OnawaMiniya

Oh, God. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have faith that you will make it out ok. Just have faith. I wish youdidn't have to go through this Hon.

Santa

The level of presumption in that statement takes my breath away!

As a matter of fact my exAH felt exactly the same way during our marriage, and he's still trying to roll with that (even though we've been divorced 2 years). However, how we live our lives is up to each of us (that means YOU, not him) and no one else.

Seren

I remembered a thread that was started by another of our Mods in the FFSA forum about protecting ourselves financially. You mentioned not wanting to check the checking account....you may want to reconsider if you have not yet separated your finances (i.e. have your pay deposited into an account in your name only).

I'm sharing this so that others can read it too. Lots of great advice here!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html

Fandy

why should you let him spend your hard earned $$$ on vodka? you found the damage from the last 22 bottles he consumed in 10 days prior to the accident.
maybe you can just open a new account in your name only, have your pay deposited there so you know how much you have.
credit cards, separate the accounts, don't leave yourself wide open if possible. i am guessing the mortgage is in both names.
you can rant/rave at him, call him names, point out his selfishness, point out his lies to you....he is not listening, he does not hearing what you say...i think his addiction is past the point of you expecting him to care, the difference between right & wrong.
i never crossed this line myself, but came close...i can see it now, but not then.

HopefulinFLA

I think Fandy's idea is a great one! You've got to look out for you right now. He's not even capable of acting in his own best interest so how could he possibly have yours in mind? If he wants to spend money on vodka let it be his problem where the money comes from. You work entirely to hard to support his habit.

LexieCat

hg and Fandy are right on. You can take steps to protect yourself financially.

Look, I know you have been COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED the past few weeks, so give yourself a chance to regroup. You are not as trapped as you think you are. Trust me on this, there is a way out of the madness. You should not feel besieged in your own home. You shouldn't have to stand guard over your possessions, your money, your vehicles.

I second the idea of getting some time off if you possibly can. If he is going to keep drinking after this, he obviously is nowhere near ready to stop. How many more years of your precious life do you want to spend this way? Detachment is a great interim tool, but as a lifetime strategy for continuing to live with a destructive alcoholic, it's got its limitations. I have no doubt there are SOME people who can carve out a truly happy existence while continuing to live with someone spiraling steadily down, but I think most people's lives improve immeasurably by getting AWAY from the insanity.

Hugs,

Kat60

I agree with Lexie, HG and Fandy.

Detachment IS only an interim tool while living in the same home with active addiction. I personally would find it impossible to practice that successfully long-term in a marriage, but you can use it now to help you regroup and find the the time and the strength to make your plans.

If his only concern right now (while taking anti seizure meds while drinking vodka) is whether you will still love him if he loses his hair then he is a LONG way from any recovery plans for himself... That he would expect you to even engage in that conversation is comical. Writing is on the wall my dear and it sounds like it has been for some time...

Nothing changes if nothing changes... So YOU be the one to change for YOU! He'll have to find his own way should he decide to. You have no control over HIS path.

You most certainly should protect your financial stability. Without that then any future plans you wish to make (with or without him) would be sorely hampered.

There are many options and good advice out there to help you find them! You also have to be willing to pursue them. Do what you know you must for your own recovery from this madness.

Hope you get some rest today!

dandylion

BoxinRotz, as hydrogirl has just stated, it is about time to think of your own health and welfare. Of course, you do health care for others---so you know that there is a breaking point, sooner or later. You are as strong and durable as a hickory stick, but lack of sleep and unrelieved stress over a long time brings a person to a breaking point. Then the usual coping mechanisms go to H*** in a handbasket.

His disease is bigger than you--it is out of your reach. Your hope that he will somehow come to his senses, I believe is wishful thinking---and your "blowing a gasket" won't have any effect except to increase the conflict. His disease is in the driver's seat--he is a sick man in more ways than one. Maybe it is time to really recognize that business as usual can no longer be. There comes a time when your own survival has to become the first priority. It is not giving up--it is letting go--when holding on means certain destruction.

