Difficult Situations
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Difficult Situations
Hello everyone!
I'm here because I need some input.
My mum is an alcoholic. I am in my early twenties. I have lived with her for many years, just her and I. Our relationship, Im seeing now has been strained over the years. I have been recently going to a group of family members of someone with an addiction, and I have learned a lot about co-dependency and the many behaviours of addicts. I've learned a lot about my own, as well as my mothers actions in relation to this.
What it has come down to is that I have (semi) moved out of her house to my dad's. It was a sudden process. There wasn't a lot of lead up to it, other than that I had set a boundary of "if I am woken up by you, or yelled at/called names by you, I am leaving the house", which led to many nights out of the house at friends. This was an escalation of our behaviour dynamic which led to me moving to my dads because I couldn't handle the uncertainty along with school.
Now I am left with this decision. I am left with the way it impacts my relationship with my mother. It's so hard to hear how I am breaking her heart by doing this. I am so afraid that I am making the wrong decision. I am afraid she will cut me out. She has been SO angry at me since, and we cant really have conversations anymore without arguing. When she argues with me, it becomes a situation where I am uncomfortable and feel like I need to enforce boundaries by ending the conversation, but then I am faced with the question of if I am running away from my problems or my decisions.
Basically. I don't know how to deal with this decision and the consequences I am facing from my mum for it. I don't know how to talk to her about it. And if I don't talk to her things don't get resolved. There are just so many layers to this issue and I cant seem to wade through it.
Does anyone have any sort of thoughts? I don't know how to handle this anymore.
I'm here because I need some input.
My mum is an alcoholic. I am in my early twenties. I have lived with her for many years, just her and I. Our relationship, Im seeing now has been strained over the years. I have been recently going to a group of family members of someone with an addiction, and I have learned a lot about co-dependency and the many behaviours of addicts. I've learned a lot about my own, as well as my mothers actions in relation to this.
What it has come down to is that I have (semi) moved out of her house to my dad's. It was a sudden process. There wasn't a lot of lead up to it, other than that I had set a boundary of "if I am woken up by you, or yelled at/called names by you, I am leaving the house", which led to many nights out of the house at friends. This was an escalation of our behaviour dynamic which led to me moving to my dads because I couldn't handle the uncertainty along with school.
Now I am left with this decision. I am left with the way it impacts my relationship with my mother. It's so hard to hear how I am breaking her heart by doing this. I am so afraid that I am making the wrong decision. I am afraid she will cut me out. She has been SO angry at me since, and we cant really have conversations anymore without arguing. When she argues with me, it becomes a situation where I am uncomfortable and feel like I need to enforce boundaries by ending the conversation, but then I am faced with the question of if I am running away from my problems or my decisions.
Basically. I don't know how to deal with this decision and the consequences I am facing from my mum for it. I don't know how to talk to her about it. And if I don't talk to her things don't get resolved. There are just so many layers to this issue and I cant seem to wade through it.
Does anyone have any sort of thoughts? I don't know how to handle this anymore.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Honey, I am so sorry you are dealing with this!
You have set some boundaries with your Mum that she is not observing. If she learns that she can ignore your boundaries without any consequences, then she has no reason to get well. Her bad behavior towards you will escalate.
Is your Dad's place stable and serene? Maybe it is best to stay there for now.
I salute you for your courage and sticking by your convictions.
You have set some boundaries with your Mum that she is not observing. If she learns that she can ignore your boundaries without any consequences, then she has no reason to get well. Her bad behavior towards you will escalate.
Is your Dad's place stable and serene? Maybe it is best to stay there for now.
I salute you for your courage and sticking by your convictions.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
Sorry you have to deal with this stuff. As tough as it may be not to talk to your mom about how you feel, there really is no "resolving" anything as long as she continues to drink.
All of us have had our alcoholic partners, parents, children try to lay guilt trips on us. That's your mom with her "You're breaking my heart." YOU have a right to a life without alcoholic drama 24/7. You didn't move out to punish her, you moved out to save your own sanity. That is a very, VERY valid reason, and you shouldn't be second-guessing yourself.
You can tell your mom that if she decides to get help for her drinking that you will support that decision, but that you choose not to engage with her while she is drinking. It's hard to do, no doubt about it, but there is nothing you can do to help her, directly, until and unless she decides that she wants to stop.
