hopeful4

Boo...I too am thinking about you today and hope you are having a peaceful morning doing some nice things for YOU.

Designgirl...welcome to SR. Thank you for sharing. Addicts are deceitful and it is heartbreaking to see what becomes of the lives they shatter. So glad you are working on YOU and doing positive things to get yourself out of that toxic relationship.

Hugs to you both!

thislonelygirl

The worst feeling is having it happen and being taken by surprise by it.
Sorry this happened to you.

OnawaMiniya

((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) for Booo!!!!!!

Booo

Hi, I am doing ok. I have long stretches that feel totally normal and then a crying jag out of nowhere. It's just like grief, when someone dies, you might not feel you are over it, but you feel better and then out of nowhere it seems, a crash. It all just crashes in on you, and all you can do is feel it. I have been told (by him) he is looking at recovery options online. Really best he can do until he gets home. Good for him. He knows the drill. He is accepting of the rules, which seem to be, or really are much more clear with cheating than with alcohol. At least for me. His response of course was first, no more cheating and to make sure of that, not more drinking, and then additional treatment for his OCD, which I don't believe I have mentioned. He had the perfect storm brewing and they all hit at one time. He knows mass casualties are still possible.
Me? Focusing on what is wrong with my life, what I have done wrong for my life, I have had a huge hole of sadness and have been struggling with a remedy for the last few years. I have known the answer (it's job related) for years, but could not face it. I am a workaholic, and I have buried myself in it to hide from all of this BS in my life and in my face. I am a year more under contract work and then I am done, I am finished, my soul is crushed, was crushed even before this happened. I could not and would not focus on that because I keep looking at HIS problems. Thwt was a great way not to look at my own.
I don't know if I have stated here or just journaled that I have been PRAYING for him to hit rock bottom. I didn't care how it happened, I just wanted him to hit it. So this is the form it came in for him. And for me. Am I happy? No, not yet. Am I thankful, yes, today I am. I am almost ok with this road that I am on. I also know that I only have right now as a guarantee and anything can happen tomorrow, so I will just embrace the relative peace of today and thank you so so so much for holding me up when I could not stand. I know I will need you along the way too. Forever thankful for many things today.

I am so willing to learn so much more that I can then give back,

OnawaMiniya

It's awesome that you are looking within for answers, seeing things you can do to lift yourself to higher ground.

We are all with you!

Peace.

JustAGirl1971

Boo, I don't remember if you attend al-anon or if you like to read? If so, I'm working through this al-anon book (Opening our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses.) I've also just started reading this: The Language of Letting Go.

MissFixit

hi

you sound so much better! not quite as in shock.

that is brave of you to look at yourself and what you need to fix in your life as opposed to his. alanon would be beneficial if you are not doing that already.

as far as his bottom goes. (kind of a funny statement) i don't think you know that he has hit it. he got caught cheating and you two are trapped in a cabin. he is likely in shock too and willing to say anything that he needs to in order to smooth things over. actions not words. that is great that he is seeking online help for his addictions (women and alcohol) but he really is just getting started.

the only reason i mention this is because i kept thinking my ex hit his bottom. losing his job (not quite), 4 DUIs (not even close), totaling his boat in the ocean and almost killing 4 people (nope), cheating on me (nadda), losing his house (not there yet), health declining (still no), i honestly don't know if he has a bottom. btw, each time, there were words and actions about how he would quit drinking, follow through with AA or a program and this time was it.

keep your eyes WIDE open and try not to assume that this is the time that he will get better. focus on yourself is really great to counter that.

Booo

Thank you justagirl, I will add those to the list. I have not done alanon in years, but did for years and will resume when I get home as soon as possible, and yes I read! My vacation reading flew out the door a few days ago so now it's all about me me me.

Booo

Missfixit, yes I know and I thank you so much for your reminder. He has had a few things that I thought were rock bottom before too. But this THIS REALLY feels like it, and if it was not his, it was mine.
Nuff said.

Booo

I dont know if this is worth starting another thread, so i will state here. I am trying to get onto another board about infidelity. For whatever reason I have not been approved yet, I can only read other peoples experiences. I am finding that one GA-ZILLION times harder to read than anything over here.
I have stated
Since now I not only have an AH, but a Cheating AH with unchecked OCD, how do I keep up? Do you think SR is enough for me? The OCD is older than the alcoholism, then the booze hit and then the infidelity.
It seems that the number one issue with infidelity is a completely open book, total transparancy.
A complete "no contact" rule. (with the other person/persons)
We have agreed on both of those things. It is difficultl to stay off his e-mail, but I am not obsessed like I have been in looking for bottles.

so the open book, and knowing where he is at all times, etc, that is a bit the opposite of staying on my side of the street, so I am having a hard time on avoiding oncoming traffic. Which lane should I be walking in?
I am still not over the shock, of course, and i am cycling between sadness, crying, anger, indiffrence, but most of the rage is gone. I think all of the pure RAGE is gone.
I dont know if i have stated outloud here, this was so so difficult because I was PREPARED for his drinking, i have had a lifetime of preperation for his drinking. but cheating? That hit me like a knife and an ax and a car, all at one time. I think that is why i could so easily STOMP my food, THROW a fit, MAKE my ultimatium and MEAN IT.

