I had a good cry this morning. I was working on bills and sorting through the pile of mail, singing along to Sia, rocking out...and then part of the song Sweet Potato just punched me in the gut:
"Now my inner dialogue is heaving with detest
I am a martyr and a victim and I need to be caressed
I hate that you negate me, I'm a ghost at beck and call
I'm failing and placating, I berate myself for staying
I'm a fool, I'm a fool"
I BAWLED. Just looking at the lyrics now makes me all teary-like. I don't know why it hit me so damn hard, but it did.
I don't know if I'm going to the rehab center today. Even after coffee & waking up a bit and crying my eyes out. He definitely is terribly dependent upon me, as evidenced by the somewhat pathetic "please helllp me paaaaack!" pleas the other night and the pleas for help contacting HR, the rehab center, etc. And I certainly do see that whenever I detach a bit and/or set a boundary for myself, it has an impact on him and his actions. When I kicked him out to a motel end of January for a night, he was in rehab within a couple days; when I told him he works it while home OR finds a place he can work it OR find someplace else to not work it, he was again in rehab within a couple days. But I wonder...is this just him placating ME and doing what he thinks will keep me hooked a bit longer, or is this him actually making a concerted effort to work on his sobriety & recovery? I can't answer that. I don't know if even he can answer that honestly. Rehab is the "easy" part (from the perspective of no access to booze, people taking care of him...I'm not implying that rehab is a cakewalk) - him being sober and working on his recovery outside of rehab is the hard part.
I dunno. And yes, I still do find it strange that this rehab center allows outside contact relatively freely. They have access to use their counselors phones on downtime, but they have to wait their turn...otherwise, they can use a payphone on the main floor to make phone calls with a calling card. I wasn't sure if they would even allow a visit just one day after he checked back in, but they will. It all does strike me as a little odd given how other rehab centers tend to clamp down communications. In a way, I guess it speaks to their approach that family/community support can be part of the recovery process. And I'm not sure that's a great approach for all situations, and definitely not sure if it's a great approach in this situation.
I could use some support today, so maybe I will go to the family-of session. Maybe I can get something out of it. I *could* do the family group session, eat my lunch, and then decide whether I want to leave or stay to visit him. I've got a couple hours left to decide.