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Old 07-12-2013, 10:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I don't know how to let it go....


It's been a couple months since I posted on here with an introduction. It really helped me vent and it got me thinking and believing in myself again. But it all fell apart on me. I can't let go. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for some time....

I am still unemployed after so many job applications and a few interviews. I feel like NO is the magical word in my life. NO you can't have a job. NO you can't have a car anymore (it's old and just today it has officaily died) NO you cant have "real" friends. NO your partner won't stop drinking. NO nobody to hug you or talk to you. NO NO NO NO NO.

I made money at a garage sale and selling my home-made items. Not much but my boyfriend coned it out of me. The little money I had...he took because he drank HOUNDREDS of dollars away in the past 2 weeks. So again, rent is due and we are 2 weeks behind and I KNOW he is going to drink his money away this weekend....again...

OOOH we fight constantly. I am sick of the lies, deciet, anger and hostility. I havn't been kissed or hugged in years. I get "why would I want to have sex with you?! You're sucking someone's dick!!" -sigh- or "if you weighed 100 pounds you would be hot, but you don't so I don't even bother"
I have not been with anyone else and I constantly get accused of cheating.
Or being overweight, or not making money, or not seeing to his needs.

He commanded I no longer talk to his friends anymore because "You're retarded and I told them not to talk to your retarded A#$" "if you do that again I am just going to go to the Titty Bar"

"I can do whatever I want, when I want, and I am. Because I earned it. And if I choose to drink I will. You don't have a say because you don't have a job"

I am just at my wits end.

I don't know what to do. WHY am I holding on to him????? Why do I still, do I DARE say it...? Care or love this guy?

How do I let go!!
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Old 07-12-2013, 10:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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It's hard. Sometimes, it's really REALLY hard.

You have a decision to make. It requires some hard honest truths. Are you really ready to let go? Only you can answer that question. We can give you advice, share our experiences with you, but when it comes right down to it...only you can decide if you have really had enough.

When you have had enough, it won't matter what he says or what he promises. You will just be done. Being done is a very freeing feeling. You will know in your heart and soul that you won't be swayed, no matter what.

When you reach that point, you will know. It will be final. You will do whatever it takes to save yourself. Much like the addict knows when he is done. He will be willing to do whatever is necessary to save himself.

You should strive to take care of yourself. He will survive because that's what addicts do.
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Old 07-12-2013, 10:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Sounds like you've hit your rock bottom. People around here and at al-anon teach the 3Cs. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control his drinking and you can't cure it. You can read around the forums here gain some sense as to why your alcoholic BF thinks you are cheating, is constantly lying (living a lie in fact) and more.

What you can control is you. When we are in a relationship with an alcoholic we also get sick, and weak. You aren't doing him or you any favors by staying.

People also speak about detaching here, being able to walk away from the mess. The point of this is to become stronger and start taking care of yourself again.

You must be pretty convinced you are in a bad situation that isn't getting better. No more talking, no more arguing, no more engaging him, no more stressing about it, it's decision time. Do I put up with this hell hole or do I exit.

How do you let go? By focusing on you and not the relationship. Take time to read all the posts here, they are motivating and will help get you on the right track.
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sistina, you need to dump his sorry |ASS| right now.
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Everyone I do know wants me to leave and have a better life. It's just that they are not made of money either. It's not like I have a place to go, or income of my own. I think If I had a job I could move into my own place. I wish someone would give me a chance.
I don't understand why his friends think he is this great guy. Always funny, charasmatic, and intelligent. They think I must be the B*** from hell. I asked him....why do you treat your friends so nice, and you treat me so badly. "because I LIKE them"
I have been his personal taxi driver, supporter, friend,lover , and doormat...

But I suppose that's what doormats are for, to be trampled on.

Yes I want out. I sure wish he would get help but I know he will not do that.
All my energy has been wasted on this relationship. I want a life. I want to be independant. I want a partner, and a family before I get so old that I regret it for good.
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Sistina, I hear money getting in your way but you sound close to willing to leave otherwise. Do you have a friend who could let you stay on a couch or spare room short term while you get on your feet?

