Wisconsin

This this this. So much this. Thanks, again, Lillamy for yet another perfect crystallization of what this journey is like for so many of us.

My AH was sober and in recovery when we started dating and got married. I had zero context for addiction, and very, very naively did not educate myself about addiction or alcoholism. We are now six years into our relationship, five years into our marriage, and 4.5 years into his relapse. When I think about the complete crap I put up with (and enabled), it's like I'm looking at someone else's life. Everyone gets to that point in their own time, in their own way. Just like nobody can love someone else into recovery, nobody can love YOU into anything. We all make the best decisions we can, with the emotional tools that are available to us at the time. When we know better, we do better.

meggem

I was a little taken back when I first started posting here. I wasn't nearly as chipper as you sound (I mean that as a compliment) I used to have your optimism, that was just me by nature - by the time I got here I was so beaten down I didn't know which end was up. I miss the place you are in, sort of. You sound so innocent and caring.

I think I asked the same thing - I wanted to hear about success stories - I searched and searched and searched and I couldn't find very much. When I got here "full time" a year ago, I had already been through the ringer. Mine went to rehab and I knew it was sink or swim time and I wanted someone to tell me it was possible.

They didn't. They were nice, but I got about as much confirmation as you did. It put me off. I thought they were bitter or something, yet there was truth and love in their words, I think I knew better than to turn away even though it hurt to read. I figured this forum was for a group of people it didn't work out for - not for me.

My situation couldn't possibly be like stories I was reading here anyway- I mean, I'm different - my A is different, he isn't the "typical" alcoholic. He has a thinking problem and has resentment towards his parents for some things and you know, he had been through a lot in his life - and me being a caring and patient person certainly would not abandon him, he was working on it, really trying. I mean you can't just walk out when someone is struggling. Especially when they admit they have a problem. He was in counseling for goodness sake – what “man” goes to counseling?? Willingly??? He was my hero. And I would do anything for him.

MY situation was just different.

When he apologized for whatever craziness/destruction/violence/whatever he had caused he always told me how I was his best friend and he owed me so much. I am so beautiful. I am the "whole package" - I was the best thing that ever happened to him. That the pain he has caused me is just unbearable to him. It keeps him up at night and that is also why he drinks - he just wants to block it out. He did not understand why he was so depressed all the time, he had a beautiful wife, a beautiful home, 2 beautiful girls, he had no idea what was wrong with him.

I told him it was over in June - moved out in July and was granted an 18 month PFA in September, of this year.

It got worse. I remember 7 years ago, the horror I felt when we argued and he called me a b*tch. Or told me to F-off. Horrified.

Then I remember being HORRIFIED that he broke something in the house.

It is exactly what lill said, it was so gradual it was hard to notice. He gradually outdid himself and he started to say "Yea, but it’s been a looong time since I did/said that"

I was like WTF are you proud of yourself because it's been what 3 weeks since you overturned a piece of furniture --what has my life become???

He had spit on me, terrorized me, hid beer around the house, hit me, kicked me, broke things punched walls, etc. Called me EVERY name in the book – and that is the short list.


I don't respond to posts very much because I'm too new here. But I like to pay it forward and if I do have something to offer I always say "I'm a newbie...but... here is my two cents"

Well I can answer this for sure. I really do hope you can be a success story. I wanted to be one. But I was tired of crying every night and losing faith and all of the other things you are describing – Why would you want that? You don’t have to cry at night – you don’t have to buck up.

But you have to do what you feel is right. You have to feel ready. Only you can decide when enough is enough. That is for sure.

Do you know what my payback is for my steadfast loyalty and devotion? Hate and blame from him and a million broken pieces that I have yet to put back together. I wasn’t special. And neither are you.

Alcoholism has by far destroyed me in ways that I don’t think anything else can. I will never be the same again. Ever. And I liked who I was. I can only hope the new me will better than ever. I start counseling Thursday.

If things work out for you, please come back and tell us. If they don’t – remember to pay it forward when a new person comes on here asking if there can be a happy ending.

hopeful4

Bravo post megge!

SparkleKitty

Meggem, that was just wonderful. Good on ya.

FireSprite

Wow meg, that was incredible! Great post!!

NWGRITS

None of what you post is healthy, and that's what concerns me. Not that your life is any of my business, but you're the poster child for codependency and unhealthy relationships. You've gotten great, honest responses here. I'll just leave you with this: buckle up, sweetheart. You're about to take a ride through hell. The good news, though, is that you can make the choice to get off any time you like.

gleefan

Wow, what a wonderful thread, full of experience, strength and hope.

