Did my anxiety make home life harder for him??
 

I've been reflecting a lot on my marriage recently and I have began to think maybe I contributed to his addiction in some way because I was anxious and insecure. Most of you all know the history.

I don't remember being an anxious person before I met AH yes I had issues from my childhood, never felt loved or worthy that I wasn't good enough but I can't remember being anxious. I met my AH when I was 20 and we married within a year despite it being a year where he disappeared for days on end drinking and taking drugs, he could be aggressive and violent but I still married him. This year is my first recollection of being anxious wondering were he was why he would do this. So fast forward another year and he's left, I can't remember why but I know drink was a big issue but I didn't recognise it as a problem I thought it was me. 5 years later we get back together after he promises to stop drinking. I remember this time I pushed and pushed him mostly to see how he would react and he didn't. Few years later he began drinking but it was agreed he would drink outside the home. He then started to stay at a family members following a bereavement but it turned it almost every night and his drinking became more frequent. We argued all the time I accessed him of having an affair, why else would he be there every night of the week, he said he couldn't leave her on her own as she was scared and he was drinking to cope with being with her. It wasn't until years later I realised he used the place to drink. Again he leaves and I have a breakdown, he comes home after a few weeks. He had periods of sobriety over the next few years but I became so unhappy and I asked him to leave, his drinking became worse. We worked through things and he came home but while away he had made contact with old friends from when we first met, not good or nice people. I became so anxious about them, I worried that he would prefer to be with them than me and again accused him of having an affair, he never invited me out with them, not that I wanted to but it made me think he was hiding something and he said they had changed so why not let me see that for myself. I remember it was at this time my anxiety became so bad, I cried and panicked when he was going out and yes I tried to control his interaction with these friends I tried to explain. How and why I was anxious that I worried that he didn't want me, preferred to be with them, he even admitted at times that he didn't really like them much. This continued for a year he agreed to see them once a week then once a month but every time I was over reacting, he wasn't doing anything wrong. Everything was he felt he had an obligation to them as they had supported him during our separation yeah they supplied him with drink and drugs!! He would say he was only seeing them until their weeding was over then it was after this happened or this. He never followed through. He left again said he couldn't cope with my anxiety and at times he felt like driving off the road into a fence or. Lorry. I felt I made him so unhappy he wanted to do this. I drove m crazy I constantly rang him and texted him when he was out because I was so anxious, insecure and paranoid. This was a horrible time I was so obsessed with feelings that if he loved me he would put me first, I would have obsessional thoughts I honestly didn't know who I was or where I belonged. I really hit rock bottom.

I had another breakdown, he agreed to come back months later after we talked and talked but it was only after I said I wouldn't say anything about his friendships. He said he would stop seeing them gradually when he was ready and I know he doesn't like being told what to do!! Was I wrong to want him to consider my feelings, he wasn't even a nice person during that time. He eventually stopped drinking with them after one night he left here at lunch time and didn't come home until 7 the following morning. He was always full of good intentions during this time and when he never followed through he would say I didn't tell you I wouldn't drink I said it was my intention.

I saw a counsellor during this time and although he told me my anxiety was understandable my AH would tell me it wasn't.

He continued to drink to the point of passing out and periodically binging the next day or sneaking out during the night. Every time he drank I felt anxious but maybe I made more of a deal of his drinking than it really was. Was I still caught up on what happened at the start of our marriage I have to be honest I was scared that it would go back to this.

Although he would acknowledge at times he had a drink problem and you all know about the cycle of Denial he has also admitted that it wasn't that he was putting friends and family before me but his place and opportunity to drink. He would also take every opportunity to drink, his mum would go away at times and he would go and stay at her house, saying he was looking after it but he would drink and drink. He would say he did this as he didn't know when he would get another opportunity!!

iam starting to think that as I was so anxious did I make it so difficult for him did I make more of an issue of his drinking than it really was because I was scared it would go back? Did I create a problem that wasn't there in my paranoid, anxious and insecure mind. Did he drink to the point of blacking out, binging the next day and sneaking out as he didn't know when he was going to be able to have another drink because I was so anxious is that why he binged?

