I don't know how to let it go....
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 57
Dear Sistina,
I am so glad you are reaching out. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. I can't explain why it is so hard to dump losers like him, but I understand. ABF is living in my house and I haven't kicked him out yet. I can't explain why.
You know something is very wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be on SR. Please reach out to someone so you can get out of there. He knows your self esteem is down and is taking advantage of that. That, even with a sober person, is cruel and so so wrong. Even if you don't believe in yourself right now, I do.
I am so glad you are reaching out. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. I can't explain why it is so hard to dump losers like him, but I understand. ABF is living in my house and I haven't kicked him out yet. I can't explain why.
You know something is very wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be on SR. Please reach out to someone so you can get out of there. He knows your self esteem is down and is taking advantage of that. That, even with a sober person, is cruel and so so wrong. Even if you don't believe in yourself right now, I do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Oh Sweetie I feel for you--went through similar and sometimes financial or other reasons force us to stay and even when the pain is so great we know we must leave we can't because we are afraid of the unknown. I sat one night and listed goals for myself for the next five years and realized if I did not get out of the relationship they were never going to happen. Perhaps all the NO's you are getting is because you are beaten down and self-esteem is evading you. Try to keep as little of contact right now with your A and work on yourself & bring back that confidence that I'm sure is there--I am still in that process but am by myself now. It is not easy & it is a journey and will take some time. Hang in there-I am thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
During my time with my ex-abf I was laid off my job. I couldn't get rehired anywhere! I applied everywhere got down to the last two all the time but it was almost two years of hell with his issues/my codi ways until I got out of the relationship and employers/people stared to see the real me till I was employed again. I was blocked by my anger deep down that people saw in me that I didn't to even get work. I wish you best and it will take time but work on you to get a job you like, take anything to move up! I have a job finally and love it and no EX-ABF to mess it up this time! Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 11
Thank you to EVERYONE, for all the kind words and support you have given me. I had an incedent over the weekend that really opened my eyes....
It involved my car being stolen, me being abandoned, to come home the next day to a very drunk man with a messed up face. I got a "story" of him being "jumped" but I believe he fell down the stairs.
He never apologized about leaving me, but instead made it all about HIM and HIS problem.
My Family was so upset they wanted to come over and "teach him a lesson" But they would Never do that!! It's just that they were very dissapointed in him....and so was I.
My Mom and her Boyfriend have been helping my gain employment and I have 2 interviews on the way! Also, I have been offered a place to stay if things get bad. Since It's the weekend that things "happen" I can stay somewhere else so I no longer need to submerge myself in negativity.
I have researched Al-anon, unfortinatly it is not offered in my area. I was very suprised. But I am getting more support from my family and that makes me feel like someone actually cares about ME.
Still, a part of me looks at the man and my mind just screams WHY WHY WHY..... why do you do this to yourself, to us....to me. I don't know if he will ever figure himself out and get himself back together and I pray he does. But I cannot be involved with him when he continues to live a life of immaturity.
Thank you all. You have my gratitude.
It involved my car being stolen, me being abandoned, to come home the next day to a very drunk man with a messed up face. I got a "story" of him being "jumped" but I believe he fell down the stairs.
He never apologized about leaving me, but instead made it all about HIM and HIS problem.
My Family was so upset they wanted to come over and "teach him a lesson" But they would Never do that!! It's just that they were very dissapointed in him....and so was I.
My Mom and her Boyfriend have been helping my gain employment and I have 2 interviews on the way! Also, I have been offered a place to stay if things get bad. Since It's the weekend that things "happen" I can stay somewhere else so I no longer need to submerge myself in negativity.
I have researched Al-anon, unfortinatly it is not offered in my area. I was very suprised. But I am getting more support from my family and that makes me feel like someone actually cares about ME.
Still, a part of me looks at the man and my mind just screams WHY WHY WHY..... why do you do this to yourself, to us....to me. I don't know if he will ever figure himself out and get himself back together and I pray he does. But I cannot be involved with him when he continues to live a life of immaturity.
