Please Contribute: Living With An Alcoholic
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by PHIZ007 
Learntolive.....this is so far down my list I had actually forgotten till I read your post....but yes I can totally relate this
Never having ANY intimacy, ever
and the sad thing is I wouldn't even want it with him now....oh this disease sucks!.....I remember when I got married to the love of my life just over ten years ago I had so many hopes and dreams for us......
I am grateful for my beautiful children - take care all - Phiz
Never having ANY intimacy, ever
and the sad thing is I wouldn't even want it with him now....oh this disease sucks!.....I remember when I got married to the love of my life just over ten years ago I had so many hopes and dreams for us......
I am grateful for my beautiful children - take care all - Phiz
And yes, all the hopes and dreams for such a beautiful future. Day by day he just got further and further from them to the point where he never even talked about them anymore. I could not understand what was happening and thought it had something to do with me. That he did not love me or something. But now, looking back, I realize it was nothing to do with me at all.
I did not Cause this.
I am glad you have your children, Phiz.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by Heartbroke353
I actually feel so much better, and doing this list helped me realize I need to quit holding on to the past and the what ifs for any future with him. There is way too much damage done and I can't trust someone like this with my children's hearts or my own. I apologize if this lengthy.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by Shutterbug1
and also the apology followed by the excuse, all in the same breath
like...
"I really am truly sorry, but (insert excuse...i was stressed out, life sucks, poor me, etc)"
is he really sorry????
like...
"I really am truly sorry, but (insert excuse...i was stressed out, life sucks, poor me, etc)"
is he really sorry????
AXBF tried to pull this one on me after lying to me, cheating on me, betraying me, and walking out on me. I wanted to say "F*&% you," but I didn't. Because that is just giving in to the sickness, which I refuse.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
The half-limp ***** during sex, whether he was drunk or sober. Excuses for this: I drink too much caffeine, I drink too many energy drinks, I'm just tired, I got distracted, I have too much on my mind, I started thinking about work, I started thinking about something else, Im stressed, I'm in a hurry, I dont like condoms, or he doesn't say anything at all. He never acknowledged that it could be a result of pot or alcohol abuse. Pretty damaging to my self esteem for so many reasons, like am I not sexy enough to maintain your attention? I know now of course that's ridiculous but it happened so often it just took its toll on me. Sorry if TMI.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Apologies folks...I don;t know how to make the posts Blue!! But these really stood out to me too...
It seems he’s picking a fight with every opportunity.
And it’s easy because I get so darn aggravated….
He cooks dinner and uses enough salt for a salt lick, but gets mad if you criticize—(“ALL the great chefs use a lot of salt!”)
Today he used up my green/red peppers even though I told him I was saving them for my gazpacho.
He dropped half of a macaroni salad on the floor. Normally he’s a great cook, but he put together a half-baked concoction of macaroni, vinegar and hot mayonnaise.
I told him I only wanted olive oil on my veggies and made an overspiced marinade of balsamic vinegar salt and garlic salt.
......when I read some of these I almost started to giggle....as it is almost funny...however the reality is dreadful so I actually have tears in my eyes.
Where I am at right now is that I know I want to leave (ideally I want HIM to leave...but that won't happen). I am not afraid of being on my own, I am happy ansd content where I am at with regards to myself (need to lose a few pounds but I am ok with that!). I also do get very resentful at times (who wouldn;t!!) but I am working on that......He has been away on business for the last two days and it has been blissful at home. I almost dread hearing that key in the door.....he will be lovely to all of us...say he loves us and misses us etc etc but guess what the first thing he does will be?.....yep pour himself a large glass of wine......his glass is pint size by the way!.....
sign sigh sigh.......hugs to us all Thank god for SR and you lovely people -
It seems he’s picking a fight with every opportunity.
And it’s easy because I get so darn aggravated….
He cooks dinner and uses enough salt for a salt lick, but gets mad if you criticize—(“ALL the great chefs use a lot of salt!”)
Today he used up my green/red peppers even though I told him I was saving them for my gazpacho.
He dropped half of a macaroni salad on the floor. Normally he’s a great cook, but he put together a half-baked concoction of macaroni, vinegar and hot mayonnaise.
I told him I only wanted olive oil on my veggies and made an overspiced marinade of balsamic vinegar salt and garlic salt.
......when I read some of these I almost started to giggle....as it is almost funny...however the reality is dreadful so I actually have tears in my eyes.
