We decided to separate
AH and I sat down this AM and had a decent conversation about where we're at and what the future holds. He says he'll never be able to 'overcome my fears' of him and that I will never trust him even with a millennia in AA.
We started discussing selling the house and what we need to do with it. He said love is eternal and that he will always love me but that our dysfunction and problems are most likely too much for us to get over and that he doesn't want to live this way anymore. I agreed.
There was a lot of stuff thrown around and I got defensive at first, but once we started talking about separation I had to admit that he was easier to talk to once we started discussing solutions instead of focusing on our problems. I told him I knew he drank again this weekend and he said he had a bad week and a bad month, etc and I called him out on the excuses and that didn't go well, of course.
He wanted to sit down and talk to me in response to a letter I gave him before I left for the weekend where I basically told him the truth and told him how I see our reality, how I know I can't control him, and how I want him to have the freedom to live his life as he sees fit. He basically stated that his behaviors will always bring me to fear him and that it's no way to live.
He said that I'll have to get a job, that I will have to put our son in school for his junior and senior years and then insinuated that, even though he loves me, he doesn't want to pay spousal support but is willing to split everything with me. Well, that was so magnanimous of him, geez. Right now, we're just talking about living in separate homes and that he wants to keep providing insurance for us, etc.
He also made mention to the fact that he doesn't want to put any more money into this house even though the pool needs to be remodeled. The pool has leaks and cracks and needs to be resurfaced and will cost me around $8000 to fix. 20 minutes later he asked me if I would be OK with him buying a fixer upper so that he can do some father son bonding with our son. Ummm, so he's ok spending money on a fixer upper but NOT on fixing this house so that we can sell it faster and possibly get closer to full market value for it??
I swear sometimes I feel like he's being as honest as he can be but that he just doesn't hear himself. It's like he's trying very hard to live in reality but that our realities don't match up. At least he was honest when he said that we probably won't be able to make this marriage work in the end, especially when you look at our past and how dysfunctional things have been since the beginning. He also told me that I always put our son first and that now he is number 15 on my list and that he's tired of living that way. I understand that, and I know it's no way to live. It was nice to at least be in agreement. We both were feeling a weight off our shoulders but decided to just keep living this way for a few months until we get the house fixed up and until our son is closer to finishing his sophomore year. We'll see what the year brings, right? One day at a time.
Oh, the other thing he said was that AA and his therapist were telling him different things. He claims that AA says to not make any decisions for a year but that his therapist was telling him to stop being a doormat. He said he feels that way. Well, at leaf he was honest, right?