Acceptance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Acceptance
We often hear about acceptance in Al Anon and here at SR. I have heard the awareness, acceptance, and action saying many times and must admit that I am stuck in acceptance. At one point I felt confident to say that I 'accept' my AH's alcoholism and that I was ready to move towards action. Yet, as I challenge my thoughts deeper and search my heart I realize that I honestly accept the word alcoholic and I accept that he will drink and lie, etc, but I didn't accept other parts of his character or personality.
I have found myself getting very angry and resentful over the fact that AH doesn't help out much around the house(among other things). Or, he'll do the dishes and then leave the cookie trays or pots in the sink and only do the 'easy stuff'. So, when I wake up in the AM I find the dishes half-done. It's crazy making, quite frankly, and it's really because I am letting it make me crazy. Why? Because I haven't accepted that his laziness, his passive aggressiveness, his fatalist mentality, his anger, his depression, his sexist attitudes towards women, etc are ALSO things that must be accepted. I guess I kept looking at him and only seeing the alcohol abuse and the things that pertained to it(like the renting a car while on the ignition interlock and then drinking and driving said car) instead of seeing the whole kit and kaboodle that he is.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she keeps reminding me that he is ill and that she sees a mentally ill person who is not normal and that I obviously have not accepted that fact. I told her that what befuddles me is that he does act normal at times and it sets me back into thinking that, "ok, he's normal again. Whew, glad all that alcoholism stuff and other personality disordered stuff is over." It's like I have selective memory and I 'forget' the bad times once he starts acting GOOD for a few weeks. I let my guard down, we start communicating better, and then WHAM I'm hit by another round of craziness and wonder where it came from.
I have found myself getting very angry and resentful over the fact that AH doesn't help out much around the house(among other things). Or, he'll do the dishes and then leave the cookie trays or pots in the sink and only do the 'easy stuff'. So, when I wake up in the AM I find the dishes half-done. It's crazy making, quite frankly, and it's really because I am letting it make me crazy. Why? Because I haven't accepted that his laziness, his passive aggressiveness, his fatalist mentality, his anger, his depression, his sexist attitudes towards women, etc are ALSO things that must be accepted. I guess I kept looking at him and only seeing the alcohol abuse and the things that pertained to it(like the renting a car while on the ignition interlock and then drinking and driving said car) instead of seeing the whole kit and kaboodle that he is.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she keeps reminding me that he is ill and that she sees a mentally ill person who is not normal and that I obviously have not accepted that fact. I told her that what befuddles me is that he does act normal at times and it sets me back into thinking that, "ok, he's normal again. Whew, glad all that alcoholism stuff and other personality disordered stuff is over." It's like I have selective memory and I 'forget' the bad times once he starts acting GOOD for a few weeks. I let my guard down, we start communicating better, and then WHAM I'm hit by another round of craziness and wonder where it came from.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have just started to realize that even if my husband had addressed the alcohol use, I don't know if I could have lived with some of the other pieces (don't get me started on the dishes).
It was sad, and hard, but also liberating for me to realize that it went deeper then alcohol.
Good for you for getting to this stuff....you are really working hard.
It was sad, and hard, but also liberating for me to realize that it went deeper then alcohol.
Good for you for getting to this stuff....you are really working hard.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I've been reading and posting here for a looooong time. I've noticed that most folks struggle with that grey zone between awareness and acceptance. But once squarely in acceptance action is not far behind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
What occurs to me Liz, and I do not mean to be hurtful is that , for me, until I stepped away, got out of the chaos, and could look at my situation with new eyes, was I able to accept and let go.
I have been noticing lately that the anger, the hurt , the resentment is so low grade, it's almost like OH that happened.
Funny thing is, this morning I recieved another email, stating that it was all my fault, all the things I did over the last two years is what tore us apart. No growth on his part what so ever. My reaction, I prayed for my xabf's journey to peace, for his enlightnement, for his health. And then went on with my day, taking the dog to the park, taking care of some business. Along with being an alcoholic , my xabf, I have come to believe also suffers from , what I will call psychopathic tendencies at the very least. I'm smart, and yet I still did not see it when I was in it. While I was trying to nurture and save the relationship, all he was doing was destroying it, and he continues to do so, while I am healing.
I have let go, it took a lot of time, pain, frustration and tears, but acceptance was only half of it for me, the other half was trusting that in the end, handing his stuff over was essential for my own path of healing. I could not do that until I got further and further away.
