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-   -   Please tell me to stop obsessing (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/265638-please-tell-me-stop-obsessing.html)

lizatola 08-17-2012 10:04 AM

Please tell me to stop obsessing
 
My AH got himself a prepaid visa card this week. I got the email in my junk mail and wondered what he is up to. So, I start obsessing and thinking of all the crazy stuff he could be up to and is trying to hide from me so that he can haul off and do his disease related crap. UGH! Just to explain, my AH makes over 6 figures in salary in sales most years. We have perfect credit and have plenty of credit on our cards because I pay them off monthly. So, why would he need to get a Walmart prepaid Visa card? OK, I'm hyper focusing......time to stop!! I just need a good smack upside the head this AM, thanks.

m1k3 08-17-2012 10:19 AM

:codiepolice

Consider yourself smacked and warned. :)

Your friend,

Hypatia 08-17-2012 10:21 AM

Stop obsessing!

Besides, it is much easier to hide purchases if you pay cash. ;)

lizatola 08-17-2012 10:24 AM

Yes, that's why I'm confused. I know he pays cash for his booze, so why get a prepaid card that's traceable and possibly reported to the credit agencies? Just seems very suspect, like maybe he needs to buy something online and has to use a credit card and can't use cash. Ie: dating services(or something along those lines), gambling, etc. Now, he's given me no reason to actually suspect these things so I don't want to throw him under the bus at this point but I just don't trust him anymore so my mind goes crazy with the possibilities, LOL!

BlueSkies1 08-17-2012 10:45 AM

A birthday present for you is an acceptable secret, so is working on himself through therapy or something like that...everything else is bad news.

I did detective work on my ex for years, and all it did was make me miserable. I was also violating his personal boundaries by doing so, and he violated mine. Re-read that thread on boundaries if that might help you.

As long as he finds anything sneaky acceptable, you won't see eye to eye. You can hire a PI, you can put a keylogger on computers, and that will bring you the truth of what is going on, but it sure won't fix the two of you. Sometimes detective work can bring to light what is going on, but then you have to be ready to act on what you find out.
Changing his mind about his behaviors is the long-shot, even if you throw it in his face.

Learn2Live 08-17-2012 10:46 AM

Living with a functionally insane drunk person whom you do not trust will make you go crazy. It's really none of your business what he is doing with the credit card. Focus on YOUR side of the street.

BlueSkies1 08-17-2012 10:49 AM


Originally Posted by Learn2Live (Post 3537587)
Living with a functionally insane drunk person whom you do not trust will make you go crazy. It's really none of your business what he is doing with the credit card. Focus on YOUR side of the street.

This is terrific advice, except...Liz if you are still having unprotected sex with your husband and if he cheats, you put yourself in danger of STD's, you can't look the other way and need to know if he is unfaithful to protect yourself.
It's just a sneaky suspicion of mine from what you have posted about him.

m1k3 08-17-2012 10:52 AM

Liz, on a serious note you have gotten good advice.

Just like you can't control his drinking you can't control any of his other behaviors.

I found this to be a great read.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

When you are obsessing about what he is doing all you have done is bought a ticket for another round on the merry go round. I hopped off a long time ago and it was well worth it.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl 08-17-2012 10:53 AM

Stop obsessing. More will be revealed. Have faith in that.

SadinNJ 08-17-2012 11:22 AM


Originally Posted by Tuffgirl (Post 3537600)
Stop obsessing. More will be revealed. Have faith in that.

i have to start doing this........i feel myself trying to get out of him when he drinks so I can chart it..........He is not living at home. It is out of my control Why do I care?

:c021:

lizatola 08-17-2012 12:19 PM


Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass (Post 3537591)
This is terrific advice, except...Liz if you are still having unprotected sex with your husband and if he cheats, you put yourself in danger of STD's, you can't look the other way and need to know if he is unfaithful to protect yourself.
It's just a sneaky suspicion of mine from what you have posted about him.

We haven't had sex since May. I just can't bring myself to have sex with someone I don't trust anymore. Let alone the fact that he thinks I'm going to call him a rapist. Yeah, that's really comforting and brings intimacy back into the marriage. Blech, makes me want to vomit.

Kiana 08-17-2012 12:19 PM

Obsessing isn't worth the energy, but protecting ourselves is.

My xH stole money from his family (us, his wife and children) to fund his habits and try to build a private nest egg, and I believe it's fairly common for addicts and abusers, etc., to steal from their family regardless of their income level.

Prepaid cards can anonymously hide or launder all kinds of money and activities. Many people are using them to funnel money from joint partnerships (including marriage) in preparation of a foreseeable dissolution of that partnership. Trustworthy partnerships are transparent in all matters, especially money. A partner hiding things is good reason not to trust them, since by that act they have proven themselves untrustworthy.

