HoldingOntoGod

Maybe at the core of it all, I'm just afraid of being alone.

Hangnbyathread

NO.

I hope you are keeping track of the responses here.

HoldingOntoGod

I promise that I'm keeping track. I'm checking here everytime I walk past the computer. I'm starting to truly grasp that having another child is too great a risk - that I maybe can't give enough emotional help to the one I already have and a new one. There is a risk now - of dd's sadness and loneliness in the future, but that I must give entirely to God. Only He knows the future.
Maybe deciding to prevent pregnancy is not denying God of His right to decide my future.

Sunrise89

Hi there,

I can say from experience that I wouldn't even entertain the thought. Do you know why? So, I've got 3 children aged 9,3 and 1. The 9 year old is from a previous relationship and the 3 and 1 year old are with my alcoholic husband. I love my children dearly but I was ultimately irresponsible, stupid and selfish to have children with an alcoholic.

He has just got progressively worse and it got so bad that he tried to stop drinking and had a seizure infront of all of us - the effect it had on my 9 year old was huge and like children do, they quickly brush it off and get on with it. However, it was the most awful event she has ever witnessed and I've warned him and our family that he will lose everything if he doesn't sort himself out. He was booked into rehab days after and is doing well but I plan to get on the next plane home if he picks up old habits. It's not worth the stress on you having to parent children pretty much by yourself and an alcoholic husband, he WILL get worse until not only are you changing your babies diapers/nappies but his! Do you want to be a single mother?

Just please, please do not do this. It's irresponsible and will only hurt everyone involved - trust me. Focus on your lovely daughter. X

changeschoices

My advice would be to divorce your AH and find a wonderful new husband who will be a devoted stepfather to your daughter. And then have babies with him. Every year you wait increases the likelihood that you will end up losing out on this hope for a better life for you, your daughter, and any future children you want to have.

Want a happy life? Ditch the alcoholic. If you think you're old now, wait ten or twenty years. Life's too short to live with unhappiness and regret.

Sungrl

Tough words to swallow, but unfortunately spot on.

HoldingOntoGod

Because my husband functions at work, because he comes home sober and nice and even sweet, because he's never hurt me or threatened me or yelled me, because he's only a drunk who chooses alcohol over me and my daughter, it's easier to overlook the damage. It's easier to think it's "not that bad".

Sungrl

It is that bad. It's even worse because you don't see it. Take care of yourself and save the child you have.

Hangnbyathread

OK nothing personal meant here. But it doesn't matter if you get a 100% no response, you are going to do what you are going to do. Trust me we ALL have learned to deal with it.

Based on what you said here, it doesn't really matter why you asked us.

LexieCat

God gave you a brain, and expects you to make wise choices with it, and to ask for guidance (as you are doing here) when you aren't sure. The way you are phrasing it--that you are somehow "denying God of His right to decide my future"--suggests that any time you make a decision you are "denying God His right" to do something.

Do you look both ways before you cross the street? Or by doing that, are you denying God the right to decide whether you should die by stepping in front of the bus that may be barreling down on you? Do you guide and direct your child, or do you expect God to make the child into whatever she is supposed to be without any help from you?

People here are suggesting some considerations affecting you, your present child, and any hypothetical future children, that you would do well to think about before making a decision that would affect all of you forever. We don't "know it all"--we can't say for sure what would happen if you had another child with him. We CAN, however, point out some likely consequences, which might suggest the risks are too great to gamble with.

It's ultimately your decision, but you asked what we think, and I believe the consensus is pretty clear.

HoldingOntoGod

I apologize. In no way did I mean to negate all the excellent, beautiful, kind advice I've been given. I have had a very hard week and was trying to somehow explain why I ever considered it in the first place.
And Lexie, your words have touched me.
Today, I thought - Would it be responsible to have a 2nd child with a man who would physically hurt me or the child? Then why would it be responsible just because it's emotional pain? In that light, the decision is out of my hands.

LexieCat

No apology needed. I just wanted you to focus on your own responsibility for yourself and your child. You guys are here, NOW. Focus on making YOUR lives happy and productive, and trust me, God and the Universe will take care of the rest. Not always the way you might think it should, but the way it is supposed to be.

9111111

Beautifully said. Thanks Lexie!

TJD912

I'll keep this short and simple. You can read my other posts if you want the full story. My marriage was once strong too. Divorce will be final in June. I thank God almighty above I did not have children with this once "wonderful" man who eventually showed me who he really was...an emotionally and verbally abusive unfaithful alcoholic. The "wonderful strong relationship" was fake. Who he ended up being...is who he really is. It's the same story over and over and over. You will be no different.

Ultimately, it is your life, your decisions, and you have to be happy with those choices regardless of where your life takes you. You'll figure it out.

Hawkeye13

He is progressing in his alcoholism, just as I did.
I wish you the best, but the reality is this situation will deteriorate.

Please keep reading and learning about the disease.

Refiner

Holding, do you work outside the home and are able to support yourself and your child or have other means of income/support if your AH was not in the picture?

HoldingOntoGod

No refiner. I'm a stay at home mom and caregiver. I have what we've saved. DH did say that he feels the need to quit. He knows he's endangering his health. Then he said the weekend was coming and he'd bought beer already, so I'm supposed to wait 2 weeks to bring it up again.
Being very honest, I want to grow my family. I want my husband to not drink. I am very very sad that having a baby would be irresponsible.

healthyagain

I'm sorry, but you might have chosen a wrong person. Alcoholics are not extremely good for growing families. It is simply because alcohol is their priority no. 1. It was absolutely devastating for me to accept that I will never have a baby with my husband. And what almost destroyed me as a woman is that my husband picked alcohol over having a family with me. It really messes up your self-confidence, and sexuality, and God knows what not. But having a baby with him would equal insanity, and since I see no purpose in being married and not have kids (when I married I planned kids), I will leave.

Noone can tell you what to do, or make decisions for you, but here are the fact: alcoholism is a progressive disease. If not treated, if there is no true commitment to recovery, things will get worse. If you do decide to stay, please prepare yourself, educate yourself, make yourself as independent as possible, secure yourself financially. At least make an informed decision.

Meassi

You can actually do something for your daughter - I can tell you want the best for her and love her very much.

You can start a savings account dedicated to the therapy she will need as a grownup to find her way in life - with a male rolemodel that isn't there and a female rolemodel who accepts just that. She will need all the help she can get coping with that loneliness - and nothing outside her can fix that - the problem lies within and should be resolved there <3

Hugs and thoughts
Meassi

Refiner

I'm sorry for your situation and need to be perfectly blunt, here. You want the "idea" of what may be looked at as a normal family. You stay at home and keep having those babies you love to love/nurture so much while the father of those babies brings home the $ that keeps you comfortable in your surroundings... Roof over your head keeping you dry, food in all your bellies keeping you satisfied. Health insurance to keep you all vaccinated and healthy with your annual wellness checkups. Now imagine all that taken away from you and you must fend for all those things by yourself. And not only with one baby but with two. THIS is the reality so many are afraid to tell you about when it comes to this.