Should one have another baby with an alcoholic?
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
Little future tripping going on here.
It is our Husbands and friends who have helped and that's something you need to remember when you future trip. Your daughter has a full life in front on her that will most likely include a life partner and children of her own. The idea that she will be alone in this world is unlikely.
It is our Husbands and friends who have helped and that's something you need to remember when you future trip. Your daughter has a full life in front on her that will most likely include a life partner and children of her own. The idea that she will be alone in this world is unlikely.
I have struggled so hard to hear God's voice and His leading in this. Yesterday, I set out my "fleece". I've committed to 40 days of prayer and have asked God to please let DH show me an indication that he will start recovery. (He often says he knows he needs to quit. He's risking his life. He wants to quit, etc etc.) If after 40 days I see nothing and feel no clarity, I will know. Added to this is that DH is never an angry, violent drinker. He's neglectful and absent, but not mean. That allows me to think it's not as bad as it is.
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Just after I found out I was pregnant with my second DS (neither were planned and they are 15 months apart) was when dry AH's drinking started to progressively get out of control.
Of course I adore my boys and have no regrets, but I'm definitely not having any more with AH.
I know you are worried about your child not having siblings, cousins, and I understand that, but her life can be just as rich without them, as others have posted.
Babies are A LOT of work... instead of putting your time and attention to another child, maybe just focus on new ways to involve your daughter in new activities, social circles, and plan some adventures for her...
I have one brother... we are not close at all, but I do have childhood friends who are like family to me.
Of course I adore my boys and have no regrets, but I'm definitely not having any more with AH.
I know you are worried about your child not having siblings, cousins, and I understand that, but her life can be just as rich without them, as others have posted.
Babies are A LOT of work... instead of putting your time and attention to another child, maybe just focus on new ways to involve your daughter in new activities, social circles, and plan some adventures for her...
I have one brother... we are not close at all, but I do have childhood friends who are like family to me.
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Just more food for thought - I have an extremely large extended family, but shared DNA doesn't make them more acceptable as people. I have been No Contact with nearly ALL of them for years now. I see them as nothing more than an obligation that comes up from time to time.
I have a sister, younger by 3 years, who I had to LEARN to love because as the oldest in a dysfunctional alcoholic family, my love got tangled up with obligation & guilt after years of taking on the co-caretaker role for her. It created an awful relationship between us that we are blessed to be freed from now, but it took years of conscious effort on BOTH parts to get there. I was in my 30's before it happened.
I have had countless holidays & parties celebrating life events with dozens & dozens of friends that became more like family to me than those that shared my family name. THOSE are the people I can depend on, THOSE are the people who I call when I have a need to reach out.
My niece is 12 years older than her brother. Both have alcoholic fathers (different dads though), so both deal with the insanity on different levels. My niece loves her brother, but she definitely sees him as a burden at times. He came along just when she was getting pretty independent & had beaten back a lot of her own demons in counseling (her AF abandoned her) only to turn around & make more sacrifices for the new addition. He's too young to remember any of the bonding that they are doing now & by the time he's old enough, she'll be too busy with college & work to spend that same time with him.
My BFF has 3 children, each of them close to 10 yrs apart. (right now they are 18, 11 & 6 months) She tells me it is nothing at all like growing up with her brother, her kids are too far apart & their relationships are entirely different than she would expect siblings to be. The love one another, but they are all at such different stages of life that it makes parenting them challenging to her. Her oldest will be moving out soon & the youngest will never remember her living in the same home.
I have a single daughter, age 10. I have had moments of sorrow that she has no live-in companion & will never know what having a sibling is like but in reality having a 2nd child just to fill that void would have surely backfired. And I really felt that needing a playmate wasn't enough of a reason to create a person, especially since I couldn't control having a child with the "right" temperament. I couldn't guarantee that they would get along or even LIKE each other but I could make an educated guess that the necessary sacrifices would impact her happiness & what I could provide for her financially/ emotionally & then she wouldn't be the same kid any longer.
