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ultimate quacking!

Old 07-28-2012, 07:16 PM
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ultimate quacking!

I think that my xAH (it's not official yet but that is what I going to call him bc it's what he is) has reached an all new level of insanity.

I got told the following when we were doing our meeting up (in public so that way he can't pull any nonsense) to pass off the girls to him today so they could visit with him (aka: eat breakfast, play at a park and then without fail he calls me to say he HAS to go help his brother with something or a colleague or friend and that's it for his visiting with the girls)...

Anyway, as I was leaving he asked if he could talk to me for a minute. I put the girls in his car and then said sure bc we were in public and I wasn't concerned that it would be anything explosive bc he cares way too much about his image so I entertained him and listened.

This is what he said. I literally BIT my tongue hard to keep from laughing but have been dying to share it with someone who can appreciate the nuttiness of it and I know you all are just the ones.

So, here's the "talk" in a nutshell:

xAH: you know, I've meant to tell you that you look better now than you have in a long time, maybe ever. Yeah, you definitely look hot now.

Me: Ummm, thanks I guess. Is what you wanted to tell me?

xAH: no, what I want to tell you is that even though you look really good I thought you'd want to know that I had no interest in having sex with you for the last year of our marriage. Do you know why? * I just stood looking amused I guess and he kept talking * It's because of your nasty personality and the fact that you have serious mental illness and it's a shame that attractiveness is wasted on someone like you. I probably would have stayed with you if you were ugly because ugly chicks are a lot more desperate. Someday WTBH you'll be fat and ugly like your mom (neither are true) and you'll regret that you were so b*itchy to me that I left you. I had to leave you WTBH because you were abusing me and I couldn't take it anymore...

*I'm getting the order of the nonsense that was said all mixed up I am sure but it's the jist of what was said*

Me: Ummm, okay. Sorry to hear you felt that way for the past year.

xAH: You are in serious denial about who you are. I hope you get some serious mental health help for your problems. I feel sorry for you.

Me: Don't you think you ought to get the girls breakfast and visit with them? Have a good day.

And I walked away (girls were next to us in the car and I opened the door, said bye and left).

Surely I am missing some aspects of the conversation but it was about 2 min long if that and that's the jist of it...

QUACK!!!!! It's the kind of stuff that only people with an A in their life would believe and understand. I am fairly sure that if I tried to tell this to my friends who havent dealt with alcoholics they would think this was unreal... It really is insane huh?
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:22 PM
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Yes, you are right. This is NOT NORMAL.

Thank God you are far enough in your recovery that you don't any of this seriously!

BothSidesNow
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:25 PM
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Such lovely conversation for a Saturday afternoon. I swear, they are so immature. Makes me sick really.

Next time don't entertain him. He sounds like a major manipulator.
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:27 PM
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Oh, and I'm GLAD he shortens his visits w your daughters. The less time they spend w him the better!!
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:32 PM
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They're just precious, aren't they?
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:44 PM
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I typically won't listen to more than a few words lately when it's anything other than pragmatics about our girls but I was perhaps a bit immaturely amused by his bizarre talking so I heard him out... But yes I'm in agreement w the poster who suggested I not listen. It didn't upset me in the least so maybe that's why I stood and listened?

On a side note. I wonder if he actually believes that at any time in the past I actually was sad to have limited intimate contact w him?! Hes a legend in his own mind I think but the reality is that he's an overweight, smells like stale beer 24:7, mean, selfish partner so I probably should have thanked him today for putting me out of my misery whenever that day came when he decided he could not bear to have sex with me any longer! Lol. Odd thing is that he harassed me and tried to grope at me right up to the very end so I guess in true A fashion he's recreated history for himself

Oh and yes most important of all is that he's pretty much done what so many of you said he would. He made lots of threats about custody and time w the kids and in reality he spends VERRRRRRY little time w them. I don't comment on it bc I know if I do he will decide to start wanting more time w them just bc he cares about appearances.
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:51 PM
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Ok, devilís advocate here, looking at it from the other point of view and I donít know all the past history (seems you may be a bit afraid of him since you want to meet in public places). Also, Iím very new here.

