TheDreamer

Hello everyone.

I posted here a while ago. Loooong time ago. I thought recovery was just around the corner for my boyfriend. Well, it kind of was. Kind of wasn't.

He was sober for a long time. Well, 4 months is a long time for our 2 year relationship. Anyways, things were going amazing. Seriously. Amazing. He did lose his job though, but it had nothing to do with the drinking or past drinking. He was kind of happy about it since he hated it there haha.

Anyways. He just got a new job. An AMAZING job. Something we both had been hoping for him. The thing is, he moved away. Two states away. We talked about how his addiction could come up and the drinking would continue. He said he could do it, that things would be okay.

This is getting long so I'll cut it down: he drank. For the month that he's been there he's drank 3 out of the 4 weekends. It is...heartbreaking. I am literally at my emotional bottom. I love him. I love him with everything in me. But after last week I wanted to just give up. I wanted to walk away and never look back.

Well, when he sobered up and we talked...and I realized I'm not ready to leave him. Because leaving him means giving up. And giving up on him means that I would be doing the same thing he's doing to himself - giving up. I don't care about the nights I cry myself to sleep. Because while those nights are HORRIBLE, now knowing how he is, not having him in my life, not helping him through this time of real need when he's all alone at his new home with no one to turn to...that's such ********.

I've decided to stay. The distance actually makes it easier. When he lived in my area I would drop everything to go to him and help him clean up and help him get back together. But now, now that he's far away, I just have texting to rely on and other forms of communication. It helps put a little distance in the situation. And I'm using it to my advantage.

The reason for my post: who else has stayed? I hear stories about women/men leaving and that's that. But I want - I NEED - a story about a person staying. I've only read one before - not on this forum - and it was really an inspiration.

Anyways. Thank you. I hope to hear back soon from someone.

Stung

Well…I am currently with my husband who is in recovery but I don't really like the notion of "staying" or "going" as permanent. I really am taking the 'one day at a time' slogan to heart and I'm just doing the next right thing for my kids and myself. It makes sense for us to continue on with our marriage for right now because it's working right now and we're both working to improve ourselves and our marriage. On Wednesdays after RAH and I see our marriage counselor we go out for coffee and have a very short date while our sitter watches our sleeping kids. We're both so busy with life and work and recovery that we don't spend a lot of time together but the time that we are together is fun and enjoyable.

Whether you decide to stay in a relationship with your boyfriend or not is entirely up to you. Are you happy in your relationship? What are you getting from it?

allforcnm

My situation was a bit different Dreamer... my husband moved out during most of the timeframe he was using.. although it wasn't until he moved back in with My parents that he ended up getting professional help. Then he came home and we worked on our marriage... I stayed with our son.. he was only about 5 months old when his dad went to rehab, but now he is almost 3.. I have no regrets, and my husband has not went back to substances.

Even when a person wants to quit there can be many ups and downs before it happens...early recovery can also have its challenges although ours was actually fairly smooth compared to many of the stories I read here.

I worked with a therapist who specialized in addiction from his rehab, then we did marriage counseling, he worked with a therapist also... My therapist taught me to use the Community reinforcement method.. positive reinforcements, communication, and also self care for me. If you are not aware of this method called CRAFT then you can google it, or check out Smart recovery....Im a member there too.

I wish you both the best going forward

lillamy

I worry when I hear you say you're going to help him. That's what I thought - that I was strong enough to help my AXH stop drinking.

I hope your "helping" takes the form of going to Alanon for yourself and practicing a lot of self-care.

thiawinter

I asked my AH for a separation recently. My plan was to take it slow finding somewhere to move and work on my own recovery. He reached out for professional help on his own and now I'm reconsidering. I've always been open to reconciliation. But one of my boundaries is if he stops going to therapy then we will separate. I am also taking it a day at a time. We will see what happens.

TheDreamer

Thank you, all of you, for getting back to me.