I wish for you a peaceful day. Take good care, Katie
I have been noticing lately that the anger, the hurt , the resentment is so low grade, it's almost like OH that happened.
Funny thing is, this morning I recieved another email, stating that it was all my fault, all the things I did over the last two years is what tore us apart. No growth on his part what so ever. My reaction, I prayed for my xabf's journey to peace, for his enlightnement, for his health. And then went on with my day, taking the dog to the park, taking care of some business. Along with being an alcoholic , my xabf, I have come to believe also suffers from , what I will call psychopathic tendencies at the very least. I'm smart, and yet I still did not see it when I was in it. While I was trying to nurture and save the relationship, all he was doing was destroying it, and he continues to do so, while I am healing.
I have let go, it took a lot of time, pain, frustration and tears, but acceptance was only half of it for me, the other half was trusting that in the end, handing his stuff over was essential for my own path of healing. I could not do that until I got further and further away.
I wish for you a peaceful day. Take good care, Katie
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
"Acceptance" is about accepting the WHOLE person just as they are. And keep
in mind this may be as good as he ever gets.
Once the 'acceptance' of the 'whole' person is established in you, then you can
decide your next step.
Have you at least been to an attorney or two and found out if there is 'legal'
separation in your state, and if you should decide for that and/or a divorce
to ask for not only child support but alimony for a X amount of years so that
you can establish yourself in the working world? All this is information you
need to have, so that when you do 'accept' the whole person, and 'accept'
that this may be as good as he ever gets, you will be able to make some
solid decisions for you and your son.
Please talk with your sponsor about this particular topic of 'acceptance'. Now
I know of folks in Alanon, one is Alanon my sponsor, that did accept her AH just
as he was, stayed with him, rarely spoke with him or saw him, as he had his
own bedroom. For her, she felt it was the best, as they lived in California and
was damned if she was going to give him 'half' of everything, since she was
the one who bought the house, paid for the house, etc and she definitely was
not going to give him half of her 401K. It worked for her. She had a very
full life, sponsored in both AA and Alanon, still does, lol Has been a widow now
for 18 years and still is enjoying life to the fullest.
However, before any of the above could happen, "Acceptance" had to come
first. Acceptance of the 'whole' person and the 'whole' situation as it is in
the moment.
You can do this. I know you can. To give yourself some 'help' in this you
might consider moving into your 'own' space in your home, which also might
allow you to sleep better.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
in mind this may be as good as he ever gets.
Once the 'acceptance' of the 'whole' person is established in you, then you can
decide your next step.
Have you at least been to an attorney or two and found out if there is 'legal'
separation in your state, and if you should decide for that and/or a divorce
to ask for not only child support but alimony for a X amount of years so that
you can establish yourself in the working world? All this is information you
need to have, so that when you do 'accept' the whole person, and 'accept'
that this may be as good as he ever gets, you will be able to make some
solid decisions for you and your son.
Please talk with your sponsor about this particular topic of 'acceptance'. Now
I know of folks in Alanon, one is Alanon my sponsor, that did accept her AH just
as he was, stayed with him, rarely spoke with him or saw him, as he had his
own bedroom. For her, she felt it was the best, as they lived in California and
was damned if she was going to give him 'half' of everything, since she was
the one who bought the house, paid for the house, etc and she definitely was
not going to give him half of her 401K. It worked for her. She had a very
full life, sponsored in both AA and Alanon, still does, lol Has been a widow now
for 18 years and still is enjoying life to the fullest.
However, before any of the above could happen, "Acceptance" had to come
first. Acceptance of the 'whole' person and the 'whole' situation as it is in
the moment.
You can do this. I know you can. To give yourself some 'help' in this you
might consider moving into your 'own' space in your home, which also might
allow you to sleep better.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Laurie, yes legal separation is allowed in our state and yes I have spoken with an attorney. Only one, though, and not sure I liked him so I'm still looking.
As for the acceptance, all this came about after I spoke to my mom which then followed up with a call to my sponsor and then I met with my therapist yesterday. Same idea, just different tunes from all 3 of them. My sponsor has told me that there is no right thing to do and that sometimes staying is the right thing and sometimes it's not. She basically told me that no matter what I decide that it will be the RIGHT decision for me. For now, I still feel like I'm in indecision alley and I am not confident enough to make any big changes. Working on acceptance is a great place for me to start as handling the anger and resentment seem to be consuming me.
