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We decided to separate

Old 09-02-2014, 10:33 AM
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We decided to separate

AH and I sat down this AM and had a decent conversation about where we're at and what the future holds. He says he'll never be able to 'overcome my fears' of him and that I will never trust him even with a millennia in AA.

We started discussing selling the house and what we need to do with it. He said love is eternal and that he will always love me but that our dysfunction and problems are most likely too much for us to get over and that he doesn't want to live this way anymore. I agreed.

There was a lot of stuff thrown around and I got defensive at first, but once we started talking about separation I had to admit that he was easier to talk to once we started discussing solutions instead of focusing on our problems. I told him I knew he drank again this weekend and he said he had a bad week and a bad month, etc and I called him out on the excuses and that didn't go well, of course.

He wanted to sit down and talk to me in response to a letter I gave him before I left for the weekend where I basically told him the truth and told him how I see our reality, how I know I can't control him, and how I want him to have the freedom to live his life as he sees fit. He basically stated that his behaviors will always bring me to fear him and that it's no way to live.

He said that I'll have to get a job, that I will have to put our son in school for his junior and senior years and then insinuated that, even though he loves me, he doesn't want to pay spousal support but is willing to split everything with me. Well, that was so magnanimous of him, geez. Right now, we're just talking about living in separate homes and that he wants to keep providing insurance for us, etc.

He also made mention to the fact that he doesn't want to put any more money into this house even though the pool needs to be remodeled. The pool has leaks and cracks and needs to be resurfaced and will cost me around $8000 to fix. 20 minutes later he asked me if I would be OK with him buying a fixer upper so that he can do some father son bonding with our son. Ummm, so he's ok spending money on a fixer upper but NOT on fixing this house so that we can sell it faster and possibly get closer to full market value for it??

I swear sometimes I feel like he's being as honest as he can be but that he just doesn't hear himself. It's like he's trying very hard to live in reality but that our realities don't match up. At least he was honest when he said that we probably won't be able to make this marriage work in the end, especially when you look at our past and how dysfunctional things have been since the beginning. He also told me that I always put our son first and that now he is number 15 on my list and that he's tired of living that way. I understand that, and I know it's no way to live. It was nice to at least be in agreement. We both were feeling a weight off our shoulders but decided to just keep living this way for a few months until we get the house fixed up and until our son is closer to finishing his sophomore year. We'll see what the year brings, right? One day at a time.

Oh, the other thing he said was that AA and his therapist were telling him different things. He claims that AA says to not make any decisions for a year but that his therapist was telling him to stop being a doormat. He said he feels that way. Well, at leaf he was honest, right?
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Old 09-02-2014, 10:38 AM
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Sounds a lot like the conversation XAH and I had when we finally decided to split. So you came to an important decision, and both are accepting the decision, which is good.

You don't need to hammer out assets and support with him now. Your lawyer (get one now) will ask you about your assets and then advise you what the courts like to see as far as asset splits and support in your specific type of situation. My ex thought it would be up to him what he would pay...it wasn't, although after some negotiation (from a position of strength after I learned what I should be getting), I agreed to a paltry sum because I wanted his equity in the house. Which turned out to be a damned good thing because he is unemployed and spent the summer living in his car. If I had depended on income from spousal support I would have been in deep trouble.
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Old 09-02-2014, 10:39 AM
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I am sorry, this has to hurt, a lot.

I can relate my experience was that once I stopped talking to my XAH about his past mistakes and just the future, the talks got a lot easier. I did not engage in any blame game, if he said something I wanted was "unfair" I simply said that's fine, we can take it to court and let a mediator decide. Amazingly, it shut him up very quickly. I said it calm and with concern. I explained that I did not want to be unfair to him, nor would I allow him to be unfair to me. Don't be afraid to say "No, that is not acceptable," just to keep the peace.

I did suck up a lot of student loan debt that I could have gotten a better shake on, but it would have taken time, and I wanted a divorce, and I wanted it quickly. I drew up what I wanted and sent the papers to him. He then revised and we did it that way back and forth until we agreed. I think it was easier that way b/c we did not have to talk so much.

