How I left an alcoholic marriage with very little support
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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How I left an alcoholic marriage with very little support
This week I cut the last physical/emotional tie I had with my XAH. We are legally separated and I finally moved into my own place (all mine, only me on the lease)...it's not the first time I've lived alone in my own place but after a ten year marriage it had been a while. Even though I'd been living apart from my AH a while ( I was in one of our joint properties and he another) I still saw him a lot and we sort of still acted married. It took me a long time to take off the ring, get the actual legal separation, and move out of our joint property (we transferred that lease into his name only). The last step is the divorce which will happen once a few financial things we agreed to happen (too complicated to explain but it will happen). However, the legal separation gives me what I need to continue moving forward - it's over.
I moved deeper into the city in a trendy area, very different from the suburb I was in with the AH. Three separate people (who don't even really know me, one was my mover, the other two cab drivers on various rides I took to my new place before the actual move) told me how much they liked my new place and how light it was and how cool it was compared to the old place...I guess the Universe is telling me it's all good.
I did this move basically all on my own - I mean I hired some professionals to help but I lack a good support system (I'm working on that but it's slow going). I wanted to write this to tell others in the same situation you don't need to wait around for "support" if it's just not there for you right now and it's going to be a long time coming.
I know the preferred way of doing things is to ask for help, find a huge support system etc etc. However, in my case I was so damaged from my FOO (absent alcoholic father who passed and emotionally abusive narcissistic mother with extreme controlling behaviors) I had two issues: I didn't have a true support system because I didn't trust anyone due to the isolation of living in that childhood environment followed by the isolation of living with an A for so long and for the same reasons I had sort of distanced myself from people and put forth very little effort into my friendships. My biggest obstacle was having no family to count on - my mother (the Alanon) was so emotionally abusive that she told the rest of the family lies about me...in order to protect myself I had to go NC with all of them (and this is not just me, two different professionals have confirmed that it is beyond unhealthy for me to have anything to do with her due to the abuse, manipulation and extreme control). One of the things my mother did was gaslight me to the point I would doubt the reality because she would deny anything happened. So long story short no support there. I also had very little support from friends because as we tend to do psychologically I chose friends that emulated my childhood issues - my friends are a bit selfish and narcissistic and very into "having a man at all costs" just like my mother was. I'm not taking my responsibility out of this - I chose this friends to try to resolve my past rather than working through it....I know I'm not explaining it right but this is common - we tend to bring our unresolved childhood trauma into our current relationships until we face it (I'm in the process).
Anyway...I've gone off on a tangent. My point is despite all of the above and my trust issues I have left an alcoholic marriage of 10 years. On my own - I did it. And I feel pretty good about it...so if anyone is feeling discouraged or alone know you too can find the inner strength to move forward no matter what support you do or don't have. I feel optimistic that as I recover more I will find real support and friends that mesh with my authentic self but I needed to get myself out of an unhealthy alcoholic relationship and I did it, all me. I don't think I could have moved any further with my recovery without taking this step - I needed to free myself to move forward with the true authentic me. Note I haven't even talked about the XAH - because this is about me, we split amicably, but not to the point I forgot what got us here.
It was a long process - I started "leaving" in early 2011, doing small things like getting a second job (so I could eventually live in the trendy area I wanted) and living separately from my AH (he in our home and me in our second leased place). Then I saw a lawyer, got more intensive therapy and finally took off the ring. Then I started planning the move and spent 2 months packing and organizing. Finally I found a place and a month after that I got here. And it feels good. My AH wasn't physically abusive but he wasn't helping me either - I had to take each and every step - once I did it he went along with it but I had to initiate and confront the end of the marriage. I remember being paralyzed with fear of that pending confrontation when I first started this process in 2011 but once I got the strength to do it it wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be - in that sense I was lucky that he was agreeable and as cooperative as an active A can be (even if not helpful).
For anyone who is struggling due to lack of support - just know you are not alone and you can do it (even if you have to do the majority of the work with only the help of professionals). Anything is possible if you want it bad enough and are determined.
I moved deeper into the city in a trendy area, very different from the suburb I was in with the AH. Three separate people (who don't even really know me, one was my mover, the other two cab drivers on various rides I took to my new place before the actual move) told me how much they liked my new place and how light it was and how cool it was compared to the old place...I guess the Universe is telling me it's all good.
