I'm going to stay.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think I can relate on one point. I also could not leave until I felt I had exhausted all the options. I had to stay until I knew in my heart of hearts that there was nothing left I could do.
And that what I tell people when they ask: you shouldn't leave until you feel that you are ready to. But whether you stay or leave, getting educated about what alcoholism is and what you can expect is helpful.
And that what I tell people when they ask: you shouldn't leave until you feel that you are ready to. But whether you stay or leave, getting educated about what alcoholism is and what you can expect is helpful.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Far above my co-dependent rock bottom.
Posts: 50
This is the thing:
Addiction is a brain disease, malfunction, whatever you want to call it, that seriously affects a person's ability to love.
Some people recover, that's true, but it does take years, and in those years their loved ones do suffer.
Especially the ones that started out thinking they could do something to help the addict (i.e. nearly all of us).
I also did not in a million years expect to suffer like I have in the last 6 years of my life. (unless I was run over by a truck or something).
It seems that even tho each addict is obviously a different person, they ALL make life very very hard for the people that love them.
But it didn't happen in one day, it kind of escalated in a way that I was never aware of it, and I, the loving bystander got...truly sick and sicker as time went by. It sounds melodramatic, but that was my experience!
For me, the silver lining has been that I FINALLY learned to trust myself and to take care of myself. Something had to give!
Addiction is a brain disease, malfunction, whatever you want to call it, that seriously affects a person's ability to love.
Some people recover, that's true, but it does take years, and in those years their loved ones do suffer.
Especially the ones that started out thinking they could do something to help the addict (i.e. nearly all of us).
I also did not in a million years expect to suffer like I have in the last 6 years of my life. (unless I was run over by a truck or something).
It seems that even tho each addict is obviously a different person, they ALL make life very very hard for the people that love them.
But it didn't happen in one day, it kind of escalated in a way that I was never aware of it, and I, the loving bystander got...truly sick and sicker as time went by. It sounds melodramatic, but that was my experience!
For me, the silver lining has been that I FINALLY learned to trust myself and to take care of myself. Something had to give!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
I think the biggest thing that has helped me find my serenity and inner peace with it all was actually consciously choosing to stay thus far with my AH (is not actively seeking sobriety). I actually went into working on me as a solid plan to get to a point where I could leave my AH, what I discovered in my own recovery was that leaving was not what I really needed or felt was right for me (yet, one never knows with alcoholism). It has freed my mind up to keep my focus on me and my own healing and understanding. From it I have been able to work through resentments, anger, sadness,and forgiveness (not just for him, most importantly for myself). I think it's quite difficult to describe exactly what it is that keeps me wanting to stay, as we certainly do not have a partnership type of relationship, more akin to roommates. I have some core boundaries that protect me from feeling used and abused by those common alcoholic behaviors he displays. What I've gotten out of it thus far is such a deeper sense of love, being open to it with no expectations of having it returned (my friendships have gotten deeper, as well as my relationship with my family-the walls are gone now,and phew,I never knew how good it would feel for those to be torn down). This is all some new stuff to me, and I'm 52. What I've found in this is that both my AH and I share a very core bond of childhood wounds. I have great compassion for him, tempered with even more compassion for myself now. I use a combination of Al-Anon and CRAFT techniques to help maintain my recovery from co dependence as well as to keep me in check as to his alcoholism (staying out of his path to self destruction so that he at least has the opportunity to face all consequences of his choices).
As for any advice, I'd say you may want to explore why other's advice contrary to what you chose to do feels unsupportive. Is it because no one understands your situation, OR because you are not yet firm in your own decision? Listen, I get it, what I came to understand for myself here is how powerfully healing and how incredibly good listening to people here (these people are/have been in the trenches have have some awesome insights and powerful tools to pass on,these are the souls you need to connect with to avoid ever feeling alone in it, they know). Take what YOU need, leave the rest...but first listen, think beyond how it may trigger your reaction, just listen, consider, make your decisions on what YOU feel is right for you at any given time but do so with as much knowledge and differing perspectives as possible...that is where some real growth and understanding will come from..making the decisions with real knowledge instead of dreams and hopes.