As for my happiness: I am happy. Being with him is - honestly - perfection. Aside from the drinking, there is absolutely nothing I dislike about him. He is patient, he is kind, he puts my needs before his (except the drinking). See, the drinking stems from depression. He can get really bad. It stems from abandonment, and this psychological stress over abandonment.

What I'm getting out of it: everything. While I hate the fact that he binges, I genuinely haven't lost faith. I was close to it last week, but last week was also hard for me in my personal and educational life - so I wasn't mentally nor emotionally strong enough to handle it. I needed to take care of myself last week before I could make this decision to stay.

While I agree that sometimes taking it one day at a time is the right method, I'm one for commitment. I'm the type of person that needs to set myself in a direction and plunge ahead.

Self care...I only recently realized what that meant. I think I'm in my own form of recovery. I currently have a lot on my plate, and having these binge sessions coming from him was almost a breaking point. But I did step back and I enjoyed some amazing ice cream and nap time and I spent time with an amazing friend that knows my situation and was there as a little shoulder to lean on.

What I meant by "help," was just my support. My support and my love. I may cry because it's frustrating, but I know this isn't something you can "snap" away. It's going to take time, it'll take patience ( a LOT of it) and it'll take a lot of self care - as some pointed out - to handle this and walk by him.

I guess you can say is that I'm not going to walk away YET. So long as he tries and keeps fighting (because while it may not seem like he is based on my little post, he IS) and so long as he seeks help on his own and asks for help when it's needed...well, then I'll be there to support and encourage him.

Thank you for being amazing people. I've read so much on this forum. I've cried, I've laughed. I'm going to be part of this community more often now. Because reading these real life events, knowing that the type of pain I feel isn't alone... it helps.

I wish you all the best, too. I wish your days are brighter, your smiles wider. I really hope every avenue you all take works for you. I'm young to this. But I have seen the really bad parts of alcohol addiction due to my work environment. And it scares me. It genuinely terrifies me to think that he could be there. I think I'm his motivation to really get help. Well, not the only motivation. He's told me he doesn't want this life. That he doesn't deserve it and that he refuses to let it control him so much - the way it used to. I figure the day he stops saying that is the day he actually quits his journey to recovery.

Y'all are amazing. Absolutely amazing.

dandylion

Dear Dreamer....if you want to stay..by all means do so.

Please do not delude yourself that he needs you to get sober.
He has AA and his sponsor as well as his therapist to help him with that.
getting sober is about the internal changes that only he can make. It has nothing to do with you. As a matter of fact...any enabling can keep him from his bottom by making him too comfortable. He does have others to turn to.

It feels good to the ego to fill the role of nourishing "earth Mother" and "saving" him. It gives rise to the fantasy that he would be so grateful and consider you so valuable that he would never leave you and give you a place of prominence in his life. Everlasting security. (this is a common fantasy that most all of us have had).

It turns out that this is not the way alcoholics tend to operate. Just read the many, many stories, here....where the heartbroken say "how could he do this to me after all that I have done for him--after I STOOD by him!"

Of course, it is your free choice to stay with him, but I just felt obligated to give you a realistic picture of what could happen. Full disclosure, so to speak.

I wish you the best....

dandylion

TheDreamer

Hmm... I'm not staying for that reason. I've decided to stand by him because if I walked away, I would hate myself. Call it a selfish thing, but it is what it is.

I just try to put myself in his shoes: if I were to be the one that had this illness/addiction, would I want to be alone in this?

You say he has people to turn to, but the truth of the matter: he doesn't. He actually doesn't. He's a straight introvert. His family isn't supportive in his recovery (they're alcoholics too). His friends think it's a "phase." His brother thinks he's weak...So while a lot of you seem to think that what I'm doing is hurting myself or that I'm trying to be some sort of messiah: I'm not. I'm doing this and I'm staying by his side in this because the idea of walking away when he needs a support system to keep him going literally makes me sick to my stomach.

