CeciliaV

Husband called me this morning to say he really appreciates that I'm supportive of him & that he loves me. I was a little surprised and asked if he was working his AA steps or something, and he said he just wanted to make sure I knew that. I know words are just words, but I gotta admit, it was nice to get an out of the blue call like that.

Marshmallow

Hi !! I just sent you a p.message. I was at the meeting, and I found it helpful. The topic for those that dont know was boundaries - part I and for me it was very good. But I have to add this in, Ive been reading some about boundaries here and they seem rigid and sort of mean, no offense to anyone. But they explained they are like a velvet rope, and can be easily moved, and they can be gentle and expressed with concern for my welfare and that of our relationship. (Cecelia can tell me if Im off so far) I wasnt sure what to expect from the meeting and decided not to tell my husband until I had a better understanding. I did have to be a little sneaky. I was able to listen to about half, and then I had to record the other half. (with an actual voice recorder - my computer may do that but I didnt know how!!) now I will be able to listen to the other half today I hope. And I think my books will come today or tomorrow. Oh and the two main speakers, their voices were calm and relaxing. I needed that.

LeSigh

Ooh. Recorded meetings. That's a great idea. When I saw you guys talking about if I got all excited, the al-anon hp factor is a real block for me in going to regular face to face meetings..

But. Online smart meeting is at 2am local time..

Recording it on my computer would fix it though, I could catch up in the morning..

Any pointers on how you did it would be awesome!?

X

CeciliaV

VERY happy to report that my parents seem to be respecting my boundary. They only called once since we talked on Saturday! That is HUGE considering the daily "are you alive, are you breathing?!" calls during AH's last rehab stay. They called to ask me to look up directions to a new doctor's office (they don't have a computer, so I AM google to them, lol!). We chatted for a while. It was nice.

I also talked with the doc yesterday - blood work came back okay, just low Vitamin D levels. Which is odd, since I'm taking a multivitamin with twice the daily level, and I routinely have OJ or soy milk with Vitamin D. Hrm. I'm also really glad that my lupus ANA titre came back negative - hooray! Still not sure why my levels were so high about 10 years ago, but glad they're okay now. The only bummer is that the doc forgot to ask them to run cholesterol tests the first time around, so now I have to wait a couple days to see if they still can rerun it or if I have to come back for another blood draw.

Talked with the doc briefly about the zoloft script. I'm still doing more research but leaning towards going on it. If it will help me feel more balanced, then it's a good thing. I'm also still waiting on the referrals I need for counseling and a dermatologist, but those should hopefully come through in a couple days.

Things are okay with AH. Chatting every day for a few minutes here & there. He's actually been calling me less these last couple days. Part of me misses the calls, but I let him know that daytime phone calls while I am at work are hard - in an IT support position, I can't exactly excuse myself at will. Also still waiting to have that group convo with his counselor. She was out sick Tuesday, and so we're tentatively rescheduled for first thing this Monday morning (which works with my work schedule - I start late on Mondays). I'd rather do an in person meeting, but she's still either unwilling or unable to do a weekend meeting, so we may try to do an evening meeting next week. Waiting to hear back on that.

Been trying to take good care of myself this week, but I'm feeling so tired lately, even when I'm getting a good night's sleep. Maybe it's the rainy weather, or maybe it's the many many months of doing too much that's finally catching up with me. I swear, lately I'm sleeping more than I ever have. I must need the rest!

I finally picked up a crochet hook again this week and am almost done making a pretty purple ruffle scarf - I just have to figure out how to finish it off and tuck in the ends. It was really nice to do something creative again - it's been too long.

One thing I'm having a hard time with is visual triggers. If I see an empty bottle of booze tossed on the street when I'm out walking the dog, I think of my AH. If I go to the bathroom and see the crooked toilet paper holder, I am reminded that my AH broke the last one and has nearly broken this one too. I sorted through our inside recycling bin and came across a couple of empties, still there from before he went to rehab and I flinched. I see commercials for alcohol on TV, and I just feel BLEH. If I do the bills and come across one of the booze charges, I flash back. Sigh. It feels a bit like PTSD. I'm hoping these feelings will fade in time. Maybe I should just add this trigger-trauma to the list of things to go over when I get into counseling.