I know the economy is BAD. But if you're free from what sounds like a very suffocating situation, and working on your own healing, it may be easier to take a step at a time towards your own job, place, etc

More than anything, keep coming back, post here, go to al-Anon, and take small steps to care for yourself through all this.
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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And..... Huge hugs to you. I am so sorry what you're going through.
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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This is the time to rely on friends and family. Don't assume they can't or won't help because of money. I would be calling everyone I know. It beats being degraded and living in an abusive and extremely toxic/debilitating home.

I would offer to mow their lawn, help with the house, whatever.

I Second Al anon. Just go. They are willing to help.
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Old 07-12-2013, 11:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes, hugh hugs for you Sistina.
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Old 07-13-2013, 01:26 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Oh Sistena, my heart goes out to you.

Isn't it crazy how we hang on and on to the "good him" and the fun and excitement from the beginning, so much that we can't believe we can't go back to that? I know I sabotage myself with that belief.

Sometimes we just haven't gotten sick enough of the pain yet.
And, of COURSE you're scared of leaving--anyone would be!

There are ways...you CAN find a way. Just starts with one step.

Finding this community here is itself a step in the right direction!
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Old 07-13-2013, 02:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
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It sounds like your confidence has taken a huge beating in this relationship. That has such long-reaching effects. You have so much to offer, to potential employers AND to a boyfriend. I really think you've got to keep reminding yourself that every time you interact with him. Have you ever seen the thread about quacking? I'll see if I can find it for you cause I think it could help your mindset. His words do not define you.

What I'm hearing is that right now, finding a job is a higher priority for you than getting out. Okay, let's think about this first. The confidence thing worries me here. When someone goes into an interview feeling desperate, it comes across. So when you contact potential employers in any way, take deep slow breaths, smile, stand up straight, convey calm confidence. It's a 'fake it til ya make it' thing. Employers want someone who can do the job and isn't going to be a problem. Remember how much you have to offer. Seriously, look at how strong and resourceful you are to have survived all this!!!

Have you checked with temp agencies? Make sure your friend s and family know you're looking. And this might sound weird, but look up the UnF***Your Habitat website. Someone here recommended it and its great! Those principles can be applied to a job search as well as to housecleaning. You can do this!! We are rooting for you.
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Old 07-13-2013, 02:06 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I can't copy the link on the iPad, but there are two threads, Quacking, Parts One and Two. Well worth reading.
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Old 07-13-2013, 06:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Sometimes you just have to leap, and you will be surprised at what comes your way. I've done it a few times in my life, where action was necessary but I was stalling because of all the obstacles (which turned out to be just in my head).

It sounds like "home" has become prison for you--and with a very unpleasant jail keeper. At this point, playing out the worst-case scenario, would living in a shelter temporarily be worse? I mean, REALLY worse? There are programs out there to help women in transition. Try calling some social service agencies (including domestic violence shelters--even if he doesn't physically abuse you, you are being subjected to mental, emotional, and financial abuse), and see if they can help you out. That's what they exist for. Some of them can help with employment assistance, too.

Hugs, I hate to think of anyone living the way you are.
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:25 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Sistena - Hugs and support. This sound terrible but it might help to look at your own role, because that is what you control. How did he take your money? Did he physically take it of did he demand it and you gave it to him? Either way, can you put any money you do have in a bank account he does not have access to? Can you not tell him next time you have money? Can you sign up for social services? You need support right now from someone who isn't your ABF and social services can provide some of that financial support at least.
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I agree with Lexie wholeheartedly. But not being a leaper myself, I'd also like to suggest that you could approach your situation as something from which you need to entangle yourself. Letting go and leaping imply that the changes have to be done all at once when they don't necessarily.

If you could do one thing every day to work on your recovery (spend time on SR, go to Al Anon, read a book on codependency, etc), you would quickly begin to untangle yourself from this man emotionally, and start to feel confident that there IS a way out of the madness.