I have a sister, younger by 3 years, who I had to LEARN to love because as the oldest in a dysfunctional alcoholic family, my love got tangled up with obligation & guilt after years of taking on the co-caretaker role for her. It created an awful relationship between us that we are blessed to be freed from now, but it took years of conscious effort on BOTH parts to get there. I was in my 30's before it happened.
I have had countless holidays & parties celebrating life events with dozens & dozens of friends that became more like family to me than those that shared my family name. THOSE are the people I can depend on, THOSE are the people who I call when I have a need to reach out.
My niece is 12 years older than her brother. Both have alcoholic fathers (different dads though), so both deal with the insanity on different levels. My niece loves her brother, but she definitely sees him as a burden at times. He came along just when she was getting pretty independent & had beaten back a lot of her own demons in counseling (her AF abandoned her) only to turn around & make more sacrifices for the new addition. He's too young to remember any of the bonding that they are doing now & by the time he's old enough, she'll be too busy with college & work to spend that same time with him.
My BFF has 3 children, each of them close to 10 yrs apart. (right now they are 18, 11 & 6 months) She tells me it is nothing at all like growing up with her brother, her kids are too far apart & their relationships are entirely different than she would expect siblings to be. The love one another, but they are all at such different stages of life that it makes parenting them challenging to her. Her oldest will be moving out soon & the youngest will never remember her living in the same home.
I have a single daughter, age 10. I have had moments of sorrow that she has no live-in companion & will never know what having a sibling is like but in reality having a 2nd child just to fill that void would have surely backfired. And I really felt that needing a playmate wasn't enough of a reason to create a person, especially since I couldn't control having a child with the "right" temperament. I couldn't guarantee that they would get along or even LIKE each other but I could make an educated guess that the necessary sacrifices would impact her happiness & what I could provide for her financially/ emotionally & then she wouldn't be the same kid any longer.
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The Old Fashion Roman Catholic in me applauds you for wanting to bring a life into the world, what a special gift - BUT, you are NOT in a stable situation. So I would have to agree with other posters, No, it would not be a wise choice to have another child to "fill a void", sorry.
Truly wish you peace and happiness at this difficult crossroad.
Truly wish you peace and happiness at this difficult crossroad.
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Building off what FireSprite has posted - two of my kids fight constantly. I don't mean normal sibling rivalry I mean they truly seem to dislike each other and the fighting is non stop and accompanies every meal, every evening in the yard, every family outing, etc. The most blessed and fun event can be turned into everyone just wishing it was over because of their incessant drive to antagonize each other. They are 5 years apart. I don't even get it. Well I get why a little bit but it is exhausting for all of us.
There is also a law of diminishing returns. My boys (the two that don't detest each other anyway
)do provide love, companionship, and affection as siblings but it also means that each one feels as if they do not get enough of my time and they are probably right. To be fair I have four rather high maintenance kids versus two - who might not be so high maintenance I don't know - but it makes a a difference.
I'm just offering an example of how the fantasy of two loving siblings being there for each is not a guarantee.
There is also a law of diminishing returns. My boys (the two that don't detest each other anyway
)do provide love, companionship, and affection as siblings but it also means that each one feels as if they do not get enough of my time and they are probably right. To be fair I have four rather high maintenance kids versus two - who might not be so high maintenance I don't know - but it makes a a difference. I'm just offering an example of how the fantasy of two loving siblings being there for each is not a guarantee.
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Thank you for these kind words. Do you know what I mean when I say that sometimes I just need reminded and frequent reassurances that all will be okay? That maybe I could make things worse instead of better.
FireSprite, your last paragraph is so poignant. I've spoken those exact same words... what if the changes required to raise a baby, change my precious girl into a less happy, less balanced little girl?
Perhaps a part of me is mourning the fact that I didn't get pregnant when dd was 2 and life was different and she could have had that "playmate" relationship.
FireSprite, your last paragraph is so poignant. I've spoken those exact same words... what if the changes required to raise a baby, change my precious girl into a less happy, less balanced little girl?
Perhaps a part of me is mourning the fact that I didn't get pregnant when dd was 2 and life was different and she could have had that "playmate" relationship.
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I totally get you wanting a sibling for your child.
