Shutterbug1

He still loves me. I've got a lot to say because I'm pretty sad about it.

I posted recently about him calling me, and us talking, over Thanksgiving weekend. I hadn't heard from him in months because I had asked him to stop calling for a while. Since Thanksgiving he has called three times and just texted me on my way home from work. I haven't responded. It is painful seeing his name on my phone, knowing he's trying to get my attention. Him suddenly entering my mind, I don't like it. It hurts knowing he still wants me after his behavior forced me to give him up and give up on us. I haven't seen him for over a year.

I feel so sad for him, he's so demented, depressed and ill. This makes me want to be compassionate but I don't know what the most compassionate thing to do is. I thought talking to him over the holiday would satisfy him and he would go away for a while. I thought...he's upset, I know how he gets when he's upset, it scared me so I comforted him by giving in and answering. I can see my behavior now. I'm afraid he will never let me go and he will continue to contact me and therefor I will never lose sight of his misery. I also fear him using our failed relationship as another reason to destroy himself. Unrequited love.

It hurts incredibly that this person I deeply, passionately loved and wholeheartedly believed in is so broken and sad. He keeps reaching for me to make him feel better but I can't do it for him. It hurts so much because I wish I could help him but his pain is a bottomless pit. I tried for years to no avail. I gave him 10 years of my life and he wound up exactly where he was before he met me, with a bottle in his mouth and a needle in his arm. It's all so disappointing and such a sad, heartbreaking end to our story together. He's cried to me about how much he misses me, how much he regrets what he's done to us, he still loves me. The truth is I care about him too, but I wouldn't say I love him at this point. I can't be around him because he has hurt me so much and he's mentally unstable which frightens me. I don't trust him and his self destruction terrifies me. Overall after really getting to know him, I don't like him that much. I have come to dislike him in general but still care about him because we shared so much intimacy and there was a point when we were more compatible. There were some times when he did some truly nice things and honestly he put me on a pedestal and treated me like I was rare and precious. Overall though, it became a total nightmare. That pedestal came tumbling down and he walked all over me. I worked so, so, so hard to get myself away from him. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The moment I knew I had to let go was one of the deepest pains I've ever felt. I truly loved this man so much. He turned my senses on in so many ways, he excited and thrilled me. Now I fear him and I fear for him. The relationship made me really sick. I became someone I don't like. The after effects are strong and linger. I have made a lot of progress but have a journey ahead of me still. That's how deep the pain goes...I will be healing from this for years.

So when he calls me it's difficult to deal with. I'm want a new life without him. It was unthinkable at first, the idea of a life without him, but now it excites me. I want to heal from this even if it takes years. I want to learn more about why I chose this relationship and why I stayed and accepted it for years, why I lost myself. I want to live. I want to let go of him completely and forget but I can't since he will always be a part of my life story, my experience. I want to say goodbye again...and it hurts again. Especially because he still loves me...and that's what I wanted from him, his love. But his love comes with so much pain that I don't want it anymore. I can't handle it.

Here I am again, afraid to let go. Afraid it might not be the right thing to do after all. Afraid about how much it hurts, for both of us. Afraid of his extreme reactionary self destructive behavior. I want to let go peacefully and I think I could achieve that but I'm not sure he will.