Should one have another baby with an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 31
Should one have another baby with an alcoholic?
My life is so messy. I'm 35 and getting older by the minute. DH is 40. We are live-in caregivers to my 75 year old parents, one of whom is disabled. We have an 8.5 year old daughter who has been blessed to have a strong male role model in my father. DH was between addictions when dd was conceived. He is now a "functional" alcoholic - holding down an excellent job and being a loving, sweet, good man when he's sober. The only trouble is that he's not sober at home for very long. He gets home from work, spends a few minutes with us, and then goes off to drink and game. When he works a shift that won't let him drink as much, he returns to the gentle, loving man that I married.
I have become fearful of the approaching day that dd and I lose the love and support of my parents and afraid (okay, gut-level terrified) of the emptiness and loneliness. My dad has walked me through so many trials and takes time each day to play with dd. Her daddy loves and adores her, truly, but he prioritizes the drinking. My heart is suggesting that we try to have one more child to dispell some of the emptiness when I lose them. I don't want my dd to be lonely, now or as an adult when I am gone. I have a very strong faith that God will be in control in anything, but is it foolish to have another child when dh is still so addicted?
I plead for the advice of those who walk this road beside me.
I have become fearful of the approaching day that dd and I lose the love and support of my parents and afraid (okay, gut-level terrified) of the emptiness and loneliness. My dad has walked me through so many trials and takes time each day to play with dd. Her daddy loves and adores her, truly, but he prioritizes the drinking. My heart is suggesting that we try to have one more child to dispell some of the emptiness when I lose them. I don't want my dd to be lonely, now or as an adult when I am gone. I have a very strong faith that God will be in control in anything, but is it foolish to have another child when dh is still so addicted?
I plead for the advice of those who walk this road beside me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Please, PLEASE don't consider having another child with this man. Children aren't intended to fill our emptiness. A baby cannot give you support.
Your daughter that you already have isn't getting a full measure of parenting from him. Another child will not make the situation better. And regardless of you and the children, his disease WILL progress. He won't stay "functional" forever. You are much, much better off working on your own healing so you can be the best mom possible for your daughter.
Being an only child isn't a sentence. She is far more likely to be damaged as a result of her father's alcoholism than she is by being an "only."
Are you going to Al-Anon? This might be a very good time to start.
Your daughter that you already have isn't getting a full measure of parenting from him. Another child will not make the situation better. And regardless of you and the children, his disease WILL progress. He won't stay "functional" forever. You are much, much better off working on your own healing so you can be the best mom possible for your daughter.
Being an only child isn't a sentence. She is far more likely to be damaged as a result of her father's alcoholism than she is by being an "only."
Are you going to Al-Anon? This might be a very good time to start.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes it is a mistake. A child cannot fix this. A child cannot take the place of your parents. A child will not fix any problems only cause more. A child does not ask to be raised with alcoholism being part of their lives!
Nothing will ever take the place of your parents or lessen the blow of the loss. While I kind of understand where you are coming from it really sounds more like you are thinking along the lines that when you parents go another child will solve the chaos of being left to deal with an alcoholic husband.
A baby never solved relationship issues. Kindly suggesting you put some focus on your marriage and figure out if the situation is working for you and proceed from there.
Nothing will ever take the place of your parents or lessen the blow of the loss. While I kind of understand where you are coming from it really sounds more like you are thinking along the lines that when you parents go another child will solve the chaos of being left to deal with an alcoholic husband.
A baby never solved relationship issues. Kindly suggesting you put some focus on your marriage and figure out if the situation is working for you and proceed from there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 31
I'm anxiously listening and breathing in your words. I only want to add that our marriage is strong. God has given me a supernatural love for dh and divorce is not on our visible horizon. DD has been protected in many ways by having my father. Sadly, my father will not always be here.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
No!!! Would you ever consider having a child out without being married, with no one but yourself to take care of you and your children financially, emotionally? I got pregnant to try to save my first marriage. I ended up having twins. I have three children that my XH does nothing for and has completely no interactions with the two girls. The twins are boy/girl and he only sees my son. He only gets my son birthday presents. Nothing ever for my daughters. He doesn't pay health insurance, car insurance, medical bills nothing!!!! And I don't have the money or energy to take him back to court! He makes over six figures a year and so does his wife! He is not an A. And he managed to walk away from a 15 plus year marriage without paying alimony or anything for his kids. Please do not make the mistake I did! My children are not a mistake, but having them to save my marriage was. It didn't help anything and the abuse my children have had t go through and the emotional scars all three will live with forever due to me having children with this man is inconceivable and irresponsible on my part.
So the answer to your question is NO!
So the answer to your question is NO!
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by HoldingOntoGod 
DD has been protected in many ways by having my father. Sadly, my father will not always be here.
I have to agree with the majority of the others. It is not a good situation to bring a baby into.
