He had an affair. I am obviously blind

Old 12-30-2013, 08:03 PM
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Yes he is locked out for the night. I am done. He is begging me to go to town with him tomorrow. I don't want to go, I am also isolated here but I have the dogs and it's a long way away from them.
He says he'd rather have me scream at him than not talk to him.
So I am now not talking to him.
Thank yiu for listening.
I believe he is sincere in how sorry he is, I will spare you his words, I am sure many of us have heard them.
What I do not know is how you can ever ever ever trust anyone again.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:04 PM
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Oh, Booo, my heart is breaking for you tonight. I have no ES&H...just hugs...hugs...and more hugs. Just breathe & say the serenity prayer...I know this helps to quiet my thoughts. Please be gentle with yourself. His actions have nothing to do with you.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:11 PM
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Boo, I'm glad you have us tonight. I think readerbaby is right. You need to separate yourself from him tonight. Give yourself some space right now. Do you have family or a trusted friend that you have shared this with yet? I know you don't have phone access...but maybe through an email right now? Someone who knows you well, someone you can trust?

I am hurting for you right now. I was caught completely off guard by my xah's affair. Our marriage ended in the precise moment that I found the evidence. He sobbed and begged forgiveness too. For about a day. I got about 2 seconds of satisfaction from it, but it didn't matter. That kind of betrayal cuts deeply, and I am truly sorry you are having to experience this.

We're here for you. I'm sending a lot of prayers up for you. We'll continue to be here for you.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:15 PM
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Oh Boo! Can't tell you how sorry I am that this has happened. I feel just sick for you. This just sucks!

I agree with the general consensus here, you don't have to, and shouldn't keep secrets for him. For your own well being and sanity talk to someone. Tell your closest friends or a therapist, but you must vent.

He can blame it on the booze all he wants, but there is absolutely NO good excuse for bad behavior. NONE! The lies and the deceit are as bad as the act itself.

Hang in there sweetie, you are strong and you'll make it through this.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:18 PM
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Yes I wrote my 2nd best friend tonight. I don't know if I can deal with telling my best friend my email. I am alone in my peace and solitude, a lovely breeze, in my Jammie's, propped up in a cozy bed.
I will see if his remorse lasts.
This is such new territory...so new, I just am like I am on a roller coaster.
I did not beg him to stay, I told him to GO. I will not beg. I will not. God I hate this tablet.
But lucky for you you do not have to go thru the blow by blow.
Do yiu want to know what he said? Or does it matter? Is it quacking?
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:23 PM
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I don't think it matters what he said, unless you want to share. I'm glad to know you contacted someone and are not with him right now.

I will pray that you get some sound sleep tonight. You are going to have a lot to process.

Tablets suck for typing. You don't have to say anything more than you have the energy for right now. Just know that we're here for you.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:31 PM
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Boo, if you have the energy and desire to tell us what he said, then by all means let it all out. It might make you feel a little better.
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:21 PM
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How are you doing Booo?
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:25 PM
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In my initial pizzed stage when I was not throwing things at him, I was never under the impression he could justify what he did..(.and still am not, and will ever be) so I never asked why. No answer would placate me anyway, but I did this, I asked him...what do I say to you every night when I go to bed? And he said "you tell me it's your favorite place to be and your favorite part of the day" and that is true.
He told me that he has never told me, because I am asleep, how he feels. That every morning he wakes up happy and content while watching me sleep. I believe him. He does not articulate much. I told him he hasn't even really had a conversation With me in a very long time. A real intimate conversation, and yet he has time to write love letters, in another language to boot to some broad?
He aske me "who do I love" and I said with all th amores and besos, I would guess it was his GF but what did I know any Freeking more?

He says he has felt old and unattractive (which, my god, he is not) and that I had shut him out.
I told him I was letting him "be" and not forcing him to talk because he has not been very talkative in years actually.

