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Old 01-10-2013, 08:51 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I think it took longer for me to accept that I couldn't live with the situation than it did to accept him as he was. I had that part down. I was waiting for something to happen so that I would magically become OK with it. I wasn't ok with it and that is what I wasn't accepting.
Hmmm, I can see this as being part of my problem. Thank you for sharing Thumper. As I sit here in fear of what he's going to say in marriage counseling today, I know that I'm not OK with what is going on and that I'm doing exactly as you said: waiting for something to happen so that I would magically be OK with it. My eyes open more and more each day whenever I come to this site.
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:04 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I went through a period of constant "magical thinking" and even find myself in that mode every once in a while now.

It does seem I was stuck in acceptance and not taking action and maybe letting the "magical thinking" take the place of my action.

I got further away from that thinking and from certain behaviors bothering me when I really accepted my RAH as he is and when I really felt and knew that if RAH did not follow a program of recovery I would put things in place for legal separation or divorce.

We are together and he is working a program. Is our relationship all good. NO WAY and some days not even close to good. But what gets better every day is me. How I feel, how I view my life, how I am less enmeshed in RAH moods and attitudes, steps I am taking for our financial future which always takes into account the possibility of us not being together.

And some days we have close intimate moments and it looks like we will make it. There's no magical thinking here. This is real stuff and it comes and goes sometimes in an instant.

This is what works for me and yes, there are times when I feel overwhelmed with my responsibilities and feel like RAH is not helping out enough or his attitude is not inclined to have him help out.

When I feel overwhelmed, I focus on taking care of myself, do less if I need to and ask RAH for very specific help - clean a bathroom or cook a meal. Sometimes doing less means kids get fed but a hot meal is not necessarily prepared or ready at RAH's convenience, KWIM. I don't do this in a mean way, just let him know my schedule wouldn't allow.

Sometimes we get into stupid arguments about the past and who "suffered" more from his insane drinking. These are the times I try to stop myself from arguring and I go to an alanon meeting to remind myself that I have decided to continue living with someone who is and will always be an alcoholic.

We stopped going to MC a while ago when the same stuff kept getting rehashed over and over and it felt like my AH was just using the sessions to point fingers at me and tell the counselor all the reasons living with me was miserable. He was still actively drinking and was just not present for the most part in our lives. We are looking into going back to MC again, now that things are getting better between us and I think RAH has a clearer head and is learning to deal with life on life's terms a little better.

You are moving along in your journey Liz. I hope you continue to work on yourself first and "Let Go and Let God" for your marriage. Unless you have to make any major changes, maybe you can take little steps to become more independent. I'm not working full time now but I am glad I spent the 3 years I did getting back into the workforce from being a SAHM. It was really tough but so worth it. My AH was not living here and not any help at all. I learned a lot about myself and dispelled a lot of fears and won't hesitate to do it again if what is going on between me and my RAH stops progressing in a positive way. I saved some $ and have some time now to work toward a better job.
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:13 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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In order to accept something, we don't have to like it. That's where I often stumbled. I thought acceptance meant liking or approving of the situation.
YES! Accepting just means you stop fighting reality.
Doesn't mean you can't look for answers to the "why?" if you're so inclined.
But when I looked for answers to "why?" I was really looking for the "so I can fix it" and accepting I couldn't was almost as hard as accepting the way things were.
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:38 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
YES! Accepting just means you stop fighting reality.
Doesn't mean you can't look for answers to the "why?" if you're so inclined.
But when I looked for answers to "why?" I was really looking for the "so I can fix it" and accepting I couldn't was almost as hard as accepting the way things were.
I'm getting closer and closer to full acceptance at this point. AH is crazier than ever. Our marriage counselor basically dumped us because AH is not willing to work on the marriage, he just complains about the world and his anger and how put upon he is. I'm surprised we even got this far, LOL. Anyway, AH is supposed to be going to his own therapist weekly and then we're to check in with the marriage counselor every 4-6 weeks now. I think he offered that to us as a way to appease us instead of saying, "I'm done with this. Don't bother coming back because I can't help you if the husband won't put effort in." Sigh, so I'm looking to file for a legal separation at this point because he doesn't seem to care about the consequences of his actions and how they affect his family and I thought maybe the marriage therapist could help, but it was a futile effort on my part.
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:55 AM
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Sigh, so I'm looking to file for a legal separation at this point because he doesn't seem to care about the consequences of his actions and how they affect his family and I thought maybe the marriage therapist could help, but it was a futile effort on my part.
I felt like I had to try everything. I just did. Hugs.
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Old 01-11-2013, 07:57 AM
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Liz,
Sending hugs and support. I am sorry you are hurting.
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:29 AM
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Sending support and strength to you Liz.
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:02 AM
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For me, acceptance was a gradual process. It wasn't as if the clouds parted and the light shone through and all of a sudden--I got it. It happened in incremental bits. And still, it is something I must remind myself of every day. It is what it is. Everything. And then it's up to me to do whatever I need to do based on that information. Simple, but definitely not easy.

L
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:33 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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It took me a long time to accept the fact I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't accept the facts of what he was.
Once I did that (after NUMEROUS letdowns from him) I found my self a good therapist and am now in my 2nd month of NO CONTACT whatsoever. When I tried NC before, I would always cave and send a message about anything just to get that sick pleasure/euphoria of hearing something/anything from him.

I think what really pushed me into finally accepting that he is not going to change was the conversation I had with his mom-she told me he is not capable of loving anyone-and even the love he felt for her was obligatory love....
She also told me to go find someone who could really be capable of a relationship-he was not. If I didn't believe what his own mother was telling me, then what/who should I believe??

It is up to us what we choose to accept-I finally got tired of accepting to be his doormat, and accepted the fact that he is ABSOLUTELY TOXIC TO ME.
I hope this makes sense.....
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