I also really strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon group and get some face-to-face support, and that you stick around on this forum, too. We all understand and you will learn a lot about how to cope with this sad situation.
Sorry you have to deal with this stuff. As tough as it may be not to talk to your mom about how you feel, there really is no "resolving" anything as long as she continues to drink.
All of us have had our alcoholic partners, parents, children try to lay guilt trips on us. That's your mom with her "You're breaking my heart." YOU have a right to a life without alcoholic drama 24/7. You didn't move out to punish her, you moved out to save your own sanity. That is a very, VERY valid reason, and you shouldn't be second-guessing yourself.
You can tell your mom that if she decides to get help for her drinking that you will support that decision, but that you choose not to engage with her while she is drinking. It's hard to do, no doubt about it, but there is nothing you can do to help her, directly, until and unless she decides that she wants to stop.
I also really strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon group and get some face-to-face support, and that you stick around on this forum, too. We all understand and you will learn a lot about how to cope with this sad situation.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S- I am sorry that your mother is an A. I am sure you have been dealing with this silently for many many years. I am sure that you have tolerated more then you needed to over the last 20 years, and can no longer live like that.
Your mother is frightened that she will have to make some changes in her life if you leave. You have enabled her to live the way she has been living. By you leaving she has to take responsibility for herself and that is very scary. She is an A and that is the only thing that she can do is protect her drinking. She can think of living without you, but impossible for her to live without her A. Dont take it personally as she can't control her drinking.
So what you need to do is follow with what you told her. If you threatened to leave then you need to follow through. You need to educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism.
If you leave and she gets sober, good for you!!
If you leave and she doesn't get sober, good for you.
She has a disease and there is nothing you can do about it. We do not have power over our alcoholics, we do have power over ourselves. Keep reading SR and try to hit an alanon meeting. Find out what you can do to help yourself, and your life will get better.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Your mother is frightened that she will have to make some changes in her life if you leave. You have enabled her to live the way she has been living. By you leaving she has to take responsibility for herself and that is very scary. She is an A and that is the only thing that she can do is protect her drinking. She can think of living without you, but impossible for her to live without her A. Dont take it personally as she can't control her drinking.
So what you need to do is follow with what you told her. If you threatened to leave then you need to follow through. You need to educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism.
If you leave and she gets sober, good for you!!
If you leave and she doesn't get sober, good for you.
She has a disease and there is nothing you can do about it. We do not have power over our alcoholics, we do have power over ourselves. Keep reading SR and try to hit an alanon meeting. Find out what you can do to help yourself, and your life will get better.
((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Yes, true. I know I need to stick by my boundaries. The major ones (like not coming over, or having moved out in the first place) are easiest. I have the hardest time with the conversational ones.
Its hard right now though because the move isn't super solid. Its been complicated by issues of child support which my mum is dragging me into. Unfortunately my choice to move out affects her in that way. Now she wants to have conversations with me about it and I don't feel comfortable. She says I should be able to have these convos because Im an adult and Im making this happen anyways. I don't see it that way. Despite my adultness, it's still between my dad and her, PLUS its unfair that she try and guilt me for it. If I wasn't trying to leave the situation due to her behaviour, then she wouldnt have to face this.
Furthermore, I am trying out a 3 day at my mum's house approach, and my dad doesn't agree with it. He says if I cant explain why it will be good for me, I will have to choose full time with him, or with her. I cant go back to full time with her, especially while she's in full relapse. BUT. I cant see myself doing full time at my dads either for fear of the consequences of that choice.
Furthermore, I struggled to tell her outright that I was leaving because of her drinking. It was framed at first as that I needed sleep (because her behaviour while drinking wasn't allowing me to sleep). Then I framed it as it will be better for our relationship (she doesn't agree, therefore doesn't take that as a good reason). All of these things boil down to a root cause of her drinking, and she cant accept it. She cant. She says that I am hanging her for her past, and dooming her future to drinking. I explain that the unpredictability is too much for me.
I don't know how to deal with this. When she so completely opposes me and my feelings on this, and basically insinuates that we will no longer have a relationship and she cant forgive me for this? I don't know how to handle that. That's the furthest thing from what I want, but I feel completely stuck between a rock and a hard place.
