Difficult Situations
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear Spalding:
I'm getting into this conversation late, but I just wanted to express my sorrow for all that you are having to deal with at such a young age. Also wanted to send you some strength and hope that things will and can get better.
My father was the alcoholic in my life. He drank and smoked for most of his adult life and lived until he was in his 70's. Can't tell you how many times I thought he was going to die because of his lifestyle choices. Truth is, no one can predict how long someone will live. Our bodies can tolerate a lot of abuse!
Your relationship with your mother brought back many memories of the difficult times I had with my own father. I can still feel the guilt, manipulation, abuse, and shame.
I somehow navigated myself out of my toxic past. It took a lot of work - reading, therapy, support groups, and message boards. I'm happy now. I married a great guy, we have two children, and I'm trying to create the family that I always wanted to have as a child.
In order to do this, I had to distance myself from my father and take care of myself. It's awful growing up with an alcoholic parent. There is so many things we miss out on.
Right now, YOU should be the one getting support. You are at a critical and exciting time in your life. You need to do well in school, start thinking about future careers and places to live.
There came a time in my life where I just had to accept the parents that I got and tried to be the parent that I needed for myself. Hope this makes sense.
Self preservation is important. You can love someone but chose to not interact because interacting with them causes too much damage to yourself. It is okay to say "This isn't a safe place for me."
Taking care of yourself and living the best life that you can will ultimately help your mom too. My dad needed a lot of support later on in his life (assisted living, nursing home, etc.) It was lucky that I was at a place in my life that I could provide some support. However, I couldn't undo all the damage he did in his life. It wasn't my job anyway.
Bottom line, there is a way out and a wonderful life awaits you. You will need to figure out what you need to do in order to sort through your relationship with your mother and keep yourself safe. I found that I had to go "no contact" with some members of my family while I was healing and working on myself.
You can do this!
Hugs,
db
I'm getting into this conversation late, but I just wanted to express my sorrow for all that you are having to deal with at such a young age. Also wanted to send you some strength and hope that things will and can get better.
My father was the alcoholic in my life. He drank and smoked for most of his adult life and lived until he was in his 70's. Can't tell you how many times I thought he was going to die because of his lifestyle choices. Truth is, no one can predict how long someone will live. Our bodies can tolerate a lot of abuse!
Your relationship with your mother brought back many memories of the difficult times I had with my own father. I can still feel the guilt, manipulation, abuse, and shame.
I somehow navigated myself out of my toxic past. It took a lot of work - reading, therapy, support groups, and message boards. I'm happy now. I married a great guy, we have two children, and I'm trying to create the family that I always wanted to have as a child.
In order to do this, I had to distance myself from my father and take care of myself. It's awful growing up with an alcoholic parent. There is so many things we miss out on.
Right now, YOU should be the one getting support. You are at a critical and exciting time in your life. You need to do well in school, start thinking about future careers and places to live.
There came a time in my life where I just had to accept the parents that I got and tried to be the parent that I needed for myself. Hope this makes sense.
Self preservation is important. You can love someone but chose to not interact because interacting with them causes too much damage to yourself. It is okay to say "This isn't a safe place for me."
Taking care of yourself and living the best life that you can will ultimately help your mom too. My dad needed a lot of support later on in his life (assisted living, nursing home, etc.) It was lucky that I was at a place in my life that I could provide some support. However, I couldn't undo all the damage he did in his life. It wasn't my job anyway.
Bottom line, there is a way out and a wonderful life awaits you. You will need to figure out what you need to do in order to sort through your relationship with your mother and keep yourself safe. I found that I had to go "no contact" with some members of my family while I was healing and working on myself.
You can do this!
Hugs,
db
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
One last thought, does your mother have anyone else she can reach out to for support or has she alienated everyone else in her life? Are her parents still alife, does she have any siblings?
Worrying about her health is such a huge burden to shoulder yourself.