As for any advice, I'd say you may want to explore why other's advice contrary to what you chose to do feels unsupportive. Is it because no one understands your situation, OR because you are not yet firm in your own decision? Listen, I get it, what I came to understand for myself here is how powerfully healing and how incredibly good listening to people here (these people are/have been in the trenches have have some awesome insights and powerful tools to pass on,these are the souls you need to connect with to avoid ever feeling alone in it, they know). Take what YOU need, leave the rest...but first listen, think beyond how it may trigger your reaction, just listen, consider, make your decisions on what YOU feel is right for you at any given time but do so with as much knowledge and differing perspectives as possible...that is where some real growth and understanding will come from..making the decisions with real knowledge instead of dreams and hopes.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I stayed and supported and helped until I couldn't take it anymore. If you'd asked me at the time, I would not have recognized my black and white thinking, or how my behavior was pretty condescending and enabling, I would not have seen how my behavior kept his addiction alive, and how some of his habits were really unacceptable relationship behavior and that I deserved more. The thing about taking on the helping mother role is that eventually kids resent their parents. And he's not a kid, and you're not his mom. You can't mother or support someone out of an addiction -- that's just not how addiction works.
You say he's perfect, EXCEPT for the drinking. But he's a fully integrated man, and you can't surgically remove the alcoholism and keep what's left. This is part and parcel of a relationship with him. You can't talk him out of it, or control his environment to keep him behaving in a way that's acceptable to you.
There's a lot of experience here. You don't need our validation to do whatever you want to do. But we do often feel obligated to point out the thinking problems that keep people from seeing the alcoholism for what it is. Most people don't voluntarily hitch their wagons to lame horses -- and yet the folks that post here have done so! Why? What the heck?! That's what we explore here. We live to tell the tales. Hang out, get educated on this disease, and strongly consider counseling and or Al-Anon. Keep posting.
You say he's perfect, EXCEPT for the drinking. But he's a fully integrated man, and you can't surgically remove the alcoholism and keep what's left. This is part and parcel of a relationship with him. You can't talk him out of it, or control his environment to keep him behaving in a way that's acceptable to you.
There's a lot of experience here. You don't need our validation to do whatever you want to do. But we do often feel obligated to point out the thinking problems that keep people from seeing the alcoholism for what it is. Most people don't voluntarily hitch their wagons to lame horses -- and yet the folks that post here have done so! Why? What the heck?! That's what we explore here. We live to tell the tales. Hang out, get educated on this disease, and strongly consider counseling and or Al-Anon. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by TheDreamer 
Because leaving him means giving up. And giving up on him means that I would be doing the same thing he's doing to himself - giving up.
The reason for my post: who else has stayed? I hear stories about women/men leaving and that's that. But I want - I NEED - a story about a person staying. I've only read one before - not on this forum - and it was really an inspiration.
Anyways. Thank you. I hope to hear back soon from someone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Kam7189, I just read the two threads that you started, and I didn't see a single person tell you that you should leave. The only reference to leaving was from YOU, and from one other person who said you should think twice before making such a big decision.
"When you say you love your A but are almost at the point of throwing in the towel, I want to say 2 things: First, ALL of us here love(d) our A's. Love alone is not going to get him sober. If it could, this site would never have needed to exist. Second, when you say "throwing in the towel", I'm not sure if that means "leave him" or "give up trying to control him." If it's the former, by all means, take your time (as long as you aren't in danger) and get your own head on straight before making such a big decision. Only you will know when or if it's time for that. If it's the latter--well, then, the sooner you toss that towel out, the better!"