I am in recovery for alcoholism, with a little over 7 months of sobriety, and my husband still drinks. When I got sober, I thought my life was good, and that it would be the same, only better. Boy was I in for a surprise; like so many people here, the only thing that changed was everything.

Working a program is keeping me sober - and is overhauling my life. Instead of focusing on my relationship with my husband, I focused on myself. I never expected to become discouraged about my husband's drinking, gain weight, ditch old friends, or change careers. But here I am, seven short months into this journey, starting to feel feel joy and peace that I've only dreamed was possible, by making a life that fits me instead of trying to squeeze myself into a life.

Bullfrog

Meggem, I need to print that out for my fridge!

Sungrl

Meg,

Thank you. You have put into words, exactly what I have felt.

I am not very good at that. What you said was perfect.

And Dreamer I do wish you luck. At the very least learn all you can about the disease and please don't stop coming here. Mine was not a success story like I had once hoped
but I come here every day and read just to try and help and remember how far I have come.

Thumper

My relationship started out much the same way. I did stay. I stayed at two years, I got married at 5 years, I had children. Not every day was horrible. There are tons of good memories in those 16 years but they are floating on a sea of alcoholism and associated dysfunction. I stayed until I finally stopped trying to save him and started saving myself. That was 16 years later and I was really lost. I had hit bottom. No one could save him but him - and no one was going to save me but me and I finally decided to do it.

If only I could go back and tell myself, two years in, to let him go - even though I doubt I would have listened.

Children changed everything. Things were more complicated. I changed. Things mattered more. I needed a partner and instead I had someone that made things much more difficult. I could no longer detach in the same ways. My choices became more complex - and I became very 'sick' myself trying to work my way through it. It matters what my children witness and who they emulate. It shapes their little minds and personalities.

I try not to give straight up advice but really - do not have children with an active alcoholic.

What have I lost over the years? I sacrificed my chances of having the healthy family I dreamed of. I replaced it with an alcoholic family. That is on me and a choice I made. But my children? There is no going back. No undoing. No changing their childhoods and their reality. Their legacy is one of addiction and abandonment and I chose it as much as he did - maybe even more so.

lillamy

This hits me straight in the heart, Thumper, because it's true for me, too. Forgiving myself for the choices I made is my main struggle now. That, and paying for the psychiatrists, therapists, inpatient mental health treatments, and medication that my children require as a direct result of growing up in an alcoholic family.

Santa

This cannot be stated enough, especially if - as you may learn much, much later (when it is too late) - there may be coexisting mental illness, which is extremely common in alcoholics. It's why many of them use alcohol to self medicate.

My son is dealing with the really poor gene pool that I dove into. XAH is ACOA. Beyond the abandonment and the lack of a father-son relationship that my son experienced from babyhood onward while AH was drinking, XAH has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Bipolar has a proven strong familial component, and my son's struggles with depression and inexplicable mood changes now make more sense.

The alcoholic spouse is the "gift" that keeps on giving. Your innocent, yet to be born children have NO say in the matter. I try not to think of what might have happened if I had had children with someone other than XAH. I can't get through this otherwise.

lillamy

Ain't that the truth.

Florence

Agreed. This is what I still struggle with.

mejo

This is true. I am still with my AH. But, I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I think the difference here is this.

1) you are not married to him
2) you do not have kids with him
3) you are not financially tied to him
4) you sound like you have lack of experience with addiction

Listen, I think when it comes to staying or leaving most of us have one of the 4 to contend with and this is why you have heard "run, don't walk, RUN!" We have been right where you are. Are there happy endings? No. Not really. Just endings whether we stay or leave. Addiction sucks and so does recovery. Addiction is selfish and so is TRUE recovery. You can find many stories on here of endings even while A was in recovery. You will find very few stories on here of happy ever after because just because someone is sober, it does not mean it will stay that way. I challenge you to slide on over to the substance abuse forum. You can find many many addicts in recovery and their marriage still sucks.

It is what it is. We don't sugar coat anything 'round here. It hurts, true....but we are trying to save you from years of counseling and a long road of pain and heartache. We can relate. Fantasy thinking got us where we are today. We want to help others out of fantasy before its too late.

NWGRITS

I'm reminded every time I go to therapy that I single-handedly cover half of my shrink's payment on his Lexus each month. Being an adult child of an alcoholic is expensive if you choose the recovery route. Dreamer, it can't be repeated enough: do NOT have children with this man. Children are innocent and don't ask to be brought into abusive families- and that's exactly what you're doing when you bring them into a home with an active alcoholic. Just hop on over to the Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents board sometime. We'll be glad to tell you allllll about growing up in alcoholic families. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So, do not let this guy get you pregnant. Please.