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Please tell me to stop obsessing

Old 08-17-2012, 02:41 PM
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Dear Liz, I can't avoid pointing out, that in recent posts you have said that you don't care what he does along sexual lines as long as he leaves you alone. So, why are you obsessing about it now---possibly a control issue more than a sexual issue? Whatever, it is still kind of pointless, isn't it?

I think making the financial preparations, which you say that you have started and continuing the alanon meetings (with GUSTO) is a far better way to channel your anxiety.

Relief comes the minute you stop worrying about the problem and attack the solutions to the problem with action. How do I know this? Because I have experienced this every single I decided to stop worrying and to take constructive action--even when that action was only "baby steps".

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Old 08-17-2012, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I almost thought of hiring a PI at some point just to help me see if my suspicions are founded. I don't think he's cheating, that's too much work for him. But, strip clubs, porn, etc could be an easy fix and I wouldn't rule it out. The thing is, I don't even know what he's capable of anymore. I just feel like I don't know him and that I live with a stranger. Just plain weird.
IMO,if you need a PI, the relationship has already hit it's breaking point.
And if you can't even go up to your husband and simply ask him why he got the card, then there is no relationship. All trust, communication and respect is gone.

Not knowing what he's capable of anymore, is a clear sign that he's no longer the man you fell in love with.
You're driving yourself crazy trying to find out what your gut and instincts are already letting you know. Listen to them. More so, because you don't know him anymore. You know you. You know when it feels right and when it doesn't. Don't push those feelings aside because you have no physical proof. Those feelings are there to tell you that things aren't right, because you don't feel right. And you don't feel right because you're not being treated right (in some ways or others).

I know exactly how all this feels, and its the worst. It's like being in limbo. Waiting. Wondering. When is it all gonna come to a head and reveal what it is thats going on, so I can finally decide what to do. It's so hard to think about anything else because it consumes your mind.
But I was going crazy on his terms and it was hard for me to see that. When I finally did get the proof I thought I needed to make my feelings valid, I felt like such a fool for not leaving sooner.


Whatever happens in your relationship, I wish you all the best.
You deserve it.

Much Love...
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Old 08-17-2012, 03:19 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Dear Liz, I can't avoid pointing out, that in recent posts you have said that you don't care what he does along sexual lines as long as he leaves you alone. So, why are you obsessing about it now---possibly a control issue more than a sexual issue? Whatever, it is still kind of pointless, isn't it?

I think making the financial preparations, which you say that you have started and continuing the alanon meetings (with GUSTO) is a far better way to channel your anxiety.

Relief comes the minute you stop worrying about the problem and attack the solutions to the problem with action. How do I know this? Because I have experienced this every single I decided to stop worrying and to take constructive action--even when that action was only "baby steps".

dandylion
YES!!! Can I scream that now? It's definitely a control issue, duh. Why didn't I label it for what it is? Actually, it's not about the sex stuff, it's about what he might be doing with OUR money more than anything. I still feel that way. I just want to know where our money is going.

I tried bringing it up in a round about way and he denied opening up any kind of credit cards and got on my case about it and said, "You're the one with the secret credit card." Umm, if it was a secret than how do YOU know about, hello??? Oh, that's right because I told you I was doing it so that I can rebuild credit in MY OWN NAME in case something happens to you. I did this because a friend of mine lost her husband unexpectedly in an accident and couldn't get credit in her name because it was all tied to her husband. It's not like I was hiding it!
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Old 08-17-2012, 03:31 PM
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I think it is your business to know. As a married couple, I think both parties should be transparent with their financial dealings/credit/bills etc.


I've read too many stories of one spouse using a secret card to hide their *extra-curricular* activities and the other getting burned emotionally and/or financially.

What is the purpose of getting one of these if you have enough credit on other cards? It doesn't make sense nor does, in my opinion, it bode well.

If there was a way to find out what he is purchasing with it, I would do that. If not, I would straight out ask him.

So, my advice is to stop obsessing but get to the bottom of it.
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Old 08-17-2012, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I just want to know where our money is going.