"When you say you love your A but are almost at the point of throwing in the towel, I want to say 2 things: First, ALL of us here love(d) our A's. Love alone is not going to get him sober. If it could, this site would never have needed to exist. Second, when you say "throwing in the towel", I'm not sure if that means "leave him" or "give up trying to control him." If it's the former, by all means, take your time (as long as you aren't in danger) and get your own head on straight before making such a big decision. Only you will know when or if it's time for that. If it's the latter--well, then, the sooner you toss that towel out, the better!"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 50
Two things that newcomers should consider (and you can call it advice if you want):
1) Most of the people who advise you to leave or at least to consider doing so spent years trying to stick it out and make the best of it while their spouses drank. Enabling, not enabling, denying, not denying...we now realize that life with someone drinking heavily was not a pleasant experience because your partner (even if not abusive, angry, violent, unemployable, etc.) is not truly there, in any sense. We did not leave immediately, but it's hard to blame us for wishing we did.
2) The reason there aren't many happy stories posted of people who stayed with a partner who is an addict/alcoholic when that person did not quit their DOC is because it's not a very happy life.
1) Most of the people who advise you to leave or at least to consider doing so spent years trying to stick it out and make the best of it while their spouses drank. Enabling, not enabling, denying, not denying...we now realize that life with someone drinking heavily was not a pleasant experience because your partner (even if not abusive, angry, violent, unemployable, etc.) is not truly there, in any sense. We did not leave immediately, but it's hard to blame us for wishing we did.
2) The reason there aren't many happy stories posted of people who stayed with a partner who is an addict/alcoholic when that person did not quit their DOC is because it's not a very happy life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Only YOU can decide to stay or go. No one can tell you what to do. Please don't procreate with this man. Putting children into the mix will complicate things in ways you don't even want to contemplate at this time.
I wish you both the best of luck. I hope you keep coming to SR or wherever you are comfortable to get support for yourself in all of this.
Good Luck and God Bless!
I wish you both the best of luck. I hope you keep coming to SR or wherever you are comfortable to get support for yourself in all of this.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I stayed for a while. It didn't work. He wasn't willing to change and I was sacrificing too much of myself being in that relationship. It only left me feeling sad and empty.Only you will know what is the right thing to do. No one can tell you to stay or go. You have to decide that.
The thing to ask yourself is what are you getting out of the relationship? You talk about helping him which is great, but how does he help you? What do you get from the relationship? Is he loving, supportive, honest, meeting your needs or is it more of one sided relationship where all of the focus is on you helping him? That is the way it was for me. I was "helping" him but getting nothing in return. He unfortunately is so wrapped up in his problems that there isn't anything left to give.
My advice is to set goals for the type of relationship you want. Remove yourself from the emotional part of it. What type of relationship would you want for a friend, your daughter one day, your mother. Strive to obtain that and don't sell yourself short. You deserve happiness and an awesome loving partner who gives mutually to the relationship. Hopefully you will have that.
The thing to ask yourself is what are you getting out of the relationship? You talk about helping him which is great, but how does he help you? What do you get from the relationship? Is he loving, supportive, honest, meeting your needs or is it more of one sided relationship where all of the focus is on you helping him? That is the way it was for me. I was "helping" him but getting nothing in return. He unfortunately is so wrapped up in his problems that there isn't anything left to give.
My advice is to set goals for the type of relationship you want. Remove yourself from the emotional part of it. What type of relationship would you want for a friend, your daughter one day, your mother. Strive to obtain that and don't sell yourself short. You deserve happiness and an awesome loving partner who gives mutually to the relationship. Hopefully you will have that.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I've stayed & I'm staying. It's been 3 years since my husband came out of his secret-drinking closet. And you know what?
It's HARD. Addiction is hard. Recovery from addiction is just as hard, if not harder in some aspects. Codependency is hard. Recovery from codependency is harder & sometimes feels damn near impossible, depending on the day.
I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to just give up & walk away but I CAN tell you that I have had more of those days since he quit drinking than I ever did during his active addiction days.
I think a lot of people (myself included, in the early days) think that just acknowledging the addiction is enough, that once someone recognizes the need for recovery things start improving automatically & that is the farthest thing from the truth.
