KKE

It's coming up to evening here now so my options are a bit more limited to keep my mind occupied. Just trying to stay away from the car and phone. Watching tv at the moment. I want to see if his van is at his mums but I know if its not my head is going to go into overdrive so really focussing on staying put!

Tuffgirl

Talk yourself out of the urges. Ask yourself questions like "so what if his van is there..." or "what would I do and how would I feel after the drive-by?" Think it all through to the very end before you let yourself act on your emotions.

Good luck, stay strong.

Titanic

The alcoholic is told to "Think through the drink." That's what Tuffgirl is suggesting you do with your urges. It helps me to work my side of the street and remind me that the other side is hard too.

Portia123

KKE, first, welcome to SR ... You are in the right place. There is so much I can share of my experiences that mirror yours. I've been with my AH for 8 years. He was a heavy drinker when we met, but in these years of living with the disease, and 4 years of AlAnon, his disease has progressed and in the process learned a lot of things.

First, none of this is your fault. You cannot control this disease, you did not cause it, and there is no cure, all one can do is arrest the disease. It's progressive and if not arrested, it will result in death. The A do the work, you can't do it for him. Try several different meetings til one you like. They told me to go to 6 meetings. And the God thing, it's really Higher Power - that can be anything, God, Jesus, nature, music, the sky - whatever thing that I draw comfort and hope from. Keep going, it may well be time for you to start healing and take care of yourself and learning how to detach from the behavior.

My AH still actively drinks, but it has decreased exponentially after rehab, he goes to AA, goes to counseling every week, and does work his program. His slips are fewer and farther between and as he gets older (he's 55) it seems his interest is more about quality of life and he's less interestd in drinking. But it took alot alot a lot of work for HIM to get here. Mic he didn't have the motivation to arrest his disease, I'm quite sure he'd be dead today. So, it sounds like from your posts that your parntner is not ready to work a program to arrest the disease. 12 step plan is one program, even for me to help me, there are other programs out there. In other words, one has to find a program and have the desire to get well. Until that happens, you have to do whatever it takes to draw boundaries, detach from it, not enable it, and concentrate on being happy. Until my RAH got help, and i did too going to AlAnon, I experienced the same things you are experiencing.

As to the furniture and the financial entanglements, just do what you want to do. You've asked him for help, I'd just assume you will never get help, stop expecting him to help, and just be done with it. If it were me, I would take half the money or whatever was mine, withdraw it, open new accounts and do everything in could to disentangle.

I might have a few more comments as I read through this thread, just know you are fine! I hope I don't sound harsh, I say all of this with kindness and from a place of sameness... Take what you like and leave the rest ... Good luck to you...

Portia123

KKE, these feelings are normal! Take some time to grieve, it's ok! But every day, do one more,thing just for yourself, pick up a book to read, take a nice walk, call an old friend or family and chat happy things.... Every day will get better when you work your own program. I've found counseling has helped me a lot, it's like having my own cheerleader. Yes, it will pass.... The more you do for yourself, the better you will feel. Take what you like and leave the rest ... Good luck !!

Portia123

Good plan!!! ... I love meditation, lots of free stuff out there to plug in and relax! Have a great evening!

KKE

I managed just over 48hours then ruined it and made contact..... Just very stressed after finding out i have to move. He spoke to me very briefly. Achieved very little. I have been given notice by our landlord that we have to move out in January. Great. We own a big house that we rent out. I am thinking of moving there for a bit. One of us has to either way because if we sell we need to have lived there for a while to avoid capital gains tax. Very boring. I will also need to give two months notice to our tenants and we will need to make changes to the mortgage so it's a residential mortgage. All very boring and stressful. Anyway, he is refusing to discuss it with me at the moment. When i tried earlier in the week he just said "can we leave it for now yeah?" He is meant to be seeing me this week which I doubt he will. I'm going to try again and leave him to think about it all for a week. If I don't hear anything then I will do what has been suggested here and text what I am going to do and say if I hear nothing back I am assuming he is in agreement.

I could just really do without the stress of having to move home, make changes to our mortgage as well as cope with what's happening. I'm also in my final year of my masters which I am falling behind in and I am falling behind at work. Just feel so over whelmed.

MissChievous

KKE, please read "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beatty. It will explain so much of what you are thinking; why you are thinking it, and what you need to do (and not do).

Please remember you cannot control this/him. Nor did you cause his addictions. Nor can you cure them.

His addiction is controlling him. He has a disease. He is in denial about his addiction --- and part of that denial is what makes him blame you. Alcoholics/addicts blame other people and circumstances for the problems in their lives. The idea is that if other people and circumstances would just cooperate, life would straighten out.

