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Old 06-17-2014, 08:52 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Liz,



But, I have to be honest here. This looks to me like the same pattern that's been going on for years now. You get fed up, ready to bail, and he senses it. Then, all of a sudden, he changes his behavior. (Probably out of fear that you are really going to leave this time.) And then you start changing what you're doing, changing your plans, and giving him *another* chance.

It appears to be his M.O. He is a brilliant manipulator who has managed to keep you off balance and holding on to "hope" for a long time
. I really hope I'm wrong about this, but it just looks like another strategy of his from where I sit.

L
I agree
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Old 06-17-2014, 09:14 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
What strikes me as different right now is that AH has repeatedly professed that he's an alcoholic whereas he fought those words for years. He is taking ownership of the damage from the past and is also telling me that he knows there may be too much water under the bridge for our marriage to survive in the future. Basically, I hear more honesty coming from him than ever before in the past and not as much smoke and mirrors and gas lighting crap.
I really hope you are right Liz, for your son's sake if nothing else.

However, my gut tells me this is just another well played card in a long series of manipulations. He's been holding this "ace" up his sleeve for a very, very long time because it's a BIG one & just when you are the closest you've EVER come to independence during this struggle, he decides to use it as trump. After everything that has happened, he's had this unprompted epiphany & is ready to take ownership of everything he denied and/or argued aggressively against previously. Really?

IMO what matters is whether you let it sway you on your boundaries/your goals which is why (again, IMO) you need to be very clear with YOURSELF about how much, how long, what exactly you want out of all of this without waiting to make those decisions based on his recovery success or failure.

I'm really happy for you that things are progressing nicely for your job & your son's schooling! Keep baby stepping!!
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Old 06-17-2014, 09:39 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I really hope you are right Liz, for your son's sake if nothing else. However, my gut tells me this is just another well played card in a long series of manipulations. He's been holding this "ace" up his sleeve for a very, very long time because it's a BIG one & just when you are the closest you've EVER come to independence during this struggle, he decides to use it as trump.
IMO what matters is whether you let it sway you on your boundaries/your goals which is why (again, IMO) you need to be very clear with YOURSELF about how much, how long, what exactly you want out of all of this without waiting to make those decisions based on his recovery success or failure.
Well spoken words of caution. The flip to "I see it now, I am an alcoholic" with a little "our marriage might be too far gone" sprinkled in is a dangerous cocktail for you. It pulls at your need to try harder too. There's no way of knowing what will come until his ACTIONS play out, so the best you can do is proceed cautiously.

In my situation that proclamation re-hooked me, changing the amount of guilt I took on for not being supportive and understanding enough while he "tried" and behaved poorly. I hit the trampoline and started jumping through hoops again, because FireSprite is right-- it's the trump card. It was a game-changer!

In any case, if you keep moving forward in your path, that card can only be played once (if you don't allow it over and over and stick to your own recovery)...so whether it's a bluff or not will show itself, and you'll be ready either way. Keep taking care of you, and please watch with cautious detachment.

I often thought the best recovery for an addict would be that they have to drop off their voice box at a repository and rely only on their actions for a year. It would sure simplify a lot!
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Old 06-18-2014, 08:08 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I really hope you are right Liz, for your son's sake if nothing else.

However, my gut tells me this is just another well played card in a long series of manipulations. He's been holding this "ace" up his sleeve for a very, very long time because it's a BIG one & just when you are the closest you've EVER come to independence during this struggle, he decides to use it as trump. After everything that has happened, he's had this unprompted epiphany & is ready to take ownership of everything he denied and/or argued aggressively against previously. Really?

IMO what matters is whether you let it sway you on your boundaries/your goals which is why (again, IMO) you need to be very clear with YOURSELF about how much, how long, what exactly you want out of all of this without waiting to make those decisions based on his recovery success or failure.

I'm really happy for you that things are progressing nicely for your job & your son's schooling! Keep baby stepping!!
I'm not sure it was unprompted, though. He had been going to a new therapist who had him working through some self help books and having him do assignments at home, etc. He was willingly doing these things and it was all on him, I had said nothing at that point. He had a painfully embarrassing episode while on a business trip 2 weeks ago and that's when he threw himself into AA. I know that the car service who found his phone called his biggest client in San Diego and they called his boss (just using the last few phone numbers to try to find him to get the phone to him) and me, and they were pretty clear about where he left his phone. I know he was quite embarrassed about the whole episode.

The crapstorm at home was just the icing on the cake, but I may be completely wrong. Things still stink here at the house anyway. He hides in his office watching Game of Thrones on Netflix and I tend to life as usual. As has been said to me many times before; only time will tell.....
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Old 06-18-2014, 08:21 AM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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This. Wow.

I prayed every single day for a sign. I realize God was giving me signs the entire time, I just did not want to face that is what it was. Finally, he decided to make it crystal clear to me, and it was.

I now have peace and a great regret that I did not see God's signs for what they were years ago.


Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
LIZ--.....Honestly, I don't see the "sad part" ...from where I sit. The sad part that you talk about (feeling emotionally drained and worn out).....may be your bottom. Just like many addicts have to reach a bottom before seriously embracing real change---may be true for us, also.

You often speak of asking God for a sign. Well, Babe, open your eyes...your sign might be right in front of you.

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Old 06-18-2014, 09:08 AM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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I know I thought to myself, "Really? NOW you suddenly change?"

It seems there is some program in another person that is able to read the truth in another. He is reading your Truth. You have emotionally moved on. I think that is why it seems at the end of a relationship as if it isn't quite fair that they suddenly see the light. The light he suddenly saw was your Conviction. Too late often is.
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Old 07-11-2014, 01:02 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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It's been one month since I started this thread! Wow, RAH is still working his program, still drinking NA beer, and still being very nice and overly kind to us. My son and I just got back from traveling to a few tennis tournaments and now we'll be home for the next 5 weeks before another one comes about where we have to travel.

I have been filled with fear: fear of being on my own financially and that causes me to stay in this house separated from RAH. Fear of facing my issues like trust issues, abandonment issues, and intimacy issues and then fearing the fact that RAH's recovery may push me to have to address those things(not sure why but it seems to pop up in my thoughts). And, of course, there are others, but these are the ones that my brain focuses on.

I realized that I wasn't working my Al Anon program as best as I could be so I've decided to step back up and put myself into program and then re-evaluate in 6 months. I reached out to a few program friends to let them know they'd be hearing from me more often and to see if they were open to it. I think I've been playing around with Al Anon, but not really working it as best as I could be and I realized there's no way I'll find freedom, one way or the other, until I really lay it all out there and work harder to find the answers I am seeking.
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Old 07-11-2014, 01:07 PM
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It sounds like you are prepared to work your side of the street even more so, that's a great thing! I am glad he is still working the program, that too is a great thing.

I hope you have a relaxing weekend!
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Old 07-11-2014, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
It sounds like you are prepared to work your side of the street even more so, that's a great thing! I am glad he is still working the program, that too is a great thing.

I hope you have a relaxing weekend!
Yes, I think I am! He got his 30 day chip but didn't share it with the family. Kinda sad but hopefully he has a supportive home group and gets validation from them.
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