wysiwyg

For those who split from their As, would you mind sharing what the first few months or years were like for you? I see many stories here of people who are either still with their As for various reasons (and I don't judge anyone's situation), or who have moved on without their As and have found joy, contentment, and peace.

I'm hoping to hear about other people's experiences during the in-between stage - there's no going back to the relationship as it's damaged beyond repair, but every day is a struggle to figure out your place in the world, navigating life as a newly single person (especially after a long term VERY codependent relationship), learning about (and enforcing) healthy boundaries, etc.

Long story short: I left the situation with my AX several weeks ago and have been NC for the past two. And I have NO CLUE if I'm doing anything right! How do you learn to prioritize when you're doing it all on your own for the first time? How do you know you're taking care of yourself the way you deserve? Is it really just "doing the next right thing", over and over, day in and day out, hoping for the best?

Thank you for any insight!

DesertEyes

Yup, that was me.

uh-huh. Me again.

Had no clue what that was.

Totally identify.

First off, I have to qualify a bit. I separated from my ex when I had only a couple months in al-anon. There was _so_ much I still had to learn. Getting a sponsor, working the steps, lots of meetings, made a _huge_ difference. For me it was like taking a class in how to live in the real world. I strongly recommend not doing it alone, any kind of recovery; therapy, CODA, church based, whatever, is way better than doing a "Lone Ranger".

I used the cutesy slogans of al-anon as my "measuring stick". I would worry about investing for retirment, the slogan is "One day at a time". So I made a list of what I needed to find out about investing and did _one_ of those items each month, instead of all in one day.

I shared in meeting that I was having trouble in exactly those areas you mention, and asked if peeps would share how _they_ were doing it.

My sponsor taught me that the more emotional I got about an issue, the more I was doing it wrong. Trust my own feelings as to what was important, rather than try to do _everything_ perfect _today_.

For me, _any_ kind of self care was better than what I had done before. That's the "Progress not Perfection" slogan. I don't have to take care of myself the way I deserve, I just have to take care of myself a _little_ better than before.

Not for me. What my sponsor taught me is that it is _not_ "doing the next right thing". The way it's suposed to be is "Doing the next thing, right."

Hoping for the best did not work for me either. That is just my "all or nothing" thinking going off into expectations of perfection. Instead of hoping, I took _action_. Instead of the "best", I took actions to do things that made my life _today_ just a little bit better.

I got myself a Xmas tree. But a little one, not a huge monster that would trigger my perfectionism. Instead of ornaments I used little butterflies, to remind me of the al-anon slogan about the caterpillar. I took myself out to lunch once a week, with a good book. Just to give myself a little bit of me time. I did lots of _small_ things, without aiming for perfect goals, just for the small improvement that small things brought.

And I did not do it perfectly. I got into a rebound relationship way too soon, but sticking close to the meetings and listening to their experience ( even if not following their lead ) and we were able to untangle ourselves from that rebound and years later we are still good friends.

I think the biggest lesson I had to learn was that I did not become a lost codie over night, it took me a couple decades to slowly slide into that pit. I was not going to "unlearn" all those habits overnight.

Mike

Florence

My STBXAH liked to cut and run, so I found myself alone here and there for the last couple of years we were together. It was very painful. I couldn't believe that this was my life. It was embarrassing and nightmarish overall.

Once we split for good, I felt very lost and numb at first. It didn't feel real. I was going to work and taking care of the kids like normal, but I was still in shock. I had to make very conscious decisions about what to do next. I made goals around cleaning up my house and really being gentle with myself. I also had a therapist that taught me how to meditate and helped me through the grieving process.

We have been apart for over a year now and I am just starting to feel like myself again. A more vulnerable self, maybe, but me. Give it time. One day at a time.

Xxx

wysiwyg

Yes! I've been seeing a great therapist for about 8 months, and have been trying to make it to at least one meeting a week for the past month. I'd be even more lost without those things! Gotta get on top of working with a sponsor, sooner than later.

