maia1234

No

BuffaloGal

In the minority opinion: I did not have another child with my aexh, and I heartily regret it. He wanted to, I said no, and I wish I hadn't.
I am an only child and only grandchild, and now my daughter will be too, unless I go through fertility treatment. I know family isn't always as we would wish, but it has been a problem for me to have grown up and lived as an adult without extended family. I wouldn't have wanted that for my daughter.

johnno1

No .

My husband is very very functional sounds like yours everyone on here tells me alcoholism is progressive, I truly didn't beleive that I didn't think my husband would get worse I thought he'd always be the same....but no he is slowly now getting worse. I feel so much guilt for my poor kids seeing him put drink before playing and talking with them.

HoldingOntoGod

Oh BuffaloGal. This is my fear. My family has shrunk so small. I have 2 brothers. One has two children who are 26 and 30. The 26 yo has a daughter but we talk only a couple times a year. They aren't intrested in family. My other brother is near in age and very close with me but he has no wife or children. DD will have no cousins, no extended family for the holidays. DH does have a large and loving family that would embrace dd and I both, but they all live overseas. DH travelled here and chose to make his life here. You have voiced the terror of my soul.

But a new child would be so far apart in age. 10 years. And dd has often said that she hopes we never have another baby. I know she does not understand the future, but right now, she knows that she doesn't want to share the attention she does get. But, I cry out to the Lord wondering what her Christmases will look like when her Poppa and Nana are gone from us and we sit alone around our tree.

Duckygirl1

NO. For all of the reasons above.

Latte

This is your choice in the end-I would say no.

You can still have children (even if not biologically) for many years to come.

I'll be thinking of you.

Stung

This is timely for me as I have baby fever bad right now. My hormones are practically begging me for another baby.

I personally don't think it's the best idea but I will say that you will never ever regret having another child. I think most of the posters are coming from a place of their own upbringing rather than a place of being an actual parent. I have two children with my RAH (they are 3 years old and 1 year old) and while I may have at times regretted choosing RAH as my partner (I'm sure that's been a mutual feeling at times), I have never ever ever regretted my children. They are blessings. In personal life, having children is what life is about. They are the very best decisions that I have ever made. Period.

With that said, 35 is nothing. If you really do want to have another child a few things to consider first are taking care of yourself on a mental and emotional level, like attending therapy and al-anon for a year first. My last pregnancy was when my RAH was in crazy alcoholic mode and I didn't have his support and I needed it. I do not ever again want to go through a pregnancy without a supportive and sober spouse. That's torture and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Especially after having second c-section without a supportive spouse too.

Anyway, whether or not to have another child is a very personal decision and not something that a bunch of people on a forum should talk you out of if it's something that you really want. But with things as they currently stand in your household I would take a long time to think through your feelings surrounding a possible pregnancy, and I would talk those feelings out with a therapist and with friends at al-anon. That's my opinion. Take what you like and please leave the rest.

cynical one

I no longer have a single living relative.

What do holiday's look like for me? I have 40-50 friends for a sit-down home cooked Thanksgiving meal every year. And, I have 3 separate Christmas parties to be able to accommodate everyone (2 at home in the north, 1 at home in the south). Lonely...hardly. Just because they aren't blood relatives doesn't mean they are not family.

FeelingGreat

HotG, if you are thinking seriously about this, work out whether you can do it on your own, because there's a strong chance that will be the case.

Alcoholism is progressive, so you can count on your AH gradually escalating, possibly losing his job, and sinking further into addiction.

Do you feel you can supply the gap in income, role model and emotional attachment with your parents gone?

Duckygirl1

I am adopted. I was 3 months old when my parents got me. My parents were in their 50's when I came along. I watched my whole family practically die off. I of my brothers I'd dead and the other is bi polar u medicated and can't be dealt with. My children have each other. They have been cut off from my ex husband and his family for over a decade because of his vindictive new wife.

So, we make our own family made up of people who love us. So, will your daughter.

NWGRITS

A child should be brought into the world because their mother and father want another child to bring into their family. To raise that child and create another future adult for the next generation. A child is not meant to fill your voids. A child is not a bargaining tool. To have the expectation that this baby would one day grow up to take care of you is downright selfish. Children don't ask to be brought into your chaos and dysfunction. They deserve so much better than an alcoholic parent and a codependent parent. That environment is not suitable for children, who are innocent and can't speak for themselves. To knowingly bring a child into a home with active addiction is totally unfair to them. I wouldn't wish my childhood on my worst enemy.

No. Nonono. Get to Al-Anon and start a program to find your own recovery, as well as the tools to help your daughter. Focus on the one poor soul you've already condemned to a lifetime of meetings and therapy of her own.