Thank you all. You have my gratitude.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Sistina 
Thank you to EVERYONE, for all the kind words and support you have given me. I had an incedent over the weekend that really opened my eyes....
It involved my car being stolen, me being abandoned, to come home the next day to a very drunk man with a messed up face. I got a "story" of him being "jumped" but I believe he fell down the stairs.
He never apologized about leaving me, but instead made it all about HIM and HIS problem.
My Family was so upset they wanted to come over and "teach him a lesson" But they would Never do that!! It's just that they were very dissapointed in him....and so was I.
My Mom and her Boyfriend have been helping my gain employment and I have 2 interviews on the way! Also, I have been offered a place to stay if things get bad. Since It's the weekend that things "happen" I can stay somewhere else so I no longer need to submerge myself in negativity.
I have researched Al-anon, unfortinatly it is not offered in my area. I was very suprised. But I am getting more support from my family and that makes me feel like someone actually cares about ME.
Still, a part of me looks at the man and my mind just screams WHY WHY WHY..... why do you do this to yourself, to us....to me. I don't know if he will ever figure himself out and get himself back together and I pray he does. But I cannot be involved with him when he continues to live a life of immaturity.
Thank you all. You have my gratitude.
It involved my car being stolen, me being abandoned, to come home the next day to a very drunk man with a messed up face. I got a "story" of him being "jumped" but I believe he fell down the stairs.
He never apologized about leaving me, but instead made it all about HIM and HIS problem.
My Family was so upset they wanted to come over and "teach him a lesson" But they would Never do that!! It's just that they were very dissapointed in him....and so was I.
My Mom and her Boyfriend have been helping my gain employment and I have 2 interviews on the way! Also, I have been offered a place to stay if things get bad. Since It's the weekend that things "happen" I can stay somewhere else so I no longer need to submerge myself in negativity.
I have researched Al-anon, unfortinatly it is not offered in my area. I was very suprised. But I am getting more support from my family and that makes me feel like someone actually cares about ME.
Still, a part of me looks at the man and my mind just screams WHY WHY WHY..... why do you do this to yourself, to us....to me. I don't know if he will ever figure himself out and get himself back together and I pray he does. But I cannot be involved with him when he continues to live a life of immaturity.
Thank you all. You have my gratitude.
I bet you can find online meetings if there aren't any in your area.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 7
That is a controlling relationship and addiction in the mix. My boyfriend is an addict and my x boyfriend was controlling. I had no friends and the people we did go around "I was having sex with them" just beacuse I looked at them. I was 16 at the time and lived with him and he wouldnt let me break up with him, but I didnt even put up with it for a year and I got out. They tare your down and make you feel bad about yourself aand like you are wrong. WELL YOUR NOT. And it isnt easy to get away from people like that, I would get texts and calls from him everyday for months after breaking up, dont answer or even look at it, because it will make you crazy. Sometimes being selfish and cold hearted is a good thing, if he text you about a problem thats going on with him, its his problem not yours, helping him will just drag you back in the relationship and more hurt for you. My worst break up was with him, because he was controlling. I had to even get pulled out of school, because I had anxitey really bad and would have a few panic attackets a day at school.
Leaving him will be worth it at the end!!!!!
Leaving him will be worth it at the end!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 11
Paige,
I know! If I LOOK at a guy then I MUST be having sex with him. Or I must have hidden emails and accounts and hook up with guys on the internet. But wait, I must have guys come around the house when he is at work to fill my ever lustful needs.....
Oh apparently I have personals and "adds" on craigslist too....
I must have such a busy day having sex with all these men. Wow, it's unimaginable I do all the cooking, and cleaning, Luandry, errands, groceries,sewing, doing my art(I Paint), and filling out applications. It doesn't matter and I don't get one word of "thanks" or "wow the house looks nice today" It doesn't matter when I tell him I am monogomous and faithfull, that's just my guilty concious trying to cover-up the fact.
It's total BULLS&^%!!
I wonder if these ABF have an imaginary world, because reality sure isn't REAL enough.
I know! If I LOOK at a guy then I MUST be having sex with him. Or I must have hidden emails and accounts and hook up with guys on the internet. But wait, I must have guys come around the house when he is at work to fill my ever lustful needs.....
