It all just feels so odd.... I think I'm numb.
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It all just feels so odd.... I think I'm numb.
Don't get me wrong, I have fleeting moments of intense emotions about him, the situation, the end of our engagement and all that it entails, but more than not, I think I just feel so numb? I'm still unsure how and when I made the decision to end it (I know I did, but, I never could before and it just seems hard to make sense how it all transpired) or if I just knew I lost the battle and gave up the fight. I was battle weary. I knew I wasn't going to win this fight and if I kept trying, I was going to lose myself and everything I stood for. I can't help but feel I gave up on him, but really, he gave up on himself and I had no choice but to follow along. I was so tired of fighting for him when he wouldn't even fight for himself. Sometimes I think he couldn't fight for himself and that makes me brutally sad. There was nothing left I could do, honestly.
Going from being completely a part of someone's every day life to having absolutely no contact at all in a matter of days feels so....odd. We knew every move the other was making, and now... just nothingness. Like the other never existed, like we weren't just sleeping in the same bed and sharing dinner together 2 weeks ago, living in the same house and sharing every aspect of our lives. It hurts so much to let myself think about it because when things were good, they were great. He wasn't a bad person, at least I don't think he was. He tried so very hard, but he just couldn't, or wouldn't, get help. We were so close, like the best of friends and we shared so many wonderful moments together. The words he chose when he asked me to marry him were beautiful, heartfelt and chosen from the heart. As much as he was capable as an alcoholic, I know he loved me. How he chose to pick leaving instead of getting help and making us work is so mindblowing. It hurts.
I know it's wrong and I shouldn't expect it, but I never thought he'd give up on us so easily. I thought he'd fight for us, and eventually, come to terms with the fact that his drinking had to stop so that he wouldn't lose everything. We had so much together. We did so much together. We had fun, we had each other.
Eventually, the drinking became heavier and heavier and he was sneakier and sneakier about it. He started to lie to me to cover up for it and that is when everything really started to break inside of me. My trust was leaving and in turn, I started to shut down. If he lied about that, what else could he lie about? What else HAD he lied about? I knew our relationship couldn't function without trust and he was destroying it. It was awful to watch our relationship unravel so quickly. I'd beg him, argue with him and threaten him about drinking and driving. He'd promise me it would never happen again, but it did. Over and over and over again. Why? I know why, but I dislike the answer. I told him that if he did it again, it was over. And, he did it. And, it was over. And he didn't fight me. A few obligatory please don't do this, I can't live without you an I'll get help or twos, but in the end, he left. Gone, poof, like he never existed in my world.
I wanted so much more than this for both of us. I thought we were so much more than all of this. But, in the end, we weren't. And now, we're nothing. Like we never existed.
I'm just amazed that he has just let it go. I know I should be happy that he hasn't contacted me since the text on Saturday after he moved his things out, and in a way I am because I know it would be that much harder if I did hear from him, but ouch. Someone that couldn't live without me seems to be living without me just fine. It just hurts and I had to get that out. I know this is truly for the best, but it still makes me question whether this relationship was what I thought it was. Ugh.
Going from being completely a part of someone's every day life to having absolutely no contact at all in a matter of days feels so....odd. We knew every move the other was making, and now... just nothingness. Like the other never existed, like we weren't just sleeping in the same bed and sharing dinner together 2 weeks ago, living in the same house and sharing every aspect of our lives. It hurts so much to let myself think about it because when things were good, they were great. He wasn't a bad person, at least I don't think he was. He tried so very hard, but he just couldn't, or wouldn't, get help. We were so close, like the best of friends and we shared so many wonderful moments together. The words he chose when he asked me to marry him were beautiful, heartfelt and chosen from the heart. As much as he was capable as an alcoholic, I know he loved me. How he chose to pick leaving instead of getting help and making us work is so mindblowing. It hurts.
I know it's wrong and I shouldn't expect it, but I never thought he'd give up on us so easily. I thought he'd fight for us, and eventually, come to terms with the fact that his drinking had to stop so that he wouldn't lose everything. We had so much together. We did so much together. We had fun, we had each other.