But thank you for your intake. Again, I'm not the type to ask "Why is he doing this to me?" I'm more the type to ask "Why is he doing it to himself?" I have love for myself, so I'm not worried about my self-worth dwindling down or my self-care to just vanish. I'm not enabling him because I'm not there when he's drunk - meaning I don't talk to him. I disconnect myself. When he's sober, I ask simple questions, I let him reflect on what happened...I'm there to listen when he needs it and there to support him when he's feeling weak.

AnvilheadII

so in the two years you've been together....he amassed four months of sobriety....once. he had a job, lost a job. then took a new job...two STATES away from you. and said he'd be just fine. and is now drinking all the time, again.

so nothing has changed, except he's farther away. and now.....you text.

so you went from having someone in your life fulltime, so someone who is out of reach except for the letters that appear on the smartphone screen. or phone calls.

he wasn't so helpless as to make a career choice to take this new job.
he wasn't so helpless as to relocate to a new state.
he isn't helpless. he's doing his life as he sees fit. he's still giving you a long distance bf who drinks, a lot.

PinkCloudsCharley

I am staying. For now. Ah and I are seeing an addictions/marriage counsellor. This morning he told his sister and her husband that he drinks and that he does it so he doesn't have to deal with his emotions. That was a huge step, this honesty, because his drinking was always such a secret for him - and us. A step that tells me he's trying. Will he try again tomorrow? Dunno. As long as he is trying, I will support him. Not rescue him, not clean up after him, not fix him, but support him. He's got a lot of work ahead and so do I, on myself. So for the time being, I am staying.

TheDreamer

Maybe I picked the wrong place to share my story and my hope and my commitment. Seems like a lot of people are throwing the whole, "Wow. I mean, it's your decision to stay or not...but let me just say something to start ripping at your newfound hope....and good luck."

We all have our breaking points. I haven't reached mine YET. So maybe instead of listing things that I'm already aware of, just be cool and give actual input that might actually relate to what I was asking. I wasn't asking for advice. I was asking for stories and for how people have survived through it.

But thanks.

atalose

I don't believe the idea of true love and happiness is to survive through someone's active addiction and live happily ever after. Life just doesn't work that way.

Children had to "survive" parents alcoholism because they had NO OTHER CHOICES but adults do.

The couples that I know who are still together, making relationships work are BOTN committed to recovery and sobriety has been apart of their lives for a great number of years.

ResignedToWait

That's the biggest problem, Dreamer. Trust me, no one here has anything but your best interests at heart when they post...but for every 1 story here about someone that successfully stayed and lived happily ever after, there are 50 others with a not-so-happy ending.

This forum has experience...and sometimes the advice it gives isn't what you'd want to hear. But...it will still stand by you and support you no matter what you choose!

Sikofit

Okay--I've stayed. We've been married for 26 years this December. He was sober for about 8 of them. You can get more details from my prior posts.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I have a 25 yr old daughter. And I can tell you with NO hesitation that if she came to me with this same question, I'd tell her to run away so quickly and completely that it wouldn't be funny.

But you know what--she'd never ask this. Because, see--she had to grow up with an alcoholic. And she and her brother heard and saw things that make me cringe to this day. Yes--they're both adults now; yes, both college grads and on their own. But I wonder sometimes--how much MORE could they have been if they hadn't had the specter of alcoholism hanging over them? There were some bad years...and some residual things that linger today. She's gotten counseling--my son has always been in denial about any problems it caused long-term.

It really makes me sad to hear you say, "I don't mind the nights I've cried myself to sleep." WHY would you want that for yourself--when you know that the alcohol is the ONE thing causing your unhappiness??? Because if EVERYTHING else about this guy is perfect, it must be the booze, right?

Let me tell you-- he will choose that booze every time, without being able to take your feelings into account.

Yes, I stayed with my AH. But there are a LOT of lonely nights. Even when he's just "kind of drunk," he passes out before I'd like. Then there is the embarrassment of being out and having others see how he acts--and hoping they don't know this is an almost every night occurrence. Then there's just the plain hopeless feeling that your feelings don't mean squat to him.