I am sorry this was so long and repeating some of what I have already said but I am trying to look at my own behaviour and I feel I can be honest and open here.

Thanks for letting me get this out

People go through hard things all the time, much harder than your husband did. They don't become alcoholics or drug users, either.

Go back to the basics: you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. You're stuck in an endless cycle of self blame that's getting you nowhere. Put the blame back where it belongs--on him. And leave it there.

Your question, asked another way, would be this: "If my husband had never met me, would he still be an alcoholic?"

Butterfly, you know the answer to that question.

Queenapple is right. Go back to the basics. The three C's.

It's not always a bad thing to review our own behavior, but when doing that it's important to make sure it's coming from a desire to move forward and not a desire to fall back into old codependent habits. You know what I mean? (((((( hugs ))))))

No...it is all him, his choice.

Butterfly - unless you routinely strapped him to a table and poured booze down his throat, you in no way contributed to his addiction. Addiction, like recovery, is an inside job - outsiders can neither cause nor cure it. We try to rationalize and define the disease I think because it makes it less scary and easier to understand. The truth is this: until he wants to be sober more than he wants to drink, nothing you say or do will prevent him from drinking.

Please don't blame yourself. It's his addiction, his problem.

Did you cause him to drink? No. Did you participate in the chaos? We all do. None of us is any more to blame for their drinking than the people who produce their beverages of choice. It's not your fault. Period.

No.

He binged because he wanted to. He wanted to. He, wanted to. Binge.

O Blossom, are you going to believe a counselor or an addict?

Maybe the title of your thread should read, "Did alcoholism, abuse, maipulation, and gaslighting contribute to my anxiety?"

My wife is not anxious, she's confident and level-headed........and here I am posting :)

Thank you everyone. Hopeful I have thought that at times if he hadn't behaved the way he did I wouldn't have felt anxious but it's easier to blame myself but I need to stop doing that.

Serious karma your right he would be addict whether he had met me or not the behaviours were there before I met him and were as clear as day when we were first together but I didn't know about addiction I was young and thought I could fix him!!

I have been looking at my own behaviour because I want to improve myself and I want to ensure that I stop my codie behaviour. The last 2 months I have noticed I am less anxious because I don't really know what he is doing, I still have moments though.

And yes I believed my counsellor I just remember the day so clearly when I told AH what we talked about and I felt that maybe I had picked my counsellor up wrong, he had a way of making me doubt myself.

I think that you are having a really serious case of the "what if's". What if, I was nicer, what if, I nagged less, what if, I tolerated this more. I could go on and on with the "what ifs?" I had them all.

It is our own fear of rejection and abandonment. I was on my second marriage. What if I put up with my abusive cheating alcoholic first husband. I was on my second husband so of course, it is all my fault!!!!!!!!!! How could I found another one like my first. What was wrong with me? So the "what if's" started.

I found out that the "what if's?", were all my own self doubt, and denial. My feelings were actually right. I married two arseholes.

My 2nd was the worse, or maybe I was just not married long enough to my first. I don't know.

I did realize that I could have changed anything at all that I wanted to about me, he still would have blamed me. I could have been the most agreeable person in the world, he still would have blamed me. I could have let him drink and ***** around, he still would have blamed me. I tried to fix everything I could about me, because maybe then he would love me.

Truth is, I changed everything about me, I became a doormat, and he never stopped for one minute. He was just an ********, and I was accepting abuse.

To me, it was one of the worst kinds of abuse. I wanted him to see me, feel me, touch me. I felt like I no longer existed. I just wanted to be treated like I was a human and that he knew I existed. That wasn't a life anyone should have!!!!!!!

