dandylion

Dear Scaredy, thank you for posting this INCREDIBLY QUACKY QUACK!!!

I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning at the computer---alone. Dog asleep at my feet. I burst out laughing so loud, when I read this quack---the dog jumped up and looked all around to see who was here!

OMG. Sometimes their f***** up logic is so out-there that it just leaves you speechless.

Thank God we can laugh. Out of all the pain, we all have earned a laugh now and then!!

I love a good Quack. It always reminds me not to ever internalize the crap they sling.

I am hoping someone will start another good Quack Post. Please, please. Someone?

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

Like I said yesterday- not really nice of me to be do highly amused by his level of disordered thinking but sometimes I can't help but be a little immature and just laugh at the insanity of what his brain concocts. Guess if I were more mother Teresa esque I'd just feel bad for him and not be bemused by his quackery. But I'm human and sometimes the quacking is too glorious to not share and laugh about

Part of what's nice about laughing at this is that not too long ago those kind of remarks would have sent me spinning. Id have believed it all, cried, yelled, argued, pleaded etc. All insanity stuff on my end. I don't know what happened exactly but one day it's like I woke up and all the stuff I knew in my head about what made sense in terms of replying to him suddenly made sense emotionally and I saw how crazy my own reactions had been and turned a corner. Thank god for that.

hadenoughnow

My exah still does stuff like this even though I do not speak to him. A few months ago I sent him a short, polite, to the point email informing him of our son's wisdom tooth removal surgery and the cost (since he seems to think that I was spending the tiny amount of CS he paid on myself).

His response was a 2:30 a drunken tirade about my many character defects ending with

"oh and I am so sorry that you are so unhappy with your life"

I LOL'd when I read it.

m1k3

WTBH, being amused is a totally natural response. It's kind of like how you feel when a 2 YO is throwing a tantrum. Good for you.

I think my next big step was I accepted that this was simply her nature. It's what she does. From seeing her this way I could move beyond wondering why it happens and realize it Wasn't mean or evil. It was simply her nature. Just like a scorpion, there is any need to wonder why they sting, it's just what they do. Knowing that it is a lot easier to avoid being stung.

So keep smiling, it is a good sign of recovery.

Your friend,

LifeRecovery

Just thanks for this post.

I am not playing tapes or interacting with my ex at this point, but I am having a hard time with a couple of things he said. Reading this has helped me to realize that it is the disease talking and not anything further.

He told me once that "It is all your perception of alcohol that is the problem, no one else thinks I have a problem with alcohol....it must be because your family is so stuck up about alcoholism." I got hooked with it.

He also told me "You gave up nothing to be in this relationship."

Both are crazy making on my part, and you know what I think I get to put them too bed. I have a lot of imperfections, but those are not ones I regularly hear about myself.

Thanks, it is amazing how sick I can become from other's untrue words.

ZiggyB

I'm trying not to play the tapes anymore myself but that part is proving to be difficult for me... any hints?

Tuffgirl

Ziggy - the best advice I have to stop internalizing the quacking (if that is what you are asking about) is to realize that unless others in your life are offering the same criticism, anything that comes out of your A's mouth is a lie and/or a projection.

If you need validation, talk with a trusted friend or family member. Ask them to confirm or deny the criticism you are hearing. If they confirm it, then listen and realize maybe this is something you need to work on. If they laugh at you and tell you with an instant "no this is not something you do", then you know this is not about you.

My stxb RAH - he has decided we must divorce because I won't live with him. Notice how simple this sentence is? Notice is puts the onus squarely on my shoulders? It's simply not true, but when I look at it objectively, I believe this is a projection. He doesn't want to live with me. I frustrate the heck out of people who try to control me because I have strong boundaries and no fear of saying F-off (figuratively, sometimes literally). I don't buy his quacking and call it. I won't accept addict-spun lies and projections as my reality. He doesn't want to live with me; I no longer play the game. I don't believe his projections and lies about me because it is not my truth. I know my truth.

Ok, if that wasn't what you were asking...well...you got a seriously long answer anyway! Ok, ok, I've had two cups of coffee already! ; )

LifeRecovery

Time was a part of it.

Working with a counselor that is strongly based in mindfullness. I took a meditation course which helped me to see that thoughts were not permanent and that helped. Realizing that others in relationships like mine have experienced this too helped me to not feel so alone (like today).

For awhile I had to write lists of what I was mad at and take them into my support (my counselor mainly). I think I am trying to say I had to get them out first, then in the light of day (and words) they became easier to deal with and lost power.

My ex wrote a poem years ago that I found in the midst of our worst. It was sad, and it was about how alone he felt in the world. I held onto that for months into our split to show what a stand up person, and lost soul he was. I did not share it though and knowing he still felt that way made me feel horrible (which was ALL mine).

I brought it to my counselor and read it to her. She said I hope you get rid or that (and I did), but sharing it with her helped to take the power away that it held previously.