I stayed because I'm lazy--I don't want to make the hard changes that I'd have to make in my life at this point. Will that change someday? Maybe. Do I wish I'd have changed it a long, long time ago? I really do.

I wish I'd have believed that I was worth more than this. I wish I'd have given my DD a chance to grow up without the threat of an alcoholic rant every weekend. I wish my DS hadn't been called some horrible names.

Yes, you're getting hurt because people are saying things contrary to what you want to hear. I get it. I still don't like them all telling me things I don't want to hear, LOL! But you know what? As someone who's been there, done that, still here, still doing that, I feel qualified to say--you will never know the pain you experience when you stay in an alcoholic or addicted relationship. It will steal your soul and make you think you are crazy. You will not come out the same, upbeat girl you are today.

I hope this helps you in some way.

maia1234

Been there done that. 34 years I supported him and "helped" him.. waisted 3/4 of my life for him to see the light, didn't happen for me.

ALCOHOLISM is progressive.

I'm sorry I can't give you a feel good story about loving my ah to get sober. It doesn't happen and I am sorry that you don't like our "stories". Maybe you will be blessed and your SO will get sober again. We wish you peace in your life. Majority of us here also stayed, as long as we could take it. Then we got out and ran.

We just want you to know what happened to us. I wish you happiness and always know you can come back here for support

ladyscribbler

I survived by putting my needs second, by living with utter disregard for my own safety, by living on the fantasy of "hope", always thinking that this latest negative consequence would be the thing that got him sober, that he would see how much he was hurting me and decide to stop. I survived by enduring mental, emotional and physical abuse.
I survived by sticking my head in the sand and telling myself that I was being loving and altruistic, that he NEEDED me and that I couldn't abandon him because that would make me a bad person.
I survived by getting strong enough to finally put myself first. I survived by finally leaving him to battle his disease alone, because I never had the power to help him or support him. That was never anything but an illusion.

guava

Wow-I think Sikofit said it in a much better way than I will but here's my take...

In my short time at SR, I've found the community to be extremely open, honest and most of all caring. When they see a person that reminds them of themselves a few years back they want to do anything to save that person the pain they endured. All of this "advice" is really coming from a good place with the best intentions.

Just to protect yourself, why not set a boundary or two? Something you feel would be so hurtful or unforgivable that you'd have to move on. If he never crosses that, great! Maybe you made the right decision to hang in there. But if he does cross that boundary, you'll be able look back and see how far the disease progressed, know you didn't just "give up on him," and have a clear conscience to move on.

I really hope your bf realizes he has a problem and seeks treatment and I hope you find the happiness you are looking for.

Bullfrog

I see red flags whenever I hear anyone describe a relationship as "perfection." Sober or not, there is no such thing.

I believe that when many of us are with an addict or abuser, we try to build up the sober/non-abusive times to a picture perfect level that doesn't really exist-- mostly to justify our reasons for putting up with the horrid stuff.

If you want to stay, stay. I just worry that you might not be looking at the relationship realistically.

FWIW: I stayed and stayed and stayed. Then I left.

mischa1

I just posted titled my heart is stupid. Give it a read. I went back. Lasted two weeks and I have bruises this time. I'm leaving and I'm dying inside. I love this man so much. Bruises. What's next? What's next for you?

Do what's right for you but I never had bruises before. And I still want to go back. Crazy Hun? The longer you stay the more you get sucked in the harder it is to leave. Use this time away to really think and then get out and have a life of your own to see how that feels. No need for any hook ups or anything like that. Ever wanted to make pottery? Go take a class. Do something for you bc if you stay it's unlikely you will have this chance again. Not every story has a sad ending but most do. Be cautious and use your brain. Your heart is stupid. Think this through.

Needabreak

Yeah, maybe we're not the right crowd for you to get the responses that you want to hear. All I can say is buckle up, you're in for one hell of a ride.