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Now we'll call him RAH

Old 06-10-2014, 08:36 AM
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Now we'll call him RAH

So, my AH sat me down to talk to me about what he's been doing. He admitted to me that he is an alcoholic. His words were, "You were right, you were right, and I refused to see that I had a problem." He said he has found a sponsor and he thanked me for being 'stubborn'. He used that word quite a bit, while I don't think it's accurate, I let it go so that I didn't start an argument.

He told me that I should have kicked him out 2 years ago but that he's grateful to me for not doing so. He insinuated that if I had left, it would have been the end. He didn't specify what 'the end' was, so I can't assume to know.

I listened, I told him to enjoy working his program because I've learned a lot working my own program. He said that he knows that our marriage may still not make it because there's a lot of water under the bridge and that he understands if it doesn't. For now, he is going to focus on his own recovery.

So, with all that said, I will be staying in TODAY.
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Old 06-10-2014, 08:45 AM
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I'm glad your husband had an epiphany and I hope he follows through for his own sake. It's great that you're working your program and taking care of you!! xoxox
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Old 06-10-2014, 08:48 AM
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Great news. I really hope he stays on this path.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:03 AM
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Good words. Keep working your program. Words may or may not be followed by action, but for today, things are good.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Good words. Keep working your program. Words may or may not be followed by action, but for today, things are good.
So true. So does anybody want to tell me why I'm angry then? I still feel like I'll be on a roller coaster or maybe I'm future tripping too much. Either way, I'm trying to stay in today but find my mind going to the future and it's killing me. I keep thinking that life would be so much easier if I weren't involved with an alcoholic in any way, shape, or form right now. Not sure there's sanity and serenity with alcoholics, but I know that's just my own misgivings. Some of my best friends in program came from the AA side and after 20 years in AA, their kids started using and they came to Al Anon lost and wondering 'now what?'.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:33 AM
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Perhaps you are feeling angry (anger usually covers fear)--because, inside your head you still feel like "if he does X, then I am obligated to do Y"

Just spitballing......

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Old 06-10-2014, 09:34 AM
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Wow, Lizatola... that's good news. You've been working your program and have become stronger and stronger and independent of him. I could see how you have mixed emotions now. First of all, your Give-a-Damn about his issues is probably way busted. You may have envisioned your moving on (at least emotionally). Now he's thrown a wrench into that with his own stuff (but at least he recognizes he needs to work his own program and it's on him, I hope). And with an A, you'll forever be looking over your shoulder in one way or another for the shoe to drop, most likely. You've been scarred. I'm glad you're working your own program and glad he's chosen to work one!
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:45 AM
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You probably already know what I think. :P

He told me that I should have kicked him out 2 years ago but that he's grateful to me for not doing so. He insinuated that if I had left, it would have been the end. He didn't specify what 'the end' was, so I can't assume to know.
Is this a red flag? I think so. I think he's reminding you where your place is while throwing just enough cotton candy and rainbows at you to keep you where you are.

The good thing is that you don't have to do anything about this. Just file it with a sticky ("TBD") and keep your side of the street clean.

Many hugs, Liz. This guy is a doozy.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:53 AM
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Good observation.....that Florence makes.....about reminding you where your place is in a very subtle way (hidden within what he thinks is a compliment). Very slick.....

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Old 06-10-2014, 11:08 AM
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Sounds like he is making some forward progress. He is admitting to the problem which is the first step. No denial, and taking responsibility. You did a great job not engaing him and living in today's moment. Best of luck on both of your recoveries.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
You probably already know what I think. :P



Is this a red flag? I think so. I think he's reminding you where your place is while throwing just enough cotton candy and rainbows at you to keep you where you are.

The good thing is that you don't have to do anything about this. Just file it with a sticky ("TBD") and keep your side of the street clean.

Many hugs, Liz. This guy is a doozy.
I'm with Florence here (I'm sorry Liz!). My first thought reading this was "Quack". I hope I'm wrong, but this sounds like a big effort on his part to play it cool & humble & pander to your softer side.

I think the insinuation is not so subtle. This reads like this:

He told me that I should have kicked him out 2 years ago but that he's grateful to me for not doing so. He insinuated that if I had left, it would have been the end. He didn't specify what 'the end' was, so I can't assume to know
But I hear manipulation. "You shoulda kicked me out then when I wasn't even acknowledging my issues so now that I am showing "progress" it would be wrong of YOU not to stick it out no matter what."