EDIT: Also, for future readers, I have been going to a group type support. It's similar to Al-Anon, but not exactly the same. A lot of what you guys say is super helpful and similar to what I hear at group. I really appreciate all of your replies!
Its hard right now though because the move isn't super solid. Its been complicated by issues of child support which my mum is dragging me into. Unfortunately my choice to move out affects her in that way. Now she wants to have conversations with me about it and I don't feel comfortable. She says I should be able to have these convos because Im an adult and Im making this happen anyways. I don't see it that way. Despite my adultness, it's still between my dad and her, PLUS its unfair that she try and guilt me for it. If I wasn't trying to leave the situation due to her behaviour, then she wouldnt have to face this.
Furthermore, I am trying out a 3 day at my mum's house approach, and my dad doesn't agree with it. He says if I cant explain why it will be good for me, I will have to choose full time with him, or with her. I cant go back to full time with her, especially while she's in full relapse. BUT. I cant see myself doing full time at my dads either for fear of the consequences of that choice.
Furthermore, I struggled to tell her outright that I was leaving because of her drinking. It was framed at first as that I needed sleep (because her behaviour while drinking wasn't allowing me to sleep). Then I framed it as it will be better for our relationship (she doesn't agree, therefore doesn't take that as a good reason). All of these things boil down to a root cause of her drinking, and she cant accept it. She cant. She says that I am hanging her for her past, and dooming her future to drinking. I explain that the unpredictability is too much for me.
I don't know how to deal with this. When she so completely opposes me and my feelings on this, and basically insinuates that we will no longer have a relationship and she cant forgive me for this? I don't know how to handle that. That's the furthest thing from what I want, but I feel completely stuck between a rock and a hard place.
EDIT: Also, for future readers, I have been going to a group type support. It's similar to Al-Anon, but not exactly the same. A lot of what you guys say is super helpful and similar to what I hear at group. I really appreciate all of your replies!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
She is working you, hard. You need not to engage with her. You know what is right for you. She is an A and will continue drinking. So if you think that she will promise not to drink or say something that you believe, she can't do it. She will lie, as that is what A's also do.
I would not engage or negotiate with her. Do what you need to do for you, the first time in your life. But if you threaten her then you need to follow through with what you say.
I would not engage or negotiate with her. Do what you need to do for you, the first time in your life. But if you threaten her then you need to follow through with what you say.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Denial is the armor that active alcoholics use to protect their drinking. Everything has to be twisted and distorted and altered in order to protect the alcoholic's right to drink. If she makes it your fault that you moved out, she doesn't have to take and honest look at her drinking behavior.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I know that for a long time I carried a burden of unfounded guilt because I was always made to feel I was in the wrong, because sadly, for active alcoholics, drinking can take precedence over parenting.
You are not in any way wrong for enforcing a boundary. Your mom is feeling guilty about her behavior, so she is trying to project the blame onto you. Sounds like she's not ready to reach for recovery. Keep being honest with her, but don't expect a miracle. She won't be able to see the truth of the situation until she's ready.
Hugs to you. Take care of yourself, keep posting and concentrate on school.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I know that for a long time I carried a burden of unfounded guilt because I was always made to feel I was in the wrong, because sadly, for active alcoholics, drinking can take precedence over parenting.
You are not in any way wrong for enforcing a boundary. Your mom is feeling guilty about her behavior, so she is trying to project the blame onto you. Sounds like she's not ready to reach for recovery. Keep being honest with her, but don't expect a miracle. She won't be able to see the truth of the situation until she's ready.
Hugs to you. Take care of yourself, keep posting and concentrate on school.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you aren't staying with her, then your dad shouldn't have to be paying her support for keeping you. Think about what's fair for him, too. There are expenses associated with just having someone else under your roof.
You are NOT required to negotiate with someone who is basically holding you hostage. I'm not saying she is doing this out of malice, but I'm a recovered alcoholic, myself, and ladyscribbler is right--she doesn't want to face up to her own actions and by turning it around and making this about you she can continue to avoid that.