As for the acceptance, all this came about after I spoke to my mom which then followed up with a call to my sponsor and then I met with my therapist yesterday. Same idea, just different tunes from all 3 of them. My sponsor has told me that there is no right thing to do and that sometimes staying is the right thing and sometimes it's not. She basically told me that no matter what I decide that it will be the RIGHT decision for me. For now, I still feel like I'm in indecision alley and I am not confident enough to make any big changes. Working on acceptance is a great place for me to start as handling the anger and resentment seem to be consuming me.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
"Acceptance ~ is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place thing or situation-some fact of my life unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is suppose to be at this moment. Nothing absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake; Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
This is the little note that was given to me when I worked thru acceptance ~
I learned that for me it really wasn't about the unclean dishes, not helping around the house, the lonely times, and all that other stuff ~ what I had to accept was that my partner at the time didn't have mutual respect for me as an individual or as his wife. And then I decided that was not what I wanted out of a relationship.
Today, when Mr.PINK works a busy schedule, he will forget to pick up the dishes and sometimes the clothes happen to stay where they fall ~ I gladly clean up after him ~ why because there is an appreciation of me and a mutual respect. He will thank me for that, apologize for forgetting to do it and offer to help. Somtimes when I'm working both jobs, he has to do that for me ~ Like I said - it's not about the dirty dishes or any other house work ~ it's about the mutual respect of each other as an individual and as a equal member of our home ~
Something I didn't know you could have until I allowed myself to look at the 3 A's ~ awareness, acceptance and action ~
Continued wishes the best for you ~
pink hugs
This is the little note that was given to me when I worked thru acceptance ~
I learned that for me it really wasn't about the unclean dishes, not helping around the house, the lonely times, and all that other stuff ~ what I had to accept was that my partner at the time didn't have mutual respect for me as an individual or as his wife. And then I decided that was not what I wanted out of a relationship.
Today, when Mr.PINK works a busy schedule, he will forget to pick up the dishes and sometimes the clothes happen to stay where they fall ~ I gladly clean up after him ~ why because there is an appreciation of me and a mutual respect. He will thank me for that, apologize for forgetting to do it and offer to help. Somtimes when I'm working both jobs, he has to do that for me ~ Like I said - it's not about the dirty dishes or any other house work ~ it's about the mutual respect of each other as an individual and as a equal member of our home ~
Something I didn't know you could have until I allowed myself to look at the 3 A's ~ awareness, acceptance and action ~
Continued wishes the best for you ~
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
On the issue of acceptance, what makes it difficult for me where my young grandson is concerned is my innate desire for his health and well-being (I helped raise him and of course wanted him to "be well" - that hasn't changed) . . . when someone goes into rehab or AA or is working a program of recovery, naturally you start to have HOPE - you want the person well . . . it is difficult to accept someone sabotaging their health and well-being. I am struggling with this issue at the moment myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Yet, as I challenge my thoughts deeper and search my heart I realize that I honestly accept the word alcoholic and I accept that he will drink and lie, etc, but I didn't accept other parts of his character or personality.
It's crazy making, quite frankly, and it's really because I am letting it make me crazy. Why? Because I haven't accepted that his laziness, his passive aggressiveness, his fatalist mentality, his anger, his depression, his sexist attitudes towards women, etc are ALSO things that must be accepted. I guess I kept looking at him and only seeing the alcohol abuse and the things that pertained to it(like the renting a car while on the ignition interlock and then drinking and driving said car) instead of seeing the whole kit and kaboodle that he is.
Liz, this is so hard to get to this level of reflection, and you deserve a lot of kudos for all your hard work to get to understanding this.
For me, having left my alcoholic abusive porn addicted husband on July 4th, now six months ago, it took me months of not living with him to sort out what was normal behavior and what wasn't. Because I lived within that dysfunctional marriage/family system for so long, it was what I knew, and it was so familiar that it seemed okay. I had no other experience to compare it against, so I just accepted it. Until it became so outrageously unbearable that I left.
My AH has been diagnosed as a narcissist, and in retrospect, I think that his lack of respect for me at profound levels and his need to aggrandize himself and do so at my expense, were more of the problems than the actual drinking. The drinking released his inhibitions and let the other behavior spring to the forefront, but the destructiveness was there all the time, I just couldn't see it.