All in all though, I'm doing well. Just taking it day by day. Still reading, still moving forward as best as I can.

CeciliaV

I bit the bullet and took my script to the pharmacy last night...took my first pill this morning. It's generic zoloft (sertraline). So far, it's a little weird! I can best describe it as feeling a little "woobly." I feel tired and kinda "wheee" at the same time - but that could be because I didn't sleep too well last night, so I'm going to give it some time and see how it goes.

Marshmallow

I think they take some time to build up in your system, to give you the full effect. The commercial the little purple guy looks happy !

Marshmallow

Im sorry I didnt reply sooner, but Ive been off for a few days, we have been working on taxes. My husband, well I feel like I need to double check it all because of the binge two weeks ago. I have to sign those forms you know !

Sadly I was confused and Im not the best computer person. I used actual tiny voice recorder i sometimes used for seminars. I laid it right on the computer and it did its thing. It worked fine. I think the computer must be able to record, but I dont know how to do it. I tried to look to see if they had a podcast available and dont see one, but they do have meeting outline available. My little pocket recorder didnt cost too much though, it worked good.

CeciliaV

Happy weekend! I'm feeling pretty good today. I got a really good night's rest, and I got back a short while ago from the family session & visit with AH at rehab. No other family members showed up so I had the counselor to myself today. It was kinda awesome. I told him about my convo & boundaries with my parents (okay, so it was mostly my mom) and he was really impressed...and to be honest, I'm still pretty impressed with myself, too. It was empowering to share that and it felt good to get an ATTA GIRL from the counselor, lol!

We talked a lot about me working on me. I vented a bit. Talked about how I am trying to focus on me, the steps I'm trying to take, etc. And I came to the realization that I've been doing my best work on me while AH is in rehab. And that worries me. He has no set departure date yet - he's been there just over two weeks and isn't sure if he'll come out of there at the 4 week/1 month mark. And AH has been waffling on going to a sober living facility after rehab, and I spoke with the counselor about that. He asked me how *I* feel about him coming home after rehab. We tried that with the last round of rehab, and that didn't work out so well! The counselor said the "nothing changes if nothing changes" adage, and I had to admit that I think it would be better for me and my recovery if AH doesn't come straight home. It was a pretty big AHA! moment for me.

So after my serendipitous one-on-one counseling session and lunch, I visited with my AH. We chatted for a bit. He told me how he's doing, how he's feeling different this time in rehab and is focusing more on himself and less on helping others there. And we talked about "after rehab." I asked him how he felt about sober/transitional living. He still was not feeling too great about it. And I got up the gumption to tell him that I've been doing well with him in rehab and with me on my own, and that I think it would be healthier for me if he would go to a sober living place after rehab. I'm not strong enough yet - I fear that if he were to come home right away, I would slip back into my old codie ways and focus too much on him and not enough on me. We're both so green in our recovery and it would be good for me if he were go someplace other than home right out of rehab, and I think it would be good for him, too. It was really hard to tell him all this, but I'm glad I did. And HE'S glad I did, too! So he's going to work on finding someplace, and he said he will work out an extended stay at rehab if he needs to wait to get into a transitional facility.

Phew! I gotta say, that was HARD. But I walked out of there today feeling so damn good and with my head held high. I was honest - not just with him, but with myself. I stood up for myself. I cannot risk my own recovery just because AH wants to come home right after rehab. I'm not going to put a timeline on transitional living. He's not even out of rehab yet. We can talk more about that in the coming days and weeks. For now, I'm just damn proud of myself, so pardon me as I pat myself on the back a bit, lol! I think Saturdays are my "power days." Two Saturdays in a row, I've taken a stand for me. I've stated my needs and my boundaries to myself and to others. I'm liking this pattern. I'm going to do my best to keep it up!

Justshy

About the Zoloft, yes it takes a little while to kick in. I started on it for my anxiety, gained some weight and my dr switched me to Lexapro which worked too well...I pretty much didn't care about anything, wasn't happy or sad, just blah. It did stress me out that there wasn't a generic and it cost me $150 a month, so....I switched back to generic Zoloft about 6 months ago...still gained a little weight...but promptly lost it when my RAH moved out in January. It keeps me very, I guess I would say "even" or "stable" feeling. I still have emotions...happy, sad, mad, etc. but it gives me enough "pause" I guess to act/react appropriately. I'm a lot less anxious. It's not a wonder drug. My mind still spins all the time (on a side note I have read a lot about add/ADHD lately and think that might be the culprit, not sure). Anyhow, give it at least 6 weeks. Good luck!