This is delusional thinking. He is out of touch with reality. Not to say that he is psychotic as we normally think of psychotic, but he is in this area: maintaining his addictive activities.

When he is denying, he really believes he is telling the truth. He blocks from consciousness the facts that would point otherwise. So keep in mind that his denial is a symptom of addiction and it exerts a powerful pull on him. Do not question your own perceptions. Trust your inner voice; your instinct.

You are becoming addicted to him, and this is what is causing the obsessive phone calls. Think about this: if you're addicted to something (or someone, in your case), you can't stop thinking about it and planning for your next "fix." When you think he's going to engage you, you get a feeling of anxiety and excitement that doesn't let up until you see him. If your "use" is blocked, you become frustrated and panicky. Your obsession consumes a great deal of your time, energy and attention. This is addiction. Also called codependency.

You are so preoccupied with and so wrapped up in trying to protect, rescue and cure him that you are sending your own life into chaos.

This attempt to control will only give him more reasons to keep using; to blame you; and to turn away from you. And it will make your life unmanageable.

The best thing you can do is stay away from him. Don't give him a reason to blame you. Let him suffer the negative consequences of his addiction. If you are meant to be together, you will. But until he wants recovery, there is nothing you can do.

Again, Codependent No More will be a lifesaver for you. I promise.

dollydo

He is just a man,not a god. The world is full of them, and, many are caring and free of addictions.

Why not change your focus, to you, you may be surprised what you can accomplish for you.

Unless you start rebuilding your life, you will just slide further into the hole of darkness. He is done, He has a new agenda, accept it. You are beating a dead horse.

KKE

I just feel so depressed and confused. I know I sound like a broken record going on and taking very little positive action. Keep holding onto things like him holding my hand on Wednesday, hugging and kissing me when I left. I also keep holding onto the fact that he has done this before and come back. Ridiculous really that I even want him back.

I feel so stressed and really want to have a breakdown! Sounds weird I know. I just don't know where to start, I'm behind with work, my uni work is suffering, ive now got to think about moving, I'm trying to battle with me and my thoughts. I was thinking of seeing if I could defer this year at uni. I don't know if I can. I just think I need one less thing to worry about. Haven't read or studied since this happened, so a month now. I'm really behind.

dollydo

IMO at your young age, completing your education should be your priorty, not him. You have your entire life ahead of you, he is but a blip in the radar screen, make your relationship with him a guidepost, not a hitching post, you have no future with him.

KKE

I work full time, have done my BA degree etc. Have been doing my masters part time, this is my third and final year. I struggled through last year as he did exactly the same thing to me then but I just feel worse this year and I'm scared I'm going to fail. I can't read anything, I've tried, my mind is just on other things. I want to be strong, its just not happening.

dollydo

"He did exactly the same thing to me then but I just feel worse this year".

So what does that tell you? The best predictor of the future is the past, history repeats itself.

Titanic

You do "need one less thing to worry about," as you said in post #230 above.

HIM.

Seren

Ah, the confusion.

When I felt confused about a relationship with a man, it really meant that I knew what I SHOULD do, but it conflicted with what I WANTED. Sadly, my emotions wanted everything with an ex-boyfriend to work out even though my head knew it was a bad situation and really had no future.

I would always say "I'm confused", when actually, my emotions were just stomping their feet and saying "But I don't want to" when I knew what I had to do.

Good luck with your studies! I know you can do this!!

lovesunandsnow

I'm so sorry. Your not a broken record! If you are then I am to, I posted today about my issues with my feelings. Just keep working on your schooling, that will get you further in life than any man. Sorry to say but it's true! Your wonderful and don't forget that, you are driven and really DON"T forget that! Stay strong and dive into your school..

Tuffgirl

Good one, HG!

I used to say "I'm confused" when what I really meant was I don't like the choices in front of me. It took my therapist pointing that out to me to finally stop doing it.

KKE - really, you have so much potential for a bright future! Are you going to let an alcoholic drag you under? Put your big girl pants on and stop wallowing (said with love and concern). This really is your choice at this point. Just do it. One day, hell one hour at a time. Don't let your own denial and stinkin thinkin cloud your brain any longer. Your life is waiting!

KKE

Thanks everyone

I've cried a lot today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better. I'll let you know. Hopefully one day it will be me telling someone else all this stuff!

SparkleKitty

Better out than in, I always say.

You will. You for sure will. I look forward to that day!

KKE

Hi

I still feel so down. There have been bits of contact from both sides, none of it has been nice. He blamed me again for his drinking yesterday. I am trying to be strong and do all the things everyone is saying. It's just awful right now.