Now, 6 months out, his harassment continues, and even with me out of his house, out of his life, out of his control, he is just as unhealthy, disrespectful, and determined to control me. It's just ME who is very different.
You are on a major path to your own health. Whether you leave him now or not (or ever) is up to you. I agree with the other posters here that continuing your examination of what is going on at the core of this relationship is essential to your emotional health. As you say, it doesn't really matter if his bad behavior is from the alcohol or mental illness or personality defects; the question is do you want to live with the results.
As to it getting better, for me, the "sweet and friendly" times from AH are a bridge between his outrageous destructive behavior to push me away and intimidate me, because they make me forget his bad behavior and slip into my hopes again, which are that this will all be good now, the other is past.
For me, that's just not going to happen. Recently, after telling me "I am still the man you married, let me take care of you", he sent me another divorce settlement spreadsheet in which he "charged" me $8000 for my engagement ring.
Here I thought I had married him for eternity, and expected to someday have my daughter inherit my treasured ruby and diamond ring. OOPS. Didn't understand that the "gift" of the engagement ring was actually a lend/lease transaction I just didn't know about it. It works out to about $400/ year that its cost me to wear that ring.
It ain't gonna change. This is who he is. The only thing that's different is that I can see it now, and I won't live with it. It did change my behavior. Instead of planning to agree in the divorce settlement to jointly sell our house, I now never will be involved in any project with him. Either he buys me out, or I turn it over the Judge to name a Conservator to see the house. He's too much trouble, harassment, anguish and I just don't care anymore.
Now, your situation may be entirely different. But your thought process of looking at what's actually real, what's happening at the core, is going to get you real information to make your decisions on.
Good luck, keep posting, we're all cheering you on!
ShootingStar1
It's crazy making, quite frankly, and it's really because I am letting it make me crazy. Why? Because I haven't accepted that his laziness, his passive aggressiveness, his fatalist mentality, his anger, his depression, his sexist attitudes towards women, etc are ALSO things that must be accepted. I guess I kept looking at him and only seeing the alcohol abuse and the things that pertained to it(like the renting a car while on the ignition interlock and then drinking and driving said car) instead of seeing the whole kit and kaboodle that he is.
Liz, this is so hard to get to this level of reflection, and you deserve a lot of kudos for all your hard work to get to understanding this.
For me, having left my alcoholic abusive porn addicted husband on July 4th, now six months ago, it took me months of not living with him to sort out what was normal behavior and what wasn't. Because I lived within that dysfunctional marriage/family system for so long, it was what I knew, and it was so familiar that it seemed okay. I had no other experience to compare it against, so I just accepted it. Until it became so outrageously unbearable that I left.
My AH has been diagnosed as a narcissist, and in retrospect, I think that his lack of respect for me at profound levels and his need to aggrandize himself and do so at my expense, were more of the problems than the actual drinking. The drinking released his inhibitions and let the other behavior spring to the forefront, but the destructiveness was there all the time, I just couldn't see it.
Now, 6 months out, his harassment continues, and even with me out of his house, out of his life, out of his control, he is just as unhealthy, disrespectful, and determined to control me. It's just ME who is very different.
You are on a major path to your own health. Whether you leave him now or not (or ever) is up to you. I agree with the other posters here that continuing your examination of what is going on at the core of this relationship is essential to your emotional health. As you say, it doesn't really matter if his bad behavior is from the alcohol or mental illness or personality defects; the question is do you want to live with the results.
As to it getting better, for me, the "sweet and friendly" times from AH are a bridge between his outrageous destructive behavior to push me away and intimidate me, because they make me forget his bad behavior and slip into my hopes again, which are that this will all be good now, the other is past.
For me, that's just not going to happen. Recently, after telling me "I am still the man you married, let me take care of you", he sent me another divorce settlement spreadsheet in which he "charged" me $8000 for my engagement ring.
Here I thought I had married him for eternity, and expected to someday have my daughter inherit my treasured ruby and diamond ring. OOPS. Didn't understand that the "gift" of the engagement ring was actually a lend/lease transaction I just didn't know about it. It works out to about $400/ year that its cost me to wear that ring.
It ain't gonna change. This is who he is. The only thing that's different is that I can see it now, and I won't live with it. It did change my behavior. Instead of planning to agree in the divorce settlement to jointly sell our house, I now never will be involved in any project with him. Either he buys me out, or I turn it over the Judge to name a Conservator to see the house. He's too much trouble, harassment, anguish and I just don't care anymore.