When my dad was sick I had a cousin step up to help me. She also grew up in an alcoholic home and knew all the conflicting emotions I was experiencing.
Glad that you found SoberRecovery.
db
Worrying about her health is such a huge burden to shoulder yourself.
When my dad was sick I had a cousin step up to help me. She also grew up in an alcoholic home and knew all the conflicting emotions I was experiencing.
Glad that you found SoberRecovery.
db
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Thanks db,
My mum does not have a lot of people close to her in her life. Her mum passed at the worst time possible (right when she and my dad were separating). his estranged from ehr dad (both of them have been really not good to each other). She's estranged from her sister (sister did some untasty things, but so did my mum, mostly my mum really. My aunt went no contact like 2 years ago).
She had a close friend who moved away and is hard to reach. Her one other close friend is in a horrible situation himself (huge debt, abusive common law partner who just got diagnosed with cancer. Guess who is taking care of her? Him), and it's complicated.
Cant rely on my own sister, their relationship is way too complicated.
The other people in her life she trusts all live too far away.
My mum does not have a lot of people close to her in her life. Her mum passed at the worst time possible (right when she and my dad were separating). his estranged from ehr dad (both of them have been really not good to each other). She's estranged from her sister (sister did some untasty things, but so did my mum, mostly my mum really. My aunt went no contact like 2 years ago).
She had a close friend who moved away and is hard to reach. Her one other close friend is in a horrible situation himself (huge debt, abusive common law partner who just got diagnosed with cancer. Guess who is taking care of her? Him), and it's complicated.
Cant rely on my own sister, their relationship is way too complicated.
The other people in her life she trusts all live too far away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Well, today she's made it more clear to me some of the ways I have hurt her. I can see it. These are the things I was thinking I may have been in ways, abusive (there are others though).
Things like, when she was feeling better she had been getting these juvederm shot things which costed an assload of money. I had commented on it, wondering why she would continue to get them. She took it as me making fun of her for it. That I had to be told, if it made her feel better why should I care. I recognize now that it was my codependent worry. That she was spending money she didnt have to make herself feel better when I knew she would be down the toilet again soon.
Another one being, making comments when we were shopping together, such as how we didnt need more of this or that.
She's hurt by these things. I recognize now that it's the codependent thinking I had. The fear. I am trying to apologize for these things.
And she says things like, now that she's so ill, she's afraid to spend nights alone. She makes it clear she doesnt expect me to change my schedule because of that. But then? Like? I dont know anymore.
I dont know.
Things like, when she was feeling better she had been getting these juvederm shot things which costed an assload of money. I had commented on it, wondering why she would continue to get them. She took it as me making fun of her for it. That I had to be told, if it made her feel better why should I care. I recognize now that it was my codependent worry. That she was spending money she didnt have to make herself feel better when I knew she would be down the toilet again soon.
Another one being, making comments when we were shopping together, such as how we didnt need more of this or that.
She's hurt by these things. I recognize now that it's the codependent thinking I had. The fear. I am trying to apologize for these things.
And she says things like, now that she's so ill, she's afraid to spend nights alone. She makes it clear she doesnt expect me to change my schedule because of that. But then? Like? I dont know anymore.
I dont know.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Spalding, those comments that you made do NOT make you abusive. Families discuss/argue/express concern for each other about those things ALL the time.
My elderly father sometimes makes decisions I don't agree with. He's been talking about buying a new car. He's 85, has bad eyesight/hearing and suffers from vertigo. Yes, his wife's physical condition is a BIT better but she shouldn't be driving so much, either. I've gently been trying to convince him there are better things to spend money on than a new car. Maybe instead he should buy a better golf cart (he lives in a place where most of the senior residents use golf carts to get around). I don't feel that makes me a control freak or co-dependent, just because I express an opinion and try to persuade him to consider whether that's a wise purchase.
You are ENTITLED to express the kinds of opinions and concerns you are talking about. I'm fairly sure you didn't preface any comments with "You're an idiot!" Or, "Are you INSANE--we don't need any more whatever."