Huge hugs to you.
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Old 09-02-2014, 10:41 AM
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Liz, you've done so much good work on yourself. Consult a lawyer and take care of you right now.
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Old 09-02-2014, 10:41 AM
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Hi

I am sorry that you are going through this.

From what you write, he is not ready or willing to stop drinking and "get better/maintain recovery." That is really important for you to know, understand and accept. It sucks, but at least you know the truth and can make choices for yourself and your son knowing where he stands.

You will get through this.

HUGS
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Old 09-02-2014, 10:43 AM
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I just have this feeling that you and your son will find a place for the two of you (or stay in your current home, and your AH will move out), and the first night the two of you are alone for real, with no specter of your AH coming back from an out of town trip, or coming home drunk...that the two of you will just EXHALE, and it will be the start of a totally new life for both of you.

((HUGS)) Love you, friend!
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:07 AM
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just keep in mind Liz, this is the same "genius" who wanted to take his son on an 8 countries in 5 days world tour not too long ago. aka he talks a lot of smack when it comes to PLANS. i'm not sure i'd trust him to successfully plan a trip to the restroom much less anything of critical importance. don't let him just take the lead here and don't believe every word that falls out of his face.

i'd suggest it's time to go visit your lawyer again and make your own plans!!!
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:20 AM
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I have a lawyer already. She is awesome and is willing to fight to see me be able to homeschool my son through to the end. I will be contacting her soon. AH does not know that I have one already. This whole house buying thing is weird, AGAIN, but I didn't feel like arguing about it because really I have no idea if he is even capable of following through.

He pretty much made it clear that AA is not for him, that he is who he is, and that he knows I can't live with him as he is. He also was pretty honest about how he wants a woman to hold him, to love him, and to touch him, and how he is tired of not having his physical needs met. He loves me, but he knows I am not there yet when it comes to physical stuff. He told me that he lost 15 pounds but that it's obvious it didn't work. Like that was what all our trouble was about: the fact that he was an overweight, balding, middle aged man.

I guess you could say there was lots of truths and lots of craziness mixed in. He told me I'd still have to worry about him drinking and driving but that he knows he'll never get another DUI again. Oh, I had to laugh at that one because that's what he said before he got the first one. Geez, sometimes I am just so glad I am NOT in his head!
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Old 09-02-2014, 11:49 AM
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I'm sorry Liz, I hope you get in to see your attorney right away & she can get a proactive jumpstart on all of this for you. I don't expect he's going to make this process easy. (((((HUGS))))) You have come so far in your recovery, I know it will continue to serve you well!!
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Old 09-02-2014, 12:05 PM
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I'm sorry Lizatola.

Unfortunately sometimes its just the natural progression of things. I too am separated and on the path to divorce. My AH also refuses AA or any recovery. He cutrs down whenever he sees fit but never truly stops. It's sad but competely out of my control. I am also looking at purchasing a new home. It's a daunting and scary process but exciting at the same time because it represents new beginnings. For me, just remembering that things are happening as they are meant to happen and that I amoin my HP's path helps me. I pray this transition goes smoothly for you. You are not alone.
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Old 09-02-2014, 12:44 PM
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Glad to hear that you have gotten to a place of resolution about your marriage. The continual push-pull that you've been in must be very straining and stressful.

Now the trick is not to get into the same pattern over the divorce negotiations. From my experience, I'd say turn the negotiations over to the attorneys and let them, as rational people paid to get to an outcome, handle it rather than you dealing with an alcoholic changeable husband.

What does your son want in terms of his last two years of school? As a sophomore in high school now, he should have the major say in what he wants on this front.

ShootingStar1
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Old 09-02-2014, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
Glad to hear that you have gotten to a place of resolution about your marriage. The continual push-pull that you've been in must be very straining and stressful.

Now the trick is not to get into the same pattern over the divorce negotiations. From my experience, I'd say turn the negotiations over to the attorneys and let them, as rational people paid to get to an outcome, handle it rather than you dealing with an alcoholic changeable husband.

