He had an affair. I am obviously blind
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Booo 
Oh I brought up the std'/ and that is the first place we are going when we get home. He swears there were condoms, but what good is his word. He's afraid of counseling as he is convinced the therapist will tell me to leave him. I can't say I disagree. But I am sick about banging my head on the wall.
He has screwed you over, in more ways than the obvious.
What a dirty, disgusting piece of crap he is.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
oh my god I remember the feelings you are describing......please take care of yourself, be with people you trust and that love you. because when the anger wears off it I like you are falling into a black hole. Im so so sorry....no one deserves the feeling of being tossed aside.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
It breaks my heart and just reminds me of when I went through it. Some days I could not even get out of bed. He was my focus. Then I got cancer and everything shifted. I am not saying God gave me cancer but its odd that now that i am in remission I can see things clearly now...
You are going to survive. You cannot understand it now because the pain is so overwhelming. Youre running through every detail in your mind and the simple fact is you will never fully understand because you are not the active A. All you can do is get through one hour at a time. Then make it to the next day. Then little by little, it will get easier. Before you know it, it will have been months! Please start taking care of yourself and use every support system available to you. Be courageous and you can do it...we are all here to support you!
You are going to survive. You cannot understand it now because the pain is so overwhelming. Youre running through every detail in your mind and the simple fact is you will never fully understand because you are not the active A. All you can do is get through one hour at a time. Then make it to the next day. Then little by little, it will get easier. Before you know it, it will have been months! Please start taking care of yourself and use every support system available to you. Be courageous and you can do it...we are all here to support you!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Booo
God I have just never ever ever pegged him as a cheater. Ever. Ever.
Glad you can come HERE, to this safe place, and to your loved ones. Don't protect the son of a b****.
Originally Posted by Booo
But the emails, my god. That was an emotional affair for sure with short periods of boffing. B8stard.
Nope. YOU call the shots now, honey. YOU.
You do whatever you want. You don't have to stay with this guy. Or keep his dirty secrets.
Sending many, many hugs and love.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by iamthird
It breaks my heart and just reminds me of when I went through it. Some days I could not even get out of bed. He was my focus. Then I got cancer and everything shifted. I am not saying God gave me cancer but its odd that now that i am in remission I can see things clearly now...
You are going to survive. You cannot understand it now because the pain is so overwhelming. Youre running through every detail in your mind and the simple fact is you will never fully understand because you are not the active A. All you can do is get through one hour at a time. Then make it to the next day. Then little by little, it will get easier. Before you know it, it will have been months! Please start taking care of yourself and use every support system available to you. Be courageous and you can do it...we are all here to support you!
You are going to survive. You cannot understand it now because the pain is so overwhelming. Youre running through every detail in your mind and the simple fact is you will never fully understand because you are not the active A. All you can do is get through one hour at a time. Then make it to the next day. Then little by little, it will get easier. Before you know it, it will have been months! Please start taking care of yourself and use every support system available to you. Be courageous and you can do it...we are all here to support you!
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 18
Boo, coming from a male alcoholic I can attest to the fact that "alcohol" led me to seek support outside my marriage. I was with my wife for 12 years married for 7 and in those 12 years she put up with A LOT from me. Drunken nights, passing out, etc. Slowly our marriage started to change.....she started losing respect for me. Don't get me wrong she loved me way too much but my drinking simply caused to many problems. I thought I was "fine". We would have a big argument after one of my binge sessions then a few days later I would smooth it all over with her. Slowly sexual relations were straining, affection was disappearing, and then there she was. A girl at work...so beautiful, caring, and fun. The relationship started out easy enough...a joke here, a joke there....then one day I went to bed thinking of this other woman and woke up and she was the first thing on my mind. Then my wife caught me talking to her on the phone. I blamed her and she blamed herself (but looking back it was my addiction to alcohol that changed everything and was to blame in a sense). My wife gave me 3-4 chances but it was too late. The girl at work was married and still is. We no longer talk but I'm divorced, two small children......I got out on my own then got into driving trouble due to alcohol twice. The first time I still said "I've got this under control". Sure my actions were my own but the root cause of my issues were my addiction to alcohol that negatively changed my life that led me to step out of my marriage. I loved my wife and still do but its too late for she and I. I look forward to my next relationship and pray that it can be a sober one. I'm 41 and my last sober relationship was when I was 17 and in high school. So I'm not even sure how it will work. I'm excited for the chance of a mutually respectful and affectionate relationship. Sorry this happened to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Boo-
It was an affair that finally got me dealing with the alcohol/addiction in my relationship.
