Please Contribute: Living With An Alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Im sure it's been said in one way or another, but it needs repeating: lie after lie, manipulations to make you look like the bad guy, blaming you if they're the bad guy, deflections and indirectness to keep you guessing, passive aggressiveness to get their way without having to ask you (because you offer it instead).
I had two really really super pleasant conversations with my AH today, so all of this alcoholic BS is fresh in my mind. At least now I know what to expect and don't feel completely swindled afterwards. If he mentions something he wants but doesn't ask me for it directly, I let it go and do not offer. He gets rather frustrated, I just smile to myself
I had two really really super pleasant conversations with my AH today, so all of this alcoholic BS is fresh in my mind. At least now I know what to expect and don't feel completely swindled afterwards. If he mentions something he wants but doesn't ask me for it directly, I let it go and do not offer. He gets rather frustrated, I just smile to myself
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Oh, also:
Expecting to accept the absolute bare ass minimum in terms of love, respect, honesty, nurturing, maturity, understanding, loyalty, and selflessness in a relationship with an A, but the A expects all of these things and more 100% all the time. But that won't be good enough either, because A's up the ante where you're expected to give more and more. Asking an A for more than the bare minimum is insulting to them. A's will suck you dry, they are vampires to good souls.
I rarely got apologies from my AH. Mostly BS ones where basically he blamed me for (however ridiculous) his mistreatment of me. My AH eventually kept telling me that I should expect him to screw up, that it's gonna happen, and that I shouldn't have to get on his case about it every single time because no one is perfect.
Expecting to accept the absolute bare ass minimum in terms of love, respect, honesty, nurturing, maturity, understanding, loyalty, and selflessness in a relationship with an A, but the A expects all of these things and more 100% all the time. But that won't be good enough either, because A's up the ante where you're expected to give more and more. Asking an A for more than the bare minimum is insulting to them. A's will suck you dry, they are vampires to good souls.
I rarely got apologies from my AH. Mostly BS ones where basically he blamed me for (however ridiculous) his mistreatment of me. My AH eventually kept telling me that I should expect him to screw up, that it's gonna happen, and that I shouldn't have to get on his case about it every single time because no one is perfect.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
I'm new here but my hastily put together list:
-Their money is their's, yours is theirs as well. Don't ask them to contribute money to the relationship.
-The smell of an alcoholic. You get used to it, but every once in awhile, it's staring you in the face.
-When they go out, you can't sleep because you're waiting for the knock on the door or the phone call that they managed to drunk drive or kill someone while drinking and driving.
-I actually check and make sure he still has his work badges when I come home and double check that he wasn't fired for being a drunk.
-You never go out as a couple ever. He goes out, or you go out, and you are never invited when he goes out, because you'd be "bored". But when you invite him out, he is "tired" and hates your friends anyways.
-He wants to quit drinking but it's your fault he cannot.
-Watching them get up at 4am to drink before they have to be at work at 8 is soul crushing. Seeing it happen for the first time ever, and then see it continue...
-Having him come to a realization that drinking will kill him, have an epiphany and then 4 hours later walk in drunk.
-He does nothing. I do everything, from paying the bills on the measly 400 bucks a months he contributes. I cook, clean, buy groceries, do laundry. All of it. And the minute I clean the kitchen, he HAS TO COOK. Never cares otherwise, but damnit, Owathu just spent 45 minutes cleaning...let mess this ****** up!
-Their money is their's, yours is theirs as well. Don't ask them to contribute money to the relationship.
-The smell of an alcoholic. You get used to it, but every once in awhile, it's staring you in the face.
-When they go out, you can't sleep because you're waiting for the knock on the door or the phone call that they managed to drunk drive or kill someone while drinking and driving.
-I actually check and make sure he still has his work badges when I come home and double check that he wasn't fired for being a drunk.
-You never go out as a couple ever. He goes out, or you go out, and you are never invited when he goes out, because you'd be "bored". But when you invite him out, he is "tired" and hates your friends anyways.
-He wants to quit drinking but it's your fault he cannot.
-Watching them get up at 4am to drink before they have to be at work at 8 is soul crushing. Seeing it happen for the first time ever, and then see it continue...
-Having him come to a realization that drinking will kill him, have an epiphany and then 4 hours later walk in drunk.
-He does nothing. I do everything, from paying the bills on the measly 400 bucks a months he contributes. I cook, clean, buy groceries, do laundry. All of it. And the minute I clean the kitchen, he HAS TO COOK. Never cares otherwise, but damnit, Owathu just spent 45 minutes cleaning...let mess this ****** up!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Twilight dimension...
"I REALLY have to stop drinking..."
