johnno1

Hi all

This detaching thing I'm trying is so hard. I feel I'm always thinking about him, thinking if I should stay or leave, thinking all the time about everything about myself and him and my kids.
I wish I could just go on like I used with my head in the sand sometimes, because all this thinking does my head in.

I know it's his issues and I should just carry on and have fun times with the kids but sometimes it's just too hard, but I do l try.

I have some new rules such as I won't leave him alone with kids when he drinks, I won't hang out with him when he drinks as I hate seeing his drunk face and drunk smell, so when he comes inside I go to bed, I do fell peace with this not guilty. I've had 3 meeting at al alon their stories and sharing seem so much worse than mine, as the stories in here. Which often starts my thinking off in a negative way I'm very lucky compared to many many people.

Has anyone got some good examples of detaching as I find most things are walking away etc but my ah does not get angry etc when drunk, he's quite happy drinking alone and he dosent come near me anyway.
It's just very lonely, I can't go out and watch a movie, go to gym etc because of my new rule of not leaving kids with him when he drinks.

so alone inside I sit most nights while he drinks in shed, and if he is not drinking and in the house it is fake so fake, I just don't love him, how can you detach with love when there is practically no love, it's just a fake love for him and the kids.

I feel sorry for myself I wish I could just on with it and have no self pity. It's all quite depressing for me.

thanks for letting me vent, yet again.
bless you all and best wishes for your own recovery journeys.

Hawkeye13

Maybe you should begin to think about what other possible choices are here for you in this situation--you are only trapped as long as you choose to be.

I'm so sorry johnno--

dandylion

johnno.....while "detaching" is a maneuver that can buy you some time and space in order to sort yourself out......it is not a cure for a relationship that is on the rocks.
And, it certainly will not turn living with an active alcoholic into a walk through a rose garden.

I know that you want to be "happy" in the relationship and marriage (who doesn't?)....but, it takes more than mere detachment by one of the parties.
It takes two people on the same page who are both determined to make the changes necessary. Both also need to be sober---an actively drinking alcoholic will upset the applecart every time.

I actually think that your "thinking" is a good sign.....at least, you know, at some level, that something is wrong and that change needs to come.....

I say.....keep on thinking......

dandylion

Refiner

It sounds to me like you should be looking at the next step. Detaching for me is protecting one's self from the abuse or unhealthy dependence on the other person. Sounds to me like you're just sick and tired of him and have already emotionally detached. If detachment was Plan B, maybe it's time for Plan C.

johnno1

Thanks it's nice to hear my thinking is a good thing! haha because I feel I'm going crazy with all the thinking.

I wish I knew plan c
I don't know what to do,
I guess I'm just trying to trust hp I have no control right now as emotionally and financially I won't leave I don't think it's bad enough yet if that makes sense, I'm also thinking he may snap out of the every night drinking thing cos it's not usually this bad.

I was sad and depressed when I wrote my first post now I'm just **** off. Grrr
Thanks for listening all u lovely peeps xxx

guava

When I was in a situation similar to yours, where I wasn't sure it was "bad enough" to leave, I thought to myself well-what would be bad enough? I came up with two things: physical violence and driving drunk with our child in the car. To be honest these were two things that I was 100% sure he would never do. I set these as my absolute boundaries.

Maybe you want to think about what your deal breakers are. Write them down in a journal or something. They don't have to be as "bad" as mine. They just need to be things that at this moment would make the decision to leave a simple one. It helps to have them out there because while alcoholism is progressive it can be a slow progression. If things are just a little worse each day you don't always see how bad they've become a year later. Writing down your absolute boundaries will keep you accountable to yourself and help you figure out when the time is right for change.

One day last summer I came home to find my (now X) AH drunk after having just picked up our son from his summer camp program. I never ever thought he would put our son at risk. It made the decision very clear to me.

(((Hugs)))

Refiner

That's good advice from guava. The frog in the pot on the stove doesn't feel the heat rise then it boils and it's too late.

dandylion

johnno.....while I DO think that your thinking is a good thing.....you don't have to make yourself "crazy" from it. When you find yourself feeling "overloaded"---take a break. Change your thoughts for a little while. (Go for a walk/ watch a funny movie/ read a good novel).

I am assuming that you are not currently working outside the home. Maybe, getting a job outside the home would be a good plan "C". You h ave mentioned financial pressure and emotional pressure.
I can think of several advantages that an outside job would give you, right now.

dandylion

johnno1

Thank you again dandelion you have supported me so much I truly appreciate everything you write to me

I have been to an interview last week and I'm looking for work so guess I'm doing plan c already !

I get so much support here Thank u so much xxx

I've been to 3 al alon meetings, not sure it's for me I got annoyed at a lady when I said her sharing helped me, bc i feel i want to leave, she said my husband is not unfaithful so I can live happily with an alcoholic then she told me how hers was so much worse with drinking and gave details of wine beer and spirits and he was unfaithful to her that why she had to leave. Don't know why it annoyed me but it did so I'm put off going back. One day at a time I guess x

gleefan

((Johnno1)) - I'm sorting through issues in my marriage too. I understand how painful it is. I can see why you'd be upset at having someone tell you that everything is ok. You know it isn't! The principles in those meetings have helped many people rediscover their sanity. I try to remember when something annoys me at a meeting to keep what works and leave behind the rest.