I know a few only child adults where both parents have passed away. They are just fine one lady has told me she always has very deep deep lasting friendships and those friends are her family. Think of all the people out there that don't even speak to their own families.
She will be fine no doubt your bringing her up to value friendship and kindness , you sound lovely and your daughter too
I know a few only child adults where both parents have passed away. They are just fine one lady has told me she always has very deep deep lasting friendships and those friends are her family. Think of all the people out there that don't even speak to their own families.
She will be fine no doubt your bringing her up to value friendship and kindness , you sound lovely and your daughter too
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Dh came home from work today and was in a pleasant mood, chatting a bit. I said that we can't have any more children unless and until he gets in recovery and stops drinking. He said, "Well, I guess that makes that decision easy." *sigh*
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I'm wondering dear, if perhaps you are more dissatisfied with the marriage than appears.
You are married to an alcoholic, and like all of us seem to be searching for a way to make him stop and get it together. Dangling the carrot so to speak.
And you have your answer. At least he was honest. How do you feel about his decision?
You are married to an alcoholic, and like all of us seem to be searching for a way to make him stop and get it together. Dangling the carrot so to speak.
And you have your answer. At least he was honest. How do you feel about his decision?
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I come from a dysfunctional childhood ~ personality disorders, codependence, alcoholism. My husband was raised by alcoholics. I echo what everyone else has said here. I feel like I will spend my lifetime disentangling myself from my emotions and understanding "normal." For me, the biggest issue of my childhood was being robbed of a childhood where I could actually be a child and not a pseudo adult and always feeling like I was there to serve my parents' emotional needs instead of the other way around. My sibling is a few years younger than me and to this day, she considers me more of her mother, which wasn't fair to either of us. She deserved a better mom than a confused teenager and I deserved to have a sibling, not a child and I deserved a strong, secure mother of my own. That being said, I am very grateful for my sister and at least we can support each other as my parents enter older age.
My husband has four siblings and they are scattered all over the United States. We have not seen some of them in decades. They did what many talked about and kind of "survived" their childhood individually and got out as quickly and independently as they could.
Cherish your daughter, work on your codependency so that your needs don't become her jail and create strong boundaries with your husband and strong friendships with healthy people that can become all of the family that you need to have. It sounds like you have a strong faith in God, but you need to surrender to His will, not keep praying for your will to happen. I promise you, His way is always, always the best for everyone concerned, even when it is hard to see.
My husband has four siblings and they are scattered all over the United States. We have not seen some of them in decades. They did what many talked about and kind of "survived" their childhood individually and got out as quickly and independently as they could.
Cherish your daughter, work on your codependency so that your needs don't become her jail and create strong boundaries with your husband and strong friendships with healthy people that can become all of the family that you need to have. It sounds like you have a strong faith in God, but you need to surrender to His will, not keep praying for your will to happen. I promise you, His way is always, always the best for everyone concerned, even when it is hard to see.
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Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
It sounds like you have a strong faith in God, but you need to surrender to His will, not keep praying for your will to happen. I promise you, His way is always, always the best for everyone concerned, even when it is hard to see.
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If you're ready to deal with having your children deal with depression, anxiety, anger management problems, suicide attempts, social problems and addictions, and if you don't mind working two jobs, living in a small apartment and driving crappy cars In order to pay for their inpatient treatment, therapy, psychiatrists and medications... In other words, if you don't care how their lives turn out - sure, by all means, have another kid with an alcoholic.
I'm serious. If I had known then what I knew now, I would have left AXH when I was pregnant with #1. The damage an alcoholic parent does to a child is something that will follow them for the rest of their lives. My life today is all about keeping my children alive and functioning due to what they suffered from their father.
I'm serious. If I had known then what I knew now, I would have left AXH when I was pregnant with #1. The damage an alcoholic parent does to a child is something that will follow them for the rest of their lives. My life today is all about keeping my children alive and functioning due to what they suffered from their father.
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redatlanta, there's a small part of me that feels absolved of the guilt/burden of bearing this "decision" alone. I know now the he knows the reasoning. He knows that I wish he was different so our choices could have been different. In some crazy way, that lifts my burden a little. In other ways, it makes me sad because I want him to love me enough to want to do this for me, but I know that's not how this works.