Followed by 3 years of heavy drinking. Gladly I am no longer there to witness or to pick up his mess. VERY grateful for that, tonight, with a cat purring on my tummy... ah, the silence.
"I REALLY have to stop drinking..."
Followed by 3 years of heavy drinking. Gladly I am no longer there to witness or to pick up his mess. VERY grateful for that, tonight, with a cat purring on my tummy... ah, the silence.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
- being lonelier w him than without
- being lied to incessantly and feeling like I was going crazy
- insulting me infront of others and pretending he was joking and telling me I have no sense of humor when I was hurt by it
- being lied to incessantly and feeling like I was going crazy
- insulting me infront of others and pretending he was joking and telling me I have no sense of humor when I was hurt by it
I feel like I am going crazy all the time - the insults and the crazy go hand-in-hand, he says stuff sometimes that's horrible and then acts like he was kidding or didn't say it at all.
I am away from him right now and feel very blessed to not have to deal with him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Good God, wanttobehealthy, I don't know how you lived with that. What a horrible person. I'm glad you got away from him.
Adventure
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
The Smell of stale wine. YUK!
The being woken up every night when he comes to bed because he can't do anything quietly.
The late night cooking (and the not cleaning up)
The back door banging every night because he smokes outside
The booming of the TV late at night because he has it so damn loud
The isolation
The no apology after the verbal abuse the night before.
Having to sleep with the windows open even in winter because HE is too hot
the silent treatment when he has been verbally abusive the night before but refuses to accept any resposibility
The sadness of watching him self destruct
The holidays where HIS drinking STILL comes first
Reading this whole post actually made me feel really really sad because if my best friend was telling me this I would tell her to run run as fast as she could - I would tell her that no one should have to live like that - and this is the way I live (for now....)
GREAT thread by the way - always good to know we are not alone - but gosh how sad it all is. Thank goodness I have three beautiful children and a lovely family and freinds and HIS drinking no longer consumes me - take care all Phiz :0)
The being woken up every night when he comes to bed because he can't do anything quietly.
The late night cooking (and the not cleaning up)
The back door banging every night because he smokes outside
The booming of the TV late at night because he has it so damn loud
The isolation
The no apology after the verbal abuse the night before.
Having to sleep with the windows open even in winter because HE is too hot
the silent treatment when he has been verbally abusive the night before but refuses to accept any resposibility
The sadness of watching him self destruct
The holidays where HIS drinking STILL comes first
Reading this whole post actually made me feel really really sad because if my best friend was telling me this I would tell her to run run as fast as she could - I would tell her that no one should have to live like that - and this is the way I live (for now....)
GREAT thread by the way - always good to know we are not alone - but gosh how sad it all is. Thank goodness I have three beautiful children and a lovely family and freinds and HIS drinking no longer consumes me - take care all Phiz :0)
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Oh and the going into labour with both my girls and he was drunk! OH Joy! I even had to drive myself to the hospital!
He tells the story that he got caught out....BUT the reall story is that I was almost two weeks late with one baby and totally on time with DD 2......and HE DRANK in the hope I wouldn't go into labour till tomorrow(sign!)....
He tells the story that he got caught out....BUT the reall story is that I was almost two weeks late with one baby and totally on time with DD 2......and HE DRANK in the hope I wouldn't go into labour till tomorrow(sign!)....
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Back again - just thought of some more....
NEVER being able to enjoy dinnner together as he has to get his fill first and I can;t eat at 11pm!
NEVER enjoying a glass of wine together as he drinks out of need and I occassionally would enjoy a glass of wine!
Hearing him drop his dinner on the floor at 11pm as he is so drunk
The glazey look
The not listening
.......Oh my goodness I could also go on and on with this thread. I think a thread with the things we like about them would be much much shorter.
It breaks my heart to see him destroy himself and our marriage in the process because HIS drinking always comes first
another sign.......
NEVER being able to enjoy dinnner together as he has to get his fill first and I can;t eat at 11pm!
NEVER enjoying a glass of wine together as he drinks out of need and I occassionally would enjoy a glass of wine!
Hearing him drop his dinner on the floor at 11pm as he is so drunk
The glazey look
The not listening
.......Oh my goodness I could also go on and on with this thread. I think a thread with the things we like about them would be much much shorter.
It breaks my heart to see him destroy himself and our marriage in the process because HIS drinking always comes first
another sign.......
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Being ignored, talked over, interrupted, and overlooked day after day after day.
Never having ANY intimacy, ever. Feeling unattractive and bad about myself because of it.
Never having ANY intimacy, ever. Feeling unattractive and bad about myself because of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Learntolive.....this is so far down my list I had actually forgotten till I read your post....but yes I can totally relate this
Never having ANY intimacy, ever
and the sad thing is I wouldn't even want it with him now....oh this disease sucks!.....I remember when I got married to the love of my life just over ten years ago I had so many hopes and dreams for us......