We work, we work on the houses, but we don't sit and talk. I don't demand talking. Despite what you read here I am not a chatty woman. I am quit introspective myself and don't expect my man to talk like women do. Few have the capacity. My girlfriends and I can talk each other's ears off. Men are different, I know.

None of this was accusatory from either side, but I said "you know, you don't want to be intimate intimate is HARD, boffing someone is much easier, and yet I have had many a chance and removed myself from the situation on more than one occasion. I have physically left the building or the room where I felt an inkling of an attraction, reciprocal from another man. I made the choice to leave, and it was not easy but I did it out of respect for yYOU , for us. And he made different choices, I know this just did not "happen""

He agreed that he made terrible choices.
He drinks
Gets depressed
Fell Into old habits.

He told me he felt like I did not want to have sex with him anymore. I told him that was because of the beer and the finances and the stress I have been under, and that foreplay does not just happen in bed.

He works and cooks, he is an amazing cook.

I work and am exhausted and stressed and yet every night I clean up the horrible mess in the kitchen. We have an antique stove so need of repair that it has to be dismantled top to bottom as he has ruined the parts by burning grease in every inch and. It taking too much time to do,that much cleaning.
I have limited hand strength and littely cannot use steel wool to undo the damage.
He kept repeating, "I know I know I know"
He stopped then and I ranted.
He gave me desserts he had picked up in town. He begged me to look at him and talk to him.he was literally begging.
That's when I said "we are starting over or it's over right effing now. You go to her or you write a letter in front of me telling her it's done and thwt you are married and I was sorry but I did not give a sheet if it hurt her feelings.

The letter he wrote to her said
I have a confession, I have a wife of many years who I have betrayed and I am sorry that I lied to you and was such an azzh@le to her. I can never replicate the relationship that I have with her. I have given her the password to this email,and any other you might find, please do not contact me.
He then deleted that account
He swears she does not know his real last name.
But this is a small area and he would be easy to find if she tried hard enough, so he give me his "real" email and facebook passwords too.
He sent me the password to that account(it takes a few days to delete it completely ) he made the new "re activation" email, in case he was to change his mind, (a standard setting from the server) to my account. He gave me passwords and log ins to his business account, he deletes the facebook account that name was under, and again, the deactivation info to my email address.
He said he was relieved that I caught him, that the stress was getting to him. The lying, the emails, and of course this girl/woman/whatever wanted more time, which he says he did not want to give.
I saw the last email from her was that she was with her family out of the country, so I know she is not here.
He also swears she does not have his phone number, but I have access to the bills so this will be easy to trace, unless of course he has another phone, if he has that, it will be in his rectum in no time flat.
My final button, honest to god! one that I never thought would be pushed has been pushed. I am in full activation mode.
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:41 PM
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Im so sorry. I dont think its the alcohol that makes them lying cheats...i think lying cheats tend to drink.
Hugs.
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:51 PM
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God I have just never ever ever pegged him as a cheater. Ever. Ever. We both work from home and are together most days 24/7. I have no idea where he found the time for the one nighter (nooner)
And he could not have seen this woman/girl/whatever me than a few times. It's not like this is ANYWHERE close to home. So they got got together at most that I can tell of my a few times in six months. It is literally impossible for him to have been away from me while at home. He would need to be gone 8 days to get to her and back, so it's only happened here near our 2nd home maybe four days maybe 8? No kore than three trips.
But the emails, my god. That was an emotional affair for sure with short periods of boffing. B8stard.
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Old 12-30-2013, 10:03 PM
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Boo---if Mohammad cannot go to the mountain....sometimes, the mountain might come to Mohammad.........

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Old 12-30-2013, 10:11 PM
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You've now seen a deeper truth to who he is. Selfish, cruel...and I can't use the real adjectives here that come to mind. I pray that you get some kind of decent rest tonight Boo.
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Old 12-30-2013, 10:16 PM
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Im so sorry Booo. I do understand what you are going through to a certain extent. My husband had an affair (lasted months) when he was actively using drugs, drinking the whole bit. We were not living together at the time, but not officially apart if that makes sense.... I found out through a friend who thought I should know he had moved a girlfriend in with him.