For what it's worth, I've seen many rifts in families heal once the alcoholic does recover. So maybe there will be a rift in your relationship for a time, but she holds the key to repairing it.
I hope you can come to terms with this an make the break that you need to as long as she continues to drink. You deserve a peaceful home where you can get a good night's sleep.
Hugs,
You are NOT required to negotiate with someone who is basically holding you hostage. I'm not saying she is doing this out of malice, but I'm a recovered alcoholic, myself, and ladyscribbler is right--she doesn't want to face up to her own actions and by turning it around and making this about you she can continue to avoid that.
For what it's worth, I've seen many rifts in families heal once the alcoholic does recover. So maybe there will be a rift in your relationship for a time, but she holds the key to repairing it.
I hope you can come to terms with this an make the break that you need to as long as she continues to drink. You deserve a peaceful home where you can get a good night's sleep.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
I grew up in an alcoholic home also and it was extremely difficult.
I was made to feel guilty and responsible for pretty much everything wrong in mother's life.
I think you were wise to leave and her losing the support isn't your problem.
Waking you up with drunken screaming is not an OK thing to do to another person.
Just because you is her child, she doesn't have the right to abuse you--my mom felt entitled to dump on me
because I was "supposed" to listen and endure her anger since I was her "family". That is wrong thinking.
It took me so many years to figure that one out.
Be clear and honest that you left because she was drinking and abusive and that your relationship won't likely improve
until she respects your boundaries and accepts that her drinking is the core issues.
No, she won't like that and may not talk to you for awhile.
Too bad--you aren't her punching bag and she needs to see you won't accept such treatment anymore before she will do something different.
The child support is between your Dad and herself and not your concern.
Her actions brought this about, so let her deal with the consequences
Often, consequences are the only think that makes an alcoholic "deal" with their problem, although sometimes that isn't enough either.
Please keep getting your group support and also talk to your Dad about getting some appointments with a therapist who deals with addiction--
talking about some of the pain and emotional issues growing up like this cause was very helpful to me.
Congratulations on protecting yourself and stepping away.
I was made to feel guilty and responsible for pretty much everything wrong in mother's life.
I think you were wise to leave and her losing the support isn't your problem.
Waking you up with drunken screaming is not an OK thing to do to another person.
Just because you is her child, she doesn't have the right to abuse you--my mom felt entitled to dump on me
because I was "supposed" to listen and endure her anger since I was her "family". That is wrong thinking.
It took me so many years to figure that one out.
Be clear and honest that you left because she was drinking and abusive and that your relationship won't likely improve
until she respects your boundaries and accepts that her drinking is the core issues.
No, she won't like that and may not talk to you for awhile.
Too bad--you aren't her punching bag and she needs to see you won't accept such treatment anymore before she will do something different.
The child support is between your Dad and herself and not your concern.
Her actions brought this about, so let her deal with the consequences
Often, consequences are the only think that makes an alcoholic "deal" with their problem, although sometimes that isn't enough either.
Please keep getting your group support and also talk to your Dad about getting some appointments with a therapist who deals with addiction--
talking about some of the pain and emotional issues growing up like this cause was very helpful to me.
Congratulations on protecting yourself and stepping away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Hawkeye, my mum does the exact same dumping thing. Her issues get talked about to me, and now I have no idea what's appropriate for me to listen to or support her about. I don't even know what proper support for someone is anymore. I have a long way to go in learning how to fix my end of the communication with her so that it's not the codependent poop anymore. Her end of the convo, I can't control. I can only try to put up and aintain boundaries.
The other aspect is that she obviously isn't always like this. Its hard to reconcile the two parts of her behaviours. Its hard to lose the bearable parts of her because of this decision, but I know I need to let that go. Continuing in the same situation wasn't healthy for either of us. Doing this will cause us both to grow hopefully.
The other aspect is that she obviously isn't always like this. Its hard to reconcile the two parts of her behaviours. Its hard to lose the bearable parts of her because of this decision, but I know I need to let that go. Continuing in the same situation wasn't healthy for either of us. Doing this will cause us both to grow hopefully.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult situation.
You are doing the right things. You are making very good choices even though I know it is hard. I'm glad to hear you are going to the group and also keep posting here. It is normal to need lots of support surrounding these transitions and turning points. Just keep doing the next right thing *for you*. Things will fall into place. Your mom is an adult and it is her job to do the next right thing *for her* and that is exactly what she's fighting against.