Oh apparently I have personals and "adds" on craigslist too....
I must have such a busy day having sex with all these men. Wow, it's unimaginable I do all the cooking, and cleaning, Luandry, errands, groceries,sewing, doing my art(I Paint), and filling out applications. It doesn't matter and I don't get one word of "thanks" or "wow the house looks nice today" It doesn't matter when I tell him I am monogomous and faithfull, that's just my guilty concious trying to cover-up the fact.
It's total BULLS&^%!!
I wonder if these ABF have an imaginary world, because reality sure isn't REAL enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 11
Ona,
I will look into that. It would be great to get advice from individuals that are professionals to every day people trying to cope with it all. It would be nice to make friends in my area to strengthen my confidence again. Just in general....I am afraid of re-lapsing on my decision and I can't do that.
I will look into that. It would be great to get advice from individuals that are professionals to every day people trying to cope with it all. It would be nice to make friends in my area to strengthen my confidence again. Just in general....I am afraid of re-lapsing on my decision and I can't do that.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Sistina
It doesn't matter and I don't get one word of "thanks" or "wow the house looks nice today".
I think that's the only way to get a compliment out of an alcoholic, unfortunately.
It's all about them...at least in their minds.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
backsorry for missing some posts
You can find a wealth of Alanon literature online.
your post and all the replies are very moving.
All together they would make a good recovery book.
You are in an abusive relationship...I would call your local women's abuse hotline and talk to someone....pretty much immediately.
Pulling for you
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Sistina
Ona,
I will look into that. It would be great to get advice from individuals that are professionals to every day people trying to cope with it all. It would be nice to make friends in my area to strengthen my confidence again. Just in general....I am afraid of re-lapsing on my decision and I can't do that.
I will look into that. It would be great to get advice from individuals that are professionals to every day people trying to cope with it all. It would be nice to make friends in my area to strengthen my confidence again. Just in general....I am afraid of re-lapsing on my decision and I can't do that.
No one deserves to be treated poorly.
I think you may be able to see if others in your area are interested in starting a group locally. Not sure about that. Maybe someone with more experience than me can say.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Sistina;4074737
He never apologized about leaving me, but instead made it all about HIM and HIS problem.
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He never apologized about leaving me, but instead made it all about HIM and HIS problem.
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Of course not, if he did apologize, he would be forced to take responsibility for himself...and based on what you have shared, I don't see that happening any time soon...
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Also, I have been offered a place to stay if things get bad...
"If" things get bad? Oh dear....I know you are feeling fragile at the moment, but may I gently ask how much worse so things have to get before you finally leave this guy??? Of course, this is my own perspective, but from where I'm standing, things seem quite unbearable for you now...
If you have been offered a place to stay, I would strongly recommend
taking that person up on it...
If money is an issue, there are other ways to contribute to the household that you'll be staying at...
Maybe you can offer to do some chores, or make them a beautiful painting since you like to paint....who knows? They may appreciate the home decorating...
But I am getting more support from my family and that makes me feel like someone actually cares about ME.
Good. I'm glad you are getting support from your family....
And, you have us too!
Still, a part of me looks at the man and my mind just screams WHY WHY WHY..... why do you do this to yourself, to us....to me. I don't know if he will ever figure himself out and get himself back together and I pray he does. But I cannot be involved with him when he continues to live a life of immaturity.
I truly understand....
I don't know of one person on here that hasn't had the same struggle....
But, your wisdom is already beginning to shine through as you are beginning to realize that you cannot be involved with him if he's still addicted....
How long have you known him for?
Is there a lot of history between the two of you?
Thank you all. You have my gratitude.
[/COLOR]
Also, I have been offered a place to stay if things get bad...
"If" things get bad? Oh dear....I know you are feeling fragile at the moment, but may I gently ask how much worse so things have to get before you finally leave this guy??? Of course, this is my own perspective, but from where I'm standing, things seem quite unbearable for you now...
If you have been offered a place to stay, I would strongly recommend
taking that person up on it...
