FireSprite

Oh darn, I forgot about your pup!

CeciliaV

Seriously, this is getting redonkulous. He called to tell me he's going in this afternoon/early evening. I asked what happened. He said "bad things." I guess he forgot that when he made his second call to the rehab center last night, they told him he couldn't come in if he was drunk. So now he's calling them back again. This should be interesting. And I'm starting to feel nauseous.

firebolt

I've come home plenty of times not wanting to hang out with a drunk. He was getting agitated over nothing once (shocker) so I grabbed my tent and sleeping bag, my dog, dogfood, a great book, and my headlamp and headed for the nearest fishing access for the night.

I was in tears half the evening - just feeling despair and pathetic.... THEN stopped, and thought about all the things I was thankful for, all the things that made me lucky - even though I understood where my relationship is probably going to end up, and even though I was there to flee a pointless fight with a drunk. I was drained - dove into my book, cuddled with my dog, built a fire, gazed at the stars, and tried to clear my mind the best I could.

Got up at sunup the next am to rush home and give him the hell he was due...and realized (only thanks to SR and Alanon) that it was pointless. I hung out there all day. Ran to town for some crap food and a smutty cosmo and people magazines and went back to my spot and stayed another night.

A few close friends know the bs with abf. They have families though, and I don't ever want to show up crying, read eyed and snot-nosed - to their families nice dinner....so now I have my "peaceful" place that I can get away from the sound of the vodka hitting the bottom of the glass.

Honestly - one of the best weekends ever. Did it on my own - enjoyed the hell out of it. I'm stronger because of it - more spiritual because of it, and it's in the bank to do again should I need or WANT to. Spiritual therapy - or in non faith terms: a reconnection of energy and strength ...and of course peace is my hope for you tonight .

jmartin

Hey CecilaV -
I just posted a thread of my own today (I haven't looked at the site in a while) - and your thread caught my eye, I had to read it all the way through. I am so sorry to hear how it is playing out - I can only say it sounds like, but for the grace of god, I am a maybe month behind you as my own little drama unfolds with my relapsing AW who is just entering rehab. I can totally identify with your situation, your exasperation, and fighting the urges to enable. I struggle to hope that my outcome will be any different. All the best, thanks for sharing.

stella27

You deserve better, Cecilia. Just sayin'.

CeciliaV

Thanks for the hope for peace. I need it. And OH, how I want to run away right now! Unfortunately, I have to go to work tomorrow. Bleh. If another coworker wasn't already going to be out of the office, I'd take a sick (mental health!) day. I could use it. Still no word back from my manager re:taking Monday off. She's swamped right now and way behind on emails and I barely see her lately...I may have too tackle her in the hallway and beg for the day off, I really really need it.

CeciliaV

Oh yes yes yes, I agree. I do NOT deserve this.

CeciliaV

I didn't make a decision before I came home on whether he could stay or would have to leave tonight, and wow, what a bad decision on my part! I came home to him PLOWED to the point where he couldn't even physically leave if I wanted him to. Working on his third pint of vodka. He hadn't done any prepping for rehab like he said he would other than packing his clothes and getting a couple items out that he wants to take with him. In theory, he's getting picked up tomorrow morning for rehab (I'm not holding my breath).

I lost it again. I got it all out of my system. He is far enough gone that he won't remember much if anything of this. But I did say quite clearly and more than once, "I hate you." And right now, I do hate him. I hate what he's become. I hate what I've allowed myself to become because of it. But I can't dwell on that. I will make myself (more) bonkers. I got it all out of my system and have been avoiding him since my blowout. I'm going to eat some dinner, try to sooth my raging headache, and just be this evening.

Serenity now!

alchiewifey

Have you read the pigeon analogy in Al Anon's Courage to Change book? Summary is a guy sits under a tree full of pigeons and gets upset with them that they constantly poop on him, finally he realizes, they're just doing what pigeons do...and if he sat somewhere else he could avoid getting pooped on. Good message, eh?!

redatlanta

**Sigh**

This is such a valuable thread for those coming to SR because in 12 pages it shows what happens pretty much from start to finish. I just read about him not going this morning and my thoughts were....well I bet you can guess.

I wish I could be positive that tomorrow he will go. I am not. I am positive you are at your wits end. I hope you are. Its the best thing for you.

I would love to give you a big hug. So accept this cyber one ((())) will be thinking about you tonight. best, Red

CeciliaV

Well that was fast. I just blew up for a third time.

I had segregated myself to the bedroom. I grabbed my phone and found a meditation video on YouTube and it was blissful. I'm pretty damn sure I fell asleep. Until he came into the bedroom, slapped on the bright light, and walked out. Stupid me, I called him back and asked wth that was about, & he said he wanted to talk to me. I asked what he wanted to talk to me about. He said, "Nothing." I freakin came UNGLUED. It went downhill from there. I cursed. I yelled. I threw stuff. I blamed him for breaking my serenity and for breaking me.

And then he had the cajones to come to me a few minutes later, after making a dramatic show of packing, and he asked me for help with packing his toiletries & his stuff. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! The words I want to say will never make it through the forum filters, so I won't even bother. Just use your imagination!

This is not what or who I want to be. If the alcohol doesn't kill him, I might. He's totally stringing me along, and I keep letting him. Last night, I was telling myself I can make it through one more day, he'll be gone for a month tomorrow. Except that didn't work out so well. I don't know that he'll even go to rehab tomorrow. He may not ever go. I can't keep sitting under the damn pigeon and keep being mad that I'm getting shat on. I feel like such a freaking fool.