We could drive ourselves crazy trying to control any or all of the possible actions of others or how someone is using hidden money, or, we can accept it for what it is and let them go about their business as usual, while we keep our bearings and consult with a very reputable financial adviser on how best to protect ourselves financially.

Letting go for me was a process and it took a number of undeniable things piling up to snap me out of the fog. Taking steps to protect myself was very empowering, and with each step, what "they" did mattered less and less.

...and how very true, more is always revealed...

lizatola 08-17-2012 12:20 PM


Originally Posted by m1k3 (Post 3537597)
Liz, on a serious note you have gotten good advice.

Just like you can't control his drinking you can't control any of his other behaviors.

I found this to be a great read.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

When you are obsessing about what he is doing all you have done is bought a ticket for another round on the merry go round. I hopped off a long time ago and it was well worth it.

Your friend,

Thanks Mike! Yes, I know it's the merry go round. I went to the gym, got on the elliptical and pushed myself hard today. It always feels good to get some endorphins going!

transformyself 08-17-2012 12:33 PM


My AH got himself a prepaid visa card this week. I got the email in my junk mail and wondered what he is up to.
So, yes obsessing is bad bad bad for us, like crack for codies.

But if you need to know if you're imagining things, and can a) learn that your husband is doing something you consider a deal breaker and b) leave the POS, then investigating is fine, in my books.

After being gas lighted for so long, it's actually very helpful to me to know wtf was really going on. It took a long time to emerge from denial and focus on myself, but knowing the truth of who he is and what he's capable of really helped. Eventually. Maybe you need more proof, which isn't for me or anyone else to judge.

The trick, however, is to use it for good, not evil. Bust him and leave him, with a clear conscience.

By the way, he's a total douche.

dandylion 08-17-2012 01:12 PM

Daily alanon meetings is a good way to take the focus (obsessing) away from the A and place it on yourself. 90 meetings in 90 days is the "gold" standard for the recovering alcoholic. It works for the same purpose for alanons.

dandylion

lizatola 08-17-2012 01:31 PM


Originally Posted by dandylion (Post 3537727)
Daily alanon meetings is a good way to take the focus (obsessing) away from the A and place it on yourself. 90 meetings in 90 days is the "gold" standard for the recovering alcoholic. It works for the same purpose for alanons.

dandylion

So true! I've been to 2 meetings this week and I'm going to a third! YAY! Not sure I can swing 90 in 90 days because of my son's schedule and homeschooling stuff but I do attend online meetings sometimes on another website. And, I check in with my sponsor regularly!

lizatola 08-17-2012 01:34 PM


Originally Posted by transformyself (Post 3537701)
So, yes obsessing is bad bad bad for us, like crack for codies.

But if you need to know if you're imagining things, and can a) learn that your husband is doing something you consider a deal breaker and b) leave the POS, then investigating is fine, in my books.

After being gas lighted for so long, it's actually very helpful to me to know wtf was really going on. It took a long time to emerge from denial and focus on myself, but knowing the truth of who he is and what he's capable of really helped. Eventually. Maybe you need more proof, which isn't for me or anyone else to judge.

The trick, however, is to use it for good, not evil. Bust him and leave him, with a clear conscience.

By the way, he's a total douche.

I almost thought of hiring a PI at some point just to help me see if my suspicions are founded. I don't think he's cheating, that's too much work for him. But, strip clubs, porn, etc could be an easy fix and I wouldn't rule it out. The thing is, I don't even know what he's capable of anymore. I just feel like I don't know him and that I live with a stranger. Just plain weird.

ghost99 08-17-2012 02:02 PM

It seems so many of us codependents think that as long as they are not cheating then we can handle their addictions issues. I think this is enabling and a control issue for the codependent.

If they are truely addicted they are already emotionally disconnected from you.

laurie6781 08-17-2012 02:16 PM

Have you opened your own savings account and checking account yet?

Don't you think that would be a better way to point your obsession than always
wondering what he is doing next?

He is untrustworthy. You know that. He does NOT respect you. You know
that. So is it not time to start preparing for your own future. Get those accounts
going and start putting money into them regularly that he cannot touch. You
never know when you might need it for you and your son.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

lizatola 08-17-2012 02:27 PM


Originally Posted by laurie6781 (Post 3537796)
Have you opened your own savings account and checking account yet?

Don't you think that would be a better way to point your obsession than always
wondering what he is doing next?

He is untrustworthy. You know that. He does NOT respect you. You know
that. So is it not time to start preparing for your own future. Get those accounts
going and start putting money into them regularly that he cannot touch. You
never know when you might need it for you and your son.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Yes, I have done this! I have also opened up a credit card account in just my name only. I am also selling things on ebay to shore up some cash in my paypal account, too!


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