My husband was sober for 2 years before having a brief, yet horrendous, 1-night relapse last year. That relapse showed me that even though he'd been dry all that time, he had never really WORKED his recovery fully & his underlying behaviors were largely unchanged. But WOW, did he walk a good walk & talk a good talk for those 2 years!
Thank God & Buddha & the Full Moon that I wasn't relying solely on him to address his recovery. Thank Jebus that I spent those 2 years learning about me & working on my own recovery & consciously changing the footprint I was leaving for my Daughter to follow, because THAT is what ultimately made the difference in the ways that matter. THAT is what increased my quality of life, THAT is what educated me about the psychology & physiology of addiction and codependency.
Love is simply not enough. You ARE making sacrifices whether you want to use that word or not. Yes, you can detach. Yes, you can keep a distance with him living in a separate state but what are you NOT out there finding, learning, living as a result? How long is it acceptable to go through that?
Only you can determine these answers but if you are only ever seeing it with blinders on, you aren't REALLY assessing the situation.... you're seeing the parts of it that you want & going from there.
Say & do whatever is comfortable for you, but please do yourself the favor of EDUCATING yourself about addiction.... how much do you really know? I was the child of an alcoholic & the number of addicts I have dealt with in various relationships in my life numbers well into the double digits - I've seen this in almost every possible scenario (with the exception of having a child who is an addict).... and yet, when it came to dealing with an alcoholic husband I found I had NO CLUE. NONE. ZERO. Everything I *thought* I knew I ended up throwing out the window & starting over.
This forum is AMAZING. The shared experiences & knowledge is 2nd to nothing else I have found, anywhere. I say this as a lifelong, card-carrying Codependent.
It's HARD. Addiction is hard. Recovery from addiction is just as hard, if not harder in some aspects. Codependency is hard. Recovery from codependency is harder & sometimes feels damn near impossible, depending on the day.
I cannot count the number of times I have wanted to just give up & walk away but I CAN tell you that I have had more of those days since he quit drinking than I ever did during his active addiction days.
I think a lot of people (myself included, in the early days) think that just acknowledging the addiction is enough, that once someone recognizes the need for recovery things start improving automatically & that is the farthest thing from the truth.
My husband was sober for 2 years before having a brief, yet horrendous, 1-night relapse last year. That relapse showed me that even though he'd been dry all that time, he had never really WORKED his recovery fully & his underlying behaviors were largely unchanged. But WOW, did he walk a good walk & talk a good talk for those 2 years!
Thank God & Buddha & the Full Moon that I wasn't relying solely on him to address his recovery. Thank Jebus that I spent those 2 years learning about me & working on my own recovery & consciously changing the footprint I was leaving for my Daughter to follow, because THAT is what ultimately made the difference in the ways that matter. THAT is what increased my quality of life, THAT is what educated me about the psychology & physiology of addiction and codependency.
Love is simply not enough. You ARE making sacrifices whether you want to use that word or not. Yes, you can detach. Yes, you can keep a distance with him living in a separate state but what are you NOT out there finding, learning, living as a result? How long is it acceptable to go through that?
Only you can determine these answers but if you are only ever seeing it with blinders on, you aren't REALLY assessing the situation.... you're seeing the parts of it that you want & going from there.
Say & do whatever is comfortable for you, but please do yourself the favor of EDUCATING yourself about addiction.... how much do you really know? I was the child of an alcoholic & the number of addicts I have dealt with in various relationships in my life numbers well into the double digits - I've seen this in almost every possible scenario (with the exception of having a child who is an addict).... and yet, when it came to dealing with an alcoholic husband I found I had NO CLUE. NONE. ZERO. Everything I *thought* I knew I ended up throwing out the window & starting over.