If she is "hurt" by those things, I think that is more HER problem than yours. People can't live in proximity--even the healthiest, kindest people--without stepping on each other's toes once in a while.
I had a wonderful relationship with my mom, and we loved each other very much. We could still get into horrible fights over silly things. She made all my clothes, for instance, and we'd have huge arguments over patterns and fabric in the fabric store. We'd both get mad and offended. It blew over. Your mom is taking ever single thing you ever disagreed about and is making you the "bad child" for expressing your opinion.
I'm very concerned that you are allowing her to place all this BLAME on you. I'm sure there were times when you were in the wrong. It happens. It doesn't mean you "owe" her now. Any normal human being would have forgotten these comments--she hoards them the way a squirrel does acorns and then uses them against you. It's sick--terribly, terribly SICK.
My elderly father sometimes makes decisions I don't agree with. He's been talking about buying a new car. He's 85, has bad eyesight/hearing and suffers from vertigo. Yes, his wife's physical condition is a BIT better but she shouldn't be driving so much, either. I've gently been trying to convince him there are better things to spend money on than a new car. Maybe instead he should buy a better golf cart (he lives in a place where most of the senior residents use golf carts to get around). I don't feel that makes me a control freak or co-dependent, just because I express an opinion and try to persuade him to consider whether that's a wise purchase.
You are ENTITLED to express the kinds of opinions and concerns you are talking about. I'm fairly sure you didn't preface any comments with "You're an idiot!" Or, "Are you INSANE--we don't need any more whatever."
If she is "hurt" by those things, I think that is more HER problem than yours. People can't live in proximity--even the healthiest, kindest people--without stepping on each other's toes once in a while.
I had a wonderful relationship with my mom, and we loved each other very much. We could still get into horrible fights over silly things. She made all my clothes, for instance, and we'd have huge arguments over patterns and fabric in the fabric store. We'd both get mad and offended. It blew over. Your mom is taking ever single thing you ever disagreed about and is making you the "bad child" for expressing your opinion.
I'm very concerned that you are allowing her to place all this BLAME on you. I'm sure there were times when you were in the wrong. It happens. It doesn't mean you "owe" her now. Any normal human being would have forgotten these comments--she hoards them the way a squirrel does acorns and then uses them against you. It's sick--terribly, terribly SICK.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Well, sometimes I have said things like "that's crazy" or other harsh words.
What I'm contending with now is that. I'm struggling with the fact that for so long, I have dealt with too much. I have been through so many things. Not even always related to my mum's issues. I struggle with wishing that all this horrible stuff would go away. That I could just move along with my life and things be 'normal'. But they aren't. And they wont be. Even moving out, I know I will have more to deal with.
I know that me fighting with this urge/wish that things were normal is just extending my suffering. I know I just need to accept things as they are. But it's hard.
I feel like everything has just been so hard. And it will continue to be. I've always looked for easy ways out. But doing that has gotten me nowhere. Yet it's still something I struggle with daily. It's so counterproductive and self sabotaging. Yet I still try. It's a conflict avoiding thing. I have always been a self sabotager and Im tired of it. But then it feeds into the cycle of 'that's hard, avoid it; oh no I'm not doing it look at the problems, I need to change; that's hard, avoid it....." and on. And on. And on.
And now, Im faced with more conflict. More hardship. There's no easy way out of this. No easy way out of the fact that I either move out now and deal with the giant atomic bomb that will bring. Or move back in and deal with the other bomb that awaits me. Plus that I have to face that my mother is so ill. It's insanity.
And I continue my suffering by fighting against it. How do I accept all this sh*t? How do I keep trudging through all of this knowing that more is just waiting to pile onto me?
And it makes sense too. I realized a few days ago that I feel like my life is on repeat. I've not had the chance to heal from all of this because I'm left reacting and avoiding and minimizing conflict to my, and other's detriment. It's about time I stop.
