Getting there.I think.

Old 05-30-2013, 09:33 AM
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Getting there.I think.

Morning. I've been going back on a near daily basis to read all the replies from my last post, it does help me. I have gone to a few meetings, the last one just the other night and I spoke, well, kind of. I think I cried more and not sure I made any sense. It has been a week nearly since I've seen him(he has been sober for 5 weeks now) I told him I needed to "figure this out" and he has been respectful of my wishes.

I am a little more reflective at times, but I cry a lot as well. I ask myself the same question over and over...how the hell did I get myself into this mess? I new he was a recovering alcoholic (sober for 4 months when I met him) and he stayed sober for the first 7 months through the relationship and since may 2012 till this past April has been a nightmare. I feel like I know him better as an alcoholic than I do as a sober,healthy man. I beat myself up because I WISH I had asked more questions in the beginning and made a healthier choice. If I knew then, what I know now, my life probably would be different. I wish I never got so sucked into this and became a caretaker( cause at first I thought, oh ok, he has just relapsed once, it will be fine and everything will be back to normal..hahah, I was dead wrong.
So now I am beginning to take care of myself, but I don't know what that looks like just yet..is it normal to just now...go through anger,sadness,despair,resentment ect,ect?...does this ever go away? is it normal that because of all this drama that I have been through for it to bring up old wounds from my past that I thought were put behind me?

I feel "sick" I feel like maybe I need to be placed on anti depressant's. I was in a good place in my life before all this...****. I hate this. I really do. At this stage in my life(45) my kid's are young adults, I really should be happy and living,loving life...no, now I have to work on re building my life...ugh...thought I did that when I divorced my husband.

Thanks for reading...you guys are so wonderfulscorebad
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Old 05-30-2013, 10:14 AM
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Cambell, I so relate to what you've written. I was for the longest time wondering how I got myself in this mess and just couldn't move forward. Thanks to this board and some great support, I've been able to get into the frame of mind of taking care of myself and starting the journey to leaving. And to answer your question, I do think it will get better for you. It's a long journey of self discovery and some of it is very painful. Just want to tell you I admire you and I'm glad you are starting to care for yourself.
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Old 05-30-2013, 10:22 AM
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From my limited knowledge, I see a woman that has spent a year in misery after a shorter honeymoon beginning of the relationship, and hasn't known the man two years yet...7 months compared to nearly a year...more time in misery than in happiness...and not married to the guy...you freed yourself from a marriage that didn't work, why would you stay in a situation that is less invested, but perhaps even more miserable? you have choices here!

Your limited contact rule is very good for you right now!
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Old 05-30-2013, 10:30 AM
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I know what your saying...go figure!...I invest into a 16 year marriage and I eventually leave..and I am struggling with a relationship that has had more misery and sadness than happiness. Very short honeymoon period. Maybe my sadness will be just as short.
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Old 05-30-2013, 11:03 AM
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I am in kind of the same situation, cambell. I was with my XH (not an alcoholic/addict, but still had issues of his own) for 19 years, married for the last 11 of those years, but I realized at the end that although I 'loved' him, I wasn't 'in love' with him, ya know? We always got along well, hardly fought, but we were always more 'friends' than 'lovers.' After all, what did I know about being 'in love' at age 16, when I met him, with virtually no prior dating experience?? So I was able to end that relationship and walk away relatively easily (other than suffering through massive periods of guilt, because I felt that I was "ruining his life" by divorcing him - yeah, because who else was going to do all the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, laundry, make all the important decisions, etc. for him?? lol). But I have never once regretted my decision or wondered if it was the right thing to do - I knew it was the right thing to do, for both of us.

