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Did my anxiety make home life harder for him??

Old 08-11-2014, 04:50 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
Thank you Amy your right it's not ok for them to treat us like this it wasn't ok for him to walk out so many times to put everyone one else and his drinking before me and the kids. His behaviour over the years wasn't right and how he has treated me this time isn't right. I may have had issues before I met him but I also remember I was confident, yes nervous in new situations but I didn't let that stop me from trying new things. My anxiety took hold when I met him and he spent days away and I didn't know where he was, I shouldn't have married him that I know and I shouldn't have stayed with him for so long and I need to work on why I did. I think early on I started to develop the feelings of not being good enough and if he loved me he wouldn't put me through this. But if I loved myself I wouldn't have allowed myself to go through it.

How are you now that you are no longer in those relationships is your PTSD easier to manage??

My PTSD was getting a lot better. I began to trust again. Then ex decided to retire !!!!!! Well things are spelled out quite specifically in the divorce decree, but he refuses to acknowledge my existence, and I will probably have to take him back to court. I think he knows that he will lose and also end up paying my attorney fees, but I don't think he is able to acknowledge that I even exist. For him, I think it is easier to sweep things under the rug and not look at things, (me)

I don't want to have to take him to court, spend thousands of his $$$$, possibly have him jailed for contempt of court, but he will not use me as a doormat anymore. He will also have to pay my attorney fees since he is the one who defaulted on the divorce decree.

Other then the new battle coming up, I am doing really well. I bought a home, a foreclosure and I am almost finished the renovations. Will start the landscaping this year. My house was also abused and my house and I are healing together.
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Old 08-11-2014, 05:08 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I try to pick up from where I left off, just before xah got difficult.

I follow my joys: dance in the kitchen while making dinner, spend all Sunday at the beach with the kids and friends, read bits of French literature, flirt, run and bike fast, wear little summer dresses, catch up with old friends, write, dream, cuddle with our cat.

These little joys don't have to take up much time and it's good for everyone when we can be happy
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Old 08-11-2014, 07:00 AM
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Hi redatlanta he never had affairs I accused him of it as I couldn't understand why someone would want to sneak off in the middle of the night to drink or spend all night drinking and for me that was the obvious answer oh and he didn't want to be with me!! Sometimes I think it would have easier if he had an affair, not nice but able to understand rather than addiction where there is no sense. What you said and what others have said makes a lot of sense, I was living on the edge, never knowing when his next binge would be, what mood he would be in and so on. It is nice to sit and not worry why he's in a bad mood, how much he will drink, I can go to bed and not worry if he will sneak out, come home, I'm not up all night worrying trying to contact him or if I fall asleep weakening with a start and jumping out of bed to see if he's come home and is passed out on the sofa or waking up and him not being home. It's nice to not worry about his mood when I come home from work or rushing home to make sure the kids have done their chores so he doesn't shout. Your right I was living on the edge. My home is more relaxed, my anxiety is settling, as long as I stay no contact.

Amy that's brilliant that you are doing so well

Pippi I need to do more fun things
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Old 08-11-2014, 07:09 AM
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Just wanted to drop in and let you know I am here for you anytime.

Hugs Hugs!
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Old 08-11-2014, 07:51 AM
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Thank you hopeful.

I am so grateful that I found this forum and plucked up the courage to start posting the support and encouragement I have received has been over whelming I don't think I would be were I am today with all the support. Big thanks & hugs to everyone.
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Old 08-11-2014, 08:15 AM
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And you can also ask "Did his alcoholism make home life harder for you?"
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Old 08-11-2014, 08:24 AM
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And not only home life, but life in general.
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Old 08-11-2014, 08:35 AM
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They are questions I need to be asking myself and if I have to answer now without really thinking then I would have to say YES life was pretty miserable the kids and I walking on egg shells. He recently said to me one early morning when I found him sitting out my back drunk I shouted at the kids everyday as he presented to cry to which I replied yes you did and walked back into my home!!
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Old 08-11-2014, 09:30 AM
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I can say that I was an anxiety ridden mess myself for quite some time. The walking on eggshells and the anxiety were making me a miserable person. That was one thing that actually let me know it all had to change. His alcoholism and the unreliability and manipulation were leading me to be a different person I know I don't want to be.
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Old 08-11-2014, 10:04 AM
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interesting that you posted this today. My soon to be supposed RAH had the girls this weekend at his parents house. All seemed to go well except when I picked them up, he followed me out to my car, lifted up my trunk, put the girls stuff back there (despite me saying - no it's ok, thanks I got it) helped strapped the girls in and I thought I was going to hyperventilate. Having him in my personal space like that made me very VERY anxious.

wrong or right I sent a non-hostile text message thanking him for his help but that I am very uncomfortable around him right now and would prefer he would not.

WELL.

Here come the paragraphs of disdain from him. Let me type it verbatim

"you've been 'uncomfortable' for years. You kissed my A** goodbye along time ago and stopped treating me like I was a real person with feelings. I wish we would have done this sooner before the kids got in the way now we are stuck having to communicate."

Drum Roll Please...

"I probably would have stopped drinking along time ago if it weren't for the way you treated me. I squashed all of the pain of being alone and thrown away with alchohol while you watched the same Law and Order for the 10th time. How do you want me to feel? All happy go skippy?"