Now, your situation may be entirely different. But your thought process of looking at what's actually real, what's happening at the core, is going to get you real information to make your decisions on.
Good luck, keep posting, we're all cheering you on!
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres 
"Acceptance ~ is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place thing or situation-some fact of my life unacceptable to me and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is suppose to be at this moment. Nothing absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake; Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
This is the little note that was given to me when I worked thru acceptance ~
I learned that for me it really wasn't about the unclean dishes, not helping around the house, the lonely times, and all that other stuff ~ what I had to accept was that my partner at the time didn't have mutual respect for me as an individual or as his wife. And then I decided that was not what I wanted out of a relationship.
Today, when Mr.PINK works a busy schedule, he will forget to pick up the dishes and sometimes the clothes happen to stay where they fall ~ I gladly clean up after him ~ why because there is an appreciation of me and a mutual respect. He will thank me for that, apologize for forgetting to do it and offer to help. Somtimes when I'm working both jobs, he has to do that for me ~ Like I said - it's not about the dirty dishes or any other house work ~ it's about the mutual respect of each other as an individual and as a equal member of our home ~
Something I didn't know you could have until I allowed myself to look at the 3 A's ~ awareness, acceptance and action ~
Continued wishes the best for you ~
pink hugs
This is the little note that was given to me when I worked thru acceptance ~
I learned that for me it really wasn't about the unclean dishes, not helping around the house, the lonely times, and all that other stuff ~ what I had to accept was that my partner at the time didn't have mutual respect for me as an individual or as his wife. And then I decided that was not what I wanted out of a relationship.
Today, when Mr.PINK works a busy schedule, he will forget to pick up the dishes and sometimes the clothes happen to stay where they fall ~ I gladly clean up after him ~ why because there is an appreciation of me and a mutual respect. He will thank me for that, apologize for forgetting to do it and offer to help. Somtimes when I'm working both jobs, he has to do that for me ~ Like I said - it's not about the dirty dishes or any other house work ~ it's about the mutual respect of each other as an individual and as a equal member of our home ~
Something I didn't know you could have until I allowed myself to look at the 3 A's ~ awareness, acceptance and action ~
Continued wishes the best for you ~
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Liz a quote from Courage To Change helped make acceptance clearer to me.
When you understand
things are just as they are.
When you don't understand
things are just as they are.
How it helped me was I realized I didn't need to understand. I was always hung up on I know she is the way she is but WHY? That why kept me locked in the same cycle.
When I quit looking for explanations or reasons it got a whole lot easier. She is the way she is. I don't know why and it doesn't matter.
Your friend,
When you understand
things are just as they are.
When you don't understand
things are just as they are.
How it helped me was I realized I didn't need to understand. I was always hung up on I know she is the way she is but WHY? That why kept me locked in the same cycle.
When I quit looking for explanations or reasons it got a whole lot easier. She is the way she is. I don't know why and it doesn't matter.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Oh M1k3, if it were only that easy. I like answers, I like root causes - my job is to find out why something isn't working and fix it. And my boss wouldn't be happy if I said, "You know what, Boss, I guess it's supposed to be broken, at least for now."
So, for me to go to my personal and switch personas is almost impossible for me.
I need to figure out why my Wife does what she does, at least I think I do.
So very confusing.
So, for me to go to my personal and switch personas is almost impossible for me.
I need to figure out why my Wife does what she does, at least I think I do.
So very confusing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I need to figure out why my Wife does what she does, at least I think I do.
Are you sure you don't know why she does what she does?
There actually are things you can't fix. Human beings are healed on their own time, doing their own work, some heal more than others, some have conditions that can't be healed. I think Superman was a codie. :ghug3
Are you sure you don't know why she does what she does?
There actually are things you can't fix. Human beings are healed on their own time, doing their own work, some heal more than others, some have conditions that can't be healed. I think Superman was a codie. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
CO Dad, maybe this little Buddhist parable will help.
One time there was a fox swimming across the river when it saw a scorpion stranded on a rock. The fox swam up to the scorpion and said that he would take it to the other side if the scorpion promised not to sting the fox.
The scorpion promised and the fox had it climb on top of his head.
About halfway across the scorpion stung the fox. The fox asked why the scorpion stung him, now they would both drown.
The scorpion replied it's my nature, I'm a scorpion, I sting.
So to me I don't care why anymore, I'm tired of being stung.