If you read between the lines, He may be trying to say he is still attracted to you and wants to be with you. The part about you becoming fat like your mother is just a defense mechanism (assume because you didnít jump right in and show the same attraction back). He just wanted you to say, ďyouíre right I would have been better off with youĒ
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Old 07-28-2012, 08:03 PM
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Projection!

All of it. So sad. He must feel really ugly inside to say that kind of vitriol to you, the mother of his children.
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Old 07-28-2012, 08:09 PM
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Lost Husband- yeah you're right it could definitely be him trying to (in a weird way) say he still wishes I were with him but more likely he wants me to miss him and sadly for him that's not the case.

The short history of us is that he's an abusive A. Went from being a passive "he'd never hurt me" type of alcoholic to a beating me up in front of our kids and then weaving a web of lies to the cops when I finally called them which resulted in my being arrested and spending a night in jail. So to say in afraid of him is an understatement. He has some serious mental health issues in addition to alcoholism but after 14 yrs of trying to help him and love him out of illness I decided I had to put my kids and myself first before we all wound up as sick as he is.

Maybe my amusement of his words is a bit of a defense mechanism
against feeling sad for him.

Thanks for your post lost husband bc it reminded me that I ought to have perhaps more compassion for him than I do (I know you weren't telling me that- that's just what I thought about after reading your post). I won't interact any more w him than I do now but I suppose I ought not laugh at the illness that has made him into someone unrecognizable.
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Old 07-28-2012, 08:14 PM
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Tuffgirl- I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm the mother of his kids has never nor will it ever have any impact on the things he says or does to attempt to hurt me. Remember this is the same man who had me falsely arrested IN FRONT of our kids. The things he's said to me over the years are just appalling. This stuff today was kids play in comparison to the venom he spewed when angry over the years. His weapon of choice was always his tongue. In fact he prides himself on being able to "cut down" kids who **** him off in his class (high school teacher). Charming huh? He's like a school yard bully who obviously feels so badly about himself that he has to cut others down to build himself up. It's sad really.
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Old 07-28-2012, 08:14 PM
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Ugh - well I think you can be glad he is out of your life once and for all. It's hard to forget the nasty and hateful things my ex said to me, but I am trying not to take it too personally. :-/
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Old 07-28-2012, 08:27 PM
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My XAH LOVED/LOVES to spew nasty little rants like that. His favorite below the belt shot is to call me a materialistic c*nt... Like my mother. Oh, that is really his favorite... And especially adding on the "like your mother" part bc he knows my mom and I do not get along. ironically, me and the kids are living in a 1,000 sf house while he just bought a 2,600 sf house... For just him!!!

He's a darling. Odd that he's STILL telling people he doesn't understand why I left him. The only logical reason (in his illogical mind!) is that I've got some hot tamale I'm shagging!!

One thing that I heard recently at an al-Anon meeting... Be careful how often you play back the "tapes." Meaning... The more we relive and harp on the bad, the more we stay focused on it. Better to see it, acknowledge it, work through it and move on.

That was huge for me because I never realized just how much I replayed the tapes... Keeping the wounds fresh, and my focus on the wrong stuff.

You've come so far WTBH... Time to burn the tapes
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Old 07-28-2012, 09:36 PM
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*shudder*
Ugh.
I read a book about ten years ago that said addicts have to create stories where their actions make sense and what your AXH did seems to fit right in there. He doesn't want to play the part of the abusive drunk husband who was ditched by you, he wants to play the part of the loving-but-sad husband who finally could just not stand living with an insane wife anymore and left, sadly. Because he really wanted to stay and help you with your mental illness, you know.

The important part is that X in front of his name. Praise HP for that.
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Old 07-28-2012, 11:30 PM
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I was told I am crazy like my mother, who in fact has bi-polar disorder. Nice. Let's make fun of the sick MIL.