I did this move basically all on my own - I mean I hired some professionals to help but I lack a good support system (I'm working on that but it's slow going). I wanted to write this to tell others in the same situation you don't need to wait around for "support" if it's just not there for you right now and it's going to be a long time coming.
I know the preferred way of doing things is to ask for help, find a huge support system etc etc. However, in my case I was so damaged from my FOO (absent alcoholic father who passed and emotionally abusive narcissistic mother with extreme controlling behaviors) I had two issues: I didn't have a true support system because I didn't trust anyone due to the isolation of living in that childhood environment followed by the isolation of living with an A for so long and for the same reasons I had sort of distanced myself from people and put forth very little effort into my friendships. My biggest obstacle was having no family to count on - my mother (the Alanon) was so emotionally abusive that she told the rest of the family lies about me...in order to protect myself I had to go NC with all of them (and this is not just me, two different professionals have confirmed that it is beyond unhealthy for me to have anything to do with her due to the abuse, manipulation and extreme control). One of the things my mother did was gaslight me to the point I would doubt the reality because she would deny anything happened. So long story short no support there. I also had very little support from friends because as we tend to do psychologically I chose friends that emulated my childhood issues - my friends are a bit selfish and narcissistic and very into "having a man at all costs" just like my mother was. I'm not taking my responsibility out of this - I chose this friends to try to resolve my past rather than working through it....I know I'm not explaining it right but this is common - we tend to bring our unresolved childhood trauma into our current relationships until we face it (I'm in the process).
Anyway...I've gone off on a tangent. My point is despite all of the above and my trust issues I have left an alcoholic marriage of 10 years. On my own - I did it. And I feel pretty good about it...so if anyone is feeling discouraged or alone know you too can find the inner strength to move forward no matter what support you do or don't have. I feel optimistic that as I recover more I will find real support and friends that mesh with my authentic self but I needed to get myself out of an unhealthy alcoholic relationship and I did it, all me. I don't think I could have moved any further with my recovery without taking this step - I needed to free myself to move forward with the true authentic me. Note I haven't even talked about the XAH - because this is about me, we split amicably, but not to the point I forgot what got us here.
It was a long process - I started "leaving" in early 2011, doing small things like getting a second job (so I could eventually live in the trendy area I wanted) and living separately from my AH (he in our home and me in our second leased place). Then I saw a lawyer, got more intensive therapy and finally took off the ring. Then I started planning the move and spent 2 months packing and organizing. Finally I found a place and a month after that I got here. And it feels good. My AH wasn't physically abusive but he wasn't helping me either - I had to take each and every step - once I did it he went along with it but I had to initiate and confront the end of the marriage. I remember being paralyzed with fear of that pending confrontation when I first started this process in 2011 but once I got the strength to do it it wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be - in that sense I was lucky that he was agreeable and as cooperative as an active A can be (even if not helpful).
For anyone who is struggling due to lack of support - just know you are not alone and you can do it (even if you have to do the majority of the work with only the help of professionals). Anything is possible if you want it bad enough and are determined.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
Thank you for sharing and giving us hope! It is so true what you said about repeating things that happened in childhood. my situation with my parents is very similar to yours. i too have sought out toxic relationships and just now am realizing about family of origin part in it all. Congratulations on your new life! It sounds wonderful and full if possibilities for you! I wish you continued success. It sounds like you are on your way to a much healthier and happier place in your life.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
So happy for you, Aeryn. Change always brings that 'in-between' stage with it - stay strong and be good to yourself!
P.S. I don't have a lot of "support" either, just a few family members on occasion if I really need them, and a few friends. Amazing how we can make it all work anyway!
P.S. I don't have a lot of "support" either, just a few family members on occasion if I really need them, and a few friends. Amazing how we can make it all work anyway!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: eastern plains, colorado
Posts: 21
Thank you I very much needed to hear this today. Especially the part about not having support becauss of seeking out friendship with other toxic people. No support is better then negative support or support with strings attached. Thanks again for sharing!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
well, of course WE dont have support...because we are CHANGING things...people dont like that...
i want to run and give you a hug...you have support..HERE you have it!!
i love your SELF CARE....hugs and kisses
~Maggie
i want to run and give you a hug...you have support..HERE you have it!!
i love your SELF CARE....hugs and kisses
~Maggie
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 38
Hi there, I am new to this site! I think it is awesome what you have done. I am in a 10 year relationship with an alcoholic. I am thinking of leaving too, but I just recently lost my job and feel trapped right now. Anybody have any suggestions? Should I see a lawyer? He is not physically abusive, but has done a number on me and I want my old self back. Any suggestions would be great.