Eventually, the drinking became heavier and heavier and he was sneakier and sneakier about it. He started to lie to me to cover up for it and that is when everything really started to break inside of me. My trust was leaving and in turn, I started to shut down. If he lied about that, what else could he lie about? What else HAD he lied about? I knew our relationship couldn't function without trust and he was destroying it. It was awful to watch our relationship unravel so quickly. I'd beg him, argue with him and threaten him about drinking and driving. He'd promise me it would never happen again, but it did. Over and over and over again. Why? I know why, but I dislike the answer. I told him that if he did it again, it was over. And, he did it. And, it was over. And he didn't fight me. A few obligatory please don't do this, I can't live without you an I'll get help or twos, but in the end, he left. Gone, poof, like he never existed in my world.
I wanted so much more than this for both of us. I thought we were so much more than all of this. But, in the end, we weren't. And now, we're nothing. Like we never existed.
I'm just amazed that he has just let it go. I know I should be happy that he hasn't contacted me since the text on Saturday after he moved his things out, and in a way I am because I know it would be that much harder if I did hear from him, but ouch. Someone that couldn't live without me seems to be living without me just fine. It just hurts and I had to get that out. I know this is truly for the best, but it still makes me question whether this relationship was what I thought it was. Ugh.
Last edited by FlippedRHalo; 12-09-2014 at 10:39 AM. Reason: grammer
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Numb is pretty normal right now--don't worry it will pass.
It is like the psyche's way of protecting us in acute stages.
He has his own version of emotional numbing which is alcohol.
He may be drinking his pain away so please don't take it personally or assume you never mattered. I bet that isn't the case at all.
Alcoholics hurt like the rest of us, but they stuff with booze what healthy people
engage and feel despite the immediate pain. That's what I was doing when I drank.
You will get through this and heal, and hopefully down the road he will decide to do something about his addiction.
That will be up to him, and you were very wise to step away and not put your life on hold while he was busy drinking his away.
Hugs
It is like the psyche's way of protecting us in acute stages.
He has his own version of emotional numbing which is alcohol.
He may be drinking his pain away so please don't take it personally or assume you never mattered. I bet that isn't the case at all.
Alcoholics hurt like the rest of us, but they stuff with booze what healthy people
engage and feel despite the immediate pain. That's what I was doing when I drank.
You will get through this and heal, and hopefully down the road he will decide to do something about his addiction.
That will be up to him, and you were very wise to step away and not put your life on hold while he was busy drinking his away.
Hugs
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Oddly enough, at 3:30 he sent a text asking about a bill that I already gave to him, so I know he has it. I haven't responded. Unsure why he doesn't realize he already has it.
Thanks Redheadsusie, I'm sorry you're going through this too. It seems extra cruel around the holidays.
Hawkeye, thank you. I can't imagine that I didn't matter, but it's so hard to come to terms with the fact that he'd rather put us both through this and let what we had end instead of getting himself the help that he so desperately needs. It wasn't even just our relationship, it's was also his health that was being severely affected. Not to mention the drinking and driving that could potentially kill him or another innocent person. I just don't see how he doesn't see how wrong it all is and want better for himself.
This is such a cruel, horrible disease and I hate it with all of my being.
Thanks Redheadsusie, I'm sorry you're going through this too. It seems extra cruel around the holidays.
Hawkeye, thank you. I can't imagine that I didn't matter, but it's so hard to come to terms with the fact that he'd rather put us both through this and let what we had end instead of getting himself the help that he so desperately needs. It wasn't even just our relationship, it's was also his health that was being severely affected. Not to mention the drinking and driving that could potentially kill him or another innocent person. I just don't see how he doesn't see how wrong it all is and want better for himself.
This is such a cruel, horrible disease and I hate it with all of my being.
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This relationship may have been the best he could do, but that doesn't mean it was enough. And alcoholism is a progressive disease, as you have seen, so, unless he truly commits to recovery and gets sustained help, he will only get worse.
There is great grief in that. For me, after 20 years with my now ex husband, I found/find it difficult to give up the good times, and most of all, to give up what I thought our potential was together.