If you had left it would have been "The End"?? How very dramatic, I'm calling it:


{said with love & support, Liz, I hope you don't take this personally & I don't think you will...}
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:12 PM
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The more you can let go of expectations the more serenity you'll feel. Maybe he'll stay sober, maybe not, but it's your program that is the most important to your own peace of mind.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:18 PM
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Sorry, I'm with Flo and FS.

Maybe you are angry because you know enough to sense the BS spun into his cotton candy. You don't sound thrilled Liz dear.

This guy is exhausting and cunning.

I don't want this to muddle you up further. I would keep working on Liz and not worry about your A who says he's an RA. Whichever it is, keep the focus on you!
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:14 PM
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I am w the others. They aren't called MASTER manipulators for nothing.
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:25 PM
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Thanks for the feedback everyone. I have to admit that I think he's serious this time. He talked about things in a way that seems like he sees the light. He even admitted to being an untreated alcoholic all those early years of marriage, despite being sober. He was excited about his sponsor, he was going to make it to one meeting a day, come hell or high water.

There was something different about his presenting of the information this time vs other times. He admitted that our marriage has many other issues and said that he knows he needs to tackle the drinking issue first before we can work on other things. Honestly, there was a lot of clarity in what he said and I was trying very hard to not get sucked in.

I think that only time will tell. It might just be a lot of BS because he knows I'm going to be starting this new job at home and he senses that I have one foot out the door. He did make mention to the financial issue saying that he's glad I didn't kick him out because it would have been hard for us to support two households. But, then he followed it up with, "Well, this isn't about the money anyway."

So, basically I'm going to be on guard still. I'm going to go about my interactions with him cautiously. I will be traveling quite a bit over the next 3-4 weeks so that will be a huge test for him as he will be home alone. He gets the interlock off at the end of July and that's also another concern for me, as well.
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:33 PM
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So does anybody want to tell me why I'm angry then?
I can't tell you why you're angry.
I can tell you why I would be angry.
I was mostly relieved to be out of my marriage when I left AXH -- but I was also furious that his first reaction was to get into rehab and tell God and everyone that he was committed to getting sober.

My thoughts went something like, "Really? Really? Are you f***ing kidding me? After years of me putting up with your sh*t, NOW you decide to get sober? When it's already too late? When our marriage is already dead, over, done with?"

That's how I felt. Anything sound familiar?
(Oh and PS: He was sober just long enough to determine that I wasn't coming back. Once he found that out, he went back to drinking.)
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
So true. So does anybody want to tell me why I'm angry then?
Because though they are true, all that transpired were words. Words that to him may have seemed profound but are a statement of the obvious. And they don't change a thing that has occurred in the past 24 hours much less 24 months.

From pg. 82 of the big book:

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept he home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?”
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Old 06-10-2014, 03:08 PM
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I've read your back story (I used to post under a different name and changed it for privacy reasons) and I have to admit my first thought was does it matter? And I mean that with all due respect. But at this point does it matter if he quits drinking? Will that change his untreated narcissism? Will it change the core of who he is? My XRAH is 7 months in recovery and well we are friends but we were friends when I left - what was lacking in the marriage is still lacking (the romance)...and bottom line is my XRAH is not romantic and never will be - has NOTHING to do with drinking. I've found many of the core issues in our marriage had nothing to do with drinking (the drinking exacerbated some things and covered others up by letting me focus on that and not the real issues) - mainly we were friends more than partners and secondly my XRAH does not like to share emotions much and well doesn't find that an issue. Eeeek - and LOL at the same time. :/

I guess what I'm saying is for me I've learned that to be happy I NEEDED to leave that marriage (be it temporary or permanent that remains to be seen)...and that was regardless of if he drank or not. The quitting drinking with a recovery program didn't solve our issues and it didn't solve me sticking in a relationship just to have a relationship/good image...I needed to get out be myself and learn who I am. It's not impossible the notion we could get back together but it wouldn't be possible at all if I hadn't had this time to find me and realize the relationship is not the end all be all of me....not even close.

That's just my experience - it may not apply...so take what you want and leave the rest.
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Old 06-10-2014, 04:12 PM
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One good thing--the only thing required of you is ......NOTHING!!!

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Old 06-10-2014, 04:19 PM
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This situation hasn't been about alcohol for a long time.
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