The conversations are hard. Some things that I have used to help me with the really difficult conversations are as follows ( some work at with some people/conversations, others with others. See if any work for your or maybe it will just get you thinking about strategies that makes sense to you)
* Make an excuse to leave (even if I just say I have to go) and then get out of there or hang up. I cut them off to say that and I don't wait for a response. I have walked off while people are talking. Hard the first time - gets easier.
* Nod and say "I understand." or "Ok" or "That is a bummer." but not respond or engage in any crazy talk or conversation that lead to it.
* "You'll have to talk to someone about that." or "I can't help you with that."
* I have things I say in my head that get me out of the fear and guilt mindset and into the reality. They are sometimes kind of mean and I'd never in a million years say it out loud but we do what we gotta do
Things like "Not my problem" "that is crazy talk" "Drunk people suck." "You are a dumb ass." mean haha "Not my hoola hoop" "I have the right to xyz?" Phrases that are just phrases to you but that help you stay focused and out of the murky guilt/fear.
It is also perfectly to to limit your contact with her or stop it all together for a while if you need to. Sometimes we have to do that and it isn't forever and it isn't wrong.
You are doing the right things. You are making very good choices even though I know it is hard. I'm glad to hear you are going to the group and also keep posting here. It is normal to need lots of support surrounding these transitions and turning points. Just keep doing the next right thing *for you*. Things will fall into place. Your mom is an adult and it is her job to do the next right thing *for her* and that is exactly what she's fighting against.
The conversations are hard. Some things that I have used to help me with the really difficult conversations are as follows ( some work at with some people/conversations, others with others. See if any work for your or maybe it will just get you thinking about strategies that makes sense to you)
* Make an excuse to leave (even if I just say I have to go) and then get out of there or hang up. I cut them off to say that and I don't wait for a response. I have walked off while people are talking. Hard the first time - gets easier.
* Nod and say "I understand." or "Ok" or "That is a bummer." but not respond or engage in any crazy talk or conversation that lead to it.
* "You'll have to talk to someone about that." or "I can't help you with that."
* I have things I say in my head that get me out of the fear and guilt mindset and into the reality. They are sometimes kind of mean and I'd never in a million years say it out loud but we do what we gotta do
Things like "Not my problem" "that is crazy talk" "Drunk people suck." "You are a dumb ass." mean haha "Not my hoola hoop" "I have the right to xyz?" Phrases that are just phrases to you but that help you stay focused and out of the murky guilt/fear. It is also perfectly to to limit your contact with her or stop it all together for a while if you need to. Sometimes we have to do that and it isn't forever and it isn't wrong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Thanks so much guys!
Those conversational tips are helpful. I will be sure to try them.
Now what she says a lot is that we're done, that it's 'over'. We'll see how things go when she dries up a bit. She's super drunk today, and I'm over. Its relieving to know I can go to my dad's, but of course I worry about her saftey. Any tips for that one? She wouldn't be up for a trip to the hospital, and it's next to impossible to get her to go to bed...any thoughts?
Thanks again for all the support! This is super helpful. It's a long hail between meetings, plus this week's is cancelled : (
Those conversational tips are helpful. I will be sure to try them.
Now what she says a lot is that we're done, that it's 'over'. We'll see how things go when she dries up a bit. She's super drunk today, and I'm over. Its relieving to know I can go to my dad's, but of course I worry about her saftey. Any tips for that one? She wouldn't be up for a trip to the hospital, and it's next to impossible to get her to go to bed...any thoughts?
Thanks again for all the support! This is super helpful. It's a long hail between meetings, plus this week's is cancelled : (
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Just want to send you a hug Spadling.
It's a lonely sad place to be worrying about an alcoholic parent's safety on top of everything else.
Mine set the kitchen on fire several times and nearly killed me twice from smoke inhalation.
I don't even want to discuss the falls, broken bones, smashed teeth, and emergency room visits
caused by drinking she had. When they get far enough down the path, this often is a common outcome.
You really can't save them from themselves but you can make yourself crazy and sick trying.
No tips except detach and don't go over there anymore if she is drinking.
