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Help, he still loves me

Old 12-08-2014, 07:44 PM
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Help, he still loves me

He still loves me. I've got a lot to say because I'm pretty sad about it.

I posted recently about him calling me, and us talking, over Thanksgiving weekend. I hadn't heard from him in months because I had asked him to stop calling for a while. Since Thanksgiving he has called three times and just texted me on my way home from work. I haven't responded. It is painful seeing his name on my phone, knowing he's trying to get my attention. Him suddenly entering my mind, I don't like it. It hurts knowing he still wants me after his behavior forced me to give him up and give up on us. I haven't seen him for over a year.

I feel so sad for him, he's so demented, depressed and ill. This makes me want to be compassionate but I don't know what the most compassionate thing to do is. I thought talking to him over the holiday would satisfy him and he would go away for a while. I thought...he's upset, I know how he gets when he's upset, it scared me so I comforted him by giving in and answering. I can see my behavior now. I'm afraid he will never let me go and he will continue to contact me and therefor I will never lose sight of his misery. I also fear him using our failed relationship as another reason to destroy himself. Unrequited love.

It hurts incredibly that this person I deeply, passionately loved and wholeheartedly believed in is so broken and sad. He keeps reaching for me to make him feel better but I can't do it for him. It hurts so much because I wish I could help him but his pain is a bottomless pit. I tried for years to no avail. I gave him 10 years of my life and he wound up exactly where he was before he met me, with a bottle in his mouth and a needle in his arm. It's all so disappointing and such a sad, heartbreaking end to our story together. He's cried to me about how much he misses me, how much he regrets what he's done to us, he still loves me. The truth is I care about him too, but I wouldn't say I love him at this point. I can't be around him because he has hurt me so much and he's mentally unstable which frightens me. I don't trust him and his self destruction terrifies me. Overall after really getting to know him, I don't like him that much. I have come to dislike him in general but still care about him because we shared so much intimacy and there was a point when we were more compatible. There were some times when he did some truly nice things and honestly he put me on a pedestal and treated me like I was rare and precious. Overall though, it became a total nightmare. That pedestal came tumbling down and he walked all over me. I worked so, so, so hard to get myself away from him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The moment I knew I had to let go was one of the deepest pains I've ever felt. I truly loved this man so much. He turned my senses on in so many ways, he excited and thrilled me. Now I fear him and I fear for him. The relationship made me really sick. I became someone I don't like. The after effects are strong and linger. I have made a lot of progress but have a journey ahead of me still. That's how deep the pain goes...I will be healing from this for years.

So when he calls me it's difficult to deal with. I'm want a new life without him. It was unthinkable at first, the idea of a life without him, but now it excites me. I want to heal from this even if it takes years. I want to learn more about why I chose this relationship and why I stayed and accepted it for years, why I lost myself. I want to live. I want to let go of him completely and forget but I can't since he will always be a part of my life story, my experience. I want to say goodbye again...and it hurts again. Especially because he still loves me...and that's what I wanted from him, his love. But his love comes with so much pain that I don't want it anymore. I can't handle it.

Here I am again, afraid to let go. Afraid it might not be the right thing to do after all. Afraid about how much it hurts, for both of us. Afraid of his extreme reactionary self destructive behavior. I want to let go peacefully and I think I could achieve that but I'm not sure he will.
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Old 12-08-2014, 08:19 PM
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The compassionate thing to do--for both of you--is to just CEASE all contact. You can't heal if you keep ripping the scab off. And by continuing to engage with him, you are giving him hope that you'll come back to him--something you are telling us you don't want.

He isn't capable of making the right decision; you are. So do it.
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Old 12-08-2014, 08:29 PM
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You are not obligated to answer the phone every time it rings. Listening to his words has gotten you nowhere. He knows all the right buttons to push. He's had a decade of practice at manipulating you. Of course he's good at it. Manipulating you has worked for him in the past, so he's trying it again now.
You have changed; he refuses to change. Take care of yourself here. If he wanted something different or better for himself he would at least be working on a way to get it by now.
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Old 12-08-2014, 09:59 PM
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wow, i feel the same way about my ex fiancee, its hard, i know, its miserable. Its also hard when you had some good memories, but when you think of the bad ones it makes the decision that much clearer. I never thought i would be on here giving advice to someone 2 years later after me and my ex split. I understand your pain.....but NO CONTACT is honestly THE ABSOLUTE best way. i had to change my number it got so bad and i was being dragged down every text and every call i received. then i recovered..then it came again. after months and months i couldn't emotionally take it anymore. changing my # was the best thing I've done. stay strong
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Old 12-09-2014, 05:21 AM
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Originally Posted by shortayp18 View Post
i had to change my number it got so bad and i was being dragged down every text and every call i received. then i recovered..then it came again. after months and months i couldn't emotionally take it anymore.
This. This is where I'm at now. I was so happy when he didn't call for months. There were times when I wondered how he was doing but overall I rarely thought of him. It was awesome. Now he's focused on me again and it's so frustrating. I worry that if I change my number he will try to find other avenues of contacting me...like calling my family, showing up at work. He contacted two of my friends before he contacted me on Thanksgiving. They both can't stand him. Did you worry about this to?
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Old 12-09-2014, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
He knows all the right buttons to push. He's had a decade of practice at manipulating you. Of course he's good at it. Manipulating you has worked for him in the past, so he's trying it again now.
On point. Exactly. He wants something from me that he knows I don't want to give him so he's trying to figure out how to get it from me anyway...manipulating me for his benefit without concern for me. Thanks for pointing this out.
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Old 12-09-2014, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
The compassionate thing to do--for both of you--is to just CEASE all contact. You can't heal if you keep ripping the scab off. And by continuing to engage with him, you are giving him hope that you'll come back to him--something you are telling us you don't want.