We are talking, he is open, he is still at the "open book" phase. i dread that closing. I dread whatever twists this takes. I dread finding out more, but from all I can see, this reallly is a new issue. I hope not to be proven wrong.
Ok enough rambling.
If there is anyone left listening to me, this is a long bumpy ride and only after reading others stories of cheating, I can see why it was so triggering for so many. thank you.

OnawaMiniya

Big **(**(**(**({HUGS})})})})} to you, Hon
Peace.

DesertEyes

Hello Booo, and pleased to "meet" you

Oh goodness, what a difficult question. When my marriage fell apart due to her pill addiction and affairs SR was nowhere near enough. I went to al-anon meetings every single day, and I met with my sponsor, and I was on SR. I was just in shock and my emotions were a trainwreck.

After a few weeks I started to settle down, and was able to slow down those emotions and not need to vent 24/7. I've heard people say that recovery is like a buffet, everybody needs something different at different times.

No worries, ramble all you want. That's the whole reason we are here. And yes, there's tons of people listening to you. We are all here for you.

Mike

Booo

Desert Eyes, thank you so so much for your story. I have no idea how to balance the two things, one is total transparency (including a gps!!) and the other is a simply work on you
but alanon is the first step when i get home, for me, no matter what.
I have hope that I will find a balance, and the buffet analogy is so true. thank you for your help. Nice to "meet" you too.

Catherine628

Oh Boo I feel the exact same way about the infidelity forum. It actually would make me sick to my stomach to read so I took a break for a few months. Still haven't joined. I do discuss it with my T.

I have had that thought many times that the recommendations for alcoholism and infidelity are polar opposites. I used to monitor the bank acct for alcohol purchases. Now I would be looking for evidence of an affair and what, just ignoring it if I saw liquor purchases?? This was part of why we separated. I felt he needed to get sober first before there could be any hope of working on the relationship.

I don't have any advice just prayers.

peaceofpi

Transparency was difficult for my A because of the desperate need to hide all the liquor transactions. Kept that bank account hidden (until discovery during divorce). In addition to the $27 vodka handles purchased every few days, turned out there were large cash withdrawals the same days as the prostitute sprees.

Summerpeach

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know this pain SO WELL!!! Been there.
I put up with a lot of insane actions from myself and my ex when I was with him and I knew my deal breakers was if he cheated.
Well we were in AA couples therapy, him in AA, me in Al Anon and us in couples therapy and he swore on his kids, his mom, his life and promised me he was not cheating.
I caught him. He was cheating and I left him and never looked back.

I knew I never wanted to be on the "crazy" train of cheating. It was enough being on the crazy train with an addict.
I deserved better and knew I had to get out to save my life.

You have a long road ahead and will never trust him. Most addict cheat.....why? Because their minds are sick.
I wish you all the best in healing

dandylion

I am wondering what is so bad about the infidelity forums that make them "worse" than the addiction forums??

respectfully,
dandylion

Hopeworks

My first husband was a chronic cheater in addition to his addiction issues and when hiding using and women they become such slimy people... the slippery slope of lies and deception destroy their character (which came first the chicken or the egg?).

I gave my first husband a second chance and even a third stupidly because we had small children but I caught him redhanded again....and that was that. I divorced him and never looked back and his slimy ways never changed... 25 years later he contacted his highschool girlfriend and they are now having an affair behind her husband's back! What kind of man tells that sort of thing to his adult children (they are disgusted by him and have no respect or admiration for him as a father).

I tell you this because this man cried oceans of tears and would literally crawl on his knees promising me his undying love when I caught him. Once he was on his knees crying and begging me through my letter slot in my door at my business begging me to take him back (the door was locked) and I am sure he meant it at the time!

But he is a cheater and always will be. He was a liar and decades later he is still a liar. He never went into recovery and still uses drugs too.

Doesn't mean this will be anyone else's story but tears and extreme remorse do not mean much and only an extreme change in one's core character and values would give me a sliver of hope for a lifetime of fidelity possibility. How do you recover trust? I never did... I don't trust men. Just don't...that is my scar tissue that never healed completely and never will most likely.

Booo

I think the infidelity boards are harder for me because this is so new to me. The drinking I was used to, I grew up with alcoholics. But as far as I know my dad was not a cheater, and my first AH was an alcoholic and porn addict but I believe was caught the only time he cheated.
Call me a fool.
I can make up 100 other scenarios but that is what I know.
I knew how bad the drinking was although it was so thing hidden with all three men.
I think I would have felt something, I really do if there was sex going on outside of the home. With my current AH, I felt something wrong in the last few months. I just thought his drinking was accelerating at a rapid pace, so I came here. I am lucky to find here or I don't know where I would have vented.
I will see if the tears and resourse lasts. We have a plan in place. We are packing up now to head home.
I have been reading a lot of stories of couples who have survived this, and come out stronger.
Yes, I do have some sort of hope that can happen. I won't give it 13 years though.
The action plan starts next week.
Miss one step and you are out.

MissFixit

for me the cheating was more intimate (to me) than his drinking. the cheating placed value on me versus other women (not a bottle of liquid). when he cheated i felt like he chose the other woman over me despite my best efforts to keep him/make him happy. i felt i wasn't good enough. working through that kind of crushing self esteem blow was harder than dealing with his alcoholism. however, for me, i NEVER worked through why i was even with an A until the cheating surfaced. what was it about me that i needed/wanted to be with someone who treated me so badly and was so unhealthy...those were the hard questions.

hugs to you Boo