My relationship started out much the same way. I did stay. I stayed at two years, I got married at 5 years, I had children. Not every day was horrible. There are tons of good memories in those 16 years but they are floating on a sea of alcoholism and associated dysfunction. I stayed until I finally stopped trying to save him and started saving myself. That was 16 years later and I was really lost. I had hit bottom. No one could save him but him - and no one was going to save me but me and I finally decided to do it.
If only I could go back and tell myself, two years in, to let him go - even though I doubt I would have listened.
Children changed everything. Things were more complicated. I changed. Things mattered more. I needed a partner and instead I had someone that made things much more difficult. I could no longer detach in the same ways. My choices became more complex - and I became very 'sick' myself trying to work my way through it. It matters what my children witness and who they emulate. It shapes their little minds and personalities.
I try not to give straight up advice but really - do not have children with an active alcoholic.
What have I lost over the years? I sacrificed my chances of having the healthy family I dreamed of. I replaced it with an alcoholic family. That is on me and a choice I made. But my children? There is no going back. No undoing. No changing their childhoods and their reality. Their legacy is one of addiction and abandonment and I chose it as much as he did - maybe even more so.