What I'm contending with now is that. I'm struggling with the fact that for so long, I have dealt with too much. I have been through so many things. Not even always related to my mum's issues. I struggle with wishing that all this horrible stuff would go away. That I could just move along with my life and things be 'normal'. But they aren't. And they wont be. Even moving out, I know I will have more to deal with.
I know that me fighting with this urge/wish that things were normal is just extending my suffering. I know I just need to accept things as they are. But it's hard.
I feel like everything has just been so hard. And it will continue to be. I've always looked for easy ways out. But doing that has gotten me nowhere. Yet it's still something I struggle with daily. It's so counterproductive and self sabotaging. Yet I still try. It's a conflict avoiding thing. I have always been a self sabotager and Im tired of it. But then it feeds into the cycle of 'that's hard, avoid it; oh no I'm not doing it look at the problems, I need to change; that's hard, avoid it....." and on. And on. And on.
And now, Im faced with more conflict. More hardship. There's no easy way out of this. No easy way out of the fact that I either move out now and deal with the giant atomic bomb that will bring. Or move back in and deal with the other bomb that awaits me. Plus that I have to face that my mother is so ill. It's insanity.
And I continue my suffering by fighting against it. How do I accept all this sh*t? How do I keep trudging through all of this knowing that more is just waiting to pile onto me?
And it makes sense too. I realized a few days ago that I feel like my life is on repeat. I've not had the chance to heal from all of this because I'm left reacting and avoiding and minimizing conflict to my, and other's detriment. It's about time I stop.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Spalding - I agree with Lexie. None of that is abusive. That is how normal people talk. Even if you did make a mistake or butt in where you shouldn't it isn't the end of the world - and it sure isn't abuse.
Remember - feelings are not facts and that includes hers. If she feels abused because you commented on the need for towels that doesn't mean you are in fact abusive. It means your mother has issues - and we already know that. You can be patient and 'understanding' with her regarding her perceptions (and by that I just mean you don't have to argue or set her right - just accept that she's delusional) but you do not have to own her perceptions. Keep your feet firmly planted in reality. Right now you are still in a little fog so that is hard but the more space and clarity you get the easier that will become. You do not have to even go play in her delusional garden. When she says those things you have some options. Ideally you can get off the phone or find a reason to leave. If not you can just say "I see." or "OK" or you can do nothing but nod. The less said the better because there is NO WAY to come out on top with that kind of framework.
I read your thread more than I post but it is such an asset that you are so open to working through this stuff and getting clarification from outside sources. That kind of support is so important.
Remember - feelings are not facts and that includes hers. If she feels abused because you commented on the need for towels that doesn't mean you are in fact abusive. It means your mother has issues - and we already know that. You can be patient and 'understanding' with her regarding her perceptions (and by that I just mean you don't have to argue or set her right - just accept that she's delusional) but you do not have to own her perceptions. Keep your feet firmly planted in reality. Right now you are still in a little fog so that is hard but the more space and clarity you get the easier that will become. You do not have to even go play in her delusional garden. When she says those things you have some options. Ideally you can get off the phone or find a reason to leave. If not you can just say "I see." or "OK" or you can do nothing but nod. The less said the better because there is NO WAY to come out on top with that kind of framework.
I read your thread more than I post but it is such an asset that you are so open to working through this stuff and getting clarification from outside sources. That kind of support is so important.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Spalding, I understand your thinking, that maybe you were too harsh with her about what she should or should not buy, etc. Here is the thing, even if you were harsh, it does not make you an abusive person. Every once in a while we all say things that looking back we think, wow, I should not have said that. It DOES NOT make you abusive at all.
Your relationship is very complicated. You are left being the adult, she is like a naughty teenager. You are looking for ways to absolve her behavior, and they are just not there. As a mother, SHE IS ABUSIVE, and very manipulative. l would say your mother is going to need some in home care very soon, and that should not come from you. I would encourage you to find services that offer such and have a list ready to give to her. That person CANNOT be you.