If money is an issue, there are other ways to contribute to the household that you'll be staying at...
Maybe you can offer to do some chores, or make them a beautiful painting since you like to paint....who knows? They may appreciate the home decorating...
But I am getting more support from my family and that makes me feel like someone actually cares about ME.
Good. I'm glad you are getting support from your family....
And, you have us too!
Still, a part of me looks at the man and my mind just screams WHY WHY WHY..... why do you do this to yourself, to us....to me. I don't know if he will ever figure himself out and get himself back together and I pray he does. But I cannot be involved with him when he continues to live a life of immaturity.
I truly understand....
I don't know of one person on here that hasn't had the same struggle....
But, your wisdom is already beginning to shine through as you are beginning to realize that you cannot be involved with him if he's still addicted....
How long have you known him for?
Is there a lot of history between the two of you?
Thank you all. You have my gratitude.
You're welcome....
That's what we're here for...
All the best,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 7
J I undersand how it is to be stuck. I am stuck also stuck. I have a suspended license and live in the country, so I cant work and move out of my boyfriends house. But try every where even dast food. They always hire at fast food and restaurants, because people always quit those jobs they new people ever two weeks. Any job is better then anything.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Paige95
J I undersand how it is to be stuck. I am stuck also stuck. I have a suspended license and live in the country, so I cant work and move out of my boyfriends house. But try every where even dast food. They always hire at fast food and restaurants, because people always quit those jobs they new people ever two weeks. Any job is better then anything.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 127
Dear Sistina,
As I sit here and read you story all sounds familiar. I actually feel sorry for you because your allowing yourself to be in a relationship that's completely unhealthy. I know because I was once their and I know a lot of others on this site can relate as well.
My ex alcoholic did nothing in return for me. Our relationship was never about us as a couple but about him taking me hostage in order to use me to fulfill his needs as an alcoholic. I too wasn't hugged or kissed for days, weeks, and even months, which left me feeling like I wasn't good enough for him. He would rather watch porn than be intimate with me. He even admitted he was jealous and envious of me for having family and friends who loved and supported me. My boyfriend being jealous and envious of me? Now that's bad.
He sucked the life out of me when their was no more life to be sucked out. Not only was he a damn drunk but a liar, selfish, inconsiderate, cruel, a manipulator and most of all he could give a sh*t about me. Life with him was always cloudy, I never saw the sun and when I did it was for only a few seconds. To shorten this all up, life with my ex was miserable and I would NEVER consider going back to him. Their is NO life with an alcoholic, they have no clue on knowing how to have a healthy relationship with someone, or should I say a relationship at all.
I ran far far away from my ex and while you still can I'd advise you to do so. I'm HAPPIER without him. For me, the sun no longer comes out for a few seconds, it's out permanently and life is good! Good luck to you and keep strong!
As I sit here and read you story all sounds familiar. I actually feel sorry for you because your allowing yourself to be in a relationship that's completely unhealthy. I know because I was once their and I know a lot of others on this site can relate as well.
My ex alcoholic did nothing in return for me. Our relationship was never about us as a couple but about him taking me hostage in order to use me to fulfill his needs as an alcoholic. I too wasn't hugged or kissed for days, weeks, and even months, which left me feeling like I wasn't good enough for him. He would rather watch porn than be intimate with me. He even admitted he was jealous and envious of me for having family and friends who loved and supported me. My boyfriend being jealous and envious of me? Now that's bad.
He sucked the life out of me when their was no more life to be sucked out. Not only was he a damn drunk but a liar, selfish, inconsiderate, cruel, a manipulator and most of all he could give a sh*t about me. Life with him was always cloudy, I never saw the sun and when I did it was for only a few seconds. To shorten this all up, life with my ex was miserable and I would NEVER consider going back to him. Their is NO life with an alcoholic, they have no clue on knowing how to have a healthy relationship with someone, or should I say a relationship at all.
I ran far far away from my ex and while you still can I'd advise you to do so. I'm HAPPIER without him. For me, the sun no longer comes out for a few seconds, it's out permanently and life is good! Good luck to you and keep strong!
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