Where I am at right now is that I know I want to leave (ideally I want HIM to leave...but that won't happen). I am not afraid of being on my own, I am happy ansd content where I am at with regards to myself (need to lose a few pounds but I am ok with that!). I also do get very resentful at times (who wouldn;t!!) but I am working on that......He has been away on business for the last two days and it has been blissful at home. I almost dread hearing that key in the door.....he will be lovely to all of us...say he loves us and misses us etc etc but guess what the first thing he does will be?.....yep pour himself a large glass of wine......his glass is pint size by the way!.....
sign sigh sigh.......hugs to us all Thank god for SR and you lovely people -
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by PHIZ007
Where I am at right now is that I know I want to leave (ideally I want HIM to leave...but that won't happen). I am not afraid of being on my own, I am happy ansd content where I am at with regards to myself (need to lose a few pounds but I am ok with that!). I also do get very resentful at times (who wouldn;t!!) but I am working on that......
I could probably live with an alcoholic if I could figure out a way to live with myself, but I feel I'm losing ground in the integrity department, and that just won't do.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
it is so so difficult isn't it?
I do still have my bad days......I still have many resentments.......funnily enough this thread has opened my eyes to how awful my life really can be sometimes! BUT I try and live it the best way I can, I am very busy with my three beautiful children and day by day month by month and even year by year I actually feel better.
I love him BUT I think the one I love is gone and I see no sign that he will be back, not the way things are right now. He has had one night off the booze in almost two years (not that I am counting.....gave up doing that years ago! but its easy to remember one night!).......
He provides financially for us and holds down a job which he enjoys!! but as soon as the work day is over the booze o'clock kicks in......so very sad but so very true.
Hugs to you SoloMio - all the best Phiz
I do still have my bad days......I still have many resentments.......funnily enough this thread has opened my eyes to how awful my life really can be sometimes! BUT I try and live it the best way I can, I am very busy with my three beautiful children and day by day month by month and even year by year I actually feel better.
I love him BUT I think the one I love is gone and I see no sign that he will be back, not the way things are right now. He has had one night off the booze in almost two years (not that I am counting.....gave up doing that years ago! but its easy to remember one night!).......
He provides financially for us and holds down a job which he enjoys!! but as soon as the work day is over the booze o'clock kicks in......so very sad but so very true.
Hugs to you SoloMio - all the best Phiz
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by mmk11
The half-limp ***** during sex, whether he was drunk or sober. Excuses for this: I drink too much caffeine, I drink too many energy drinks, I'm just tired, I got distracted, I have too much on my mind, I started thinking about work, I started thinking about something else, Im stressed, I'm in a hurry, I dont like condoms, or he doesn't say anything at all. He never acknowledged that it could be a result of pot or alcohol abuse. Pretty damaging to my self esteem for so many reasons, like am I not sexy enough to maintain your attention? I know now of course that's ridiculous but it happened so often it just took its toll on me. Sorry if TMI.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
MY AH used to blame stress/exhaustion.......blardey blardey blah.....
Never once did he blame his vast alcohol consumption.....NOT ONCE......afterall that would be taking responsibility and as we all know they don't do that either....
aaahhhhh......it sucks being married to him
Never once did he blame his vast alcohol consumption.....NOT ONCE......afterall that would be taking responsibility and as we all know they don't do that either....
aaahhhhh......it sucks being married to him
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I remember telling XABF once, "I love going to work because it's the only place I can relax."
Looking at how stressful I find work now, and knowing that it hasn't changed, helps me realize just how bad my situation really was.
Looking at how stressful I find work now, and knowing that it hasn't changed, helps me realize just how bad my situation really was.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by StarCat
I remember telling XABF once, "I love going to work because it's the only place I can relax."
Looking at how stressful I find work now, and knowing that it hasn't changed, helps me realize just how bad my situation really was.
Looking at how stressful I find work now, and knowing that it hasn't changed, helps me realize just how bad my situation really was.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Same situation here, except I never told him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
I missed him, and the intimacy, so much. I just waited and waited for the "real" him to return. Did my best to live my life the most healthy way possible. But he never returned.
And yes, all the hopes and dreams for such a beautiful future. Day by day he just got further and further from them to the point where he never even talked about them anymore. I could not understand what was happening and thought it had something to do with me. That he did not love me or something. But now, looking back, I realize it was nothing to do with me at all.
I did not Cause this.
I am glad you have your children, Phiz.
And yes, all the hopes and dreams for such a beautiful future. Day by day he just got further and further from them to the point where he never even talked about them anymore. I could not understand what was happening and thought it had something to do with me. That he did not love me or something. But now, looking back, I realize it was nothing to do with me at all.