Responding is beneath me (at least today) but for the record, I have been trying to leave for at least 2 years but he convinced me to stay because "things were going to change"

I begged him to stop drinking long before I mentally "checked out"

Lastly, how conveinent that he has shared all his "reasons" for drinking with me over the years and none of them included me, until I left.

It is pathetic and sad.

You didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.
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Old 08-11-2014, 10:25 AM
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meggem....good for you to not engage. What would be the point?? I am so impressed!!!

XXX to all!
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Old 08-11-2014, 10:58 AM
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meggem, it seems as if you're really starting to see thru the BS and quacking to the reality and truth of the situation. You're doing so well--I wish you continued clarity and strength!
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Old 08-11-2014, 11:17 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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[QUOTE=meggem;

Here come the paragraphs of disdain from him. Let me type it verbatim

"you've been 'uncomfortable' for years. You kissed my A** goodbye along time ago and stopped treating me like I was a real person with feelings. I wish we would have done this sooner before the kids got in the way now we are stuck having to communicate."

Drum Roll Please...

"I probably would have stopped drinking along time ago if it weren't for the way you treated me. I squashed all of the pain of being alone and thrown away with alchohol while you watched the same Law and Order for the 10th time. How do you want me to feel? All happy go skippy?"

Responding is beneath me (at least today) but for the record, I have been trying to leave for at least 2 years but he convinced me to stay because "things were going to change"

I begged him to stop drinking long before I mentally "checked out"

Lastly, how conveinent that he has shared all his "reasons" for drinking with me over the years and none of them included me, until I left.

It is pathetic and sad.

You didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't cure it.[/QUOTE]

Oh wow I am sorry but when I read the message he sent I laughed not because I thought it was funny but his indignation about how poorly you treated him. Poor him.....not. I mean seriously. Has he stopped drinking since you left then if it was all your fault!! Has he stopped to think how his drinking impacted you & the kids, I doubt it!!!!!

I have been fortunate my Separated AH didn't blame me for his addiction although when we argued he would have used that as an excuse, or if he was struggling with something that was how he coped......poor him....not.

Well done for not responding I don't know if I could have been so strong and ignored that.

Are they all really so self centred that they think their drinking doesn't hurt any one and what that we beg, cry and plead because we want to ruin their fun!! I am starting to see how selfish my AH is and only thinks about himself and the more I think about our marriage he always did. Mine keeps telling me this is what's best for me and the kids that's how he justifies it to himself that he walked away from us and he thinks seeing our son once a week for about an hour is being there for him!! He sees my daughter less than that as she can't be bothered with him!!

Sorry for the rant the text he sent you made me feel angry.
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Old 08-11-2014, 01:25 PM
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Good I am GLAD you are feeling angry, I think it would be helpful for you to feel some healthy anger. I know you have been feeling so heartbroken lately so take that anger for me and turn it towards you. Wipe those tears and get PISSED.



And by the way I did watch a lot of Law and Order after the kids went to bed because I was hiding, I just wanted to crawl into a ball and zone out. Guess what? I watch much less TV since I moved. #1 I am much busier being a single mom and #2 - I just don't feel like I have to avoid anything.
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Old 08-11-2014, 01:47 PM
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Funny I don't watch a lot of TV either, night after night he would sit in front of the TV and refuse to do anything I was so bored and yes hiding away from the real issues. I would have worked late a lot of nights as well just so I didn't have to see him. Like you I'm busy when I come home from work then I like to go to bed and read. I still work late but bring my work home.

I'm not angry now it never seems to last long, and I always seem to have no problem being angry for other people lol. I think I find it hard to be angry because he's not being mean or nasty but a lot of self pitying behaviour and he's depressed. I can't be angry with him when he is like that and the odd occasion I was I would say mean things then feel guilty, I think I pity him he has chosen a miserable life and I am becoming stronger every day and have my 2 wonderful kids who I get to see everyday and although they are older and don't spend a lot of time with me anymore and I wouldn't want them sitting downstairs worrying about me I want them to live their life, we eat dinner together and I hear about their day and the. Or all chatter round the dinner table and I get to say goodnight and tell them I love them. The small things I appreciate. My kids know I never walked out on them and I was here for them.
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Old 08-11-2014, 03:07 PM
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i am starting to think that as I was so anxious did I make it so difficult for him did I make more of an issue of his drinking than it really was because I was scared it would go back?
Whether you made a big issue or never spoke about it, he would have drunk anyway. The factor that affects how much an alcoholic drinks is internal: how quickly the addiction is growing, how much it is dominating their thoughts and starting to destroy their life. The outside world and the people in it don't have any effect on an alcoholics drinking patterns. It all starts and ends inside.
Did I create a problem that wasn't there in my paranoid, anxious and insecure mind. Did he drink to the point of blacking out, binging the next day and sneaking out as he didn't know when he was going to be able to have another drink because I was so anxious is that why he binged?
No, other people don't affect the alcoholics drinking: alcohol, the substance does. The binge is a result of the inability to stop drinking once the drinker has started. It is never planned: who plans on going on a binge? Instead the alcoholic most likely hoped they would control it. Have a "nice drunk", but then it turns into the nice drunk from hell and they wake up 4 days later wondering why they are missing a shoe and what town are they in.
You are wondering if any of your behavior has any effect on your husbands drinking: no, if other people could affect or control an alcoholics drinking, there probably wouldn't be any alcoholics!
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