This forum is AMAZING. The shared experiences & knowledge is 2nd to nothing else I have found, anywhere. I say this as a lifelong, card-carrying Codependent.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: OREGON
Posts: 228
I for one, don't think it is anyone's business to stay or leave and I do not think that is what people here are trying to say. I think that on any given thread, we all post similarities to our story with the person posting. We are not trying to take over the thread but relate with sympathy and empathy and say, this is what I would do or this is what happened to me that is similar and this is how I handled it as it is best for me.
Each of us as a codie also has to hit our rock bottom. Perhaps you are not there yet.
I can tell you for me, I had not hit my rock bottom with it either. The supportive one. I always tried to come into it with the understanding... he had been hurt. He IS hurting. One thing in life I can't do well in life (amongst many other things obviously) is watching people hurt. God only knows why, but I have this soul and heart that wants to help people as much as I can. I would give someone my last dime if they could use it more than I could... it is just how I am wired I guess. So I was not ready to leave.... my A left me. Man, if that wasn't a blow to me. I am still having issues from it. My heart hurts.... but I work on doing better, getting better. I read. I get the support I need. I do what I need to keep moving forward.
One story I know of that someone that stayed.... My grandma Winnie. She wasn't my grandma really.... they were my older brother's grandparents, in which I thought were my grandparents as well until I was 18. (Long story that I will not bore you with but goes into the dysfunction of my life from the get go....) My grandpa Bill was an alcoholic. When we lived in the same little town as they did when I was very small. My grandma loved that man with all her heart. They were married over 60 years. What stands out to me is that my grandma worked very hard. She worked for the post office. My grandpa did not work by the time I can remember. He owned a butcher shop when I was very little. I do remember that, but once they no longer worked that... my grandpa never worked again. He would do odd jobs with his son (my brother's dad, and I still consider him *one* of my dads) who did work with scrap metal and logging, trucking. But my grandpa never worked again. They led two different lives. My grandma went to church three times a week, my grandpa never stepped foot in a church. My grandma would wake in the morning and drink coffee. My grandpa woke in the morning with one or two cups of coffee, and then it was beer for the rest of the day. They would eat dinner together every night, my grandpa cooked as my grandma sucked at cooking. Ha. He would putz around the house (they lived in a trailer with land and raised animals). He never worked. To be honest with you all of these memories are just now flooding my head as I post to you. Realizations perhaps.
Let me get to my thought.... as my head is now swimming in memories. My grandma loved him much, but they lead two separate lives. Seriously they did. What strikes me hard, is that my grandma ended up getting cancer or the bladder and went through treatments. He would go see her in the hospital but they were living with one of his children from another marriage when that happened, so his daughter took care of my grandma at the time. My grandpa was there but there was no way he could do such a task. My grandma survived. Years later, my grandpa died a horrible death. I am just now coming to the conclusion it was from his alcoholism. He was a kind man... a kind and drunk man. My grandma loved him to her death, but had to live a separate life. They did not do things together.... In later life they did a few things together... camping, fishing etc.... but they were doing it separately.... go together but he would wander off and do his thing and she would do hers.
In my life, I want to love a man that is there with me. Who has his own interests, but we are a family. I am not sure this is making sense. She stayed, but essentially was alone.
Each of us as a codie also has to hit our rock bottom. Perhaps you are not there yet.
I can tell you for me, I had not hit my rock bottom with it either. The supportive one. I always tried to come into it with the understanding... he had been hurt. He IS hurting. One thing in life I can't do well in life (amongst many other things obviously) is watching people hurt. God only knows why, but I have this soul and heart that wants to help people as much as I can. I would give someone my last dime if they could use it more than I could... it is just how I am wired I guess. So I was not ready to leave.... my A left me. Man, if that wasn't a blow to me. I am still having issues from it. My heart hurts.... but I work on doing better, getting better. I read. I get the support I need. I do what I need to keep moving forward.
