I'm not naive enough to think that I'm completely "healed" from being impacted by his words forever fwd from here but to homever asked about how to not keep letting the old tapes (& new ones) cause distress... This is what I have found helpful:
(& this is actually something I read on here that helped me a ton!)
1. I remind myself that just bc he says it DOES NOT make it true. And I ask myself whether I'd be flustered and upset if he started telling me i was a blue cat (random ex). I remind myself that the name calling and accusations, though nasty, are no more FACTUALLY true than a statement of calling me a blue cat would be.
2. I remind myself of how miserable MY own life was when I reacted/tried to reason with/plead with/cried at/yelled at XAH when he name called/blame shifted/projected etc. There was never ONE SINGLE TIME that I reacted/responded to his venomous words that he stopped and said "oh my goodness WTBH now I see how crazy I'm being and I'm so sorry for the name calling". Not once. Sure there were tons of next morning apologies from him w promises of how he'd never say or do whatever he'd done the day before but of course he never kept his word. He can't. So I recall all this and know that my reacting is only going to make me more miserable. I used to think I could convince him to care and see that he was hurting me and that we could cooperate and treat each other decently. Finally it sunk in that hes incapable of all of that and my trying to force decency out of him never once was successful
3. My therapist has said for some time now that XAH has always shown me just who he is and that it's me who has chosen to not believe him. I didn't agree and I tried to convince my therapist and myself and XAH that he could change and that deep down he was a great guy. Finally I woke up and saw w out a doubt that his behaviors have been consistent for years & that the foundation of our conflicts was bc I wasn't willing to accept the behaviors he was very honest about. For all his lies he never stopped lying, never stopped blaming, never stopped trying to convince me he'd change and then repeat the same patterns all over again. So in that regard he was very honest all along about precisely who he was. I just chose to cling to hope and the idea of what I wanted us to be instead of facing the facts and accept who he clearly told me he was via his consistent actions for years. So I guess not letting his words get to me really started being possible once I accepted that the idea of "us" was not not had it ever been compatible w the reality of his behavior. Oh and I also realized of course that I had no control over changing his behavior.
The