lillamy

When you have to live with the consequences of your choices and actions.

And you look around for someone to blame and there's nobody.

Just your own dumb a**.

Goes for addicts.
Goes for codies.
Goes for everyone.

I'm having a pity party and when I'm done I'm going to pick myself up and keep on moving. But for right now, I'm clear-sightedly seeing that I am the person who put myself in this situation. And that stinks almost more than the situation. Knowing that dangit, I made the choices that brought me here. It's a breakthrough insight - somewhere, up till now, I've comfortably blamed AXH for everything.

And now I realize that while he was manipulative and abusive, I allowed him to be. I chose to stay. For way too long. I'm not beating myself up over that (much) - I did what I thought was best, every step of the way.

But I can't blame him for the fact that I didn't see the light earlier. That's all on me.

peacedove

hugs lillamy.
if it helps any at all...i was a dumb a**, too. different scenario but dumb a** nonetheless!
your posts show tremendous strength, power, intelligence, honesty, determination, fight and kindness as well. those aren't the only things--just a few! i read all of your posts because they give me strength. not that you wanted to be here to give me strength or be in any type of situation like you are~~you mentioned staying~~yes...it's part of loving...we won't do it the way we did this time again though.
prayers to you!

firebolt

I hear ya....

and the real kicker...it's ALL up to us to us to change it, too.

(((HUGS)))

posiesperson

Yup. It was quite the day when I realized that the "box" that I had complained about living in for years was actually a prison of my own making.

It doesn't excuse the behavior of others, but it sure is interesting that I put up with it for so.damn.long.

This side of things is SO freeing. It's a process of acknowledging my actions and forgiving myself...which I CAN control. One day at a time.

Hugs to you!
posie

peacedove

yep firebolt

and guess what? that stinks. big. donkey. turds. too.

lillamy~~i hope by the time you read the above~~you can crack a smile.

sorry, but the donkey turds made me LOL big time. i needed it. you did it!

NYCDoglvr

Yea, acknowledging that "I picked him" cut resentment and brought the focus right where it always belonged: me. What I saw was it was so much easier pointing the finger at someone else than dealing with codependency. An addiction is an addiction. His was booze, mine was him. And since I don't want to keep making the same choices (same man, different suit) it's great impetus to work hard.

Great topic, thanks for posting!

NYCDoglvr

One of my favorite lines comes from "Thelma & Louise": "Thelma, you get what you settle for".

LexieCat

LOL, yup, we're our own best "qualifier," aren't we?

Going "no contact" with ourselves isn't a viable option, either.

Oh, well, I was planning to share my pension with myself, anyway.

lillamy

I remember once saying to a friend who was convinced all his problems would be solved if only he could move to Oregon that "the problem with you moving to Oregon would be that you would be taking YOU with you!"

I'm so much better at giving advice than at accepting it.

neferkamichael

Lillyamy, very insightful, you are FANTASTIC.

Bubovski

'The past is a bucket of ashes' and is only really worthy, re the bad stuff, for re creating positives. I did a lot of miserable past rehearsals before I learnt to stop, well partially, anyway................improvement never ends!

caboblanco

yes, but at some point it becomes refreshing and cathartic, i think

Tuffgirl

One of my friends said the other day "That stinks more than cleaning up all the dog poop in your yard after a long winter!!" LOL! Your title reminded me of that...

I dunno - sometimes I think its simply a learning lesson in the game of life, and lillamy, we passed with flying colors!

Better than thinking I'm an asshat for having a bad picker!

LadyInLimbo

Yeah, hindsight is 20/19. But at least in looking back, you see how to do things differently once you turn around and decide to move forward.

SolTraveler

As you said, you did what you thought was best. It is hard to see clearly when you are involved with an alcoholic, so try not to blame yourself too much. You learned a valuable lesson. Time to move on.

LexieCat

And just think, when we were doing all that ENABLING, we were depriving the alcoholics from the joys of realizing that they are THEIR own problem.

peacedove

oh, you mean they realize they are their own problem? wha?wha?what?? j/k

LexieCat

Well, I guess that WAS a bit of an overstatement. Maybe I should have said we deprive them of the opportunity to be hit in the head with the consequences of their own worst problem--leading SOME of them to eventually realize it. Hopefully. If they do the work.

dandylion

lilliamy, now that you know better--you will do better. But, that doesn't mean that you should excuse his manipulation or abuse one little bit. Be careful to own ONLY your share of it--not all of it.

Many of us were raised with the value system of long suffering loyalty. We were also taught that love conquers all--that if we love l ong enough and hard enough--the prize would be ours. We were young and we believed that. It took bitter experience for some of us to learn that it is senario dependent. This leads me right back to the serenity prayer......."the wisdom to know the difference".....

I hear where you are coming from.

damdylion

kasie

I agree. It stinks. Knowing that we actually knew better and still stayed. Knowing that we really had a choice but didn't exercise it. Knowing that we could have stepped up, made a move earlier and not wasted so much time. Yes, it stinks.

However - this is where our recovery comes in. We were sick too. We suffered from codependency/enabling behaviours. It's not just the A who is sick, it's us too. And often we're far sicker, but people don't recognise it because we're not the ones who have been to hospital, have ailing physical health, etc.

We need time to heal and recover too. And we need to be patient and gentle with ourselves. And in our recovery, we learn not to make the same mistakes and fall into the same behaviour patterns.

I've learnt that the more I work my program (AlAnon), and the better I get myself, the less As and their enablers like me. Back in the heights of my codependency I would be beside myself, doing everything I possibly could to change their minds. But now I know better. I know that I can't change/control them, and I know that because I've woken up and won't perpetuate their alcoholic tendencies or enabling behaviours (or accept unacceptable behaviour more generally) that's to their disadvantage and they don't like it. And that's a signal of my progress towards recovery. And I like it