NYCDoglvr

Pretty pessimistic prediction. I think it's a good thing that he's willing to keep working on getting and staying sober, another rehab is certainly called for.

CeciliaV

Well, it's been a while, figured it's time for an update. Been super tired this last week. I think my body is still trying to get used to the zoloft and I've been battling attacks of the sleepies in the evenings...to the point where I'm falling asleep on the couch at 8:30pm, and I slept through THREE phone calls on Friday night, lol! Maybe it's not just the meds though...I've been battling with a lot for a long time, and having been over-stressed and sleep deprived for many, many years, it may be catching up with me. The weather this last week didn't help much either - days of rain, flooding, thunderstorms, bleh. And it freaking snowed on Friday night to boot. Crazy Chicago spring-time weather at it's finest.

With as tired as I've been, I feel like I didn't make a lot of progress this last week. I'm happy that I've not rolled back on my boundary about AH not coming straight home after rehab, though. He's been looking into sober living facilities and has some appointments to visit a couple tomorrow. I skipped the family-of counseling session at his rehab facility yesterday - too tired for it to be of much good, and I needed a break.

AH got a pass for the afternoon yesterday, so I picked him up and we went to lunch. It was good, but it was weird! We chatted about him going to a sober living facility. I told him that I need more time to myself, that I haven't really lived on my own and need more practice at taking care of myself. I fear I'd fall back into my codie caretaker ways all too easily if he were to come straight home. And it sounds like he's feeling better about it too - he's frustrated (at the situation, not at me), but he thinks it's going to be good for him as well. And I have to agree. Sober living won't be as structured as rehab, but there will be some structure, and he'll have to attend meetings, get a sponsor, do service, etc. Living in a supportive environment post-rehab may help him to adjust and segue back into life "on the outside." And it will help me adjust and keep moving forward in my own recovery as well.

I don't know how long I want him to stay elsewhere though. That's where I'm stuck. I'm thinking at least 1-2 months. I need the time, and so does he. He's got lots of good words to say, but I need to actually see his choices and actions. If he's taking good steps and is showing that he's actively working on his sobriety and recovery, then we can talk about whether he can come home.

Cost is a factor too...these places ain't cheap. We're talking about $600-700/month - they provide a place to live and a supportive environment, but all other living costs (food, toiletries, etc.) are not included, so the total cost is due to be higher. We're far from swimming in money, but we've got some money set aside and should be able to swing a couple month's stay financially without too much pain. I will NOT however be dipping into my just-in-case account to fund this venture...we've got enough in other savings funds that I don't need or want to give up my financial security blanket.

Ah's 28-day stint at rehab is up this Friday, but if he can't find an opening in a sober living facility by then, he may stay a at rehab bit longer until a spot opens up. It sounds like he's making some good progress there, and he's focusing on his relapse-prevention plans and doing some pretty intensive therapy sessions. Unfortunately, I still have yet to meet with his counselor - we had a session scheduled this last Thursday, but it was cancelled as his counselor spent the previous night in the ER with her partner. We're tentatively scheduled for another session this coming Thursday evening. Considering the bad run of scheduling luck we've been having, I'm not holding my breath.

Anywho, my focus for this week has to be getting re-focused on me and my recovery. And battling through the sleepies. I have to get off my duff and work on me, because no one else is going to do it for me! I have to go beyond just attending my online meetings and actually do the "homework" and goal-setting and keep reading and learning and growing. Today, I have to work on making a plan for the week, and I also have to try to get my house in order...all the sleepiness this last week didn't leave me much energy to clean or pick up, and this place is a bit of a wreck.

And there ya have it. Looking forward to a new week and new goals and new progress.

HopefulmomtoD

Has it been 28 days already? That went quickly, huh? Are you bothered by seasonal allergies? The pollen, etc. is horrible here in the northeast. Itchy eyes, watery nose ... it seems like it makes me extra tired.

Good job on holding your boundary about sober living. Hopefully, something will open soon.