Your right it's the self doubt and the was his addiction so bad or did I make it worse in my head than it really was because I was so anxious he would leave me and it would go back to the way it was. It never went back to the extremes at the start but his addiction was still there. The periods of sobriety didn't last once the guilt and feelings of shame went the drinkiNg came back he may not have drank every night but when he drank he drank and everything went out the window me the kids all he could see was his wants and needs.

Wow, your post really resonates with me. My RAH blames me all the time for his issues. I have been beating myself up because if I hadn't had panic attacks and constant anxiety he would still be here. He told me I was destroying him and all I had to do was trust him and stop worrying constantly, but I couldn't.

Yeah it's those words just trust me, you will see, you have nothing to worry about, major red flags now for me!!

Sometimes we would rather believe the fault lies with us. Because we with big hearts know we can change.

An A that's gone mad? Nothing you can do but get out of the way and take charge of your own life.

Sorry, there's nothing you did or can do to change yourself that would change your A. So now the fun begins. What do you do for yourself? I have to say, I am really quite struggling with that one some days!!!

Butterfly, did you cause this? Would he have drank so much if you weren't so anxious?

The answer is you didn't cause this, and yes he would have drank, and yes he would have still left home on the numerous times that he did.

My anxiety and panic, turned into PTSD. No a normal person would not do that to his wife and children. It is not a husbands right to run away to drink.

I remember one of the time my ex was divorcing me, he came back home, promised me that he would get help, that he loved me and if we ever were to separate, it would be because I left and I filed for divorce. He finally agreed to go to someone that I had picked. A psychologist. Well he saw this psychologist by himself about 3 times, then psychologist wanted to meet with the both of us. H3lls, bells, I had nothing to lose. I went.

Psychologist asked us to describe some of our fights. I just sat there, let the ex talk. He mentioned that I get crazy if he is late from work. So psychologist turned to me, and asked me if I could allow 30 minutes from the time he should be home, for a phone call that he may be late.

I agreed, then mentioned that I had PTSD because of this, and that out of about 100 times of him being late from work, that **% of the time, he came home 5 hours late, or not at all, and only 1 time that he was stuck in traffic.

My PTSD was real, your anxiety is real, your panic attacks are real. What isn't real is why they would think that this is OK. Why is it OK to run away from home, and expect you to wait weeks, or months for their return?

I just couldn't do it anymore.

Hi pippi I understand doing things for ourselves is difficult at times I've started counselling to help me in my recovery and help me figure out were I want to go with my life but apart from that nothing much I work full time and because of my job I usually end up working late or bringing work home, I look after my kids and the house. I don't have a lot of free time.

What do you do pippi??

Thank you Amy your right it's not ok for them to treat us like this it wasn't ok for him to walk out so many times to put everyone one else and his drinking before me and the kids. His behaviour over the years wasn't right and how he has treated me this time isn't right. I may have had issues before I met him but I also remember I was confident, yes nervous in new situations but I didn't let that stop me from trying new things. My anxiety took hold when I met him and he spent days away and I didn't know where he was, I shouldn't have married him that I know and I shouldn't have stayed with him for so long and I need to work on why I did. I think early on I started to develop the feelings of not being good enough and if he loved me he wouldn't put me through this. But if I loved myself I wouldn't have allowed myself to go through it.

How are you now that you are no longer in those relationships is your PTSD easier to manage??

Its the chicken or the egg argument. Were you anxious because he drank or did he drink because you were anxious?

We all contribute to the demise of a relationship - codies are often as sick and sometimes sicker than their alcoholic partners. How one chooses to address problems is their own choice. He chose booze, you chose to try and make it work with an alcoholic who abused you with affairs and I am sure much more. Where did your anxiety stem from? its all right there in black and white. Your anxiety was/is justified it came from living with an alcoholic person whose behavior kept you on edge.

Don't ever blame yourself for his issues. If "living with you caused his alcoholism" (and I say that laughing) then he always had a choice to leave. Wait, he did leave. Several times. And he was still alcoholic……………

Many (((((hugs)))) to you swerve off this path of thinking its just not accurate.