DoubleDragons, you are painfully right. I have been trying to believe that God's will was for me to stop preventing a pregnancy and let Him decide. Evidently, His will is to keep and protect us in the mess that we're in.
DoubleDragons, you are painfully right. I have been trying to believe that God's will was for me to stop preventing a pregnancy and let Him decide. Evidently, His will is to keep and protect us in the mess that we're in.
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How painful to read, lillamy, and everone who has lived this childhood. I am doing everything in my power to shelter dd and I simply adore her. Realizing that I am indeed codependent has been huge for me. I must try harder to love dd but not tie her to me out of our own need.
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I am an only child and I had a great time playing on my own, with my friends and don't feel I missed out at all. I also got a lot more help from my parents, if there were more of us they wouldn't have been able to give me so much.
I would say that it is irresponsible and unfair to bring another child into an already unstable situation. Especially given that you intend to stay and his drinking will probably only get worse.
Are you prepared to do it on your own?
Can you afford another one? Can you provide enough emotional support for the both of them as well as take care of yourself? I assume you spend a lot of time worrying about your husband which would take a lot of energy.
Children are their own people, to be treated with respect. They aren't there to fill up our loneliness or complete our lives. They are purely on "loan" until they can care for themselves. Well at least that's the way I see my daughter.
And the relationships people build with their friends can definitely be equal to, if not stronger than some sibling relationships.
I would say that it is irresponsible and unfair to bring another child into an already unstable situation. Especially given that you intend to stay and his drinking will probably only get worse.
Are you prepared to do it on your own?
Can you afford another one? Can you provide enough emotional support for the both of them as well as take care of yourself? I assume you spend a lot of time worrying about your husband which would take a lot of energy.
Children are their own people, to be treated with respect. They aren't there to fill up our loneliness or complete our lives. They are purely on "loan" until they can care for themselves. Well at least that's the way I see my daughter.
And the relationships people build with their friends can definitely be equal to, if not stronger than some sibling relationships.
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HoldingOntoGod, your post starts with "my life is so messy." Babies cannot fix anything, and they usually don't. On contrary, they may even make things more complicated.
But I really do understand how you feel. However, your daughter will have plenty of opportunities to establish fulfilling relationships. If she learns how, she will never be alone.
But I really do understand how you feel. However, your daughter will have plenty of opportunities to establish fulfilling relationships. If she learns how, she will never be alone.
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I was a child of three. The middle child, if you so please. My siblings hated me for that. I was the one who would bring up games though. My father was always passed out on the floor. We played poker bingo in the basement. It was a drop ceiling. Pick a tile, count how many beer cans fell down, and wow, when you hit the one with the bottle, you won the jackpot.
I spent my childhood never being able to have friends over, all my other friends could do that, I couldn't. Had to be a hidden? secret. He was always passed out in the middle of the floor.
Functionable? No. Found out his friend hired him, would have the wake up drink, and be plastered all day long in back of friends trunk.
All of these expensive coins I will be selling shortly, it was to help me "get over" him dropping me on my head, when he was drunk.
It's about 40 years ago, he would drive for 3 hours, get us to our vacation stop, leave the same day so he could drink uninterrupted for at least 12 days.
The stories here are heartbreaking...... Don't think that I need to say more.
They will always disappear for alcohol, it's there best freind.
Ann Marie/RA
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
I spent my childhood never being able to have friends over, all my other friends could do that, I couldn't. Had to be a hidden? secret. He was always passed out in the middle of the floor.
Functionable? No. Found out his friend hired him, would have the wake up drink, and be plastered all day long in back of friends trunk.
All of these expensive coins I will be selling shortly, it was to help me "get over" him dropping me on my head, when he was drunk.
It's about 40 years ago, he would drive for 3 hours, get us to our vacation stop, leave the same day so he could drink uninterrupted for at least 12 days.
The stories here are heartbreaking...... Don't think that I need to say more.
They will always disappear for alcohol, it's there best freind.
Ann Marie/RA
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
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