The thing is, she offers excuses. She has fears. Yet she is not willing to do one single thing to change anything that is causing either. She is causing her own illness and her own fears. Only she can change, or not.
I hope you keep getting support. We will be here for you.
Tight, tight hugs.
Your relationship is very complicated. You are left being the adult, she is like a naughty teenager. You are looking for ways to absolve her behavior, and they are just not there. As a mother, SHE IS ABUSIVE, and very manipulative. l would say your mother is going to need some in home care very soon, and that should not come from you. I would encourage you to find services that offer such and have a list ready to give to her. That person CANNOT be you.
The thing is, she offers excuses. She has fears. Yet she is not willing to do one single thing to change anything that is causing either. She is causing her own illness and her own fears. Only she can change, or not.
I hope you keep getting support. We will be here for you.
Tight, tight hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Hey everyone! Thanks again for your helpful words. I see what you're saying about the abusive thing. It's just hard because she says very clearly that I do the things outlined in the articles I have read (crazymaking, controlling, turn it around on the other person, dont admit fault, etc etc).
This week though has been much better. Way less fighting/inquisitions/arguments/name calling about my choice to work toward moving out. It's been pretty pleasant. We've had a few good chats, watched some shows. There were only a few minor things. It's been somewhat refreshing and way less stressful which is nice.
I'm of course still worried because she continues to drink, but she hasn't been getting drunk or even tipsy this week while I've been here.
This doesn't change my mind about things, and I have to be careful about being hopeful because of it. Just kind of have to take it as it is, and not build expectations about it. That's something I've been told to be careful of in counselling, and I'm glad I'm seeing where it could be possible and remembering to try and not do it.
Thing is, personally I've still been struggling. Like I said before, I have my own things I need to work on and it feels like it has been piling up more and more. I struggle with huge issues of procrastination and avoidance of things I need to do, like school work. This has been my reading week, and I've gotten very little done, distressingly. I have quite a few assignments coming up too.
It's been hard too because I've been really flustered with all of the things piling up on me. Unexpected expenses I can't afford and then need to rely on my mum (embarassingly, considering how much I have stressed to her and others that I dont want to do that). Things like, glasses, drivers license, ********, new backpack, cost for materials for projects, transportation. It's just a lot all at once.
I've been feeling rather insecure about my friends too. I havent seen my one friend in way too long, despite my multiple attempts to reach out and plan (and then my brain goes into the OMG WHAT IF SHE HATES ME OR DOESNT WANT TO BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE mode.) Plus I'm getting bold new glasses and Im afriad I can't pull them off and will look silly. Plus my scattered and flusteredness has put me into my rather unattractive complain mode. Ughhhsdogjhnagnaojign
Today has been a write off in terms of school work. I spent the whole day after I got home from work (at 12:30pm) on the computer. I get SO sucked in. I turn into this zombie mode and it really bothers me, but I can't tear myself away. This is part of the life on repeat thing. I go through these phases and it's so annoying. My computer use for a long time has bothered me, and I've been told that it's an avoiding/numbing feelings thing, and I can see the truth in it, but the actual breaking of the habit and changing of the behaviour? It's haarrrrrrrrdddd. (Should I really be complaining about that considering the board and thread I am on? oy)
Furthermore, I know I have been eating poorly, plus not exercising (or doing the physio things I need to do to properly exercise). Another life on repeat thing.
Blergh.
On the positive side, I have applied to some jobs, and I will be applying to more soon. I just have to get my butt in gear writing cover letters (with time and effort that I don't have?).
Sorry for the rant. I really needed to get all of this out.
This week though has been much better. Way less fighting/inquisitions/arguments/name calling about my choice to work toward moving out. It's been pretty pleasant. We've had a few good chats, watched some shows. There were only a few minor things. It's been somewhat refreshing and way less stressful which is nice.
I'm of course still worried because she continues to drink, but she hasn't been getting drunk or even tipsy this week while I've been here.