9111111

You sound like a very loving woman, daughter and mother who is carrying a lot of weight on her shoulders.
It's great that your DD has a loving role model in your dad, but where are you as her mother in this set-up? You worry about your daughter being lonely without you in the future, but could it be that your daughter needs you as her mother and role model right now? Could it be, that just like you, she feels "alone, unloved and unheard"?

happybeingme

I am not only commenting as an adult child of an alcoholic. I am also a parent of two. But my husband isn't and wasn't an alcoholic. I do also believe a person could regret the decision to have a child.

A few points that haven't been mentioned. Your parents are elderly and one is handicapped. Is it right or fair to bring a baby into their home? Would they even want it I can just see you with a little boy playing cars on the livingroom floor while your mom with a walker is trying to navigate the mess, your are helping dad get dressed and your teenager daughter is ranting and raving about being late to school. Is this right or fair to your parent who you are living with to be their caregiver?

You know your daughter doesn't want a sibling. Does your husband want another child?

I think it would be wise to consider the whole family you have right now and ask yourself do they want another child. It isn't only your choice

HoldingOntoGod

Please know that my daughter and I are very very close. I spend every free moment with her, playing, riding bikes, going to the library, etc... She has a bit of time each afternoon that she spends playing with Poppa. I just worry that she won't have enough if she doesn't have me and my parents.
I would not have another child to take care of me in my old age. I would have another child so my daughter has a sibling when our family shrinks even further and has someone to hold her hand and "remember when mom...." at my funeral.

HoldingOntoGod

As much an 8 year old can fathom, she does not want a sibling. DH would be happy to have one because he knows I would provide all the care. The possibility exists that I could get some help with my parents, if needed, but I do understand what you're saying about the chaos and the unfairness to them.

Thumper

I typed out a really long reply that had me crying at the end. I deleted that. The bottom line is that for me and my kids it gets harder as the years go on. It is soul crushing to see how being a child of an alcoholic and not having an active father affects them. I do not regret my children. I love them. I'm not enough though. Parenting is relentless for me. I do not meet all their needs, I can't, there is only one of me. What they need most of all is an engaged and present father and I definitely can't be that.

Speaking as an adult person - birthing a sibling is not a guarantee that they'll be a support for each other down the line. You might offer your daughter the greatest gift by showing her how to grow your own circle of support. Easier said than done of course. I struggle with that too.

CarmenLove

My take on this.

A child learns about relationships by watching his/her parents and primary care givers interact with each other. Aside from whether she will be able to get her own love needs met as a child in an alcoholic family, what will you be teaching her about adult romantic relationships?

What will she or he grow up thinking about how a husband should behave and be there, or not, for his wife. How will that impact the relationships that child chooses when it grows up?

This stuff impacts for a lifetime.

Personally I think it is setting things up for a lot of pain and dysfunction.

Or you could break the cycle instead and role model what a strong, independent woman looks like for your existing daughter.

Sending love.

SparkleKitty

Having siblings is not a guarantee of having a family. I have a brother and sister seven and nine years older then me. We aren't very close. Perhaps that will change in the future, or perhaps it won't. Our family dynamic was shaped by our mother's alcoholism and our father's codependence. We were each isolated in our own sad, secretive worlds growing up, though they are closer to each other than they are to me.

Love the child you have with everything you have. Be honest with her, be there for her, be accepting of her no matter what. Teach her what love is, and she will build a family of her own with what she has learned. Sending you strength and courage.

redatlanta

Little future tripping going on here.

There are no guarantees that any sibling/child is going to be there for her or you when you are elderly or at your funeral. There are 4 siblings in my family 2 girls and 2 boys. My brothers haven't done squat over the past 23 months to help with our parents. One has done a little (very little) to be fair the other NOTHING. When my Dad had a heart attack one left to go to St. Barths. When my mom had a heart attack one was at the US Open then left for Belgium. When we moved them to independent living last month and I asked for help one was going on a Boar Hunt and the other to Las Vegas. I have spent 5 month in Florida on my own dime as has my sister and they haven't offered to help with financials either. There has been no vacation in either of our households for near two years.

And we are a very close family. I would have never imagined my brothers would dump on us like this. When I think of my parents passing I don't think about support from my brothers I think about how pissed off I am at how negligent they have been toward our parents in their end years. I expect that my sister and I will be left to deal with the clean up afterwards and that makes me even angrier. It is our Husbands and friends who have helped and that's something you need to remember when you future trip. Your daughter has a full life in front on her that will most likely include a life partner and children of her own. The idea that she will be alone in this world is unlikely.

Refiner

I'm an ACOAs and chose not to have children because of that. I'm almost 52 years old, from a VERY small family and when my husband goes (he's older than I am), I will be totally alone. That's ok, it was my choice. But I beg you... do not do this. You are wanting another baby for all the WRONG reasons. Just think of what you're doing to the poor child. Pay attention to the one you already have. They're gonna need it as things progress, grandparents are gone, etc. etc.