I tried bringing it up in a round about way and he denied opening up any kind of credit cards and got on my case about it and said, "You're the one with the secret credit card."
Yes, you have a right to know where the money is going.

Also, the fact that he denied AND deflected it?!...wow, I'd definitely be all over this and not bury my head in the sand about it.
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Old 08-17-2012, 04:15 PM
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Bah, he just got it for the 3 per gallon discount at certain gas stations. Mystery solved.
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Old 08-17-2012, 04:29 PM
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All trust in this relationship has gone the way of the do-do bird. And, honesty with a practicing alcoholic narcisssist is but a pipe dream. The horse is dead, might as well stop beating on it.

What to do? Begin to to what you have to do.

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Old 08-17-2012, 05:06 PM
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Could you just ask him why he needs the card?
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Old 08-17-2012, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by jessiec View Post
Could you just ask him why he needs the card?
He won't even admit he got the card. He just threw other crap back at me so the conversation was pointless as would future talks about this issue.
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Old 08-18-2012, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
We haven't had sex since May. I just can't bring myself to have sex with someone I don't trust anymore. Let alone the fact that he thinks I'm going to call him a rapist. Yeah, that's really comforting and brings intimacy back into the marriage. Blech, makes me want to vomit.
Wait...remind me again WHY you are still married to this guy then?
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Old 08-18-2012, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He won't even admit he got the card. He just threw other crap back at me so the conversation was pointless as would future talks about this issue.
You can't force him to talk to you like a normal human being Liz. Running around in circles trying to figure out what he is doing is going to make you crazy if it hasn't already. You already KNOW what he is doing with the card, which is the SAME THING he HAS been doing all these years. He is continuing to do the same things that have been making you unhappy in this marriage. I've found that once I thoroughly and completely take true ownership of my entire life, I start minding my own side of the street and allow others to do with their lives what THEY choose to do. You have married a person who does not care how you feel or what you want, and I get the sense that you are also now not caring how you feel or what you want, but instead continue to focus on him and his behavior.
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Old 08-18-2012, 09:04 AM
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@Learn2Live. Good advice. Very good. I got a ton out of it.
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Old 08-18-2012, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Mizzuno View Post
@Learn2Live. Good advice. Very good. I got a ton out of it.
Thank you Believe me, I have done way more than my fair share of running around trying to figure out what the other person is doing and why. I have been frantic, out of my mind, temporarily insane doing it, each time. But there's a certain level of apathy you reach when you are able to finally see what you have been doing and work to change only that which you CAN change: Yourself.
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Old 08-18-2012, 09:28 AM
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just another notch on what As do....it is what it is...
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Old 08-18-2012, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by JrsJourney View Post
Wait...remind me again WHY you are still married to this guy then?
Ahh, you must be shocked by the rapist comment, LOL? Not sure if you read some of my recent stuff but he says that he thinks that every time we have had sex in the past 20 years that I'm going to call him a rapist. His words were, "You're going to wake up in the AM, get on the phone and call the police, and tell them that your husband raped you." This is because I'm a former rape victim(oh, and a molestation victim when I was 7, surprised he didn't throw that in my face). When I confronted him about it the next day, ya know for clarification for myself since I'm a glutton for punishment, he said, "Well, not every time we had sex." UGH! That's also when he blamed me for his p*rn usage because he hasn't been getting any in the bedroom. Gee, like he's really appealing to me when he lies, risks the family's savings, looks at porn, and continues to drink. And, yet, I'm somehow still at fault.

Anyway, to answer your question. I am still married to him because he does have good qualities especially when it comes to parenting. We have a lot of investments tied together, a new house that I just put a ton of energy and money into, and I don't have any income. Also, our son is special needs(as far as educational needs are concerned) and I homeschool him right now. This gives me time to get him to the reading specialist, his neuropsychologist, math tutor, etc without killing our evenings because ds plays competitive tennis and practices at night. The tennis is what keeps my son sane, it builds his confidence, contributes to his social circle, and keeps him in shape. It helps him with dealing with conflict, sticking up for himself, etc and I am not ready to take any of that away from him. Also, I really enjoy homeschooling.