This doesn't change my mind about things, and I have to be careful about being hopeful because of it. Just kind of have to take it as it is, and not build expectations about it. That's something I've been told to be careful of in counselling, and I'm glad I'm seeing where it could be possible and remembering to try and not do it.
Thing is, personally I've still been struggling. Like I said before, I have my own things I need to work on and it feels like it has been piling up more and more. I struggle with huge issues of procrastination and avoidance of things I need to do, like school work. This has been my reading week, and I've gotten very little done, distressingly. I have quite a few assignments coming up too.
It's been hard too because I've been really flustered with all of the things piling up on me. Unexpected expenses I can't afford and then need to rely on my mum (embarassingly, considering how much I have stressed to her and others that I dont want to do that). Things like, glasses, drivers license, ********, new backpack, cost for materials for projects, transportation. It's just a lot all at once.
I've been feeling rather insecure about my friends too. I havent seen my one friend in way too long, despite my multiple attempts to reach out and plan (and then my brain goes into the OMG WHAT IF SHE HATES ME OR DOESNT WANT TO BE MY FRIEND ANYMORE mode.) Plus I'm getting bold new glasses and Im afriad I can't pull them off and will look silly. Plus my scattered and flusteredness has put me into my rather unattractive complain mode. Ughhhsdogjhnagnaojign
Today has been a write off in terms of school work. I spent the whole day after I got home from work (at 12:30pm) on the computer. I get SO sucked in. I turn into this zombie mode and it really bothers me, but I can't tear myself away. This is part of the life on repeat thing. I go through these phases and it's so annoying. My computer use for a long time has bothered me, and I've been told that it's an avoiding/numbing feelings thing, and I can see the truth in it, but the actual breaking of the habit and changing of the behaviour? It's haarrrrrrrrdddd. (Should I really be complaining about that considering the board and thread I am on? oy)
Furthermore, I know I have been eating poorly, plus not exercising (or doing the physio things I need to do to properly exercise). Another life on repeat thing.
Blergh.
On the positive side, I have applied to some jobs, and I will be applying to more soon. I just have to get my butt in gear writing cover letters (with time and effort that I don't have?).
Sorry for the rant. I really needed to get all of this out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Dear Spalding,
You'll be looking back on this time in a few years shaking your head ruefully thinking 'if I'd known then what I know now!'
You've already gotten some great advice. I just want to point out some books that I would have found TREMENDOUSLY beneficial a few years ago (you may have already seen these posted, but just in case!) Now, they are helping me understand things much more clearly, and understanding retrospectively is better than not at all. And if I missed a post where you said you read one of these already I apologize!
When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life
http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Moth...27t+be+friends
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives
http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codepen...by+pia+mellody
Also books about being ACOA, a book called "Surviving a Borderline Parent",
These books, while not being addiction specific (I got my education about that from SR, watching Intervention -seriously! and the internet), really helped me see where my and my moms wants and needs had been completely tangled, boundaries nonsensical and arbitrary, our personalities almost meshd. These books showed me what the root sources of why everything felt so crazy and out of whack, why I could never just say "Look this is my line in the sand and that's IT" without feeling heard, and yet felt guilty at every turn.
These books helped me learn that there were no boundaries, that there needed to be, that I was entitled to them, that they were necessary for my health, and that they needed to be MUCH stronger than I ever thought, and HOW to establish them. PHEW!
I have been reading books about mindfulness, lately.
Good luck to you. Post as much as you ever want to. If you ever want someone to PM, feel free - our situations have been very similar. I guess my only real advice is... don't waste a single moment of your life making someone else's problems your problems.
You'll be looking back on this time in a few years shaking your head ruefully thinking 'if I'd known then what I know now!'
You've already gotten some great advice. I just want to point out some books that I would have found TREMENDOUSLY beneficial a few years ago (you may have already seen these posted, but just in case!) Now, they are helping me understand things much more clearly, and understanding retrospectively is better than not at all. And if I missed a post where you said you read one of these already I apologize!
