Sistina, you ask "why do I still hold on to him"?? Well, there are lots of possible reasons why--=that have nothing to do with love--not the kind of love that enriches and brings meaning and joy to our lives.
Yes, you are clinging to a relationship where you are being abused--not loved. And, he doesn't care. He is controlled by addiction and addiction only seeks to destroy.
You need support badly, right now. I suggest that you call the local domestic abuse center and speak to a counselor. You will find them very receptive and caring. They have all the kinds of help that you need at their fingertips---they know where to find help! That can save you time and effort and give you the kind of understanding support that you need. All you have to do is pick up the phone and make o ne call to get the ball rolling.
Alanon is also there and is free. You will get understanding support there, because everyone has been in your shoes---suffering from caring for an alcoholic.
There is help;you do not have to continue living like this. Just be willing to reach out your hand to receive the help.
You CAN do this--if you can live with an alcoholic---anything else thrown at you should be a piece of cake.........
dandylion