And yes, alcoholism is progressive, you don't stay functional forever. I certainly didn't. Mine got worse to the point of not working anymore and all I did was drink. Not a day here and there, but my binges could last for up to 5 days if not even longer.
It only gets worse.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I beg you not to.
We do have an ACOA forum on SR. You should check it out to see how a parent's alcoholism impacts us.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 182
NO. NO. NO. Alcoholism is progressive - seriously - what everyone is saying is true. If your AH is not seeking treatment the situation is not going to get better - it's going to get worse. Bringing another child into the fold would be just...honestly...hurtful. Hurtful to the new baby but also to your daughter who is going to need more and more of your emotional support and financial resources as your AH falls further into his disease. Alanon for you and Alateen for her (when she's older) would be a much better choice for strengthening your family.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
There must be other things that fulfill people when they grow old. Like you, I am 35 myself, and no matter how much it hurts that I never had children, I am also happy that I never had them with this individual. And grandparents and grandparents. They should not be parents to their grandchildren.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
I'm fifty years old and still dealing with the many negative emotional and interpersonal problems growing up with an alcoholic parent created.
Please don't do it, and consider the impact this is already having on your little girl.
Please don't do it, and consider the impact this is already having on your little girl.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I am going to comment but I am going to leave out your husband's alcoholism and say this instead. It is not the responsibility of a child to take away your loneliness or care for you in your old age. As a parent it is our responsibility to raise our children to be good humans and then let them out into the world. Just because you chose to dedicate your life to care for your parents it isn't your responsibility and it is wrong to expect it of your own children.
The other thing is your daughter is at an age where if another child were to come along there wouldn't be much of a relationship. My baby sister is 7 years younger than me and honestly I am more her mother than her sister. My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is a narcissist. So I helped raise her but now we are adults we have nothing in common, we don't hang out, we talk only when she wants advice and only see each other during holidays. My mom had her to save the marriage. It didn't work. My dad left on my 7th birthday when one of my sister's was 3 and the baby was 3 months.
The other thing is your daughter is at an age where if another child were to come along there wouldn't be much of a relationship. My baby sister is 7 years younger than me and honestly I am more her mother than her sister. My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is a narcissist. So I helped raise her but now we are adults we have nothing in common, we don't hang out, we talk only when she wants advice and only see each other during holidays. My mom had her to save the marriage. It didn't work. My dad left on my 7th birthday when one of my sister's was 3 and the baby was 3 months.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 31
This: "While I kind of understand where you are coming from it really sounds more like you are thinking along the lines that when you parents go another child will solve the chaos of being left to deal with an alcoholic husband."
I read this and thought, No, this is not me. But I've dwelt on it all afternoon and I realize that it is, in part, the truth. Part of this is that my parents have filled the emotional void that my husband's alcoholism has left. I am afraid of being alone, unloved and unheard.
I read this and thought, No, this is not me. But I've dwelt on it all afternoon and I realize that it is, in part, the truth. Part of this is that my parents have filled the emotional void that my husband's alcoholism has left. I am afraid of being alone, unloved and unheard.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Absolutely not. (ACoA here too) At 41, I am just really dissecting & fixing all of my childhood damage. It's HARD & it's something that has shadowed my every step in every aspect of my life. EVERY part of me is affected - my relationships, my health, my career.
In my personal opinion, putting those kinds of expectations & needs on an unborn child is unreasonable & unfair. And at the core, pretty selfish (said with the best intentions, this statement really comes from a loving place, I promise); it also changes things dramatically for your DD, especially with so many years between them. I would never choose to bring a child into any dysfunctional relationship simply to fill a void inside of ME now that I'm at a point of greater awareness & understanding in my own journey.
What do you do FOR YOU in recovery? Can you fill this void in other ways? Do you attend any support groups or see an individual therapist?
(((((((hugs))))))) I know this is a hard thread to read. (((((hugs)))))
In my personal opinion, putting those kinds of expectations & needs on an unborn child is unreasonable & unfair. And at the core, pretty selfish (said with the best intentions, this statement really comes from a loving place, I promise); it also changes things dramatically for your DD, especially with so many years between them. I would never choose to bring a child into any dysfunctional relationship simply to fill a void inside of ME now that I'm at a point of greater awareness & understanding in my own journey.
What do you do FOR YOU in recovery? Can you fill this void in other ways? Do you attend any support groups or see an individual therapist?
(((((((hugs))))))) I know this is a hard thread to read. (((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
HoldingontoGod - I just want you to know I understand where you are coming from. My parents are very sick. My dad had a heart attack and a stroke and my mom has Bone Marrow Cancer. We are very close. I don't have children and trust I have thought about how I wish I did because it seems like it would ease the pain. Its a very, very hard thing to deal with. I really empathize and I am sorry your situation in compounded by an AH.
Looks like you are new here - welcome to SR! I hope you will stick around and post often.
Looks like you are new here - welcome to SR! I hope you will stick around and post often.
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