I did not Cause this.
I am glad you have your children, Phiz.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Yes. This too. I paid for everything. All the living expenses. All the household expenses. He would buy groceries. But then even that stopped. I tried to be "understanding" that he was "trying to get back on his feet," after a divorce. What an idiot I was.
There are a few factors to this, first of all it is THE ONLY thing i have left from my dad. I/we took over all of his dept, i financed a car for him bc of his bad credit.... Of course his excuse was that i was a stay at home mom and it would be the least i could do to contribute. Hello?!? We talked about me staying at hime after the baby! Grrrrrrrr. you get the picture... I never put that together with his drinking. Just thought we had different POV!
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Tonight, I do not miss the constant complaining. The whining. The demands. The toxicity it brought into my life. The confusion. The rudeness. The inability or refusal to plan anything with me ahead of time. The uncertainty of what tomorrow would bring. The jobs it started and left unfinished.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It is actually good to hear about all the bad things when you're with an alcoholic partner. I was starting to forget and that was making me nostalgic for the "good times"..., starting to be pulled back in.
I don't miss being told by a drunk at top volume what a frigid, sexually inadequate woman I was and had always been for 20 years. That if I only tried to learn what prostitutes know, I could "make him happy" in bed. That his sexual problems were all because I was too selfish, or too frigid, or too stupid, or too incompetent or too uncaring. That if I would only watch the porn he would choose for me, I could do what real women do...
I don't miss watching him drink, yell at me for whatever came to his mind at the moment, call me terrible names, for hours, then feel like I had to stay up until he came to bed because if I didn't, he would fall and hurt himself. I thought it was mainly due to his medical conditions until he started to get better when he stopped drinking.
I don't miss living with a dry drunk who got even meaner the less he drank.
I don't miss being interrupted when I tried to say something in a conversation; being talked over loudly when he didn't like what I had to say; having fingers and arms wagged at me when I didn't want to continue a conversation and hearing "you HAVE TO HEAR this. NOW. You HAVE TO LISTEN".
I don't miss having to watch CNN commentator Wolfe Blister bellow nightly for 2 or 3 hours or being yelled at that I "NEEDED" to watch the news with him. Yes, I know it is Wolfe Blitzer, not Blister
I don't miss the liquor spots all over the floor and down the fronts of the cabinets where he poured his drinks; I don't miss all the broken shards of glass when he dropped his drink and didn't bother to clean it up.
I don't miss being told that I "was over-reacting" and "complaining" and probably lying, too, when I told him the next morning what he'd said in last night's black-out.
I don't miss being accused of hiding his things when he never put anything away. I don't miss tripping down the hall with laundry baskets because I quit trying to put his things away because if I did he yelled that I was hiding his things. I don't miss shattering my arm in 4 places because I tripped over a clear plastic bird feeder and an electric cord that he left by the outside stairs.
I don't miss the ever-present anxiety. I don't miss living with a subterranean channel of anxiety and fear always present, not always acknowledged, but always there so that I was never living freely in the moment.
I don't miss the anticipation, the dread, the futility of seeing him drink more in an evening and knowing that it was going to get bad for me and there was no place to hide.
I don't miss locking myself in our bedroom and him picking the lock and coming in to yell at me. Or sleeping in the spare room, door locked, and having him pound on the door in the night bellowing "where are you?" Or asking the next morning, "Were you in there because I did something bad last night?"
I don't miss living in a Catch-22 world where if I did it, I shouldn't have done it, but if I didn't do it, I should have done it.
I guess I don't miss much of what it was like to live with him these last many years.
I do miss, I profoundly miss the good times we had together, and there were many. I miss his patience when my arm was broken, detached from my shoulder really, and the bruises turned my whole arm and shoulder black and purple really, and I could not move at all and he nursed me and dressed me and took care of the house and finally admitted how much I had been doing.
I do miss the dreams that we had together, and the dreams we made come true together.
I didn't realize until near the end how bad it had become, how the balance between the good and the unbearable had shifted, then slid, then was unutterably broken and nothing I said or did could fix it.
Sleeping on an air mattress and living all by myself with just folding chairs and tables and my happy little dog is much more peaceful.
Thanks for this thread so that I remember why I left.
BothSidesNow
I don't miss being told by a drunk at top volume what a frigid, sexually inadequate woman I was and had always been for 20 years. That if I only tried to learn what prostitutes know, I could "make him happy" in bed. That his sexual problems were all because I was too selfish, or too frigid, or too stupid, or too incompetent or too uncaring. That if I would only watch the porn he would choose for me, I could do what real women do...