Its a horrible pain, and I don't think you can do much but feel it. Feel all the feelings, ask all the questions, give yourself time to sort it all out. There was anger, hurt, fear, insecurities, pain, and lots of crying. I also never thought my husband would cheat, or have a long standing affair because we were best friends, connected at the soul is what I always believed.

He too was very remorseful and has done everything he can to be forgiven, make amends, prove his love. Marriage counseling helped us the most so consider it when some of the feelings tone down a bit. It gave me a lot of insight into my husbands emotional state, as well as his state of mind during the time of his addiction. He felt abandoned and alone, insecure, and tried to fix himself with someone else who told him he was wonderful, and didn't care about the drugs (because she used too). Anyway, I know in our case it was the drugs... that caused him to cheat, and we have worked through it now and the relationship is stronger for all the work.

Im so sorry for what your going through. Please take care of yourself, don't deny your feelings. Talk to your friends or family who are close because you need to have people to lean on. I would also suggest private therapy as an outlet - helped me tremendously. I think only time will direct your next steps.
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Old 12-30-2013, 10:16 PM
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Alcoholism does not cause infidelity any more than it causes profanity.

Affairs are not just about sex they are about doing something "forbidden". It's an adrenal rush and role playing plus sex..

All cheaters are liars and he must have been pretty good at it.
It would seem He had planned this or there would not be a "fake FB account".
He is lying to you and to her (She does not know his last name). You may have all his passwords now, (and I say may) how do you know he will not just create a new account? Were there profiles on dating sites?...but even if not..This one has been going on for 6 months..that's no ONS.

He is only sorry he got caught-you in essence "forced" him to write that letter, he did not break up with this woman on his own. He wrote the letter to passify you and seemed not to care about this woman's feelings either. This woman who wanted more time with him.. he certainly was able to discard very quickly... (after 6 months, would she not ALSO not be devastated by him if she truly believed he was courting her??) Will she not want a confrontation of her own when she gets back in the country?

Did the chats indicate a serious flavor to the affair? Does he work? Do they have contact there or through computers at work?

I know this hurts, but you really need to take a serious look back in the memory bank and see if you honestly believe this was the 1st time this has happened. And it would take a lot more than His promise to convince me it would not happen again. Afterall there seem to be lots of secrets in this relationship.

It also would not hurt to be tested for STD's. Talk to your Dr. Some have a long dormant periods and may give a false positive. With the serious nature of HIV and other diseases out there today-infidelity risks his/your life.

What about Trust? How important is it? Use your brain and ask yourself the hard questions and answer them honestly to yourself. What I think or anyone else does not really matter. What can you live with or what are you willing to settle for..Can you not let resentments eat your lunch? If you were not particularly keen on sex with him BF, how will that be now? This will take time to process..In the meantime protect yourself financially. I fear there is a long emotional road ahead for you. Take the time to sort this out, you will need time to heal regardless of what path you take.
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Old 12-30-2013, 10:58 PM
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I can tell that you are really hurting. It is SO hard when someone betrays our trust.

That being said, the very NEXT thing you should do is arrange to get tested for STDs. I know, I know....that part is almost the cherry on the cake of the whole crappy affair. But it is not worth getting sick, infertile or even dying because your husband couldn't keep it in his pants.

And please DO NOT become intimate with him until he has been tested as well. If he wants to kill himself with alcohol or women, that is his business. But you don't need to suffer for it.
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:14 PM
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Nope it's someone he met here (a loooooooong drive, days from our home) in July.