I am currently looking for a part time job I can do from home, possibly in real estate support and appointment setting or in the financial industries. Also, I am putting away money on a weekly basis, building up some savings for me, and making sure our documents and legal stuff is all in order.
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Old 08-18-2012, 11:44 AM
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I just came back online to write something in this thread. I want to apologize for asking that question. Thank you for clarifying the rape comment. I think that threw me for a loop (I too was sexually molested at 7 by my brother's best friend). So anyways, I was coming back to apologize for asking that...it's none of my business. You and I have a lot of parallel's. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my rude question. xo, Jody
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Old 08-18-2012, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by JrsJourney View Post
I just came back online to write something in this thread. I want to apologize for asking that question. Thank you for clarifying the rape comment. I think that threw me for a loop (I too was sexually molested at 7 by my brother's best friend). So anyways, I was coming back to apologize for asking that...it's none of my business. You and I have a lot of parallel's. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my rude question. xo, Jody
No worries! We all have our reasons for staying and some of them sound absurd. It's our life, though, and no one else has to live it but us and if we screw it up then we only have ourselves to blame, right? Thanks for your PM!
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Old 08-18-2012, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Ahh, you must be shocked by the rapist comment, LOL? Not sure if you read some of my recent stuff but he says that he thinks that every time we have had sex in the past 20 years that I'm going to call him a rapist. His words were, "You're going to wake up in the AM, get on the phone and call the police, and tell them that your husband raped you." This is because I'm a former rape victim(oh, and a molestation victim when I was 7, surprised he didn't throw that in my face). When I confronted him about it the next day, ya know for clarification for myself since I'm a glutton for punishment, he said, "Well, not every time we had sex." UGH! That's also when he blamed me for his p*rn usage because he hasn't been getting any in the bedroom. Gee, like he's really appealing to me when he lies, risks the family's savings, looks at porn, and continues to drink. And, yet, I'm somehow still at fault.

Anyway, to answer your question. I am still married to him because he does have good qualities especially when it comes to parenting. We have a lot of investments tied together, a new house that I just put a ton of energy and money into, and I don't have any income. Also, our son is special needs(as far as educational needs are concerned) and I homeschool him right now. This gives me time to get him to the reading specialist, his neuropsychologist, math tutor, etc without killing our evenings because ds plays competitive tennis and practices at night. The tennis is what keeps my son sane, it builds his confidence, contributes to his social circle, and keeps him in shape. It helps him with dealing with conflict, sticking up for himself, etc and I am not ready to take any of that away from him. Also, I really enjoy homeschooling.

I am currently looking for a part time job I can do from home, possibly in real estate support and appointment setting or in the financial industries. Also, I am putting away money on a weekly basis, building up some savings for me, and making sure our documents and legal stuff is all in order.
Sorry, but all this sounds like excuses. All this can still be done if you guys are divorced. It's called parenting responsibilties. And thats just what they are. Not intimate marital vows.

And as far as his "rapist" comment, that doesn't sound understanding or comforting at all. No wonder you don't want to have sex. And bravo to him, to turn it around and make it seem like its your fault.
You said you're a rape and a molestation victim and wonder why he hasn't thrown it in your face. Why would a partner expect that from their SO? Thats not a normal reaction to wait for. Thats just sad.
I hope your head clears from the fog soon.

Much love..
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Old 08-18-2012, 12:54 PM
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Old 08-18-2012, 02:33 PM
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I think the burning question is: If you found out that he's using the card to (fill in the blank___________), then what difference would it make? What IS a deal breaker for you? Where is the line? He can do whatever he wants and you just find a way to work around it and justify your staying...which is absolutely FINE if it works for you and your family. It's YOUR life. I just know that when I was in the same type of place (long ago) that I just kept moving the line so that I could stay...and his behaviors just kept getting worse and worse...so I just kept moving the line. It was an insane way to live, but I made it work for me for several years. Eventually I defined the deal breaker and it took him about 3 days to cross that boundary, so I walked and (FINALLY) never looked back. Now, in hindsight, I see how very sick I was.
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