When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life
http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Moth...27t+be+friends
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.: 9781439129432: Amazon.com: Books
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives
http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codepen...by+pia+mellody
Also books about being ACOA, a book called "Surviving a Borderline Parent",
These books, while not being addiction specific (I got my education about that from SR, watching Intervention -seriously! and the internet), really helped me see where my and my moms wants and needs had been completely tangled, boundaries nonsensical and arbitrary, our personalities almost meshd. These books showed me what the root sources of why everything felt so crazy and out of whack, why I could never just say "Look this is my line in the sand and that's IT" without feeling heard, and yet felt guilty at every turn.
These books helped me learn that there were no boundaries, that there needed to be, that I was entitled to them, that they were necessary for my health, and that they needed to be MUCH stronger than I ever thought, and HOW to establish them. PHEW!
I have been reading books about mindfulness, lately.
Good luck to you. Post as much as you ever want to. If you ever want someone to PM, feel free - our situations have been very similar. I guess my only real advice is... don't waste a single moment of your life making someone else's problems your problems.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
As far as seeing friends etc - I dropped off the social map for most of two years I think while I had all the stuff with my mom going on. The brain can only take so much! When there are so many fires to put out at once it feels like we're only shrinking fires on all of them and none of them are getting put out. Just keep chugging away. It won't be like this forever. Decide not to feel guilty about stuff that can seriously just wait!!
Once you get into one of the 'valleys' of feeling busy/overwhelmed, where things slow down just a bit, you can take a look at the big things going on and just take a few out, maybe. Making life small and simple can be such a huge relief especially for those of us who feel like it's just been a full speed ahead train of stress and trauma for as long as we can remember.
Once you get into one of the 'valleys' of feeling busy/overwhelmed, where things slow down just a bit, you can take a look at the big things going on and just take a few out, maybe. Making life small and simple can be such a huge relief especially for those of us who feel like it's just been a full speed ahead train of stress and trauma for as long as we can remember.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Mindfulness is something I have been interested in for a while! I am hoping to get more into it, but that same thing suffers from the same difficulty of getting what I need to get done issue...
All I can do is keep trying? But I need to do something different to break this cycle of my own issues, as well as the ones in my family life!
All I can do is keep trying? But I need to do something different to break this cycle of my own issues, as well as the ones in my family life!
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Hi Spalding. I have some of the same issues as you do, and it was worse when I was in college. Stress magnifies these issues and makes it hard to concentrate. It helped me to be out of the house and write in time blocks to actually go to the library and study. I planned to be there from X to X. That was the only way I could force myself to concentrate and focus.
Give yourself a break. You understand your struggles which is half the battle. Now with some great planning you can get past these struggles one at a time.
Hugs sweet girl, you are doing great!
XXX
Give yourself a break. You understand your struggles which is half the battle. Now with some great planning you can get past these struggles one at a time.
Hugs sweet girl, you are doing great!
XXX
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Im really tired of being railed on by my sister and mum about me being lazy or uncaring around the house. I have big difficulties with these areas. I have since I was little. I'm seeking out support and opinions on the potential reasons for these issues, and then I get told that I am looking for excuses by my mum and sister.
Thing is, it's not just them I'm letting down. Ultimately I have been letting myself down too. The number of times I feel so frustrated by myself and my inability to follow through, notice the things that need to get done, get an assignment started and finished the day before, or late. Barely doing what I need to get done to pass (even though I still do very well. Imagine how well I could be doing.) and they just think that I'm lazy and don't care. That because I have initiative to do some things I am interested (like knitting? Thing is, I dont really. I start it and then like everything else, it falls off).
There's already so much I have to deal with. I'm barely keeping my head above water here. And then I get piled on again. It's just so frustrating. I hate feeling so inept.