I am grateful for my beautiful children - take care all - Phiz
Never having ANY intimacy, ever
and the sad thing is I wouldn't even want it with him now....oh this disease sucks!.....I remember when I got married to the love of my life just over ten years ago I had so many hopes and dreams for us......
I am grateful for my beautiful children - take care all - Phiz
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Wenatchee, Wa
Posts: 17
1. The 1-4 hour one sided arguments after working all day while he sat around and drank the moeny we didn't have (because he was unemployed)
2. The threats to send me to jail after he would hit different body parts (mainly his face) on walls, doors, ect.
3. The child endangerment charge he recieved with our 2 youngest kids (3 and 9) in the car after blowing a .187 when he was 1500 miles away visiting his parents.
4. Pitty parties are always for the alcoholic only and how dare I cry.
5. Finding hidden LTD whiskey bottles everywhere including shoved in his pants
6. His horrible attempt at lying.
7. The sucking up in the morning after he had his temper tantrum the night before
8. Yelling at me for treating him like a child. If only he would act like my partner and not my child.
9. Insulting me every way possible and I MEAN EVERY WAY
10. my ah husband is a genius and I am an ignorant woman that knows nothing and can remember nothing.
11. Trying to convince everyone (Including my sister and mother) that I am crazy
12. Threatening my 13 old son with breaking his jaw if he told me anything.
13. Making my 13 yo son drive him home bacause he was to drunk after partying at a friends house.
14. The shaking and vomitting every morning until he had his breakfast shot.
15. His weekly accidents that he had to go to the er for. When it was nothing at all but a stubbed toe, a bruised hand, ect.
16. Stealing from his parents and I
17. The faked oragsm because he was too drunk to keep it up or as he put it dehydrated.
18. The loser friends he kept around who were also addicts and always needed a place to stay or a party.
19. My 3 yo begging daddy to stop yelling at mommy, covering his ears, and/or asking to call Grandma so he could ask her to come get him.
20. The being lonely with him there and the memories of who he used to be.
I actually feel so much better, and doing this list helped me realize I need to quit holding on to the past and the what ifs for any future with him. There is way too much damage done and I can't trust someone like this with my children's hearts or my own. I apologize if this lengthy.
2. The threats to send me to jail after he would hit different body parts (mainly his face) on walls, doors, ect.
3. The child endangerment charge he recieved with our 2 youngest kids (3 and 9) in the car after blowing a .187 when he was 1500 miles away visiting his parents.
4. Pitty parties are always for the alcoholic only and how dare I cry.
5. Finding hidden LTD whiskey bottles everywhere including shoved in his pants
6. His horrible attempt at lying.
7. The sucking up in the morning after he had his temper tantrum the night before
8. Yelling at me for treating him like a child. If only he would act like my partner and not my child.
9. Insulting me every way possible and I MEAN EVERY WAY
10. my ah husband is a genius and I am an ignorant woman that knows nothing and can remember nothing.
11. Trying to convince everyone (Including my sister and mother) that I am crazy
12. Threatening my 13 old son with breaking his jaw if he told me anything.
13. Making my 13 yo son drive him home bacause he was to drunk after partying at a friends house.
14. The shaking and vomitting every morning until he had his breakfast shot.
15. His weekly accidents that he had to go to the er for. When it was nothing at all but a stubbed toe, a bruised hand, ect.
16. Stealing from his parents and I
17. The faked oragsm because he was too drunk to keep it up or as he put it dehydrated.
18. The loser friends he kept around who were also addicts and always needed a place to stay or a party.
19. My 3 yo begging daddy to stop yelling at mommy, covering his ears, and/or asking to call Grandma so he could ask her to come get him.
20. The being lonely with him there and the memories of who he used to be.
I actually feel so much better, and doing this list helped me realize I need to quit holding on to the past and the what ifs for any future with him. There is way too much damage done and I can't trust someone like this with my children's hearts or my own. I apologize if this lengthy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Wenatchee, Wa
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by PHIZ007
Learntolive.....this is so far down my list I had actually forgotten till I read your post....but yes I can totally relate this
Never having ANY intimacy, ever
and the sad thing is I wouldn't even want it with him now....oh this disease sucks!.....I remember when I got married to the love of my life just over ten years ago I had so many hopes and dreams for us......
I am grateful for my beautiful children - take care all - Phiz
Never having ANY intimacy, ever
and the sad thing is I wouldn't even want it with him now....oh this disease sucks!.....I remember when I got married to the love of my life just over ten years ago I had so many hopes and dreams for us......