Sheila
Sheila
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by sugapie 
Hi there, I am new to this site! I think it is awesome what you have done. I am in a 10 year relationship with an alcoholic. I am thinking of leaving too, but I just recently lost my job and feel trapped right now. Anybody have any suggestions? Should I see a lawyer? He is not physically abusive, but has done a number on me and I want my old self back. Any suggestions would be great.
Sheila
Sheila
Everyone's situation is a little different but for me I had to go in small steps. My first step was the second job - mainly because the XAH and I lived beyond our means so that was the only way for me to start saving. The next step for me was Alanon and therapy. I will say I was deathly afraid of Alanon and while it wasn't a lifesaver for me it was very helpful and an important step - just getting myself out of the house was a step.
My suggestion would be small steps...and yes the lawyer is a great idea - many will do free consults so you can just see where you stand - I did that too and it was very helpful. Maybe think of one small step to take (the lawyer meeting maybe) and do that and then go to the next right step for you. As I took each small step I started finding myself and my confidence again and the next small step was easier. There is no right way to do it, but for me listening to my gut on which was the next right small step worked.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by Richardswife
TIt is so true what you said about repeating things that happened in childhood. my situation with my parents is very similar to yours. i too have sought out toxic relationships and just now am realizing about family of origin part in it all. .
It's so weird to me how true it is - we really do subconsciously repeat and act out things from childhood! My FOO issues were (and still are) by biggest hurdle to cross to finally fully recover.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by sugapie
Hi there, I am new to this site! I think it is awesome what you have done. I am in a 10 year relationship with an alcoholic. I am thinking of leaving too, but I just recently lost my job and feel trapped right now. Anybody have any suggestions? Should I see a lawyer? He is not physically abusive, but has done a number on me and I want my old self back. Any suggestions would be great.
Sheila
Sheila
glad you found us....!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Aeryn!!! So proud to read this. It's very strange and wonderful to be living such parallels with you, especially now that we're both Free!! And Light!! And Finding happiness in the moment. That was so difficult for so long.
I, too, am still struggling with my FOO, and some days that seems like a slip to my senses. Boundaries. I am awfully forceful with some of my boundaries and it comes off as angry sometimes. Then, I'm not. Still finding a "happy medium" with that.
I, too, am still struggling with my FOO, and some days that seems like a slip to my senses. Boundaries. I am awfully forceful with some of my boundaries and it comes off as angry sometimes. Then, I'm not. Still finding a "happy medium" with that.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
The new place is so peaceful and new and different. So far so good - the neighbor even brought a welcome orchid over - it's a duplex so it's nice to be assured my neighbor is nice and quiet.
I've been unpacking like crazy - amazing how much stuff one acquires after 10 years and this is only half of it!! I've run into a couple challenges with things like hanging curtains and using a power drill - I may have to hire a handyman but overall it's been nice.
I've been unpacking like crazy - amazing how much stuff one acquires after 10 years and this is only half of it!! I've run into a couple challenges with things like hanging curtains and using a power drill - I may have to hire a handyman but overall it's been nice.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Alabama
Posts: 164
I remember the first time I had to change a light bulb after my first marriage ended. With each challenge, you will realize just how much you can do and how self sufficient you truly are. Each time you are faced with a new challenge such as curtains, if you try and are able to achieve the task and overcome the challenge, you will gain so much self confidence! I couldn't change a light bulb after my first marriage ended. Now, I am able to do things I never imagined. I recently removed 465 sq feet of flooring, am installing shoe molding and ripping out a kitchen (appliances, tile and cabinets). I promise you will surprise yourself. Try it. The worst case is you cannot get it and then have someone come in to help you.
A tip with curtains is that you find the stud to drill into, if not put the screws in with screw anchors (probably not correct terminology). You can do it! It cannot hurt anything and any damage is only some drywall putty can easily repair!
So proud and happy or you! I can only imagine how difficult this journey has been for you so far! Enjoy your freedom and peace! You deserve it!!!
A tip with curtains is that you find the stud to drill into, if not put the screws in with screw anchors (probably not correct terminology). You can do it! It cannot hurt anything and any damage is only some drywall putty can easily repair!
So proud and happy or you! I can only imagine how difficult this journey has been for you so far! Enjoy your freedom and peace! You deserve it!!!
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