I am in kind of the same situation, cambell. I was with my XH (not an alcoholic/addict, but still had issues of his own) for 19 years, married for the last 11 of those years, but I realized at the end that although I 'loved' him, I wasn't 'in love' with him, ya know? We always got along well, hardly fought, but we were always more 'friends' than 'lovers.' After all, what did I know about being 'in love' at age 16, when I met him, with virtually no prior dating experience?? So I was able to end that relationship and walk away relatively easily (other than suffering through massive periods of guilt, because I felt that I was "ruining his life" by divorcing him - yeah, because who else was going to do all the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, laundry, make all the important decisions, etc. for him?? lol). But I have never once regretted my decision or wondered if it was the right thing to do - I knew it was the right thing to do, for both of us.
But the 16 month relationship with my XA?? TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY. I fell head over heels for him, wanted to be with him for the rest of my life, thought for sure he was "The One" (yes, despite his 25 year love affair with drugs and alcohol!!). No other event in my entire life has hurt me so deeply as the ending of this relationship. It's been three months, and I still have REALLY BAD days full of heart-wrenching pain and rivers of tears. But thankfully, they are getting less frequent as more time passes. Will I ever fully heal? Will I ever have a time in my future when I don't think of him on a daily basis or when I no longer hold any love for him in my heart? I hope so, but I really don't know at this point. But I
do know that he wasn't good FOR me or TO me, and that I will come to realize, in time, that the ending of this extremely unhealthy relationship and the resulting pain and heartache, was a strangely-wrapped gift.
On a somewhat funny note (although I wasn't trying to be funny at the time, I was actually being very stubborn and trying to deny reality), I said to my therapist a few weeks ago, "I made a relationship with someone I wasn't even in love with last for 19 years - I know I could have definitely made this one last AT LEAST that long!!" (Man, talk about typically irrational codie logic, right?? lol) And my therapist sighed, looked at me over the top of his glasses and gently asked, "And is THAT what you want for the rest of your life? To have to MAKE a relationship work with someone who gives you so little in return for everything you give him??" Yeahhhhhh.....he shut me right up with that one, lol!
Hang in there, cambell!! Sending ((hugs)).