Sounds tough, and it is hard to do at first, but the only way you can get yourself back
fully is to let her, as an adult, be responsible for herself.
When you grow up taking care of them, it is pretty scary to do that, and sometimes bad things can happen,
but you cannot spend the rest of your life breaking her fall.
No good for either of you.
Best to you and keep moving forward at a pace that is comfortable to you.
It's a lonely sad place to be worrying about an alcoholic parent's safety on top of everything else.
Mine set the kitchen on fire several times and nearly killed me twice from smoke inhalation.
I don't even want to discuss the falls, broken bones, smashed teeth, and emergency room visits
caused by drinking she had. When they get far enough down the path, this often is a common outcome.
You really can't save them from themselves but you can make yourself crazy and sick trying.
No tips except detach and don't go over there anymore if she is drinking.
Sounds tough, and it is hard to do at first, but the only way you can get yourself back
fully is to let her, as an adult, be responsible for herself.
When you grow up taking care of them, it is pretty scary to do that, and sometimes bad things can happen,
but you cannot spend the rest of your life breaking her fall.
No good for either of you.
Best to you and keep moving forward at a pace that is comfortable to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
Thanks so much Hawkeye. I'm going to have to communicate that boundary to her quite soon. I struggle because I think of boundaries as they get crossed and then don't get the chance to coherently explain them or enforce them in the moment, as I need to explain it first and then act on it. Doing it on the spot is too reactionary I think?
Either way this whole situation is just escalating. She decided it was a good idea to walk over to my dads and demand my phone. Oy.
Also. Im understanding a huge issue with this whole situation for me is my fear. My biggest fear. It's the worst fear I can imagine. Im so afraid that this has seriously damaged our relationship to a point that is not recoverable, and the fact is that she isn't well. She's not. Im afraid for her life. Her health isn't good. Im afraid that she will die and we will be on bad terms. It's truly my worst fear. Before all of this, at least things were bearable. She didn't think I was her biggest traitor (one of them, but not her biggest lol). SHe didn't feel like there was nothing left between us. Now she feels that. Now Im left to cope with potentially losing our relationship based on this move. Plus having to deal with her mortality. I don't know if I can handle that.
Detaching is one thing. But, really, I love her. I will always love her. It hurts me to think that she might think I don't. She says that. It hurts me to think that I could lose her on bad terms. I am SO afraid of that. I don't know how to accept that potential reality.
Either way this whole situation is just escalating. She decided it was a good idea to walk over to my dads and demand my phone. Oy.
Also. Im understanding a huge issue with this whole situation for me is my fear. My biggest fear. It's the worst fear I can imagine. Im so afraid that this has seriously damaged our relationship to a point that is not recoverable, and the fact is that she isn't well. She's not. Im afraid for her life. Her health isn't good. Im afraid that she will die and we will be on bad terms. It's truly my worst fear. Before all of this, at least things were bearable. She didn't think I was her biggest traitor (one of them, but not her biggest lol). SHe didn't feel like there was nothing left between us. Now she feels that. Now Im left to cope with potentially losing our relationship based on this move. Plus having to deal with her mortality. I don't know if I can handle that.
Detaching is one thing. But, really, I love her. I will always love her. It hurts me to think that she might think I don't. She says that. It hurts me to think that I could lose her on bad terms. I am SO afraid of that. I don't know how to accept that potential reality.
Sober since 10th April 2012
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Posts: 6,047
Oh scalding, my heart goes out to you. First up, there's no point discussing anything at all with a drunk person. While she's on this binge, forget that part.
I agree with your father that it would be best for you to move full-time, so everyone knows where they stand.
My mother used emotional blackmail for the longest time, so I know how hurtful it can be, but in fact she is much more vulnerable than you. You have the power, not her.
She will try:
- the pathetic, 'I need to be looked after', approach
- the 'I know you don't love me any more'
- the passive aggressive silent treatment
- the hostile 'we are finished' thing - you are now a traitor, but that's what she calls everyone who has finally had enough of her behaviour so you're the latest of a long list
It's all a desperate attempt to have you around and keep drinking. If you can get the courage to stand firm, she will eventually understand, and who knows you might even save her life? If you're worried about her health, show her how much damage her drinking is doing to your relationship.