But he has the right to choose how he wants to live, and alcoholism is a demanding mistress. So he chose her. His right, his choice.
It isn't necessarily a choice AGAINST you. It is more a choice FOR his addiction.
After two and a half years away from my now XH, I am free. I am free to be who I want, and free to do the work to learn who that is.
There is a much healthier happier relationship waiting out there for you. The grief will come and go, and he may come and go also. But you have chosen for yourself, and that is all any of us can do. From my point of view, having stayed in a bad marriage that continued to deteriorate and became more and more abusive, you'd ducked quite a big bullet and have the rest of your life to find someone whole.
So hang in there, cry when you need to, find as supportive an environment for yourself as you possibly can, and when you feel ready, try to sort out why you chose living an alcoholic. For me, it reverberated into past relationships, including my family of origin, and the more I look at that, the freer I become.
We're all here for you, whenever you want.
ShootingStar1
There is great grief in that. For me, after 20 years with my now ex husband, I found/find it difficult to give up the good times, and most of all, to give up what I thought our potential was together.
But he has the right to choose how he wants to live, and alcoholism is a demanding mistress. So he chose her. His right, his choice.
It isn't necessarily a choice AGAINST you. It is more a choice FOR his addiction.
After two and a half years away from my now XH, I am free. I am free to be who I want, and free to do the work to learn who that is.
There is a much healthier happier relationship waiting out there for you. The grief will come and go, and he may come and go also. But you have chosen for yourself, and that is all any of us can do. From my point of view, having stayed in a bad marriage that continued to deteriorate and became more and more abusive, you'd ducked quite a big bullet and have the rest of your life to find someone whole.
So hang in there, cry when you need to, find as supportive an environment for yourself as you possibly can, and when you feel ready, try to sort out why you chose living an alcoholic. For me, it reverberated into past relationships, including my family of origin, and the more I look at that, the freer I become.
We're all here for you, whenever you want.
ShootingStar1
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I know how you're feeling--when I left my second husband, he had gone back to drinking after almost dying of it. He, too, was a lovely, sweet person in many ways, but he became a shell of a person in his disease. It's both sad and a blessing to know nothing we could have done would have made any difference.
It isn't like he sat down with a balance sheet, added up you and added up the booze and found the booze "better"--for an alcoholic it's like asking them not to breathe or eat or sleep. It's just as necessary, from their point of view.
There's no way through the pain but through it. But it WILL get better. Promise.
It isn't like he sat down with a balance sheet, added up you and added up the booze and found the booze "better"--for an alcoholic it's like asking them not to breathe or eat or sleep. It's just as necessary, from their point of view.
There's no way through the pain but through it. But it WILL get better. Promise.
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I truly hope each of you know how comforting your words are and how much those words are helping me through this. I'm really starting to realize that he didn't 'leave' me for alcohol. He really had no choice. I've watched him struggle with trying not to drink, and I've watched how upset, disgusted and broken he was every time he failed. He honestly can not live without it and I think he realized that a lot sooner than I did. It still hurts tremendously, but knowing that he's nowhere near ready to get help, I knew I had to get out before I went down with him. I was starting to. I was watching myself change drastically as a person and allowing him to get away with things I'd never allow any other person to get away with. Having a young daughter, and remembering the pain that I suffered growing up with 2 alcoholic parents, I KNEW I couldn't do that to her. My one shot at childhood was ruined, there was no way I was about to let that happen to her too. Thankfully she never saw anything except the good parts, but I'm sure it was only a matter of time before before the bad started making its way into her life like it was ours.
Thank you all, so very, very much. Along with the hurt, I also feel peace and that is worth it. I know the pain will end....I hope the peaceful feeling that I sometimes get to enjoy doesn't.
Thank you all, so very, very much. Along with the hurt, I also feel peace and that is worth it. I know the pain will end....I hope the peaceful feeling that I sometimes get to enjoy doesn't.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
That's it, exactly. You can throw him a life preserver (and you did), but if you jump out of the lifeboat and try to grab him you'll both go down. There's no nobility in that. Just two lives lost, wasted, instead of one.
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