Thing is, it's not just them I'm letting down. Ultimately I have been letting myself down too. The number of times I feel so frustrated by myself and my inability to follow through, notice the things that need to get done, get an assignment started and finished the day before, or late. Barely doing what I need to get done to pass (even though I still do very well. Imagine how well I could be doing.) and they just think that I'm lazy and don't care. That because I have initiative to do some things I am interested (like knitting? Thing is, I dont really. I start it and then like everything else, it falls off).
There's already so much I have to deal with. I'm barely keeping my head above water here. And then I get piled on again. It's just so frustrating. I hate feeling so inept.
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So my mum told me that she's 'going down the tubes' until she's not. What does that even mean. I just need to remember to not ride the rollercoaster and to leave if it gets bad.
It's just so hard to look at her, the yellow in her eyes. She knows she's killing herself. This is such a horrible disease.
And now she's saying, she relates to the Knockin' On Heaven's Door song. That she just doesn't care. That she sees death as a comfort now, and isn't afraid of it now. That I was the last straw. That not always is it just alcoholic's faults, but the people around them who stomp on them. That she knows she's heading to the hospital soon if she keeps this up.
Welcome to the opening season of another spiral. Great.
It's just so hard to look at her, the yellow in her eyes. She knows she's killing herself. This is such a horrible disease.
And now she's saying, she relates to the Knockin' On Heaven's Door song. That she just doesn't care. That she sees death as a comfort now, and isn't afraid of it now. That I was the last straw. That not always is it just alcoholic's faults, but the people around them who stomp on them. That she knows she's heading to the hospital soon if she keeps this up.
Welcome to the opening season of another spiral. Great.
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The yellow in the eyes is jaundice, and it means she's experiencing liver failure. That can also cause something called hepatic encephalopathy, which is like dementia.
I wish you would get out of there. Can you go back to your dad's house?
I wish you would get out of there. Can you go back to your dad's house?
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My father was an alcoholic who eventually died from his disease, and toward the end of his life he got to be jaundiced. He also became very paranoid. He was always angry and irritable, but the paranoia became intense. Years after he died, I read that paranoia is a symptom of advanced liver disease, and somehow it was comforting to me, to know that he wasn't in his right mind and some of the cruel things he said were his disease and not a reflection on me.
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Just to add to the above, I felt very guilty when my Dad was dying for not hanging out with him more. He didn't ever flat out attack me for it, but he would look wounded or put on an "it's fine, I didn't need you anyway" act when I kept my visits brief. But the thing was, he would always drink during these visits! So hanging out with him was horrendous--watching him getting drunk when his body was shutting down because of his drinking was gut-wrenching! So looking back, I can see now that I did the best I could in bad circumstances that he had created for himself. In a very real way, his death was the consequence of his choice to drink. I was in graduate school at the time, and I almost let the pain of his death derail my education. I'm so glad I didn't, because I would be so much angrier now. Besides being angry at him for f&*ing up my childhood with his drinking (which I am), I would also have ended up blaming him for ruining my career. But really, it was my choice and my responsibility to take care of myself and make my schooling a priority, even if it meant keeping my visits to him short. Anyway, Spalding, I won't beat around the bush: your mother might drink herself to death eventually. That is her choice to make, and you can't control it. But you can control whether or not you are willing to sacrifice your mental health and your education.
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I know about the whole jaudince bit. She's had it before. I know there's nothing I can do to control it. I know. It's just horrifying. I want to deny that she might actually die from this, but the more I see her continue down this path, the more I see it as a potential reality. I hope that's not the case.
She does mention stopping in time for her next ultrasound (beginning of May), which she had moved to a little later lol. It's almost like she wants to perform well on those.
Its just hard because she knows she's killing herself.
I dont think she has hepatic encephalopathy at this point. She's not more forgetful or paranoid or angry at this point.
She does mention stopping in time for her next ultrasound (beginning of May), which she had moved to a little later lol. It's almost like she wants to perform well on those.
Its just hard because she knows she's killing herself.
I dont think she has hepatic encephalopathy at this point. She's not more forgetful or paranoid or angry at this point.
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