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Old 06-10-2014, 05:29 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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When my husband finally acknowledged he was an alcoholic, the only emotion I had left was anger. He expected support and hugs and I'm afraid I had none to give.
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Old 06-10-2014, 05:42 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Recovery takes hard work and time for both sides of the A street...he is just starting the process and has not yet recovered! Of course he is still quacking! Doesnt mean he hasnt had an AH HA moment! Discecting his every word does no one any good...and keeps you focused on him... Your smart to keep the focus on yourself and more will be revealed...Progress not perfection? Let go and let God? One day at a time? Detatch with LOVE?

You are still going for a ride for a while, and, as you are well aware, there are no guarantees. I hope for you and him and your marriage that he works those steps like his life depends on it...but we know frim our own personal battle...change is hard and sometimes we stumble...but as long as we get back up...there is hope!

You have your program to handle this and will do what is right for you!
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Old 06-10-2014, 08:03 PM
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I felt anger, too, when the hypnotizing sales pitch he'd used to tell me 'I' was the only problem in the relationship ended, and it was 'oh, never mind. It's actually not you that I'm suffering from, it's alcohol.'

And I was supposed to embrace that and support it. Instead, I just felt angry, and tired.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He told me that I should have kicked him out 2 years ago but that he's grateful to me for not doing so. He insinuated that if I had left, it would have been the end. He didn't specify what 'the end' was, so I can't assume to know.
Worst manipulation you can throw at a person if you ask me.
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Old 06-11-2014, 08:51 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh View Post
Worst manipulation you can throw at a person if you ask me.
Yeah, that was my first reaction while I sat there and listened!
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Old 06-11-2014, 09:43 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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From my experiences with my AW all I can say is pay attention to his actions, not his words. Not drinking does not equal recovery.

I had to keep check on my emotions as well. Hope clouds observation.

Your friend,
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Old 06-11-2014, 10:02 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
From my experiences with my AW all I can say is pay attention to his actions, not his words. Not drinking does not equal recovery.

I had to keep check on my emotions as well. Hope clouds observation.

Your friend,
Hence the reason I get angry: I think I'm angry that I even want to feel hopeful, if that makes sense, LOL.

As for his actions: it's probably too early to tell. So far he's working a program, has found a sponsor, and is constantly reading his Big Book or other program material.
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Old 06-11-2014, 10:19 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Suicide threats are considered an act of domestic violence in many states.
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Old 06-11-2014, 10:42 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Suicide threats are considered an act of domestic violence in many states.
Ah, but he didn't actually come out and say, "I would have killed myself". He was quite careful with his wording and pretty much said, "It would have been the end...." and left me to fill in the blanks, of course. The last time he threatened suicide, I told him I'd call the police so that they could come and help him, that was right after the DUI and he was feeling quite remorseful and having a pity party.
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Old 06-11-2014, 07:21 PM
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Too much talking for my personal taste.
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Old 06-12-2014, 06:37 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I'm glad you are working towards financial independence from this person.

I agree with choublak, he talks and talks and talks and is really manipulative with all his talking.
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Old 06-12-2014, 08:14 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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And how he's all ambiguous with "it would have been the end..." I don't know.
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Old 06-12-2014, 08:20 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Yep, my first thought was that maybe he didn't mean it would be the end of "him." I wouldn't trust him any farther than I could throw him.
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Old 06-12-2014, 08:46 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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My ex used to do the same thing with comments that had "deniability" if he were actually called on it. He would say, "I don't know what will happen if your ex ever comes by but it won't be good" insinuating that he would hurt or kill him. He didn't have the balls to actually make a threat. And the crazy part...I hadn't seen my ex in over two decades and he lived over a thousand miles away. It's just another form of quacking.
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Old 06-12-2014, 09:34 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Ah, but he didn't actually come out and say, "I would have killed myself". He was quite careful with his wording
I've dealt with the same thing for the longest time with my ex after the divorce. He kept just 1/8 of an inch on the "right" side of actionable threats for the longest time.
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Old 06-12-2014, 01:50 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
My ex used to do the same thing with comments that had "deniability" if he were actually called on it. He would say, "I don't know what will happen if your ex ever comes by but it won't be good" insinuating that he would hurt or kill him. He didn't have the balls to actually make a threat. And the crazy part...I hadn't seen my ex in over two decades and he lived over a thousand miles away. It's just another form of quacking.
My AH would say stuff about the neighbors and give me the impression that he would kill them if he had a gun. It's one of the reasons I won't allow us to have a gun in the house and AH would get all mad and make comments like, "She won't allow me to have a gun." Umm, no, what I said was that I would not live in a house where both you and a gun reside, based on comments that you have made. Since starting on antidepressants, he has not had any paranoia or angry outbursts, so I'm quite thankful for that!

I have to admit, I admire the fact that he's truly throwing himself into recovery. He's been to a meeting every day since last Friday and that's HUGE for him. I'm trying not to see it as quacking, I'm trying to be positive and see that maybe he can change. Yet, at the same time, I'm working on my stuff and getting my life squared away.
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Old 06-12-2014, 01:58 PM
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Have you ever just told him, "God, stop talking."?
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Old 06-12-2014, 02:23 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Have you ever just told him, "God, stop talking."?
Bwaahhhaaaa, yes, a long time ago, I tried various methods of communicating, but he got depressed and manipulative with his actions and would pout or give me the silent treatment. Wonder if that would change with real recovery???
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Old 06-12-2014, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Have you ever just told him, "God, stop talking."?
And, to follow this up right now and say, "I should have just done that 5 minutes ago!" I was vacuuming behind the sofa when AH came home from his meeting and he says to me, "You know you're leaving tomorrow right?". "Yes, what does that have to do with my vacuuming habits?" He went on about how it doesn't need to be done and don't I have other things to do, blah blah blah.

UGH, when will I learn to just stop at YES, NO, I don't know, I don't care, mmmhhhmm, that's interesting, etc. I really need to learn to stick to simple 1-2 word answers. Argh.
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Old 06-12-2014, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
My AH would say stuff about the neighbors and give me the impression that he would kill them if he had a gun. It's one of the reasons I won't allow us to have a gun in the house and AH would get all mad and make comments like, "She won't allow me to have a gun." Umm, no, what I said was that I would not live in a house where both you and a gun reside, based on comments that you have made. Since starting on antidepressants, he has not had any paranoia or angry outbursts, so I'm quite thankful for that!

I have to admit, I admire the fact that he's truly throwing himself into recovery. He's been to a meeting every day since last Friday and that's HUGE for him. I'm trying not to see it as quacking, I'm trying to be positive and see that maybe he can change. Yet, at the same time, I'm working on my stuff and getting my life squared away.
Once I came home from work on a Saturday and walked over to a neighbor's yard sale. All hell broke loose when I came inside because I didn't immediately rush in to his loving arms.

Good grief. I thank God for the day I finally said "ENOUGH!"
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