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What kind of help do I need??

Old 08-19-2012, 04:59 PM
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What kind of help do I need??

My last post on Friday was so full of anger and hatred towards the xabf that I couldn't get rid of him fast enough. The messages were strong, the feelings were stronger and I was so sick to my stomach.

Saturday comes along and I suddenly start looking for him. Wondering if he's looking for me. I get angry about something and find it the reason I need to contact him. We argue on the phone, he's feeling bad, I'm feeling bad and he wants to come over.

Finally confesses to me that he lied, he did sleep with the ex but says it was back in January when we were apart and not now. He turns it all around, makes me forget how angry I was. Makes me wonder if I overreacted to what I heard.

I don't know what this is, don't know how to handle it. When he pushes me away, I feel the need to run to him, apologize and make it all nice. We just had a huge argument an hour ago because I told him I couldn't trust him, and how was he going to take care of that? It got ugly, he said mean stuff, and I just left.

But, now? I'm sitting here wanting to call him. Wanting to smooth things over.

This is VERY sick to me. Why am I doing this? I need to find help soon or I am going to just keep repeating this more than I already have. As it is, I feel like I am trapped in this relationship because I'm always back in it. It feels like a bad movie that continues to play over and over and there isn't any way out of it.

I feel I need some serious help for my mind right now, just don't know what the answer is.
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:14 PM
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Well if you had a thorn in your finger what would you do?

It's from a rose - it was a beautiful rose but when you held it too tightly this thorn got embedded in your finger.

It's now festering and getting infected. You'd pull it out - throw it away and do something to heal your finger right?

Well, what I have read about your relationship - how you caught him RED HANDED with this woman...how you listened and heard everything yourself. How he lied about the condoms and how you even heard him discussing the whole condom issue with the other woman...WHY would you want back into a relationship where you KNOW he is not honoring or respecting you? Pluck out the thorn and throw it away!!! It might have been from a beautiful rose (your relationship before all this happened) but now it is just causing you harm. It's infecting your thinking.

Remember your anger. Go back and read the post you wrote right after you recorded everything. Remember how you felt when you wrote that. A's have a way of weaseling back in under your skin ... lies, charm, manipulation ...DO NOT FALL FOR IT.

Nothing good is going to come from this. Patterns will repeat. He will be abusive again and you will get hurt. Seriously do you want to spend the rest of your life with this sort of drama??

Good luck itsmylifenow AND REMEMBER IT'S YOUR LIFE NOW!!
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:26 PM
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Oopsie I didn't answer the question!! I am not a medical professional but what I think might help you a lot is Alanon. This shows/teaches you how to look at yourself and take care of yourself and not obsessing on the A's in our life. It's really been helpful to me
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:30 PM
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Often in affairs there is something called gaslighting that occurs. The person who had the infidelity is trying to play down the impact from it and the other person is trying to believe it (I think it happens with addiction also....but it is more often used with affairs). It is based on an old movies of the same name.

There is a rollarcoaster of emotions that this stuff brings up. What helped me was getting support (Al-Anon, Therapy (both individual and marital...which became individual after a bit too), here, reading, and it was all I could think about for awhile).

In addition I relearned about the grief cycle. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Knowing that what I was feeling was normal was incredibly helpful to me, because I did not need to beat myself up about this any further.

Janis Abrahms Spring work on affairs helped, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

For me (it took awhile to get there) No contact = No new hurt. That was challenging in the first few months.

Hugs and take care of you (even thought it feels contradictory right now).
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Old 08-19-2012, 05:31 PM
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Either Al-anon or therapy is going to be useful for you.

Why would you stay with someone who is an alcoholic, who you don't trust and who cheats on you (and yes you know his lies are all B.S.)

You could have really low self esteem and feel like you don't deserve any better or you might be afraid of being alone. But right now you're acting like a doormat and he is walking all over you, sweetie. You will find someone better, than this, trust me.

Now just kick him to the curb!
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Old 08-19-2012, 06:06 PM
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honey, what you are going through is soooo common.