He isn't capable of making the right decision; you are. So do it.
Thank you LexieCat. I need to continue to ignore the contact and take it one day at a time. I mean it's been a year and 7 months since I moved out...I thought he'd have left me alone by now. I did initially ignore the Thanksgiving call but then he called my friend and that freaked me out so I responded and now I opened the door again. Have to shut it once again.
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Old 12-09-2014, 06:13 AM
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I was so happy when he didn't call for months. There were times when I wondered how he was doing but overall I rarely thought of him.
Sounds like when he loses his enabler he tried to reel you back in.
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Old 12-09-2014, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by kudzujean View Post
Sounds like when he loses his enabler he tried to reel you back in.

This.

One thing that helps me is when I realized that my AH isn't capable of "loving" me - not in a healthy, mutually respectful way. He needs me. He loves the thought of someone to take care of him. But he doesn't love me. So, when he says nice things or that he loves me, I just remind myself that he doesn't even love himself - he can't possibly love me. He just wants me to go back to being his caretaker.

Then, I don't feel bad or sympathetic. Just angry. Which I probably need to let go of...
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Old 12-09-2014, 06:32 AM
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it's helpful to remember - the chances are very high that you are not the only person he is phoning or texting. you are not the only person on the planet to whom he can reach out. he's drunk dialing....and singing his sad lil song, not wanting HELP, just wanting to tell others his tales of woe. poor me. if you don't pick up, someone else will..........

and since he HAS use of a phone, he can call for professional help at any time. he's not on some deserted island, beating out on SOS on a coconut.
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Old 12-09-2014, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
it's helpful to remember - the chances are very high that you are not the only person he is phoning or texting.
You are so very right AnvilheadII. He told me when we talked he had become interested in a coworker and she moved to a different shift so now he can't see her and he's upset....then you know what....he snickered, yeah for real he did. Then he puts these creepy posts on FB about some 22 yr old coming over to his apartment...he's 39! ( I've stopped looking at FB). So yeah....he's looking for anyone to throw into his bottomless pit of pain and melodrama. Anyone willing or unsuspecting. When we were together he was calling old drug friends and lovers behind my back during the last few years. So, now I'm the one he's calling behind someone else's back. Makes me sick...what a creep. Sometimes my brain still confuses the illusion of who he wanted me to think he was and who I wanted him to be with the reality of who he really is.
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Old 12-09-2014, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
you are not the only person on the planet to whom he can reach out. if you don't pick up, someone else will..........and since he HAS use of a phone, he can call for professional help at any time. he's not on some deserted island, beating out SOS on a coconut.
Yes. Thank you. I needed to hear this. I resigned my position of caretaker when I decided to move out and break up with him. He is as alone as he chooses to be.
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Old 12-09-2014, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by LittleBirds3 View Post
He loves the thought of someone to take care of him. But he doesn't love me. So, when he says nice things or that he loves me, I just remind myself that he doesn't even love himself - he can't possibly love me. He just wants me to go back to being his caretaker.
Thank you so much. He calls because he needs something and he thinks I might be able to give it to him. He also hates himself so much...it's awful. He's in so much pain and he is constantly trying to relieve it but ironically he keeps creating more pain....I just don't understand...but I do know that his version of love hurts him and whoever he chooses to "love".
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Old 12-09-2014, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Shutterbug1 View Post
Thank you so much. He calls because he needs something and he thinks I might be able to give it to him. He also hates himself so much...it's awful. He's in so much pain and he is constantly trying to relieve it but ironically he keeps creating more pain....I just don't understand...but I do know that his version of love hurts him and whoever he chooses to "love".
Sound like you've learned the lesson.

Congratulations--spoil yourself a little today because you are taking care of you

That's real and measurable progress in Codieland
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Old 12-09-2014, 03:05 PM
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He keeps reaching for me to make him feel better but I can't do it for him
I'm sure. Alcoholics go to great lengths to hang on to their enablers. He says he loves you....what does his behavior say? Is he sober, in a program, working hard on himself?
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Old 12-09-2014, 03:06 PM
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He keeps reaching for me to make him feel better but I can't do it for him
I'm sure. Alcoholics go to great lengths to hang on to their enablers. He says he loves you....what does his behavior say? Is he sober, in a program, working hard on himself?
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