BoxinRotz, you are a smart girl---what can you do for yourself. How can you cut out a place and a space for you?

We will help you--we will walk with you.

dandylion

Kimmieh

Ugh, this sounds rough! I might have missed it, but whose house is it? Is there any way to make him leave?

I love how you talk about your girls! I love my fur babies to bits and they cheered me up so so so many times when I was devastated about the alcoholic.

BoxinRotz

Thanks guys. I have my own acct n he has his. I have access to both but he never touches mine. The mortgage is his alone. He bought the house before I met him. The only thing I'm tied into is auto because in this state, we have to share the same policy for the household. He owns the loan on the Tacoma n I own the loan on the Jetta which is almost paid off.

I was looking on craigslist this morning for rooms. I actually saved one that said, must be dog lover as I own boxers! I was like yeah!!! lol

I'm off today n back to work tomorrow. I didn't blow up on him. I was ranting. He pisses me off. I did tell him that I am not going to love him if he's going to be a selfish drunk. It's notfair. He said, I know. I'll always have hope for him but I'm not holding my breath for him to do what's in his best interest morally and health wise, let alone making me happy. I haven't been happy for awhile with him n my marriage is only 2 years old.

I told him this morning, I can't drag your drunk ass behind me n tell everyone you are my wonderful husband. If you want to be that wonderful man, you're gonna have to stand the hell up n walk like a man!!!

OnawaMiniya

Yeah! I like that. Put well.

Florence

I had the same convos with my AH and he knew I meant it but was incapable of making the kinda of changes I needed to see. I guess my question follows, then, what's next if he can't meet your expectations?

Thinking of you. This is a bad place to be in. And remember that even the toughest people in the world (like you) deserve love and consideration.

dandylion

BoxinRotz, I have been thinking about you and your very difficult situation. I asked myself:
What would I do? I was born in the rural mountains--so roughing it in the wilderness is not foreign to me--just like you.

Personally, I think I would get a large tent and go to a long term camp site with my dogs. It is summertime--so there is a lot of tolerable weather left, this year. At least there would be some peace and quiet. Enough space to unwind and regroup emotionally and mentally in the solitude of nature. I would leave him to cope on his own. For legal reasons, tell him you are taking your "vacation", now. Then I would consult a lawyer and begin to weave a longer term plan. At least, it would be a start to building a tomorrow for you.

I just wanted to share my thought with you.....

dandylion

Pondlady

Box,
I've refrained from saying much, as I worry you are overwhelmed and you're getting lots of advice. My ex was abusive and I stayed way too long.....21 years. He would not leave the house, even though our daughter was in high school.

I slowly began making plans. Set up my own bank account, began making copies of everything and putting them carefully back so he wouldn't know, I took a cash advance out on a credit card ( didn't even know how to do that!) to meet with a lawyer. The lawyer was able to file some papers that basically froze our financial stuff and separated me from future debt he incurred.

When the day came that I moved out, with my daughter, dog and cat......I SOBBED. I just couldn't believe it was happening to me. Enough of my story...my point is, to take baby steps to move yourself forward. Hugs, you'll make it...and some day you'll help another lady make it.

Kat60

How you doing Box??

Hevyn

I too haven't known what to say Boxy. We've known you for awhile now, and always hoped for the best for you - from the first day you posted. I'm amazed that the accident didn't make Jim humble and grateful for the blessing he was given. That he still had you willing to love and care for him was a wonderful gift. I pray he will see what he's about to lose and do something to stop it from happening - but not if he isn't serious about quitting. You can't have your life turned upside down anymore. I had to leave my husband for the same reason - and it tore me up - but I couldn't allow myself to go down with the ship. I'll be praying for you both.

BoxinRotz

I've been praying for him. That's about all I can do. He sent me a text while I was at work last night that said, I know you don't understand me but I just need to be alone, drunk and feeling sorry for myself.