I could give a crop about how she feels. I gave him the ultimatum dump her NOW or get out NOW. I told him to give me the keys and I would leave NOW if he did not dump her NOW, and I don't care at all how she feels. Not one bit. I don't know her, I don't want to know here, but I will sure recognize her phone number if she calls, by country code alone.
she was in none of his other email accounts. This was a fake name he had on his acct.
Which is what got my attention.
There is a language barrier, a phone call would have been futile and cost a fortune,have the phone bills which I will pour over and I have been wracking and wracking and wracking my brain, I matched up the date of his one after noon affair, he left to do outside work. We both work at home. He could never have anyone to the house. I am always there. The one afternooner..it ..it was just that. An ad out of, of all things a free paper. He wrote thwt he had a fun time and she never wrote him back, god it was sickening.

It was one of his summer spirals, beer lead to more, more lead to depression, I think I have covered his slight mental issues, maybe not. I write novels as it is, and have not included eveyrthing.
He's been quit protective of this laptop on the trip and if you look at my old posts, and I told him this, I thought some of his secrecy had been perhaps he was working a program or reading a book on alcohol. He has been more quiet and withdrawn than normal. But I detached from that and have had a great time anyway.

I spend enough time HERE online to THINK he could possibly be doing something much the same, like finding some sort of program...but now.. Yes I gave him a huge benefit of the doubt. I thought he was a good man with a drinking problem, but no
He was planning dates to get together but she is not here, gone for the holiday.
I threw the book at him tonight, or I might say, the only thing I did not physically throw at him. Never did I ever think I had this much anger. Never. And hurt, from a man I love deeply and without regret, who caters to my every whim, takes care of the mundane that I cannot handle, he has been my knight in so many ways. and now this. I never ever thought this.
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Old 12-30-2013, 11:16 PM
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Oh I brought up the std'/ and that is the first place e are going when we get home. He swears there were condoms, but what good is his word. He's afraid of counseling as he is convinced the therapist will tell me to leave him. I can't say I disagree. But I am sick about banging my head on the wall.
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Old 12-31-2013, 04:42 AM
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Booo, I am so sorry. There is no pain quite like this. Breathe, and take care of yourself physically. This is taking a huge toll on your body, and it will need extra care to carry you through. And know that you WILL get through, although you can't see that right now.

You need to decide nothing at this point. And he gets no decision-making power on your behalf, unless you choose that. I strongly suggest doing some reading. Shirley Glass' book, Not Just Friends, is a good one.

I agree that an MD check is important, and I also suggest setting aside some funds just for you, just in case. Again, you need decide NOTHING now.

I can't even get into the links between addiction, lying, and infidelity because it's still a rough subject for me - just know that his actions do not reflect upon you. Again, I am so sorry. You are not alone.
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Old 12-31-2013, 04:46 AM
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good morning boo,

i really do feel for you. i hate that you are going through this. i wish no one ever had to be cheated on. the blow to the gut made me sick. i don't think i ate for 6 weeks.

i found it really helpful to stay in reality as best i could since what i thought had been my life was really a bunch of lies. things seemed so confusing to me. i would not put much stock in anything he says right now, including the girlfriend stuff. he is busted and wants to appease you. he might agree to your terms right now, but there really isn't any substance behind it. he has to change (words not actions) on his own independent of you and anything you force him to do. otherwise it is just more confusion thrown into the mix. more lies that he is doing the right things that you want him to do. that leads to more hurt later when he doesn't follow through.

also, i know you don't give a crap about her. but, part of staying in reality means seeing what's what. your husband is the liar and cheat, not that other woman. he lied to and cheated on her too. of course your pain in greater, but it doesn't sound like she was at fault. it sounds like you found info that there were other women as well. husband created bogus facebook and email accounts to correspond with women. what a psycho pervert.

i might resist the urge to rationalize his deceit by analyzing how he was unhappy or that sex wasn't happening with you two. he is a liar, not you. there is nothing you did or didn't do to deserve him cheating on you. if he was unhappy, then he should have left. he didn't, chose to cheat instead. coward too. that is all about him and his messed up way of dealing with life. kind of like his alcoholism. selfishness, immaturity and all about him.

i hate this for you. but having been in your shoes, taking some time away from him to think might be really good and helpful for you. can you or he leave the house today and go home?
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