I don't know if alcohol and affairs are linked except in one way....they both made me FEEL crazy, out of control and like I was crawling out of my skin.
It has been one of the most challenging daunting things to deal with in my life.
I have found that as I recover from one side of things, I recover on the other. SR, and websites like if for affairs helped. Reading books about addiction and affairs helped. I found Al-Anon and the tools I learned in there amazing in helping my recovery from the affair.
The most important thing this dilemna created was it forced me to keep the focus on me. That does not mean that I did not rant, rave and feel nuts about my husband, I did. I had to learn though that I was entiled to my feelings, that I was responsible for my actions around my feelings, and that if the marriage was saved or not mattered less than if I kept my head up and through it could feel proud of myself.
I don't even remember much of the first three weeks after I found out about the affair. What can you do for yourself, today, just one small thing that you would call self-care?
It was an affair that finally got me dealing with the alcohol/addiction in my relationship.
I don't know if alcohol and affairs are linked except in one way....they both made me FEEL crazy, out of control and like I was crawling out of my skin.
It has been one of the most challenging daunting things to deal with in my life.
I have found that as I recover from one side of things, I recover on the other. SR, and websites like if for affairs helped. Reading books about addiction and affairs helped. I found Al-Anon and the tools I learned in there amazing in helping my recovery from the affair.
The most important thing this dilemna created was it forced me to keep the focus on me. That does not mean that I did not rant, rave and feel nuts about my husband, I did. I had to learn though that I was entiled to my feelings, that I was responsible for my actions around my feelings, and that if the marriage was saved or not mattered less than if I kept my head up and through it could feel proud of myself.
I don't even remember much of the first three weeks after I found out about the affair. What can you do for yourself, today, just one small thing that you would call self-care?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 65
Oh Booo, I am so sorry to read this - my soon to be XAH did this to me as well before he left and I tired hard for the first 8 months to keep over looking the messages I kept finding and he always said it was only friendship or stress and he was reaching out to her or I had been putting pressure on him or it was a Tuesday ot whatever else. Again, like you this was a man I would have put my head on a block for as not being the cheating type but I lived and learned. I can so feel your pain. I wish I hadn't tried to over look the increasingly intimate messages the third or fourth time that I found them - I wish I had drawn a line in the sand then. But if wishes were horses. I can so feel and relate to your apin and shock. I am sending you light and love. All I can say is that I stopped covering for him and talking to people has helped me enormously, I still feel shamed, heart broken and worthless but talking about it with my freinds and family and an addiction specialist helps me work out my feelings a little bit and ergo I hope that it will ad my eventual recovery. Your friends, like mine, will be shocked but will only want to support and love you, no matter what happens.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
I never want to relive that night, I had two hour sleep, we were in two separate bedrooms, at one point he was out my door.
Praying for forgjveness,
It's 3 months and two physical contacts which almost corresponds with his weepy break down time at home
Sorry no sleep makes me a bad typist,
At another point I went down stairs and demanded his phone which he handed over immediately.
I told to re activate that email account. I had tried so many times that I locked it.
He's gone for the day, as I watched the sun come up
I am making no sense, but he's gone for the day. Bastard.
,
Praying for forgjveness,
It's 3 months and two physical contacts which almost corresponds with his weepy break down time at home
Sorry no sleep makes me a bad typist,
At another point I went down stairs and demanded his phone which he handed over immediately.
I told to re activate that email account. I had tried so many times that I locked it.
He's gone for the day, as I watched the sun come up
I am making no sense, but he's gone for the day. Bastard.
,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
i know you are suffering.
whatever he says right now really means nothing. i would not believe anything. both of you are in shock and will be for a little while. nothing will make you feel better right now except maybe unloading on a friend or physically exhausting yourself to the point where you go to sleep.
whatever he says right now really means nothing. i would not believe anything. both of you are in shock and will be for a little while. nothing will make you feel better right now except maybe unloading on a friend or physically exhausting yourself to the point where you go to sleep.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Hi, sweetheart.
He is gone for the day.
Do one thing - just one, small thing even - to take good care of yourself.
Give yourself just a little break from the pain - it will still be there (I'm sorry).
Tell yourself that for five minutes, you are going to focus on doing something loving for yourself.
The physical stress that that kind of emotion causes is very real.
Breathe. Love yourself.
Pamper yourself.
Eff him.
Peace.
He is gone for the day.