I am grateful for my beautiful children - take care all - Phiz
I would have to say the worst thing about being with an alcoholic is the memories of before alcohol took control and wishing that the children could know or remeber who they used to be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
I feel like i'm reading about myself when i read most of these posts. the lies, the worrying, the selfishness...all so familiar.
being told that I shouldn’t have expectations, that was MY problem
the far out monologues that go on seemingly forever
his negative world view and thinking everyone else who doesn't agree with him is a idiot and beneath him intellectually.
narcisisstic smirk when drunk, psychotic drunken tirades
my friends no longer want to come over
fear of going out because i dont know if jekyl or hyde will be there when i come home
feeling more emotionally supported by everyone but him
feeling like i live with/am babysitting a man-baby
being told that I shouldn’t have expectations, that was MY problem
the far out monologues that go on seemingly forever
his negative world view and thinking everyone else who doesn't agree with him is a idiot and beneath him intellectually.
narcisisstic smirk when drunk, psychotic drunken tirades
my friends no longer want to come over
fear of going out because i dont know if jekyl or hyde will be there when i come home
feeling more emotionally supported by everyone but him
feeling like i live with/am babysitting a man-baby
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Wow, I really identify SO strongly with all of you guys.
Here's just one 2-hour period from last evening, taken from my journal:
Here's just one 2-hour period from last evening, taken from my journal:
Arrghh, more and more fights and issues.
It seems he’s picking a fight with every opportunity.
And it’s easy because I get so darn aggravated….
He cooks dinner and uses enough salt for a salt lick, but gets mad if you criticize—(“ALL the great chefs use a lot of salt!”)
Today he used up my green/red peppers even though I told him I was saving them for my gazpacho.
He asked for help creating a Google calendar and then accused me of controlling him because I tested it using my calendar.
He dropped half of a macaroni salad on the floor. Normally he’s a great cook, but he put together a half-baked concoction of macaroni, vinegar and hot mayonnaise.
I told him I only wanted olive oil on my veggies and made an overspiced marinade of balsamic vinegar salt and garlic salt.
I asked him not to give the dogs the pistachios to eat and he again accused me of trying to control him.
(Now he’s out there muttering “The Almighty [SoloMio]!”)
It seems he’s picking a fight with every opportunity.
And it’s easy because I get so darn aggravated….
He cooks dinner and uses enough salt for a salt lick, but gets mad if you criticize—(“ALL the great chefs use a lot of salt!”)
Today he used up my green/red peppers even though I told him I was saving them for my gazpacho.
He asked for help creating a Google calendar and then accused me of controlling him because I tested it using my calendar.
He dropped half of a macaroni salad on the floor. Normally he’s a great cook, but he put together a half-baked concoction of macaroni, vinegar and hot mayonnaise.
I told him I only wanted olive oil on my veggies and made an overspiced marinade of balsamic vinegar salt and garlic salt.
I asked him not to give the dogs the pistachios to eat and he again accused me of trying to control him.
(Now he’s out there muttering “The Almighty [SoloMio]!”)
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by mmk11
Oh, also:
Expecting to accept the absolute bare ass minimum in terms of love, respect, honesty, nurturing, maturity, understanding, loyalty, and selflessness in a relationship with an A, but the A expects all of these things and more 100% all the time. But that won't be good enough either, because A's up the ante where you're expected to give more and more. Asking an A for more than the bare minimum is insulting to them. A's will suck you dry, they are vampires to good souls.
I rarely got apologies from my AH. Mostly BS ones where basically he blamed me for (however ridiculous) his mistreatment of me. My AH eventually kept telling me that I should expect him to screw up, that it's gonna happen, and that I shouldn't have to get on his case about it every single time because no one is perfect.
Expecting to accept the absolute bare ass minimum in terms of love, respect, honesty, nurturing, maturity, understanding, loyalty, and selflessness in a relationship with an A, but the A expects all of these things and more 100% all the time. But that won't be good enough either, because A's up the ante where you're expected to give more and more. Asking an A for more than the bare minimum is insulting to them. A's will suck you dry, they are vampires to good souls.
I rarely got apologies from my AH. Mostly BS ones where basically he blamed me for (however ridiculous) his mistreatment of me. My AH eventually kept telling me that I should expect him to screw up, that it's gonna happen, and that I shouldn't have to get on his case about it every single time because no one is perfect.
When you find yourself reacting, especially in anger, or they start calling you a b*tch or a nag, THAT is when you should know that you are MIRED IN IT.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by owathu
-Their money is their's, yours is theirs as well. Don't ask them to contribute money to the relationship.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by PHIZ007
The being woken up every night when he comes to bed because he can't do anything quietly.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by PHIZ007
The glazey look
The not listening
The not listening
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