Love this idea. I really want to start start saving for a house in my neighborhood. This approach sounds ideal.

This is brilliant!

Indeed, I often have to remind myself that I'm already treating myself many times better than I ever have in the past.

I like this even more. Funny how a sentence's meaning completely changes by switching the order of two words.

My therapist has often reminded me that many of my codie habits were put in place loooooong before the A entered my life. So yeah, I'm definitely not going to "unlearn" them in a few short weeks or months!

Thank you for the thoughtful reply, Mike! This was super helpful.

wysiwyg

Thank you, Florence. The final few months living with my AX were unbearably painful and embarrassing. Now that I'm out, I do feel numb quite often, just going through the motions of work, family stuff, etc. I think I need to start setting small goals for self-care and housekeeping now that I'm in a new place of my own. I'm trying to practice mindfulness and allowing myself to feel and release my emotions. I think I'm getting better at that the more I practice, which is awesome - I've stuffed down 30 years worth of emotions, so allowing myself to feel and release them is powerful stuff!

I used to think vulnerability = pure weakness, thanks to my upbringing. Now I'm seeing my vulnerability as a source of power and strength, if I can sit with it and embrace it. I'm confident that time will heal this wound - even in the two weeks that I've been NC with AX I feel like I've grown in ways I never imagined possible!

ladyscribbler

I'm hoping to hear about other people's experiences during the in-between stage - there's no going back to the relationship as it's damaged beyond repair, but every day is a struggle to figure out your place in the world, navigating life as a newly single person (especially after a long term VERY codependent relationship), learning about (and enforcing) healthy boundaries, etc.

Wow, awesome question. I'm at a similar place. A few months split, trying to do all the right things right now to fix myself so I can be a real grownup person for the first time in my life. LOL.
Thanks for all the responses. One Day at a Time. Yeah. Baby steps. Yeah.
I really needed this, though I have nothing much to contribute to the thread but gratitude.

LifeRecovery

I think the previous answers state a lot of my experience too.

I have a couple things to add. Mainly I did myself no good by beating myself up that I was not in a "different" place. These things take time, and I was doing myself no favors by expecting myself that I would be done in days, weeks or months. There was an affair involved in the ending of my relationship and I heard on that side of recovery that it would take 2-5 years for full healing. That was a good thing for me to hear because it allowed me to not have it all figured out yesterday.

I also found that I did better when I kept myself open to possibilities for recovery. I did a grief group that helped, a meditation course, Al-Anon, individual therapy, I continued with my marriage counselor for a bit etc. All provided healing and support. Prior to this I have often "followed" the rules and it was freeing to not to.

Finally I think I only realized in retrospect that this relationship and it ending has helped me to heal from not just that relationship, but my ways of being in the past......that is a lot to hold. When I see it that way though I can appreciate how hard it was, how much energy it takes, and how complicated it is. Prior to that realization I only beat myself up....because who can't do self-care.....that sounds ridiculous.

wysiwyg

*nods head* This is exactly where I'm at. I got with my AX not long after moving out of my childhood home and quickly settled into playing the same role with my A that I did with my parents, so I carried over many of the same immature behaviors into the new relationship. I spent my childhood emotionally caretaking my own parents, and I fell fast and hard into doing that for my AX. My parents provided a roof over my head, food, and clothes, but I was the one taking care of everyone emotionally. And I repeated that exact same dynamic with my AX.

So I'm also learning how to be a "grownup" for the first time. I have to provide the roof, clothes, and food, and I have to take care of myself emotionally before anything else. It's a very novel and strange space to occupy at this point in my life!

wysiwyg

Yup. Once I finally accepted that the relationship was doomed, I spent months beating myself up for not being in a better place, for financially relying on the AX, for not putting my needs first, for not seeing him as he truly was all these years, for not taking the loss and cutting ties years ago. My AX had an inappropriate relationship with a coworker towards the end as well. I'm trying my best to be good to myself at this point, because it's going to take a lot of work and patience to process that in a healthy way.

