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Old 08-18-2012, 03:55 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
I think the burning question is: If you found out that he's using the card to (fill in the blank___________), then what difference would it make? What IS a deal breaker for you? Where is the line? He can do whatever he wants and you just find a way to work around it and justify your staying...which is absolutely FINE if it works for you and your family. It's YOUR life. I just know that when I was in the same type of place (long ago) that I just kept moving the line so that I could stay...and his behaviors just kept getting worse and worse...so I just kept moving the line. It was an insane way to live, but I made it work for me for several years. Eventually I defined the deal breaker and it took him about 3 days to cross that boundary, so I walked and (FINALLY) never looked back. Now, in hindsight, I see how very sick I was.
Well said, tjp.

I moved my lines quite a bit, until one day I looked myself in the mirror and acknowledged the real reason I was not standing firm on my boundaries was because I was scared of the unknown and tired of being a single parent already. If I had stayed, I would have more income (not by much, but more than I have now) and a companion...well...let's say about 15% of the time. And someone to call to help out with the kids. And then it dawned on me...that wasn't enough to justify staying. As a matter of fact, I was horrified by my own pathetic-ness just thinking this way.

Liz, our lines are all different, and our reasons for staying and/or leaving vary, but the bottom line is if this life that you currently have is the one that you choose, maybe it is time to make peace with that, instead of questioning it all.
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Old 08-18-2012, 06:11 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Ahh, you must be shocked by the rapist comment, LOL? Not sure if you read some of my recent stuff but he says that he thinks that every time we have had sex in the past 20 years that I'm going to call him a rapist. His words were, "You're going to wake up in the AM, get on the phone and call the police, and tell them that your husband raped you." This is because I'm a former rape victim(oh, and a molestation victim when I was 7, surprised he didn't throw that in my face). When I confronted him about it the next day, ya know for clarification for myself since I'm a glutton for punishment, he said, "Well, not every time we had sex." UGH! That's also when he blamed me for his p*rn usage because he hasn't been getting any in the bedroom. Gee, like he's really appealing to me when he lies, risks the family's savings, looks at porn, and continues to drink. And, yet, I'm somehow still at fault.

Anyway, to answer your question. I am still married to him because he does have good qualities especially when it comes to parenting. We have a lot of investments tied together, a new house that I just put a ton of energy and money into, and I don't have any income. Also, our son is special needs(as far as educational needs are concerned) and I homeschool him right now. This gives me time to get him to the reading specialist, his neuropsychologist, math tutor, etc without killing our evenings because ds plays competitive tennis and practices at night. The tennis is what keeps my son sane, it builds his confidence, contributes to his social circle, and keeps him in shape. It helps him with dealing with conflict, sticking up for himself, etc and I am not ready to take any of that away from him. Also, I really enjoy homeschooling.

I am currently looking for a part time job I can do from home, possibly in real estate support and appointment setting or in the financial industries. Also, I am putting away money on a weekly basis, building up some savings for me, and making sure our documents and legal stuff is all in order.
:codiepolice Yes, I'm bringing this guy around again because he's needed.

I'm going to agree with SimplyFab on this one: Holy Codependency, Batman! You've made a ton of excuses with the argument that he's a good parent, but in reality, you're doing your children a HUGE disservice by keeping them in this environment. They're learning that this type of relationship is healthy, and that all of these things are normal. You need to do what's best for yourself and your children, NOT your AH. Get out and don't look back.

I'm not even really going to comment on the "rapist" thing, because that is all kinds of effed up and not normal whatsoever. Pleasepleaseplease take a step back and see what you're doing to yourself and your children. You owe it to them to have a safe, HEALTHY home. Where you are right now is the complete opposite of that.
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Old 08-19-2012, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS View Post
:codiepolice Yes, I'm bringing this guy around again because he's needed.

I'm going to agree with SimplyFab on this one: Holy Codependency, Batman! You've made a ton of excuses with the argument that he's a good parent, but in reality, you're doing your children a HUGE disservice by keeping them in this environment. They're learning that this type of relationship is healthy, and that all of these things are normal. You need to do what's best for yourself and your children, NOT your AH. Get out and don't look back.

I'm not even really going to comment on the "rapist" thing, because that is all kinds of effed up and not normal whatsoever. Pleasepleaseplease take a step back and see what you're doing to yourself and your children. You owe it to them to have a safe, HEALTHY home. Where you are right now is the complete opposite of that.
Thank you for caring. Yet, you obviously know from being on these boards that sometimes us codies need our own bottom and I guess I haven't hit mine. AH and I will be attending marriage counseling soon and I am doing it to show that I am making that last effort on my part to repair what is probably irreparably broken. I know it's probably futile and that he's deep in his own denial. I am trying slowly to come out of mine.

I have my own cash that I'm setting aside. I'm looking for part time work. I'm getting back to the gym and taking care of myself physically. I'm committing to more Al Anon meetings a week, etc. This is a major process for me. Undoing 20 years of behaviors that are ingrained in my psyche. It didn't happen overnight and getting myself back will not happen overnight either.