What does your son want in terms of his last two years of school? As a sophomore in high school now, he should have the major say in what he wants on this front.

ShootingStar1
I already know my son wants to continue to be homeschooled. He'll be 16 in November. I've been told by a friend who is newly divorced and who did so amicably with her X that when kids reach 16, here in AZ they can pretty much decide which parent they want to be with and how much time they want to spend with them, etc. Her 16 year old chose to leave her and go live with dad in Utah, but her 18 year old stayed here with her. She said they did everything with a mediator outside of the court system.

Of course, I doubt my proceedings will be anything but amicable even though that's what he claims to want. I know he just wants to have his cake and eat it too and he wants a woman who will put up with his drinking yet still support him no matter what. Actually, if I read between the lines, that's pretty much what he said to me. I'm still laughing in my head about how adamant he was that he won't get another DUI ever again. Wow, just wow!
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Old 09-02-2014, 02:47 PM
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It sounds like a good conversation, all in all.

He's right -- changing because someone else needs you to change in order to stay married to you is no way to live. I wouldn't want to. I'd want out, too.

But of course, you're not primarily wanting him to get sober for your sake, but for his own. It will probably be good for him to not have you to blame for trying to sober him up, you know? When there's nobody to fight, no railing that says "do not go here," he will have to find out for himself what's on the other side of that railing -- whether it's the green green grass of being able to drink to his heart's content, or whether it's a sharp drop off down a cliff?

You're smart to have your lawyer lined up. With a kid with special needs, disrupting his education the last two years of high school sounds like a plan I'd like to question. Also, your AH's attempts at controlling what happens also sound like he's in no way ready to let go. I would expect pushback on everything including the agreed-upon separation, honestly. So having a good lawyer on your side will be good -- and then let's hope you won't need her services.
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Old 09-02-2014, 03:26 PM
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"he doesn't want to pay spousal support but is willing to split everything with me"

With almost 20 years of marriage, I am sure you will be entitled to spousal support as well as a 50/50 split.

You have taken things one step at a time and have grown so much. I am confident that you will look after yourself well through this divorce. I'm sorry it has come to that. You deserve better.
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Old 09-02-2014, 04:07 PM
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Hi Liz...I'm sorry to hear it has come to this, however, you sound very strong and calm, so bravo. I hope you able to get everything you and your son need along with much of what you want.
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:37 PM
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And, so let the craziness begin. This AM during our conversation he told me that he was not going on his sales rewards trip to Aruba in October. He texted me a few hours ago to say that he registered for the trip AND he invited me to go along because I certainly earned it.

Umm, didn't we just talk about separating 7 hours beforehand?? What the??
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Old 09-02-2014, 07:07 PM
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which is WHY you stop taking anything he says from this minute to the next to heart, Liz.....and instead you operate on your schedule and do what is best for you. it's every man for himself and if you dilly dally you'll get screwed.
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Old 09-03-2014, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
which is WHY you stop taking anything he says from this minute to the next to heart, Liz.....and instead you operate on your schedule and do what is best for you. it's every man for himself and if you dilly dally you'll get screwed.
AMEN! Last night he asked me when we're getting the money from the energy company, they owe us $800 for a rebate on getting our ducts done earlier in the year. He thought it was $3000 and was shocked when I said that, no, it's $800. He said, "Guess I wasn't paying attention." Well, there's a lot he hadn't been paying attention to over the last 3 years. Not sure if he's capable of paying attention now especially if he's back to binging and not working a program.
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:51 AM
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When I got out of my XAH's way, the wheels really fell off. Indeed, there was SO MUCH he hadn't been paying attention to.
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Old 09-03-2014, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I swear sometimes I feel like he's being as honest as he can be but that he just doesn't hear himself. It's like he's trying very hard to live in reality but that our realities don't match up.
That description fit my ex to a tee. I have just stopped wondering, for the most part. Why does he say these things, doesn't he remember, is it just to try to hurt me--and at this point, I don't think he knows, either!!!

I wish you the very best of luck and hope that you have a great home in your future, the ability to home school, and a peaceful separation process!!
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