SparkleKitty

(((Cecilia)))

It's progress, not perfection. In light of all else you are dealing with I implore you to be gentle with yourself. You handled it how you handled it. No one is judging you; you don't have to judge yourself. You are one human being living in an impossible conflict between your heart, your head, and your conscience, and you are doing the best you can.

We're all behind you. We're all in awe of you.

LoveMeNow

When my husband relapsed, my recovery did too.....and I thought I had come so far. Without really understanding it, my recovery was simply depended on his. If he was doing well, then I was. When the true test came, I failed miserably.

I am not sure how anyone can do this without God, a therapist, and/or Alanon. You have said that you have isolated so I can not tell you how much a face to face support group will help you. Like him, like me, like many of here, the choice is yours! Addiction is too powerful, you are no match for it alone!! JMO

LaTeeDa

You are very angry and he is very drunk. That's a volatile combination. I strongly suggest you get away from him before one of you says or does something you regret. There are many hotels that take dogs. Your short term need for peace is what's important right now. You can figure out what you want to do about the long term later. Right now, it would be in your best interests to pack whatever you need for work tomorrow and go somewhere else. I'm telling you this because it's something I wish I would have done.

L

LexieCat

Hi, C,

Just got back from my trip, so sorry things are going this way right now. I think LTD's idea isn't a bad one. Just get away for a day or two. The day I left the house I was living in with my second husband, I checked into an el-cheapo motel (you can afford something nicer) and holed up for a week or so while I planned my next move. I spent the following week at my brother's, by which time I found a small apartment.

Obviously, you don't have to be the one to move (unless, of course, he refuses to leave and you have no other option). The point is, I had to be away from the in-your-face insanity to be able to think through what I really wanted and to do some serious planning.

On one level, he may want to quit, but for whatever reason he isn't THERE right now. Maybe he's scared, maybe it was harder than he expected it would be (what with being so damn SMART and SPECIAL and all). Reading your thread brings me right back, emotionally, to how I felt at that time. Scared, but knowing I was not up for any more of that particular ride.

Go easy on yourself--this is hard, but just like an alcoholic's quitting drinking, there are no shortcuts or ways to avoid pain. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith that if you do what you know to be in your best interest, things will eventually work out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes the alcoholic gets well when we get out of the way, and sometimes they don't. Either way, YOU can wind up in a good place.

Just sending you hugs of encouragement. We are all rooting for you.

CeciliaV

Thank you...I teared up when I read this. I am very hard on myself in general, and I know I need to ease up and forgive myself for my flaws. I can tell others so readily to be easy on themselves and to do what's good for them and to take care of themselves, but I'm not so good at doing those things for myself. I'm better than I used to be, but I obviously have a ways to go.

I've calmed down quite a bit. In a way, I think that me blowing up was in a good. I know...it's been a hellish day, but stick with me here. I have pent up so much frustration; I've bitten my tongue; I've done everything to care for, "help" (read: enable), support, and coddle this man. My three blow-ups today were me finally saying "enough." Not in a terribly healthy way, mind you, but it had to come to the surface. I *have* reached my wits end. Whether he goes to rehab tomorrow or not, I am not spending one more night like this. I refuse. I will not give up what's left of my sanity. Either that pigeon goes & finds another tree or I find myself a temporary tree house sans poopy pigeon.

He's finally stopped asking me to help him pack (after I said no for the 5th or 6th time and then just stopped responding). I'm on the opposite end of the condo and am avoiding him. I'm in my jammies. Took some meds for my throbby head. I ate some yummy dinner. I loved on my dog - I got down on the floor next to that sleepy old furry wonder and got lost in his fur for a bit. It was fantastic. Better than any meditation video! And this may sound silly, but I apologized to my dog. He's shouldn't have to put up with this drama and stress. I gave him some "I'm sorry, my furry old man" kisses on his snout. And then he sneezed in my face. Gotta love dogs.

And to bring some more levity to the discussion (I could use it!)...do you all wanna know what I things I threw before? Utensils into the dishwasher (oooh, look at me clean, take that!) and cheese. Yes, let me repeat that last part - I threw CHEESE. I don't know why, but I find the fact that I threw cheese quite funny & giggle-inducing right now. Maybe I'm finally cracking mentally, I dunno. If hours/days/weeks/months ago someone told me that one day I'd snap and throw a package of sliced cheese down the hallway and into the living room, I would have thought them nuts. And in case anyone is wondering, cheese makes a very disappointing "thwap" sound. At the time, I was really hoping for at least a slightly more dramatic "thud."

SparkleKitty

I would try a different kind of cheese next time. Maybe a Gouda.

LexieCat

I threw a makeup bag at the alcoholic a day or two before I left.

Oh, and just as an historical point of interest, one of my favorite parts of Lois W.'s autobiography is where she threw a shoe at Bill. AFTER he got sober. Good ol' Lois.

wicked

Yes, find a place away from pigeon poop I love this story. I am listening to the New Codependent No More. Good stuff.

Yes! I do love my mini doxie, but she has the worst breath in the world. Then the sneezing. She is the only one that listens to me without comment. Just looks at me with those deep dark eyes. Sigh. She is a good dog. I am so glad you have a furry friend, they are wonderful.

Well, at least it wasn't messy! teeheehee I do understand the giggles after being furious, it is almost like crossing the finish line and winning. All that effort expended and the only thing I could do afterwards was laugh and try to catch my breath.
I threw a very heavy ashtray at my first husband. I am truly grateful I did not hit him with it. Yep, I was insane. He never forgot it.

You are doing great CV. Keep talking to your furry friend. I do, and it helps me a lot.

Beth

Lily1918

I also relapsed when my guy relapsed and I have read through your entire thread and I see nothing but strength. You can do this. I know you can make it through this. Hugs.