Bluegalangal

That counselor kind of drives me up the wall.

I was in Zoloft a few years ago for PMS and while it worked I remember that it wiped me out. ****{hugs}}}

I really liked what you had to say about words vs. actions.

CeciliaV

Yeah, the counselor sounds like she's working well with AH, but not so well with scheduling anything with me. Meh, her job is to work with him, so I guess I can't be too up in arms about it.

And OMG, I just fell asleep on the couch again! Went from watching TV and "just resting my eyes for a moment" to zonking out for a totally accidental three hour nap. I really hope I move past this phase of being pooped all the time.

wicked

I just saw you respond on another thread, and I thought,
"what is CV up to?"
Then I come back in with the dog, and there you are!
Kismet! LOL
I love that word.

Sounds like you are doing great stuff for you.
Such a wonderful thing.
Ah, the tiredness. Fatigue. I hear ya on that.
How long do you have to "adjust" to the meds?

jmartin

C -
Glad to hear your update. It's funny you mention the sleep problems, I have had similar symptoms - late afternoon/early evening I can barely keep my eyes open, but then not sleeping at all well through the night. AW is still in rehab, my family sessions are next week. I have barely thought about it, just focused on getting my own house in order. Lately I have begun thinking about how to handle her return, though. I just do not know what I want or need. My situation leading up to rehab wasn't nearly as bad as yours, but I have to say I'm just not feeling it, I totally understand and support your decision to maintain some distance.

CeciliaV

Beth, I think that after 4-6 weeks, I should equalize...and that's a good 2-4 weeks out. At that point, I'll know if the sleepies are just par for the course or part of me getting used to the meds, and I also should be able to tell if it's doing me any good, if I need to up my dosage, or change meds.

In doing some research, fatigue is a common side effect for zoloft, with some people getting through the fatigue after a few weeks and others having it as long as they take it. Oddly though, there are lots of people who report insomnia with zoloft. I guess everyone responds to it differently. I'm going to stick it out and see how it goes.

CeciliaV

I hope the family sessions go well for you next week. I think family sessions can vary in their focus, and I really didn't know what to expect from the sessions that I went to - both the ones that were for family members only and the ones where I was with my AH and his counselors. It was a bit unnerving, but I'm glad I went. Granted, AH was drinking again shortly after his first rehab stint, but in those sessions we had with his counselors, we communicated more than we had in a long time. He got to tell me about where he was at, and I got to express myself and my own feelings in a safe environment.

Your AW is in her second week at rehab now, no? At this point, at least you'll get to see her in sober and will be able to have some conversations with her and not with the alcohol. Conversations are much less crazy-making when both individuals are sober! And as for what happens when she gets out of rehab...just take your time, you'll know what feels right. Listen to yourself. I don't know that sober living post-rehab is right for everyone, but for me, I think it's the best decision.

Hope you're able to get some good rest. My nighttime ritual has become peeling myself off the couch, giving the dog his final walk of the evening, and then snuggling into bed, surrounded by pillows and with a relaxation/meditation video playing on my phone. I highly recommend it. I've been doing the bedtime videos for a couple weeks now, and it's helping, although I didn't need too much help to get to sleep these last few days!

wicked

It is amazing how differently people react. Even the members of the same family!

My son (on the spectrum of bi polar, mostly depression) could not tolerate Prozac, and it worked wonders for me.

Of course you know that sticking with it is the only way to find out how it works, but man, I do know about that wait. for six weeks. when you feel crappy. bleh.

How is your dog doing? I love that avatar, a smiling Border Collie.

You are really a miracle to watch. Keep it up.


Beth

CeciliaV

thanks, Beth! The pup is doing pretty well...actually, when you take into account that he's 14, he's doing fantastic. He's the best counselor and best friend I could ask for. On days when I'm feeling lonely (which has been more often lately, ugh), he's there for me and makes me feel so much better. With my social anxieties, it's hard for me to really connect with other people, but I connect with dogs so well, and my dog-wonder is no exception. Me thinks I need to use that dog-connection to my advantage and get myself a volunteer position at a shelter like I've been thinking/talking about. It would get me out of the house, I'd be doing good, I'd get to play with other doggies, and maybe I'll make a couple friends along the way. I could really use some more human contact and conversation outside of family and work.