Funny how no one else in my world has ever said that to me but him. No one but him has ever called me a "passive-aggressive manipulator". No one has ever called me a liar but him. When I look down the list, I see all these things that simply aren't my truth; never have been, never will be. Unless someday, someone else comes along and says this same crap to me. Then I may take pause. Maybe. Until then, f him and his addict BS.

I hope, WTBH, you see the same thing. It's BS. Addict BS. F him.
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Old 07-28-2012, 11:39 PM
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I love your reply Tuff Girl.
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Old 07-29-2012, 12:20 AM
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I think out of all the things my XAH did (I'm going to call I'm that too! Thx WTBH!), the projections creeped me out the most. When I started to finally clue in that he was in fact describing his own behavior, I realized he was actually accusing me verbatim of what I was thinking about him! I started to come up with more complex descriptions (in my head) of what he was doing to me and it was like he was reading my mind! Unbelievable!

I totally get your frame of mind when you just let him blabber on like that. I started to be more amused with my little projection game, only I wasn't very good at hiding my smirk. i have a terrible poker face. It probably is best not to hear them out, though. It really isn't helping anyone involved.

Way to go WTBH for being able to completely ignore his outrageous quack without getting flustered at all, or rising to the bait! I'm very impressed!

Fathom
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Old 07-29-2012, 03:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I was told I am crazy like my mother, who in fact has bi-polar disorder. Nice. Let's make fun of the sick MIL.

Funny how no one else in my world has ever said that to me but him. No one but him has ever called me a "passive-aggressive manipulator". No one has ever called me a liar but him. When I look down the list, I see all these things that simply aren't my truth; never have been, never will be. Unless someday, someone else comes along and says this same crap to me. Then I may take pause. Maybe. Until then, f him and his addict BS.

I hope, WTBH, you see the same thing. It's BS. Addict BS. F him.
Yes! I finally told my xabf since I have never heard that I am a liar, a lunatic, that I needed help etc.. from anyone else in my life , ever, that it is difficult for me to take the critisism he speaks seriously.

What an idiot to say he wants to pull you aside and speak with you privatiely.

Just as a side note, plesse know that this is the kind of crap he will be feeding his children about themselves when they disappoint him.

And of course you know how wonderful you are!!! xo
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Old 07-29-2012, 05:57 AM
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Heh heh...

WE know you are strong, beautiful, and getting healthier by the day, inside and out....

CLMI
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Old 07-29-2012, 06:14 AM
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Ever since I've started reading this forum, I have developed a huge problem. It is very serious and likely incurable.

Whenever my husband starts talking BS, I picture him in a huge fuzzy yellow duck mascot costume and get an extreme case of the giggles.

I definitely need help. Anyone know if Big Bird is available for one-on-one counselling?

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Old 07-29-2012, 06:33 AM
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Holy cow it is unreal how similar they all are!!!! My mom and I don't have a fab r/s and she has some fairly serious mental health issues so XAH like so many others' X's on here LOVES to use that as a way to try and hurt me ( loved I should say bc it doesn't hurt at this point- just makes me pity him to be honest). But there really is nothing nastier is there than a man who insults and mocks the mother of his wife. Glad to know my XAH isn't terminally unique in this regard- its just another character trait I guess.

Getting by- I totally get what you're saying about replaying the tapes. I'm not doing that much anymore- used to all the time. Lately it's more like I'm seeing the name calling in a new light and finally seeing how ridiculous it is and actually found it useful to reflect on what he said yesterday and realize that I no longer believed any of the lies he spews at me. Used to be that I couldn't stand hearing him say terrible things to me (c*nt became a favorite of his over the past few years) bc I felt like if he said it then it MUST be true. Took me most of my adult life (thanks to a family of origin who behaved similarly) to realize that just bc someone says it doesn't make it true. And like so many others I realized in the past few months that no one else in my life except XAH and his family sees me as they do & that speaks volumes.
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