Same here. I mentioned in another thread that I think this relationship had to implode in order for me to become a stronger, more sane person, all on my own, and to finally work through issues from my upbringing that have been holding me back all along.

Ifnotforgrace

I finally realized I had been married by myself for the last couple of years anyway and had not only been taking care of me but him and all the other responsibilities as well. Having only me to look after was actually freeing and a bit of a relief.

I changed jobs, moved to a different city and went from a college town to a rural small town setting. It was culture shock, but I made adjustments. I had fears, but I had been so unhappy where I was, I figured the worst that could happen was I could end up unhappy someplace new. There were good days, and not so good days.

I knew my marriage was OVER. Regardless of what he choose to do (even had he become Pope) I was not going back-so there was no direction for me but "onward and upward". The only regret I have was in not leaving sooner. I know several people who lament "what could/should have been" but I don't know one blessed soul..who regrets getting out of the chaos of addiction/alcoholism.

Today I am in a healthy marriage (though I was single for awhile) of 10 yrs. I finally learned that as I got healthy, I attracted healthy. I learned to look for a partner who SHARED my character, interests and I had a certain criterion for being in a relationship..not just "because I was lonely". I began to Live..LIVE not just exist, or survive. When I did that the "let live" for others just happened, I was too busy Living my own life to spend time "fixing" or "worrying" about how others were living. I began to enjoy my own company, trust my own judgment and surround myself with positive people who were not addicts/alcoholics. (The world is full of em--) There are good, healthy people out there. I did a lot of internal work on me and found that what makes a good relationship is not "caregiving" or having someone "take care" of me, but that the marital bliss..comes from SHARING my happiness with another.

Today my normal, average (what some might call boring) life is to me heaven on earth and I shall never take it for granted. Healing is a process and takes time, there is a "grief" period, but just like in our recovery..we must be proactive and work towards our goals before we can achieve them.

suncatcher

Ifnotforgrace, loved your post! That is pretty much the track I am on now thankfully! Spent 22 years in a caretaker role in my first marriage then went on to a codependent/alcoholic relationship for 5 years after my divorce. With a lot of soul searching and educating myself I am learning to enjoy my own company and not feel the need to caretake, rescue or have someone take care of me. It does take time but we eventually get there! I still have some work to do but I can see the change from where I was a year ago and it is a positive one! Wysiwyg, sounds like you are doing remarkably well! Keep taking care of you and good things will happen! I remember being thrilled when I bought a weed eater and put it together and used it for the first time! I think that was when I first started to feel pretty darn good about myself for a change!

Ifnotforgrace

When I moved to the "country" It was in January. I had never had a gas space heater in my life. I had spent all day moving and setting up a waterbed that was cold as ice. There was this huge blower unit in my family room that had to be lit. It was just me a my new puppy in the house. I told the puppy I might blow us to kingdom come but I was not going to freeze to death. Took me about an hour to figure out how to open the vent to where the gas controls were, I turned on the gas and lit a match poof and soon we were warm-had to sleep in the family room that night, cause the water bed had not had time to heat up, but we made it.

Then the first week end I discovered I had a water leak. Went to the phone book to call a plumber (phone book for this small city was less than 50 pages including the ads. There was one (count em one) plumber listed. I dialed the number..Disconnected. Geez. Went outside got a shovel and started digging. Went to the hardware store bought a hacksaw and a T and some glue..fixed the leak myself. HUMGOWA I would not have traded places with a Kennedy. I felt so empowered. I was a true pioneer woman.

Have not looked back, I learned to fish, shoot a gun and plant a garden. I bought a used chest freezer and canned vegetables and learned to drive a stick shift and back up a trailer. Today I will mess with most anything other than wallpaper and electricity. Necessity is the mother of invention so I learned and I am a more confident person because of it.

wysiwyg

Ifnotforgrace and suncatcher - thank you for your replies! Sorry it took a few days to respond. I'm so grateful for everyone's responses, it's helpful beyond measure! I'm on my phone so I won't leave a very long comment, just wanted to thank everyone for their perspectives!