I know I have gotten better because my mind does not race at 100mph ALL the time. When it does race those are the pieces I have not been able to let go of yet. I have some tools in place to help now with that, but mainly I try to get more support when it happens.

kudzujean

sounds like you did just great, not reacting to his quacking.

Obviously he was trying to get to you.

You go, girl!

wanttobehealthy

I'm not naive enough to think that I'm completely "healed" from being impacted by his words forever fwd from here but to homever asked about how to not keep letting the old tapes (& new ones) cause distress... This is what I have found helpful:

(& this is actually something I read on here that helped me a ton!)

1. I remind myself that just bc he says it DOES NOT make it true. And I ask myself whether I'd be flustered and upset if he started telling me i was a blue cat (random ex). I remind myself that the name calling and accusations, though nasty, are no more FACTUALLY true than a statement of calling me a blue cat would be.

2. I remind myself of how miserable MY own life was when I reacted/tried to reason with/plead with/cried at/yelled at XAH when he name called/blame shifted/projected etc. There was never ONE SINGLE TIME that I reacted/responded to his venomous words that he stopped and said "oh my goodness WTBH now I see how crazy I'm being and I'm so sorry for the name calling". Not once. Sure there were tons of next morning apologies from him w promises of how he'd never say or do whatever he'd done the day before but of course he never kept his word. He can't. So I recall all this and know that my reacting is only going to make me more miserable. I used to think I could convince him to care and see that he was hurting me and that we could cooperate and treat each other decently. Finally it sunk in that hes incapable of all of that and my trying to force decency out of him never once was successful

3. My therapist has said for some time now that XAH has always shown me just who he is and that it's me who has chosen to not believe him. I didn't agree and I tried to convince my therapist and myself and XAH that he could change and that deep down he was a great guy. Finally I woke up and saw w out a doubt that his behaviors have been consistent for years & that the foundation of our conflicts was bc I wasn't willing to accept the behaviors he was very honest about. For all his lies he never stopped lying, never stopped blaming, never stopped trying to convince me he'd change and then repeat the same patterns all over again. So in that regard he was very honest all along about precisely who he was. I just chose to cling to hope and the idea of what I wanted us to be instead of facing the facts and accept who he clearly told me he was via his consistent actions for years. So I guess not letting his words get to me really started being possible once I accepted that the idea of "us" was not not had it ever been compatible w the reality of his behavior. Oh and I also realized of course that I had no control over changing his behavior.
The

sparklingeyes

My AF told me yesterday that my breasts are small. Apparently, he likes to pick on them. I told him that I like them just the way they are...not big and not too small. I've never had anyone else say anything derrogatory remarks about them. Then, I caught him making a negative gesture because I didn't do something he demanded. I confronted him and he denied it. I kept wondering why a person would try and tear another down. I think I know the reason. I could be wrong, but I think he is scared to feel emotionally dependent upon a female. It would make sense. Anybody else come to this conclusion?

wanttobehealthy

I think your conclusion is generous & sympathetic toward him & my gut is less sympathetic toward him.

I think he's a bully & a coward. He insults your body & then makes & denies (boy does that sound familiar!) derogatory gestures toward you for asking him to do sonething. The first act is meant to cut you down & falls into verbal abuse. And the second act is designed to make you think twice in the future about asking him to do anything for you. Complete BS. And then in true passive aggressive cowardly bully behavior he denies doing it & tries to make you question reality. That's mental abuse.

Dont give him the sympathy of thinking this is about fear of being dependent. He seems to feel entitled to bulky, berate & abuse/gaslight you. He's your fiancée right? Id seriously consider whether this is who you want to marry. If he's like this pre marriage when things are usually better between couples, you can be sure he'll be much worse as time goes by.

ZiggyB

Either he has anger issues or he is insecure himself and picking on you makes him feel better about himself. In any case, I don't think that's how someone who really loves you would choose to behave towards you.

sparklingeyes

You're right. He doesn't really love me.

sparklingeyes

That may not be true. The alcoholic takes swings to get back some of their self esteem.

ZiggyB

well either way it doesn't seem like a good sign...

Tuffgirl

Doesn't make the behavior ok or acceptable, unless you want to allow yourself to be abused.

The alcoholic "takes swings" for the disease to protect its perimeter. I don't believe its about self-esteem at all, but an innate sense of survival on the part of the addiction.

If the problem is always you, the light never has to shine on his addiction, right?

coffeeclouds

WTBH, I got a load of your 2 (from above post) tonight. And, have been struggling with 3 the last couple of weeks. Will have to ponder this, as I do think most of the time, that my relationship wth AH is over. I know that we are not supposed to make major decisions in the first X amount of time, but, when do we start counting? After the promises to change? After the forced "dry" period? When they come home from rehab? When more damage is done?

I do understand that if we (my AH and I) are going to make it together, we have to work on whole new ways of communicating. I am not sure if I want to work that hard. I don't have to with my other relationships. I actually have been trying to do so for the last few years as I have learned better communication skills away from home, but he doesn't EVER want to play. He sure didn't tonight.

sparklingeyes

True.