I went through the same thing, I still do except I skip the part where there is contact, this is co dependency. As someone else said no contact, no new wounds. You will continue to become angry and then feeling like you need the contact, it's like withdrawal. Your A is you DOC.

Al anon would probably be really good for you, also private counseling of some kind if you can swing it. There is a lot to understand and muddle through. This is a very long, difficult, and very painful process.

We are here, we care about you, please keep posting.

love to you Katie
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Old 08-19-2012, 06:31 PM
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I agree, you need to go No Contact. We are just like the alcoholic except our drug of choice is the alcoholic. An alcoholic can't have "just one drink," or "just a little bit," right? Well, neither can we. And yes, Al-Anon will help you.
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Old 08-20-2012, 07:08 AM
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Good morning itsmylife, thinking about you this morning.

Hope we get a check in today.

Love to you , Katie
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Old 08-20-2012, 07:16 AM
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Be strong, itsmylifenow. Every time you feel yourself wanting to be with or talk to him, remember the horror. Make a list of all the Cons of being with him. Make a list of all the damage being in that relationship has done to you, your life, your self-esteem, your self-image, etc. Work to remember who you were and what you loved before the Xsicko came into your life. Call the people who know and love you best, and spend time with them. Ask them to tell you about yourself. Build your strength.
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Old 08-20-2012, 11:37 AM
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Your denial is very strong. I've been there. You WANT for him to be loyal to you so badly that you will take any crumb that it might be possible in the farthest reaches of your imagination.
What you want, and what the truth is, do not agree. I know the pain. Have a good cry, and accept what is the truth.
But wait! You are not helpless, this isn't the end, you will not live in misery forever, although it most definitely seems like it right now.
Let's look at what has happened. Ok, you played sleuth, you found out what you suspected or feared, and it is true.
Now what would Sherlock Holmes do? Imagine yourself sitting there with the pipe in your mouth, pondering the results of your taping the conversation, and the gaslighting and denial your xabf tried to pass on as the truth.
Sherlock wouldn't deny the truth. He would accept it, and so will you.

What does it mean concerning the exabf?
1) he likes to have his cake and eat it too. So...take away his cake.
2) He knows you want to believe him, and want him back...so he focuses on how to lie his way out of this one. So what would Sherlock do? deny yourself to him unless he came forward with some huge confession of the truth, sought atonement, begged, pleaded, and would accept some long-term therapy without any sexual favors granted during that period...the long haul approach to reconcilation...what are the chances of this relalistically? Slim to none...and you know it.
3) He is hedging his bets. Not sure which of you will suit him better--the ex or you, so he plays both of you. She wants him back badly enough she is even willing to share him sexually with you during this period because she knows you want an honest guy, she just wants a bad boy.
So...Sherlock would deny him yourself, again, same as number two. If he ends up with the exgf, which he probably will (why would he want to experience a single painful thought about his own actions--she provides the necessary distraction from that pain) then You are better off because you are out of the cycle of lying and cheating...and he will cheat on her too, just give it time.
I know this is so painful. But you can make the logical decisions that Holmes would...and reject him.
Now what?
Onto the next case...solve the case of you. What are your needs? Your loves? The things that make you happy in life? Hobbies? friends? Family? A job well done at work? Your cat? and onward....
continue being Holmes but focus on YOU instead of him...you are a detective, you can solve the mystery of Yourself...what makes you happy to be alive, what simple joys in life that are awaiting your focus and attention, not the loser xabf.
Now I see you as the female version of Holmes...solving the mystery of yourself, and enjoying all the things you discover about YOU!
That's what you haven't done yet. Solved the mystery of yourself. There's where the joy in discovery comes in, instead of the heartache. There are wonderful things about yourself that you haven't sleuthed around to find...time to have some fun enjoyable and enlightening detective work.
Alanon is kind of like that too...another venue to use to discover you.Self-help books another. Therapy if you like--another. Making a list of the things you truly enjoy, or would like to try in life, discovery of you.
Onto the next case Holmes--you're a smart cookie--time to solve this one--YOU.
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