Do one thing - just one, small thing even - to take good care of yourself.
Give yourself just a little break from the pain - it will still be there (I'm sorry).
Tell yourself that for five minutes, you are going to focus on doing something loving for yourself.
The physical stress that that kind of emotion causes is very real.
Breathe. Love yourself.
Pamper yourself.
Eff him.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Booo
At another point I went down stairs and demanded his phone which he handed over immediately.
I told to re activate that email account. I had tried so many times that I locked it.
I told to re activate that email account. I had tried so many times that I locked it.
As hard as it is, I hope you can stop your quest to discover more about his cheating, or to try to stop anything else from happening. It may seem important in this moment, but there probably isn’t anything more to know right now, except that you need to have yourself tested for STD's. The emotional damage has been done. He has proven who he is, and you are already in a state of trauma.
Anything else you discover just adds to your memory bank of pain that will continue to resurface in your mind for a very long time. It won’t change him, it won’t undo what has already been done, and it won’t ease your pain.
I did some things following my discovery of xah’s affair that, in hindsight, were of no value to me. Even after I knew our marriage was over…which was in the very instant I discovered his affair… I was emotionally obsessed with the affair. Even though it was HIS character and HIS drinking that allowed him to cheat, I carried the weight of a failed marriage on MY soul. I looked through old phone records, carbon copies of old checks, old receipts, went through trash cans looking for evidence. I guess I was trying to prove to myself that what had happened was ‘real’ even though I already had all the evidence I needed….I already knew he was a lying, cheating, alcoholic, family-abandoning “husband.”
The problem was that I found more evidence every time I looked. All it did was kept the pain alive in my already breaking heart and soul. And it added to my memory bank of pain.
I also hope that you can go somewhere safe right now and just be with trusted family or friends. There is no shame in what has happened to you. You did not cheat. You did not lie. You did not abuse alcohol. He did all of those things, and now it is time to put the focus on your healing.
There will be things that you can do to look inside yourself, to start healing yourself…but those things will be stunted if you are still in his presence and trying to deal with his issues.
My employers graciously gave me four months of leave within a week of my discovery of his affair. I was a complete and total wreck and I had three babies to care for. I packed us up and flew many states away to be with my family. My family cared for our basic needs (cooking, child care, laundry, etc.) and gave my babies and me heaps of love and attention…while I did my best to regroup, refocus, and put a new plan for our life in place.
Physically, I was drained. Emotionally, I was drained. I lost 20 lbs. without even thinking about it…even though I was constantly eating because I was breastfeeding my 3 month old baby. I had to provide nourishment for her so I ate, but I never had an appetite. Please nourish your body.
Try to sleep as much as you can. If it means finding some sleep aids, natural or prescription, please get sleep. You will need it.
Please, please, please just take care of yourself right now. He has made his bed, he can deal with the fallout of his consequences. Please don’t allow him anymore power in your precious life right now.
Thinking about you and praying for you, Booo.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Indiana, IL
Posts: 424
It is amazing that none of the replies has said this. Hitting him is domestic violence and not okay regardless of the horrible cheating he has done. If you were a man and hit the wife posters here would be in a outrage.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Upsetneedhelp,
I understand your point of view.
However, unless they are one of the heterosexual couples in the minority, she is not nearly as strong as he is.
She also did not put him through the Hell of alcoholism and cheating.
While I understand your point, I don't think this is the appropriate time or place to mention it.
People can only take so much pain inflicted on them before they snap.
And I doubt he will suffer any real wounds.
Peace.
Edit: Not saying it was the best thing to do. But I do understand. And I don't believe that being judged right now is appropriate.
I understand your point of view.
However, unless they are one of the heterosexual couples in the minority, she is not nearly as strong as he is.
She also did not put him through the Hell of alcoholism and cheating.
While I understand your point, I don't think this is the appropriate time or place to mention it.
People can only take so much pain inflicted on them before they snap.
And I doubt he will suffer any real wounds.
Peace.
Edit: Not saying it was the best thing to do. But I do understand. And I don't believe that being judged right now is appropriate.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Upsetneedhelp----I thought it...but, didn't say it......kind of chicken of me, I was afraid of the backlash that I would receive. My bad.
I thank you for addressing this subject. I understand the DESIRE to do it--but it is wrong for anyone to do it---outside of self defense or to save a life.
dandylion
I thank you for addressing this subject. I understand the DESIRE to do it--but it is wrong for anyone to do it---outside of self defense or to save a life.
dandylion
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