But the 16 month relationship with my XA?? TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY. I fell head over heels for him, wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, thought for sure he was "The One" (yes, despite his 25 year love affair with drugs and alcohol!!). No other event in my entire life has hurt me so deeply as the ending of this relationship. It's been three months, and I still have REALLY BAD days full of heart-wrenching pain and rivers of tears. But thankfully, they are getting less frequent as more time passes. Will I ever fully heal? Will I ever have a time in my future when I don't think of him on a daily basis or when I no longer hold any love for him in my heart? I hope so, but I really don't know at this point. But I do know that he wasn't good FOR me or TO me, and that I will come to realize, in time, that the ending of this extremely unhealthy relationship and the resulting pain and heartache, was a strangely-wrapped gift.

On a somewhat funny note (although I wasn't trying to be funny at the time, I was actually being very stubborn and trying to deny reality), I said to my therapist a few weeks ago, "I made a relationship with someone I wasn't even in love with last for 19 years - I know I could have definitely made this one last AT LEAST that long!!" (Man, talk about typically irrational codie logic, right?? lol) And my therapist sighed, looked at me over the top of his glasses and gently asked, "And is THAT what you want for the rest of your life? To have to MAKE a relationship work with someone who gives you so little in return for everything you give him??" Yeahhhhhh.....he shut me right up with that one, lol!

Hang in there, cambell!! Sending ((hugs)).
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Old 05-30-2013, 11:34 AM
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I wish I never got so sucked into this and became a caretaker( cause at first I thought, oh ok, he has just relapsed once, it will be fine and everything will be back to normal..hahah
Sadly the normal for him is probably what you witnessed for all those very short 7 months.

I WISH I had asked more questions in the beginning and made a healthier choice.
YOU are making a healthy choice for yourself right now today
I told him I needed to "figure this out" and he has been respectful of my wishes
Stick to it, move on and away from what is not working for you in your life. Finding peace and happiness with an on again off again drinking alcholic is not where you are going to find that.
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Old 05-30-2013, 11:43 AM
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Everhopeful, my first marriage was like that too, and 19 years long relationship. We haven't spoken since ending it 13 years ago and I am still the cause of global warming and everything else, which strikes me as funny and sad.
I think the thing here is that these newer relationships have/had passion which was lacking in those long uneventful marriages. That really changes the whole dynamic for deeper grieving and fighting to make it work.
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Old 05-30-2013, 12:10 PM
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Dear Cambell, I went through the same "how did I get myself into this mess"? I kept trying to figure out what had happened. Then I heard something in an AlAnon meeting that really resonated with me. Someone said "it's okay to look back, but don't stare". It helped me realize it wasn't helping me move forward if I kept staring back.

It is what it is. Can't go back and change anything now. But I can work on me moving forward, I can continue to go to meetings, and learn from the wisdom that is shared. I can make better choices moving forward. And so can you.
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Old 05-30-2013, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 View Post
Everhopeful, my first marriage was like that too, and 19 years long relationship. We haven't spoken since ending it 13 years ago and I am still the cause of global warming and everything else, which strikes me as funny and sad.
I think the thing here is that these newer relationships have/had passion which was lacking in those long uneventful marriages. That really changes the whole dynamic for deeper grieving and fighting to make it work.
^^^ABSOLUTELY, BlueSkies!!! I went from an almost-sexless marriage (because there was no real sexual chemistry between us - again, what did I know about THAT at age 16, considering my XH was my first lover??) right into first one short-lived relationship with a pothead and then right into this last relationship with my XA, who abuses cocaine, alcohol AND weed. Why?? Because the sexual chemistry was OFF THE CHARTS with the last two!! I think I had craved that kind of connection for so many years, that when I found it, I just couldn't control it!! Once I am finally ready to try again (if EVER, lol), the goal is to find someone who I can be friends AND lovers with, not just one or the other!!

