TropicalWinter

Just putting this out there...

Does anyone have experience with long-term addiction? Like, someone who has been a substance abuser since their teen years?

My AH has quite literally not been sober since his early teens, and he is now in his early 40's. Over the 15 years of our marriage, with the exception of his brief and incomplete stint in rehab earlier this year, he did not go a SINGLE DAY without drinking. Not one.

He has many layers of issues, and I think that underneath it all he's afraid and unwilling to do the work it takes to get sober and recover.

I think his emotional development stopped in his teen years, too.

Now that I've had some time and space to reflect, I can see things much more clearly. I allowed myself to be treated SO much less than I deserve. I myself was running from dysfunction when I met him, but I ended up mired in dysfunction with him too.

Dysfunction was my normal growing up (not with addiction, but with an undiagnosed mentally ill/unattached mother and brilliant but codependent father), and it's been my normal during my adult life so far, too. I'd say that I lost sight of who I was when I was with AH, but I never really knew who I was BEFORE...

I'm turning 40 next month. My theme for next year is going to be Healing Growth. I have come a long way, still have a long way to go, but I finally have hope for myself.

LexieCat

I know tons of people in AA who got sober after drinking alcoholically since their teen years. My first husband was fortunate enough to get sober when he was 20, but the folks who got sober much later in life have missed out on the learning most of us do in our late teens/early adulthood. I've seen some pretty amazing recovery, though, with some of those people. It can take a few years before they are as emotionally stable as someone who hadn't been drinking all that time, but it can be done.

Your goal for yourself sounds awesome--what a great gift to give yourself!

carolineno

I have had this experience. My AH has smoked pot much of his life. I can't say every day (but the last decade, yes, every day, unless he can't get it), but close enough. Sadly, the early times in our relationship when he did not smoke for a few months on and off, I was still very mired in the dysfunction of my FOO, so I guess I didn't notice. At that point I suppose we both considered it to be his recreation. I was used to a certain amount of neglect, and being a fixer/helper, so I was always chasing the next storm.

Now we are in our 40s and with 2 kids and a ton of debt. I finally had my "aha" moment when he was having one of his classic negativity spirals. He was riffing about how much he hates his job, and added "some days I feel like killing myself." The old me would have taken on trying to fix that, and I did somewhat, trying to offer solutions etc., but in my heart, I thought to myself "my kids have been through a lot this year (the eldest was hospitalized for depression briefly - it runs in my side of the family) - do I want them to live with the legacy of finding their father dead too? They'll never recover." So, my head and my heart finally had a serious chat, and heart and head decided we need to end this relationship. He later apologized for saying that he felt like killing himself, but really, you can't un-say that. I didn't bother asking him to try therapy - done that a dozen times, he always says no.

So I've been doing serious recovery work. I had read the codependency books before, but, again, heart and head weren't talking. I was still in survival mode. I didn't know what a need was, or a boundary. I thought I had set a boundary once - I said "I'll never bail you out of jail." It makes me laugh a bit now, but it was also pretty pathetic. Reading other people's stories helps me, as does private blogging. Right now AH is trying to honeymoon me, but my blog keeps me on course. I realized the other day that one of my favorite things to read is my own blog - it's been a great gift to myself.

So, I guess to summarize and respond to what you're asking about (instead of rambling ) yes, my AH is a long term user, but I am no longer trying to fix him, just trying to make myself happy again.

It's a very difficult road. I've made things quite difficult for myself, but I finally feel I am over the hill, and gaining momentum in recovery.

as the saying goes "don't look back you're not going that way!"

LeeJane

My hub quit drinking about 5 months ago, he had been a very long term abuser. He started mid teens and when he quit all those decades later, it is like he is emotionally in his mid teens. He is learning to grow up. He is doing well.

I am involved in my own recovery program.

LifeRecovery

Many of the reading I have done on addiction have people that struggled talking about how they drank alcoholically from their first drink....often in their teens.

My ex tells a story about how he used to go on Sundays to explore the outdoors with his dad (who had challenges around drinking I think). He was 4-5 and his dad left a beer open on one of these adventures. My ex got it, sipped it, and then drank the whole thing down "Because I liked the taste." His dad could not go home for hours because he had a little kid intoxicated.

At first I though what a cute story. Over time though I have realized that this may have been the switch needed to make alcohol the comfort, connection and good times that my ex thought it was. In place before he went to kindergarten.

I think it is common that people struggle from a young age. I know my co-dependent behavior was the worst in my high school/college years. I just want you to know that I believe we can recovery from it, regardless of the age it started. I believe it is our life journey to do so.

NYCDoglvr

Your husband will or won't get sober and it's completely out of your hands. The important issue is what you're doing about being in the relationship. It's not to late to get your own life back, to heal the pain of your own past. Alanon saved my sanity and my life and helped me let go of an alcoholic whose presence in my life caused a lot of misery. I recommend it.