I don't miss watching him drink, yell at me for whatever came to his mind at the moment, call me terrible names, for hours, then feel like I had to stay up until he came to bed because if I didn't, he would fall and hurt himself. I thought it was mainly due to his medical conditions until he started to get better when he stopped drinking.
I don't miss living with a dry drunk who got even meaner the less he drank.
I don't miss being interrupted when I tried to say something in a conversation; being talked over loudly when he didn't like what I had to say; having fingers and arms wagged at me when I didn't want to continue a conversation and hearing "you HAVE TO HEAR this. NOW. You HAVE TO LISTEN".
I don't miss having to watch CNN commentator Wolfe Blister bellow nightly for 2 or 3 hours or being yelled at that I "NEEDED" to watch the news with him. Yes, I know it is Wolfe Blitzer, not Blister
I don't miss the liquor spots all over the floor and down the fronts of the cabinets where he poured his drinks; I don't miss all the broken shards of glass when he dropped his drink and didn't bother to clean it up.
I don't miss being told that I "was over-reacting" and "complaining" and probably lying, too, when I told him the next morning what he'd said in last night's black-out.
I don't miss being accused of hiding his things when he never put anything away. I don't miss tripping down the hall with laundry baskets because I quit trying to put his things away because if I did he yelled that I was hiding his things. I don't miss shattering my arm in 4 places because I tripped over a clear plastic bird feeder and an electric cord that he left by the outside stairs.
I don't miss the ever-present anxiety. I don't miss living with a subterranean channel of anxiety and fear always present, not always acknowledged, but always there so that I was never living freely in the moment.
I don't miss the anticipation, the dread, the futility of seeing him drink more in an evening and knowing that it was going to get bad for me and there was no place to hide.
I don't miss locking myself in our bedroom and him picking the lock and coming in to yell at me. Or sleeping in the spare room, door locked, and having him pound on the door in the night bellowing "where are you?" Or asking the next morning, "Were you in there because I did something bad last night?"
I don't miss living in a Catch-22 world where if I did it, I shouldn't have done it, but if I didn't do it, I should have done it.
I guess I don't miss much of what it was like to live with him these last many years.
I do miss, I profoundly miss the good times we had together, and there were many. I miss his patience when my arm was broken, detached from my shoulder really, and the bruises turned my whole arm and shoulder black and purple really, and I could not move at all and he nursed me and dressed me and took care of the house and finally admitted how much I had been doing.
I do miss the dreams that we had together, and the dreams we made come true together.
I didn't realize until near the end how bad it had become, how the balance between the good and the unbearable had shifted, then slid, then was unutterably broken and nothing I said or did could fix it.
Sleeping on an air mattress and living all by myself with just folding chairs and tables and my happy little dog is much more peaceful.
Thanks for this thread so that I remember why I left.
BothSidesNow
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
I hated being second choice. I'd heard a few years ago (back when I was in denial about AH's alcoholism) that an alcoholic's primary relationship is with alcohol. I didn't really understand that till this week: alcohol will always come first, ALWAYS. That meant my marriage was secondary. I felt that insignifance so much, and it only got worse.
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by debo5
OH MY!!! I have inherited some money from when my dad passed away over 20 yeas ago. It has been invested ALL this time. Then when we got married he thought i should put that money in our mutual account.
There are a few factors to this, first of all it is THE ONLY thing i have left from my dad. I/we took over all of his dept, i financed a car for him bc of his bad credit.... Of course his excuse was that i was a stay at home mom and it would be the least i could do to contribute. Hello?!? We talked about me staying at hime after the baby! Grrrrrrrr. you get the picture... I never put that together with his drinking. Just thought we had different POV!
There are a few factors to this, first of all it is THE ONLY thing i have left from my dad. I/we took over all of his dept, i financed a car for him bc of his bad credit.... Of course his excuse was that i was a stay at home mom and it would be the least i could do to contribute. Hello?!? We talked about me staying at hime after the baby! Grrrrrrrr. you get the picture... I never put that together with his drinking. Just thought we had different POV!
They are leaches. Parasites. Marriage is a damn trap.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
BothSidesNow, everytime I read your descriptions of the AH, I find my face all contorted in disbelief and confusion, shaking my head as I read in horror what you have endured. How you lived with that I do not know. Please do not ever go back to that sorry excuse for a man.
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