And that is CRAZY that your relationship with your XH was 19 years, too!! I just have one financial matter to finish with my XH (basically transferring a car title from both our names to just mine when I pay it off next month), and then I really don't expect to have any future contact with him - it's been VERY limited since the initial separation two years ago, as it is. It's amazing how our stories overlap sometimes!
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Old 05-30-2013, 03:59 PM
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Wow,,,i am so relieved to read your replies..i was glad to see that those of you who read my thread understood exactly what I am going through...because I sure didn't....couldn't figure out why I didn't have an issue leaving my marriage, but having a hard time letting go of this...

you guy's helped me with that!
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Old 05-30-2013, 04:03 PM
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Who was your therapist Everhopeful 721? Will he/she come to Canada?
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Old 05-30-2013, 04:10 PM
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That is true for me "blueskies" while sober he was/is a great man, generous, kind and thoughtful and not to mention easy on the eyes. I was getting something from him that I lacked in a pathetic marriage. Yes and like one other person said on this post..i made my marriage work for 19 years, I thought I could make this one work. That is me, crystal clear!!
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Old 05-30-2013, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by cambell View Post
Who was your therapist Everhopeful 721? Will he/she come to Canada?
LOL, cambell!! Yes, he is AWESOME and has been a Godsend to me these last few months!! Ummm....I'm not sure if he'll travel THAT far, but I could sure ask him!! (Well, just as long as he doesn't decide to totally relocate - I need him too much!!!)
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Old 05-30-2013, 04:23 PM
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Dear campbell, I think what Everhopeful and Blueskies spoke of---the delights of discovering sexual passion for the first time---sure does add a dimension to the intensity with which we cling to the relationship--even when other aspects turn out to be faulty--this is something that is seldom touched on in the postings, here.

Those of us will little experience in life or very low self-esteem can feel like that "magic" only existed one time and is lost to us forever.

There are 7 billion humans on this planet--roughly 50% are male---31/2 billion.

Not ALL of those men can be F*****-up. The magic can happen again--and m uch better when it comes in a healthy wrapping!!! (we have to get healthy to attract it, though).

Great thread!!

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Old 05-30-2013, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Dear campbell, I think what Everhopeful and Blueskies spoke of---the delights of discovering sexual passion for the first time---sure does add a dimension to the intensity with which we cling to the relationship--even when other aspects turn out to be faulty--this is something that is seldom touched on in the postings, here.

Those of us will little experience in life or very low self-esteem can feel like that "magic" only existed one time and is lost to us forever.
There are 7 billion humans on this planet--roughly 50% are male---31/2 billion.

Not ALL of those men can be F*****-up. The magic can happen again--and m uch better when it comes in a healthy wrapping!!! (we have to get healthy to attract it, though).

Great thread!!

dandylion
^^^^YES, Dandylion!!! I must confess, I'm TERRIFIED of never finding that 'connection' with another man ever again. I admit, I've been bothered these past months trying to figure out exactly WHY I seem to be so hung-up on the sex (aside from the fact that that's really the only part of himself that he ever gave me freely). I kept thinking to myself, "What is wrong with you?? How shallow can you be, to keep thinking about the sex??" After reading what you wrote, I now understand and I don't feel so embarrassed or ashamed. THANK YOU for explaining it so perfectly!! And keeping my fingers crossed that when the time comes, those of us who wish to will be able to find some of those 3 1/2 billion who AREN'T f***** up!!
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Old 05-30-2013, 06:41 PM
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Everhopeful721--you absolutely will!

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Old 05-30-2013, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Everhopeful721--you absolutely will!

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Thank you, dandylion - I really appreciate that.
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Old 05-31-2013, 06:23 AM
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a question..

Can anyone help me to understand why is it that I am JUST now feeling every conceivable emotion now....why didn't I feel any of these going through the chaos?..was I just in "caretaker mode? and now that he has been sober for 5/6 weeks, I feel crazy.
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Old 05-31-2013, 06:48 AM
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Dear cambell, this is much what the alcoholic describes once their drug-of-choice is removed. You are grieving the l oss of something that felt significant.

As you get back on your feet, this will get better.

It is so important to work on yourself because if one has co-dependent tendencies, they will find relationships with the same type of person into the future. Even if the person "looks" different in the beginning!!!

Now is a great window of time to learn about yourself.

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