Hey... Have at it. Is the way I felt. I didn't even respond.

I went home and went to sleep because I had to have him at the plastic surgeons by 9 something. I laid in bed for while til I fell asleep and was up by 6am. Made coffee, got him up and just kept to myself because he's right, I don't understand and I read a sticky on detachment.

He came over to me around 7am and said, I'm done with this. I don't want to do it anymore. All I said was, Time will tell. He said yes, time will tell and it was left at that.

Dr apt went well. His head wound on top where he scalped himself looks really well. The dr took the rest of the staples out and cut off a good portion of the cadaver skin to reveal nice, pink healthy new skin. He said if it keeps healing well, he won't need skin grafting.

Other than that, it is what it is. And it's not my addiction. I'm going to learn to love him from afar. I'll be there for him as much as I can but he needs to help himself. I love him so very much but I can't be overly in love with him. I can't fix him, I can't do this for him.

I told his buddy last night that all I and we can do is pray for him and ourselves. I don't know if this sounds messed up to you guys but I called my sister's death atleast 8 months before. I was in the vicinity of the age but wrong on the manner of death. I told his friend if Jim doesn't get a hold of this and conquer it, he will not live to see 60. To drink the way that man does, it is unbelievable. He averaged at least 30 pints in the 12 days before his accident because I received the printout on the credit union acct he holds.

So, the ball is in his court. It's up to him. I'm going to take care of me AND lay out in the pool! Once Oct gets here, I will be 20ft in a tree drawing back on a MONSTER buck!

skippernlilg

Wow. I just read all 11 pages of this story. You've been through so much in the last 30 days or so. Such intense agony, really. Yet, it reminds me of what I challenged myself for "more of" in the past year. I haven't shared the story here yet, but I will tell you that I'm considered a strong person, too. Very realistic. Friends also think I've got a wicked sense of humor. But, I wish to share with you one thing: what you see is what you will see. What you've experienced, there will be more of that. There's nothing more than that. I feel confident that if you strategize your finances to your advantage by taking in some of the information provided here, you will find yourself in a much better place than you've been able to imagine. I like it that you're imagining a pool, but I wonder if you scale down that to something a little different, that doesn't gain equity for "his" house (thus, enabling his financial situation and bottle- buying power further), and then maybe doling out enough for a down payment, you could find yourself in a nice little cottage for you and your girls. You're certainly working enough to find yourself in a pretty good spot. I hope you think about it. I say this from a position of single working, full time student mom who just got out of the same relationship after a one year (what I thought was) sober break with the only man I've ever really loved. His financial focus on those bottles could have financially drowned my son and me past any financial recovery, given the tight budget I was already on. And we didn't even share auto insurance. I can love from afar. I can even love with NC. It's the best kind of love I have for my son and me. Take care.

OnawaMiniya

Big hugs to you. You are one STRONG WOMAN. You are right, all you can do is pray for him and be supportive of anything positive, and from afar love him. It's hard to have to love from afar, especially when times are tough. But I can see clearly that you're the type whose strength comes out in full when times are tough, and in a way it becomes easier (but not easy) to do what you have to do because of this, and for that you have every reason to be proud. It is in his court. I'm praying for you both - for peace, serenity, health, and to have all that you need, when you need it.

And no, I don't think what you said about predicting things is strange at all. I've done things like that myself many times. Just be careful not to let it consume you. It's a blessing and a curse.

Keep taking good care of YOU.

Peace.

Fandy

i've been thinking about you too, and hope you have had a *peaceful* week.
i do think you make it too easy for him, but understand that you are avoiding conflict, fighting with a drunk is an exercise in futility.
he wants to have a pity-party and not face reality...he's losing more than his hair, he's lost your respect.
i agree, why should you have to uproot yourself, give up your home because he is a drunken ungrateful fool? if you can stand it for now and let go enough. but his recovery from the accident is superficial. if he's drinking heavier now, he won't be going back to work.

how is your beautiful new granddaughter?