One story I know of that someone that stayed.... My grandma Winnie. She wasn't my grandma really.... they were my older brother's grandparents, in which I thought were my grandparents as well until I was 18. (Long story that I will not bore you with but goes into the dysfunction of my life from the get go....) My grandpa Bill was an alcoholic. When we lived in the same little town as they did when I was very small. My grandma loved that man with all her heart. They were married over 60 years. What stands out to me is that my grandma worked very hard. She worked for the post office. My grandpa did not work by the time I can remember. He owned a butcher shop when I was very little. I do remember that, but once they no longer worked that... my grandpa never worked again. He would do odd jobs with his son (my brother's dad, and I still consider him *one* of my dads) who did work with scrap metal and logging, trucking. But my grandpa never worked again. They led two different lives. My grandma went to church three times a week, my grandpa never stepped foot in a church. My grandma would wake in the morning and drink coffee. My grandpa woke in the morning with one or two cups of coffee, and then it was beer for the rest of the day. They would eat dinner together every night, my grandpa cooked as my grandma sucked at cooking. Ha. He would putz around the house (they lived in a trailer with land and raised animals). He never worked. To be honest with you all of these memories are just now flooding my head as I post to you. Realizations perhaps.
Let me get to my thought.... as my head is now swimming in memories. My grandma loved him much, but they lead two separate lives. Seriously they did. What strikes me hard, is that my grandma ended up getting cancer or the bladder and went through treatments. He would go see her in the hospital but they were living with one of his children from another marriage when that happened, so his daughter took care of my grandma at the time. My grandpa was there but there was no way he could do such a task. My grandma survived. Years later, my grandpa died a horrible death. I am just now coming to the conclusion it was from his alcoholism. He was a kind man... a kind and drunk man. My grandma loved him to her death, but had to live a separate life. They did not do things together.... In later life they did a few things together... camping, fishing etc.... but they were doing it separately.... go together but he would wander off and do his thing and she would do hers.
In my life, I want to love a man that is there with me. Who has his own interests, but we are a family. I am not sure this is making sense. She stayed, but essentially was alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wendy, thank you for sharing that. I too was living a separate life from my X before we divorced. Thank goodness your grandmother did not stop doing the things she needed out of life like so many do. I did that too for a while.
The resentments that grew from taking care of my X like a child was huge. I have let that go, but would never be able to if I had to continue to do it. I gave birth to two children, I did not sign up for my spouse to be a child who I have to take care of. As you grow older, and your responsibilities increase, it becomes overwhelming to "take care of" your spouse, and it becomes overwhelming to not have the support one should have from that spouse.
Great thoughts coming out here. Each person has to decide to stay or go, and what they want out of life, and ultimately if that can be achieved with the addict in their life or not.
The resentments that grew from taking care of my X like a child was huge. I have let that go, but would never be able to if I had to continue to do it. I gave birth to two children, I did not sign up for my spouse to be a child who I have to take care of. As you grow older, and your responsibilities increase, it becomes overwhelming to "take care of" your spouse, and it becomes overwhelming to not have the support one should have from that spouse.
Great thoughts coming out here. Each person has to decide to stay or go, and what they want out of life, and ultimately if that can be achieved with the addict in their life or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
ETA - all that said, yes I'm still here HOWEVER that does not mean that I will hesitate for a hot minute if my situation deteriorates & my husband decides to actively drink again.
The biggest difference for me in my recovery is that I am pretty firm in my boundaries, I know my limits & should that time ever unfortunately arise, I will not hesitate to make a decision. (which was not the case prior to that)
I won't go looking for justification or sit on the fence of indecision because I won't need it. All of MY answers are here, inside of ME. I listen to my gut & I believe it when it talks to me. (also not always the case when my codependency was untreated)
Heck, even without the relapse I recently asked my RAH for a separation & we are STILL in discussions about it. I'm taking everything one day at a time but I know that my decisions & resulting actions are based on what *I* need & what I feel is best for DD10.
Yes, I love my husband very, very much. Despite everything I am still very much IN love with him. But love is NOT enough, on either side, it just isn't.