Take a baby step ever day toward that place from which you will finally be able to let go.
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:22 AM   #16 (permalink)
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((((((((((((((((((((Sistina))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:03 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I'm with Lexie here - look into and take advantage of all temporary assistance programs you can qualify for. Go to your local job center for employment counseling and guidance. Lots of employers go directly through job centers to hire. Look into applying for housing assistance. Food stamps. Anything and everything to give you a bit of time to get back on your feet. You might be surprised at how much assistance you can receive to get you out of this current toxic situation and onto a much better life. Getting over the hump is temporary, and I have a suspicion you will feel like a completely different person away from the constant stream of negativity directed completely at you.

Big hugs from me today. You can do this. Take it one step (or one phone call) at a time.
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:27 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by neferkamichael View Post
Sistina, you need to dump his sorry |ASS| right now.
I second that....
Sistina, perhaps it would benefit you to examine what you think you're getting out of being in this relationship? This may help you break away from the "love" you think you're in with this guy....

Please know that I am coming from a place of care and concern for you when I say, this is NOT how a loving relationship should be....

I, too...once had the misconception that emotional pain=love.

That doesn't even come close to being true....

May I suggest that you go back to your original post and grab a sheet of paper and write the title: What I am getting out of this relationship...

Then, below it, list all the items that you shared with us in your post.

If, after you've made your list, if you are ok with what you are getting out of this relationship, then, there's no need to move on to the next step I'm about to suggest...(I am saying this with no judgment whatsoever, I promise...)

Now, suppose you look back at your list and you question what you're getting out of this relationship; Is itreally healthy or in your best interest?

Here's what you can do next,
(And...all it takes is a nice sharp pencil)
Go back to the title that reads, "What I am getting out of this relationship"
Take your pencil and cross out that title and in its place write, "Reasons Why I have chosen to let go of this relationship..."

Whether it's the alcoholic or the person who loves them, the willingness to be honest with ourselves, although painful at times, is so very necessary when we're in the process of letting go...

I was once involved with a Narcisstic man, and one would think that I would have easily walked away from all that nonsense...

And, I kept settling for the crumbs too...

But, not anymore!

I know how hard it is to break away from a toxic relationship, but based on what you shared, this guy has done a fine job at helping diminish your self worth and has isolated you from just about everyone...

That alone is unacceptable....

I don't care if you're "hot" or not....
That's not the point at all....
And, based on what you shared, nothing would ever be "good enough" for this tool anyway....
Guess what?!? This is not your problem...it's HIS...

The point is, you are absolutely worthy and deserving of being around people who love and cherish you just like the special gift you are...

There is no reason at all, why you should have to settle for less....

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly with us...

All the best,


Linda

Last edited by Diva76; 07-13-2013 at 09:34 AM. Reason: Typos;(
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Old 07-13-2013, 09:43 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Sistina, you ask "why do I still hold on to him"?? Well, there are lots of possible reasons why--=that have nothing to do with love--not the kind of love that enriches and brings meaning and joy to our lives.

Yes, you are clinging to a relationship where you are being abused--not loved. And, he doesn't care. He is controlled by addiction and addiction only seeks to destroy.

You need support badly, right now. I suggest that you call the local domestic abuse center and speak to a counselor. You will find them very receptive and caring. They have all the kinds of help that you need at their fingertips---they know where to find help! That can save you time and effort and give you the kind of understanding support that you need. All you have to do is pick up the phone and make o ne call to get the ball rolling.

Alanon is also there and is free. You will get understanding support there, because everyone has been in your shoes---suffering from caring for an alcoholic.

There is help;you do not have to continue living like this. Just be willing to reach out your hand to receive the help.

You CAN do this--if you can live with an alcoholic---anything else thrown at you should be a piece of cake.........

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Old 07-13-2013, 06:20 PM   #20 (permalink)
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there has been some great advice given here. there are ways out. my hugs and support to you. you need to get away from this person. it IS possible!
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