As for the stupid card that he set up, it came in the mail yesterday. He told me Friday that he didn't set up any credit that I should know about and the card just came in the mail. Umm, why lie about something so stupid like that? As a good friend of mine in AA likes to say, "I was an alcoholic and if my lips were moving, I was lying." That's the hardest part of the disease for me to accept because I take it way too personal!
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Old 08-19-2012, 11:24 AM
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When does change happen? When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.

Liz, you are in your zone of comfort, in spite of what you say, in this marriage. I hope your marriage counselor is wise enough to know this.

I thought you said, in a previous post, that you had already attended sessions of marriage counseling, and it did not go so well? Am I mistaken about this?

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Old 08-19-2012, 12:54 PM
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Any marriage counselor worth their fee will tell a couple that no work on the marriage can happen if one is an active addict. It just won't work. The addiction rules his head, and will do whatever it takes to protect the perimeter. Save your money...don't do counseling until he is well on his way to sobriety - like a year sober.
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Old 08-19-2012, 02:17 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
When does change happen? When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.

Liz, you are in your zone of comfort, in spite of what you say, in this marriage. I hope your marriage counselor is wise enough to know this.

I thought you said, in a previous post, that you had already attended sessions of marriage counseling, and it did not go so well? Am I mistaken about this?

dandylion
I'm wondering the same thing. Do you have any love for this man? Been reading your posts and sadly it sounds like there is zero love left. You only get to do this thing called life once so why not do it on your terms. Change is not always a bad thing.
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Old 08-19-2012, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Save your money...don't do counseling until he is well on his way to sobriety - like a year sober.
I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

Sobriety first; then counseling.
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Old 08-19-2012, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
...

I have my own cash that I'm setting aside. I'm looking for part time work. I'm getting back to the gym and taking care of myself physically. I'm committing to more Al Anon meetings a week, etc. This is a major process for me. Undoing 20 years of behaviors that are ingrained in my psyche. It didn't happen overnight and getting myself back will not happen overnight either....
Liz- You are doing some really great things to move forward in a healthy way!! That's excellent. Keep doing "the next right thing" one day at a time. It's a hard road but you seem to be moving towards something much better. Keep it up girl! It always helps me to remember PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. We sometimes slip backwards so be gentle on yourself and get back on track as soon as you can. Supportive thoughts coming your way!
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Old 08-19-2012, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Thank you for caring. Yet, you obviously know from being on these boards that sometimes us codies need our own bottom and I guess I haven't hit mine. AH and I will be attending marriage counseling soon and I am doing it to show that I am making that last effort on my part to repair what is probably irreparably broken. I know it's probably futile and that he's deep in his own denial. I am trying slowly to come out of mine.

I have my own cash that I'm setting aside. I'm looking for part time work. I'm getting back to the gym and taking care of myself physically. I'm committing to more Al Anon meetings a week, etc. This is a major process for me. Undoing 20 years of behaviors that are ingrained in my psyche. It didn't happen overnight and getting myself back will not happen overnight either.

As for the stupid card that he set up, it came in the mail yesterday. He told me Friday that he didn't set up any credit that I should know about and the card just came in the mail. Umm, why lie about something so stupid like that? As a good friend of mine in AA likes to say, "I was an alcoholic and if my lips were moving, I was lying." That's the hardest part of the disease for me to accept because I take it way too personal!
I also seem to remember you mentioning failed marriage counseling before, or something like that. It won't work until he's no longer drinking, and is thinking more clearly, which is easily a year down the road AFTER he's found sobriety. YOU cannot fix this marriage. YOU cannot fix his drinking problem. YOU cannot make this better. You need to stop thinking only about what you are doing to try to fix it, and focus on your children and doing what's best for everyone. Believe me, I've spent my entire life with an alcoholic mother, and it really didn't take too long to realize that nothing I did would make a lick of difference. They have to want to help themselves. You can keep trying to do all these things, but none of it will change your A and their thinking. Get yourself and the kids into a safe, healthy place, and let your A figure out their end for themselves. Best wishes and good luck!
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Old 08-19-2012, 04:37 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
When does change happen? When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.

Liz, you are in your zone of comfort, in spite of what you say, in this marriage. I hope your marriage counselor is wise enough to know this.

I thought you said, in a previous post, that you had already attended sessions of marriage counseling, and it did not go so well? Am I mistaken about this?

dandylion
We have not attended counseling together in over 10 years and that wasn't much but a few sessions with our pastor. I go to my own therapist and he went to a psychologist last year....the one who apparently told him it was OK to have a few beers while on Paxil. We both went to see this new marriage therapist individually last week and have our first appointment together next week.

My AH made a comment last week after meeting the guy that he didn't like a few things this MT said, but that he was willing to give it a shot.
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:42 PM
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is it a way to hide $ ?
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:06 AM
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:rotfxko:rotfxko

My AH made a comment last week after meeting the guy that he didn't like a few things this MT said, but that he was willing to give it a shot.
oh I'm sure he doesn't like a few things he said. Hilarious.

Good luck to you Liz.
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
:rotfxko:rotfxko



oh I'm sure he doesn't like a few things he said. Hilarious.

Good luck to you Liz.
Yeah, especially since this therapist is 30 years sober and active in AA. Not sure if this MT shared this info with AH, though. Thanks for the best wishes.
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