As much as she is pulling out her biggest threats, huffing and puffing she's really a frightened kid trying out the usual tantrums to see if they'll work.
I agree with your father that it would be best for you to move full-time, so everyone knows where they stand.
My mother used emotional blackmail for the longest time, so I know how hurtful it can be, but in fact she is much more vulnerable than you. You have the power, not her.
She will try:
- the pathetic, 'I need to be looked after', approach
- the 'I know you don't love me any more'
- the passive aggressive silent treatment
- the hostile 'we are finished' thing - you are now a traitor, but that's what she calls everyone who has finally had enough of her behaviour so you're the latest of a long list
It's all a desperate attempt to have you around and keep drinking. If you can get the courage to stand firm, she will eventually understand, and who knows you might even save her life? If you're worried about her health, show her how much damage her drinking is doing to your relationship.
As much as she is pulling out her biggest threats, huffing and puffing she's really a frightened kid trying out the usual tantrums to see if they'll work.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Oh scalding, my heart goes out to you. First up, there's no point discussing anything at all with a drunk person. While she's on this binge, forget that part.
I agree with your father that it would be best for you to move full-time, so everyone knows where they stand.
My mother used emotional blackmail for the longest time, so I know how hurtful it can be, but in fact she is much more vulnerable than you. You have the power, not her.
She will try:
- the pathetic, 'I need to be looked after', approach
- the 'I know you don't love me any more'
- the passive aggressive silent treatment
- the hostile 'we are finished' thing - you are now a traitor, but that's what she calls everyone who has finally had enough of her behaviour so you're the latest of a long list
It's all a desperate attempt to have you around and keep drinking. If you can get the courage to stand firm, she will eventually understand, and who knows you might even save her life? If you're worried about her health, show her how much damage her drinking is doing to your relationship.
As much as she is pulling out her biggest threats, huffing and puffing she's really a frightened kid trying out the usual tantrums to see if they'll work.
I agree with your father that it would be best for you to move full-time, so everyone knows where they stand.
My mother used emotional blackmail for the longest time, so I know how hurtful it can be, but in fact she is much more vulnerable than you. You have the power, not her.
She will try:
- the pathetic, 'I need to be looked after', approach
- the 'I know you don't love me any more'
- the passive aggressive silent treatment
- the hostile 'we are finished' thing - you are now a traitor, but that's what she calls everyone who has finally had enough of her behaviour so you're the latest of a long list
It's all a desperate attempt to have you around and keep drinking. If you can get the courage to stand firm, she will eventually understand, and who knows you might even save her life? If you're worried about her health, show her how much damage her drinking is doing to your relationship.
As much as she is pulling out her biggest threats, huffing and puffing she's really a frightened kid trying out the usual tantrums to see if they'll work.
This was all true for me as well, and quite frankly the outline of the the manipulation(s) the alcoholic parent uses were exactly what my mother did to me and to my brother before me.
He actually moved to a different hemisphere to get away from her, so then it all fell on me.
Don't listen to the drunken guilt trips--they are about getting control of you again and that will not help her or you.
Yes, your greatest fear might be realized in that she could die drinking and you can't save yourself and her-as-alcoholic at the same time.
Yes, she might stay angry "at" you for some time for not letting her drink and abuse you.
But that is her choice, and you enabling / supporting her abuse and alcoholism really isn't helping her grow as a person and it is really hurting you.
The sober mother that you love and miss would not knowingly choose to hurt her own child in such a way--
My mother hurt me so much as her alcoholism grew, and I, like you, had many wonderful early childhood memories of her as a loving,
caring mother so it was especially hard to step back and acknowledge that I might never have that relationship again.
I can tell you that if you keep engaging in the tailspin of codependency by "supporting" her drinking emotionally,
she has virtually no chance of getting better and things will get even worse.
That's exactly what I did for years and it didn't work for either one of us. I ended up an alcoholic too in part to deal with the pain.
If you step away, she may choose to address her problem or may not--nobody can predict that
but I think if she finds herself alone in her drinking, she may find she is at "bottom" and do something to change her situation.
