Yet, as I challenge my thoughts deeper and search my heart I realize that I honestly accept the word alcoholic and I accept that he will drink and lie, etc, but I didn't accept other parts of his character or personality.
It's crazy making, quite frankly, and it's really because I am letting it make me crazy. Why? Because I haven't accepted that his laziness, his passive aggressiveness, his fatalist mentality, his anger, his depression, his sexist attitudes towards women, etc are ALSO things that must be accepted. I guess I kept looking at him and only seeing the alcohol abuse and the things that pertained to it(like the renting a car while on the ignition interlock and then drinking and driving said car) instead of seeing the whole kit and kaboodle that he is.
Liz, this is so hard to get to this level of reflection, and you deserve a lot of kudos for all your hard work to get to understanding this.
For me, having left my alcoholic abusive porn addicted husband on July 4th, now six months ago, it took me months of not living with him to sort out what was normal behavior and what wasn't. Because I lived within that dysfunctional marriage/family system for so long, it was what I knew, and it was so familiar that it seemed okay. I had no other experience to compare it against, so I just accepted it. Until it became so outrageously unbearable that I left.
My AH has been diagnosed as a narcissist, and in retrospect, I think that his lack of respect for me at profound levels and his need to aggrandize himself and do so at my expense, were more of the problems than the actual drinking. The drinking released his inhibitions and let the other behavior spring to the forefront, but the destructiveness was there all the time, I just couldn't see it.
Now, 6 months out, his harassment continues, and even with me out of his house, out of his life, out of his control, he is just as unhealthy, disrespectful, and determined to control me. It's just ME who is very different.
You are on a major path to your own health. Whether you leave him now or not (or ever) is up to you. I agree with the other posters here that continuing your examination of what is going on at the core of this relationship is essential to your emotional health. As you say, it doesn't really matter if his bad behavior is from the alcohol or mental illness or personality defects; the question is do you want to live with the results.
As to it getting better, for me, the "sweet and friendly" times from AH are a bridge between his outrageous destructive behavior to push me away and intimidate me, because they make me forget his bad behavior and slip into my hopes again, which are that this will all be good now, the other is past.
For me, that's just not going to happen. Recently, after telling me "I am still the man you married, let me take care of you", he sent me another divorce settlement spreadsheet in which he "charged" me $8000 for my engagement ring.
Here I thought I had married him for eternity, and expected to someday have my daughter inherit my treasured ruby and diamond ring. OOPS. Didn't understand that the "gift" of the engagement ring was actually a lend/lease transaction I just didn't know about it. It works out to about $400/ year that its cost me to wear that ring.
It ain't gonna change. This is who he is. The only thing that's different is that I can see it now, and I won't live with it. It did change my behavior. Instead of planning to agree in the divorce settlement to jointly sell our house, I now never will be involved in any project with him. Either he buys me out, or I turn it over the Judge to name a Conservator to see the house. He's too much trouble, harassment, anguish and I just don't care anymore.
Now, your situation may be entirely different. But your thought process of looking at what's actually real, what's happening at the core, is going to get you real information to make your decisions on.
Good luck, keep posting, we're all cheering you on!
ShootingStar1