The biggest difference for me in my recovery is that I am pretty firm in my boundaries, I know my limits & should that time ever unfortunately arise, I will not hesitate to make a decision. (which was not the case prior to that)
I won't go looking for justification or sit on the fence of indecision because I won't need it. All of MY answers are here, inside of ME. I listen to my gut & I believe it when it talks to me. (also not always the case when my codependency was untreated)
Heck, even without the relapse I recently asked my RAH for a separation & we are STILL in discussions about it. I'm taking everything one day at a time but I know that my decisions & resulting actions are based on what *I* need & what I feel is best for DD10.
Yes, I love my husband very, very much. Despite everything I am still very much IN love with him. But love is NOT enough, on either side, it just isn't.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Please don't procreate with this man. Putting children into the mix will complicate things in ways you don't even want to contemplate at this time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm just doing my best to be optimistic in such a dark scenario.
Take care of yourself and try and learn as much as you possible can about addiction and recovery -especially this part - We admitted we were powerless over alcoholo - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
See, the drinking stems from depression. He can get really bad. It stems from abandonment, and this psychological stress over abandonment.
I wish you the best!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Actually, that's inaccurate. He drinks to excess because he's an alcoholic. Alcohol is a depressant, it makes depression much worse and, as it progresses, turns happy drunks into depressed people. There are many people with misery in their lives who don't even think of taking a drink. As alcoholism progresses we drink more to self-medicate.
I wish you the best!
I wish you the best!
Some personality disorder Mental Illness is tied to abandonment, or at least the fear of. Part of what shows up in early in some Mental Illness even before Alcoholism or other addictions.
In so much that Alcoholism is also a Brain Illness, and as you noted the poor choice of too many for Self-Medication, they pretty much all go together.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: uk.
Posts: 106
Dear Dreamer, I have read advice about the need to educate oneself about alcoholism if involved with someone with that problem and I remember thinking that there wasn't much I didn't know about it already- I completely had my head in the sand about the need to be informed about the effects it would have on us both in the longer term if my partner did'nt step up and take responsibility for her own life(why would she when she had me to do that for her).Please just remain aware of all the possibilities -don't be me! I sincerely wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I completely had my head in the sand about the need to be informed about the effects it would have on ME in the longer term if my partner did'nt step up and take responsibility for her own life
In other words -- his drinking was making me crazy, and it happened so gradually I didn't even notice. Over time, I limited contact with my family, I stopped doing things with friends, I put the brakes on my career, I started accepting abuse, and I didn't even realize it.
The experience was similar to living in another country for a long time: You start seeing the country where you grew up with different eyes, and realizing that all the things you took for granted aren't self-evident. I felt the same way after I left -- I was looking back at my marriage and going "why did I think that was acceptable?"
Dreamer, I also want you to know that I loved my ex very much. I put him first in everything. And that was not a healthy thing to do. I also thought I was emotionally strong enough to not be affected by his drinking. I was wrong. I've been divorced for over four years and I'm still working on the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed during my marriage.
I know spouses who stayed with their alcoholics. One of my friends has been sober since the early 90s without a relapse, and his wife never left his side. But she detached -- she went to Al-Anon and worked their program; she went on vacations with her girlfriends and the kids rather than with him; it took about 15 years until they both felt that their marriage was "repaired" and worthwhile after he got sober.
I have another friend who's a RA. In her case, her husband only needed to say "You need to get help" and she did. He never developed the unhealthy coping skills because for whatever reason, she knew when he said that that he wouldn't say it again -- that this was her chance to get healthy and keep her family intact.
I guess what I'm saying is that while alcoholism tends to act the same way in people who don't seek help, there are personality differences in alcoholics, too, that affect their willingness to seek help and recovery. Just like there are personality differences in the people married to them. Some pack up and leave at the first sign of a problem -- I think those are probably the healthy ones. Others need more time and convincing -- I needed 20 years. I wasn't healthy going in, I didn't have healthy expectations of a relationship, and it didn't get better.
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