Even if the worst happens and she doesn't choose help, you can keep loving her but also protect yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
((spalding)))
I am so incredibly sorry to hear about what you are dealing with but I am really glad you have reached out for support. This forum has been a true god-send for me and face-to-face Al Anon meetings literally saved my life. This is a really hard situation to deal with...continue to reach out for all the support you can find. You've taken some really tremendous first steps...and you've shown so much courage...Keep going!! I promise things can and will get better if you just keep taking care of YOU.
I really love what Lexie said...
Oh my gosh, YES, this is it ! This was the biggest and hardest lesson I had to learn when it came to extricating myself and our son from my alcoholic/drug-addicted exhusband. For years, it seemed as though any move I took to make my life better (and the life of our son) had to come at the expense of HIS wellbeing. I did so many things out of sheer guilt...and these things were very detrimental to me and our son. I gave money I didn't have. I tolerated behavior I shouldn't have tolerated. I thought I was doing it out of love. I wasn't. I was doing it out of guilt because I was an emotional hostage to the disease of addiction.
Alcoholics aren't bad people. They're just sick. Your mom isn't doing any of this to hurt YOU, she's doing it because that's what addicts do. Similarly, any thing you do to imporove your life isn't done TO HER...its done to make your life better. And if your mom were healthy, she'd be the first one to say you need to put your needs first in this situation.
Keep reaching out. Come here...post and read. And really, if you can, find yourself a good support group for family and friends of alcoholics. The face-to-face support I found at al anon meetings literally saved my life.
Hugs and strength!!
Mary
I am so incredibly sorry to hear about what you are dealing with but I am really glad you have reached out for support. This forum has been a true god-send for me and face-to-face Al Anon meetings literally saved my life. This is a really hard situation to deal with...continue to reach out for all the support you can find. You've taken some really tremendous first steps...and you've shown so much courage...Keep going!! I promise things can and will get better if you just keep taking care of YOU.
I really love what Lexie said...
You didn't move out to punish her, you moved out to save your own sanity.
Alcoholics aren't bad people. They're just sick. Your mom isn't doing any of this to hurt YOU, she's doing it because that's what addicts do. Similarly, any thing you do to imporove your life isn't done TO HER...its done to make your life better. And if your mom were healthy, she'd be the first one to say you need to put your needs first in this situation.
Keep reaching out. Come here...post and read. And really, if you can, find yourself a good support group for family and friends of alcoholics. The face-to-face support I found at al anon meetings literally saved my life.
Hugs and strength!!
Mary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
I cant thank you all enough. I really cant.
These are the words I need to hear. This is the voice I know I have in there somewhere that I need to listen to. Your words are all so much strength.
As it stands, I've spoken to her a few times today. She calls a lot, but I stopped answering those until much later. Our chat was brief. We will be talking tomorrow about getting more of my stuff out of the house.
I can see now it's my hurdle to get over in accepting that I might know these things, and that I am doing them because I love her and I need to care for myself; but that she doesnt understand it. I need to get over that. I need to be aware of myself trying to get that across because it doesnt help. I need to just do what I do, and love her as best I can. I need to learn what healthy love and support is, and I need to practice it. That wasnt possible while I lived with her. It's slightly more so now.
Thank you all. I will keep posting in here as the situation updates.
These are the words I need to hear. This is the voice I know I have in there somewhere that I need to listen to. Your words are all so much strength.
As it stands, I've spoken to her a few times today. She calls a lot, but I stopped answering those until much later. Our chat was brief. We will be talking tomorrow about getting more of my stuff out of the house.
I can see now it's my hurdle to get over in accepting that I might know these things, and that I am doing them because I love her and I need to care for myself; but that she doesnt understand it. I need to get over that. I need to be aware of myself trying to get that across because it doesnt help. I need to just do what I do, and love her as best I can. I need to learn what healthy love and support is, and I need to practice it. That wasnt possible while I lived with her. It's slightly more so now.
Thank you all. I will keep posting in here as the situation updates.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: grateful where at
Posts: 52
Be careful of future tripping. Something I have had to learn so I stay sane. My son is doing well and I am as long as I don't think " is he going to relapse, not want to work the program." I read a quote " The end is not written". I have to remind myself of this when I begin to future trip. Just my thoughts. Take care of yourself, you are worth it.
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