Your friend,
One time there was a fox swimming across the river when it saw a scorpion stranded on a rock. The fox swam up to the scorpion and said that he would take it to the other side if the scorpion promised not to sting the fox.
The scorpion promised and the fox had it climb on top of his head.
About halfway across the scorpion stung the fox. The fox asked why the scorpion stung him, now they would both drown.
The scorpion replied it's my nature, I'm a scorpion, I sting.
So to me I don't care why anymore, I'm tired of being stung.
Your friend,
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Omy job is to find out why something isn't working and fix it.
Addicts do what addicts do because they are chemically, physically and psychologically dependent on a drug that alters brain chemistry among many other things. That is the root cause of your wife's suffering, plain and simple.
Your job to do is solve the problem of how you will deal with your suffering.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by seek
it is difficult to accept someone sabotaging their health and well-being. I am struggling with this issue at the moment myself.
Simply put, it is what it is.
Make any sense?
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by lizatola
I was talking to my mom the other day and she keeps reminding me that he is ill and that she sees a mentally ill person who is not normal and that I obviously have not accepted that fact. I told her that what befuddles me is that he does act normal at times and it sets me back into thinking that, "ok, he's normal again. Whew, glad all that alcoholism stuff and other personality disordered stuff is over." It's like I have selective memory and I 'forget' the bad times once he starts acting GOOD for a few weeks. I let my guard down, we start communicating better, and then WHAM I'm hit by another round of craziness and wonder where it came from.
For me personally, I am giving myself A LOT of time in the awareness part of the three As. It seems like I learn something new about myself every day. It is hard to become fully aware of myself, let alone another person!
I have that "whew, glad that's over" tendency when it comes to myself. Sometimes I will have periods in recovery, where I am so good and so aware and so awesome at making the right decisions for myself. Then I will have a hard time, a really hard time. When I seem to forget about the progress I have made as I struggle with something else.
Now, when I have a good period (like the one I am experiencing right now) I am aware that eventually, I will struggle again. It is normal and human to struggle with my defects and shortcomings. I can be human. I don't have to be perfect. And when I am in my "bad" period, struggling with something, I can look back at the good moments and have hope.
Just like with anything else, I do not believe the 3 As are a straight line. Like the grief cycle, it fluctuations. Awareness today, Acceptance tomorrow...Denial...then back to Awareness. Action here and there.
And you know what? That's human. We fluctuate.
Love,
Lily
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Addicts do what addicts do because they are chemically, physically and psychologically dependent on a drug that alters brain chemistry among many other things. That is the root cause of your wife's suffering, plain and simple.
This is what our parents get into with my AH -- and me too, to a degree. His parents are on a constant quest to provide self-esteem FOR their adult children. They'll buy them anything they ever wanted, bail them out of any situation, ignore anything that would make anyone uncomfortable, and then wonder why their grown kids are emotional adolescents. My parents wholeheartedly believe that everything can be pinpointed down to one trigger -- like, "something that happened in the Autumn, which would explain this latest relapse." It verges on ridiculous.
Once I was able to wrap my mind around the physiology of the disease, I realized all these explication exercises are window dressing. The major issue is that addicts have a physiology that is arguably different from non-addicts BEFORE the disease, and once the disease is in progress many of these changes become permanent thanks to the ease of using momentum.
I view it like mental illness (which I have a lot of experience with, sigh): when managed and under treatment, people with mental illness often (more often than not) have happy, productive, and fulfilled lives. Some people with mental illness adapt around their illnesses and live in unconventional ways that are perhaps imperfect, but hey, not my circus, you do you. Other people with mental illness will never be convinced they are ill, despite all evidence, and will spend their entire lives blaming others and causing chaos around them, and while I have empathy for their illness and wish them well, I don't want the chaos in my life.
That's the acceptance part. The empathy part? I'm still figuring that out.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
In order to accept something, we don't have to like it. That's where I often stumbled. I thought acceptance meant liking or approving of the situation.
Simply put, it is what it is
Simply put, it is what it is
i do enjoy this thread, opens up alot about the HUMAN in us and the alcoholism person and the difference
for me its like, what to accept (and whats acceptable for me) what not to accept and WHEN to walk away...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I think it took longer for me to accept that I couldn't live with the situation than it did to accept him as he was. I had that part down. I was waiting for something to happen so that I would magically become OK with it. I wasn't ok with it and that is what I wasn't accepting.
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